39.
It’s been a while.
It’s been too long, actually.
I’ve been biting my tongue for weeks now, refusing to write because I was afraid of who was going to read it. Afraid of even opening up for fear of either offending someone, stressing myself out, or making myself cry. But I’ve come to notice that my biting my tongue has done nothing but cause me more harm than good. So, I may as well start at the beginning.
Gin and I started arguing a few months ago. It started with an idiotic move on her part, followed by another one later on. The specifics aren’t needed, the mere facts are that she broke my trust, then shattered my ego. To add onto the stress, she started to push things. She wanted to rush our trust exercises so that I’d be “okay” by the time the trip to New York had played out. By rushing things she just made things worse, and by pushing subjects when I asked her not to the same outcome came of it - in short: Everything. Got. Worse.
Simplistically speaking, it has all been going downhill from there. More pushing, more arguments, more fighting, and nothing is getting better because I simply don’t want to be on the phone with her anymore. I don’t want to talk to her, I don’t want to be around her. Her aura tires me out to no end, the arguments destroy me, leave me frustrated and on the verge of tears, and my meager amount of trust in her vanishes more and more with each second in a conversation with her.
Her driving force for trying to fix this thing between us is with the hopes of us getting back together and living “Happily Ever After”. And I honestly can’t do it. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t think we’re compatible in that manner. I just want to be friends.
Friends.
However I’ve never managed to be able to remain in a friendship with my exes. It never works out. Something about them continues to annoy me no matter how much I try to show it to them, and then I just lose interest and I cut ties to ease the pain, frustration, and anger that they bring along with them. And this is where I am stuck right now. She wants to work on things, I’m tired of the guilt, the drama, the tears. I don’t have any wanting to continue down this path, but she does.
“If you call me, our conversation won’t end up like it has been. I promise. We won’t fight.”
Every. Fucking. Time.
Every time we get on the phone. We fight.
She frustrates me, I feel super guilty, and then I shut down, ask to be excused from the conversation, hang up, and cry like a toddler. And it’s frustrating.
Right before work; she stresses me out and I cry.
When I have company over; she stresses me out and I start to cry.
To add to this problem, the two most important people in my life from Carthage came to visit this weekend, and in about.. Eight hours they’ll be leaving to go back to their assigned bases. And then I’ll be alone again with less distraction.
To add onto that; I’m heartsick.
I haven’t been sleeping. I rarely remember to eat. My self esteem is so far beneath the Earth’s surface that it’s cracking bedrock.. Nothing is going right. The only escapes I have to look forward to when Lurky and Trixie leave are spending time with Amber to get my mind off of things, and work. Not enough of a distraction when there’s so much time on Gin’s hands to think, torture herself, and try to get in contact with me.
And to top it all off; Jessica has been trying to get in contact with me again. And it’s freaking me the heck out. I don’t want her in my life. Just thinking about her gets me nervous and I feel like I’m going to panic. It’s stressful. So. Freaking. Stressful.
I.
Don’t.
Want.
To.
Do.
This.
Anymore.
I don’t have my cuddle buddy here and it sucks terribly. I need the physical touch to help me feel grounded, but it’s thousands of miles away which makes it impossible for me to find security there. My normal outlet - playing video games - hasn’t been helping me much at all in terms of this problem. I’ve been immersing myself in Alice: Madness Returns, but I can’t seem to sit still to play long enough to get myself back into a decent mood.
Everything is just.. So screwed up.
Even now, with Lurky asleep behind me in my bed, I don’t feel like I can relax.
I.. Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what else to say.
There feels like there’s so much more in my head that needs to come out. So many more emotions that I need to put into words, to get them out of me and into a physical/digital manifestation. I need it to go away, but it won’t. And I don’t know what to do about it.
I want to scream, run, break things, throw a tantrum. I want to get rid of all of this frustration and anger and just move on with my life. But I, of all people, know it’s not that easy. And that I’m just going to have to suck it up and deal with it until something works itself out.
Either that or blow something up.
Gods, blowing something up would feel amazing right about now.
. . . God damn it.
