(no subject)
i had to promise my flatmate yesterday I would go to the doctor first thing this morning so I did. there's not many promises I can make to myself, but any promise to anyone is not broken. never been unfaithful never could be. anyway, so now even more drugs. all this mixing is not good. I tried to get alcohol the other day to knock me to sleep and even that didn't work but the doctor says sleeping pills on top of everything else are out of the question. let's see in a week if there's some blood. let's see if I can laugh- good god that sounded so emo. i don't believe in this but i don't think I'm prepared for more options. i'm just afraid that everything will get pulled out of me that i won't be able to cry anymore. but yesterday the shaking was pretty bad that i lost myself for a moment too loud that even my neighbours came knocking and it sucks. if it was a game at least i would be having some fun but it isn't funny and not at all a game. there are too many cold facts as evidence for any of this ever to be a play on me or anyone else.