38.
Three years..
In less than 24 hours..
So much is going on in my head. So much turmoil, uncertainty, longing, doubt, guilt..
I can’t help feeling like it was my fault.. I spoke to him that very day. For the first time in months.. We had been fighting. I honestly don’t even remember what had brought us to such a state. But we were fighting… And he broke the silence. He reached out to me for the first time in forever, and we talked. It felt so natural, like nothing bad had happened. Like we hadn’t been bickering.
He promised he’d get in contact with me the next day. That he was just going out to see some of his friends. That he’d be home late, so I shouldn’t wait up, but come around the next day. He promised he’d be safe.
… I knew something was wrong. Something felt off that night.
I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay home with me. I wanted to talk with him, interact with him, catch up and make up.
He was.. My best friend..
I can’t believe I let a little argument take so much time away from us. I should have just swallowed my pride and apologized; whether it was my fault or not. I should just have apologized and maybe, maybe the outcome would have been different.
When I fell asleep, I had a horrible nightmare. It felt like fingers were digging into my chest, ripping through my flesh with the simplistic force of pressure.. Digging through muscle tissue into my ribcage, crushing my bones.. Grabbing hold of my heart and squeezing until it crumbled. It felt so real.
It hurt so much.
I had woken up around 2:15am.. Something was wrong and I knew it, but I didn’t know what.
I waited all day for him to come around like he had promised.. And when he didn’t.. I figured it was just another one of his fits where he disappears and comes back at random. I thought he was just being Taylor.. Always wandering, always searching. Always.. Out there.
… I can’t believe it took me a year to find out… I just can’t.. Fucking.. Believe it..
It’s my fault.. I should have been there.. I should have stepped up and been selfish for the first time in my life; should have told him to stay with me. To keep me company, to be near me.. For me to keep him safe.. I should have.
I’m so stupid. I knew something bad was going to happen. I knew something was wrong. I knew it.
I fucking knew it.
I could have prevented all of this. He could still be here. And we could still be bickering like siblings like we used to right now… If I just would have told him to stay home with me.
Why didn’t I just do it!?
Damn it..
Taylor…
I miss you so much…
I’m sorry that this year has to be like last.. I’m sorry that I can’t prevent myself from sobbing my eyes out. I’m sorry that I’m not doing what you asked of me… I know you didn’t want me to cry. We discussed this before. We both agreed that neither of us would cry upon the death of the other. We’d celebrate their life with joy and remembrance. But I can’t help it. You weren’t supposed to be taken away so early. Things weren’t supposed to end this way…
You held such a place in my life.. And now you’re gone.
And I simply.. Can’t.. Take it..
There are so many things I want to do over.
I want to stop that argument. I want to have called more often, taken more of a stance in your life when you wandered off… I want to turn back time. Make things right..
I want to… Have been able to say good bye..
I want to be able to tell you I love you… Like I always did at the end of our conversations..
I never got to tell you.. I never got to say goodbye..
Damn it..
Just….
Damn it all to hell..
“… We’ll make it out;
You’ll see.”
In less than 24 hours..
So much is going on in my head. So much turmoil, uncertainty, longing, doubt, guilt..
I can’t help feeling like it was my fault.. I spoke to him that very day. For the first time in months.. We had been fighting. I honestly don’t even remember what had brought us to such a state. But we were fighting… And he broke the silence. He reached out to me for the first time in forever, and we talked. It felt so natural, like nothing bad had happened. Like we hadn’t been bickering.
He promised he’d get in contact with me the next day. That he was just going out to see some of his friends. That he’d be home late, so I shouldn’t wait up, but come around the next day. He promised he’d be safe.
… I knew something was wrong. Something felt off that night.
I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay home with me. I wanted to talk with him, interact with him, catch up and make up.
He was.. My best friend..
I can’t believe I let a little argument take so much time away from us. I should have just swallowed my pride and apologized; whether it was my fault or not. I should just have apologized and maybe, maybe the outcome would have been different.
When I fell asleep, I had a horrible nightmare. It felt like fingers were digging into my chest, ripping through my flesh with the simplistic force of pressure.. Digging through muscle tissue into my ribcage, crushing my bones.. Grabbing hold of my heart and squeezing until it crumbled. It felt so real.
It hurt so much.
I had woken up around 2:15am.. Something was wrong and I knew it, but I didn’t know what.
I waited all day for him to come around like he had promised.. And when he didn’t.. I figured it was just another one of his fits where he disappears and comes back at random. I thought he was just being Taylor.. Always wandering, always searching. Always.. Out there.
… I can’t believe it took me a year to find out… I just can’t.. Fucking.. Believe it..
It’s my fault.. I should have been there.. I should have stepped up and been selfish for the first time in my life; should have told him to stay with me. To keep me company, to be near me.. For me to keep him safe.. I should have.
I’m so stupid. I knew something bad was going to happen. I knew something was wrong. I knew it.
I fucking knew it.
I could have prevented all of this. He could still be here. And we could still be bickering like siblings like we used to right now… If I just would have told him to stay home with me.
Why didn’t I just do it!?
Damn it..
Taylor…
I miss you so much…
I’m sorry that this year has to be like last.. I’m sorry that I can’t prevent myself from sobbing my eyes out. I’m sorry that I’m not doing what you asked of me… I know you didn’t want me to cry. We discussed this before. We both agreed that neither of us would cry upon the death of the other. We’d celebrate their life with joy and remembrance. But I can’t help it. You weren’t supposed to be taken away so early. Things weren’t supposed to end this way…
You held such a place in my life.. And now you’re gone.
And I simply.. Can’t.. Take it..
There are so many things I want to do over.
I want to stop that argument. I want to have called more often, taken more of a stance in your life when you wandered off… I want to turn back time. Make things right..
I want to… Have been able to say good bye..
I want to be able to tell you I love you… Like I always did at the end of our conversations..
I never got to tell you.. I never got to say goodbye..
Damn it..
Just….
Damn it all to hell..
“… We’ll make it out;
You’ll see.”