It’s been too long, actually.
I’ve been biting my tongue for weeks now, refusing to write because I was afraid of who was going to read it. Afraid of even opening up for fear of either offending someone, stressing myself out, or making myself cry. But I’ve come to notice that my biting my tongue has done nothing but cause me more harm than good. So, I may as well start at the beginning.
Gin and I started arguing a few months ago. It started with an idiotic move on her part, followed by another one later on. The specifics aren’t needed, the mere facts are that she broke my trust, then shattered my ego. To add onto the stress, she started to push things. She wanted to rush our trust exercises so that I’d be “okay” by the time the trip to New York had played out. By rushing things she just made things worse, and by pushing subjects when I asked her not to the same outcome came of it - in short: Everything. Got. Worse.
Simplistically speaking, it has all been going downhill from there. More pushing, more arguments, more fighting, and nothing is getting better because I simply don’t want to be on the phone with her anymore. I don’t want to talk to her, I don’t want to be around her. Her aura tires me out to no end, the arguments destroy me, leave me frustrated and on the verge of tears, and my meager amount of trust in her vanishes more and more with each second in a conversation with her.
Her driving force for trying to fix this thing between us is with the hopes of us getting back together and living “Happily Ever After”. And I honestly can’t do it. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t think we’re compatible in that manner. I just want to be friends.
Friends.
However I’ve never managed to be able to remain in a friendship with my exes. It never works out. Something about them continues to annoy me no matter how much I try to show it to them, and then I just lose interest and I cut ties to ease the pain, frustration, and anger that they bring along with them. And this is where I am stuck right now. She wants to work on things, I’m tired of the guilt, the drama, the tears. I don’t have any wanting to continue down this path, but she does.
“If you call me, our conversation won’t end up like it has been. I promise. We won’t fight.”
Every. Fucking. Time.
Every time we get on the phone. We fight.
She frustrates me, I feel super guilty, and then I shut down, ask to be excused from the conversation, hang up, and cry like a toddler. And it’s frustrating.
Right before work; she stresses me out and I cry.
When I have company over; she stresses me out and I start to cry.
To add to this problem, the two most important people in my life from Carthage came to visit this weekend, and in about.. Eight hours they’ll be leaving to go back to their assigned bases. And then I’ll be alone again with less distraction.
To add onto that; I’m heartsick.
I haven’t been sleeping. I rarely remember to eat. My self esteem is so far beneath the Earth’s surface that it’s cracking bedrock.. Nothing is going right. The only escapes I have to look forward to when Lurky and Trixie leave are spending time with Amber to get my mind off of things, and work. Not enough of a distraction when there’s so much time on Gin’s hands to think, torture herself, and try to get in contact with me.
And to top it all off; Jessica has been trying to get in contact with me again. And it’s freaking me the heck out. I don’t want her in my life. Just thinking about her gets me nervous and I feel like I’m going to panic. It’s stressful. So. Freaking. Stressful.
I.
Don’t.
Want.
To.
Do.
This.
Anymore.
I don’t have my cuddle buddy here and it sucks terribly. I need the physical touch to help me feel grounded, but it’s thousands of miles away which makes it impossible for me to find security there. My normal outlet - playing video games - hasn’t been helping me much at all in terms of this problem. I’ve been immersing myself in Alice: Madness Returns, but I can’t seem to sit still to play long enough to get myself back into a decent mood.
Everything is just.. So screwed up.
Even now, with Lurky asleep behind me in my bed, I don’t feel like I can relax.
I.. Ugh. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what else to say.
There feels like there’s so much more in my head that needs to come out. So many more emotions that I need to put into words, to get them out of me and into a physical/digital manifestation. I need it to go away, but it won’t. And I don’t know what to do about it.
I want to scream, run, break things, throw a tantrum. I want to get rid of all of this frustration and anger and just move on with my life. But I, of all people, know it’s not that easy. And that I’m just going to have to suck it up and deal with it until something works itself out.
Either that or blow something up.
Gods, blowing something up would feel amazing right about now.
. . . God damn it.