B.C.
So I wrote most of this before Easter, pre-paracetamol before the bluebell dreams and between the bathroom screams. And now it seems that all the bad coincidences were just prophetic; in the rebellion against destiny and resurrection, on an empty stomach filled with a handful of strawberries at sunrise and four and a half pints of beer at sunset, with a little whiskey under the stars that winked at the medication in my blood that extends alcohol’s effect about six times, by some good coincidence I was a with a good friend who kept me safe to tide a time of forgotten conversations. But bad coincidences hit again the next day to say, you have to be sober to question faith, and I keep questioning my faith still. My words before, my words now:
B.C.
B.efore C.hrist one less system was layered into the world to bring meaning unto things, events, phenomena. Away from the beginning sometimes I want to fall in the other direction stacked stiff with each cold, black, domino A Dee where sense is made from non-meaning. Stack stiff enough to keep from running A.fter D.eath. Knock a rhythm into chaos into chance and things are only bearable when believed as good and bad coincidence.
B. C. Bad Coincidence
Sad things happen? B.ad C.oincidence. Pebble by pebble under the sun, ice creams in hand, you took me to the sea to say you will listen to the waves with me. Two seasons have passed and in our third the beach is still the only witness of a full day together. So far just one full day in all these months. Coincidence? One day a psychedelic friend visited to see photos that hadn’t been given the chance to been seen by flashing eyes, so the flashing eyes flashed other pictures that never existed. False flash? Bad Coincidence. Heck, Bad Camera. Bad coincidence that even saying will pick me up in half an hour stung another lie. A message ran over me saying if you really need my help then tell me what it is. Work and lack of sleep are not coincidences, so I’ll get it if you mention -not today I’m tired. So I’ll have to say it’s not rudeness that it was mentioned after being made to wait, I’ll just have to say it was all bad coincidence. It was just bad coincidence that I felt I couldn’t say anything because I felt lied to.
Bad coincidence that Christmas papers fold into Easter. And now they cut forward into my Birthday Cake. Bad Coincidence that messages walking in the rain served slices thicker than intended.
When did Coincidence suddenly start taking over? When did Kindness get lost?
B. C. Be Sea -Bee Zee- Busy.
Maybe BZ is just always bad coincidence. Bizzy agreed that it hurts less sometimes to believe that things just happen. So every time someone calls to say I’ll see you this day, if I can’t I’ll let you know, or I’ll call you later, or hang on there don’t worry I’m coming over just wait, that things will definitely be picked up before it’s really Spring, and the Equinox folds over to stretch the days longer hoping maybe that gives more time, that maybe this time people really mean what they say- actually maybe they do, but well, things didn’t happen because it was just bad coincidence right? I have to believe it’s all bad coincidence instead because to make logical sense of actions would conclude in meanings ranging from apathy to aversion, rudeness to revulsion. Bad coincidence that texting me in the middle of the night or getting me out of bed is not so rude as calling someone when they try to sleep. Bad Care or bad coincidence? How does one go from defying hours sleep ‘just to see me’ to bearing resentment for few minutes of sleep lost to talk? Bad coincidences? Bad changes but I never changed belief. Basic Core, apple of my eye given my only sins. Unbelief in my belief. How do you explain a card that’s been drawn since December that finds itself wondering if it’s stupid to believe it will really be seen before April ? Mayday into Mother’s Day I know that lilies of the valley are poisonous which is another reason I picked bluebells, same family, but opposing a bright cousin. How big are the bad coincidences that they are too large to hold pieces of paper? Blatant Cowardice is never nice so lets just call the fear bad coincidences.
And still I want to embrace all that unbelief B.C. , my heart sinks every time I see wrong B.lue C.ars, more wheels invite b.ody c.rash and still I preach about chance to a soldier B.oy C.ruise.
And now, now Holey Sunday hollowing pockets in my bones when his feared osteoporosis to say Bad Coincidence that what posed as love could not recognise love and even so, it could have all been gentle. B.C. Bluebells Crushed under my feet, knees and bramble cut skin and the capsules lay waiting in a bubbly cup to ask, besides being half blue if they will make me half blue enough to be time capsules too. Pebble by pebble ripples lost in the sea say look at me when you speak, there are always kinder ways to be cruel.