From Me to Shiro
I am writing to remember this time.
It was 7 am. I was restless.
Even though I pulled an all nighter,
I could hardly close my eyes. I was tired. Yes.
But...
Instead of sleeping again after Subuh like I always do, I lay still on my bed.
Thinking of you.
As of today, it has been exactly 8 days.
And you have been so sick.
What am I supposed to do? This all feels foreign.
Mak told me that we will be going to the clinic after her class.
I sai "Yea,nanti mak cakap la dengan doktor tu.."
Mak shakes her hea ''Mak tak boleh la Aya...mak tak boleh tgk dia macam tu"
"Okla".
I don't want to see the doctor again to be quite honest.
Not because I don't care about you.
Just. . .
As my brain filled with remedies to solve the problem,
I drift to sleep.
Half past 11 am, I woke up. Readying to go to the clinic.
We got there around 1 pm.
I went in first.
Herm..a new doctor.
A lady as opposed to the man I met last week.
She scooped him out the bucket.
The doctor asked me the usual questions while she examined him.
"How did it happened?"
"When did it happened?"
"How was his progress since the last time?"
He started seizing or something.
Quickly, I answered in details in hopes of figuring out what was wrong with him.
The doctor said she could not give anything to him.
Ok. First hit.
I feel solemn already.
"Maybe I'll try giving him some water"
He choked. Second hit.
"You know...kalau diorg terus mati tak ape. Tapi, kalau macam ni susah. ven if he is okay, it will
be hard for him to survive on his own"
"Kesian kamu..." he adds while looking at him.
Quietly I said
"...A'ah"
She put him back in the bucket.
I asked the doctor what I should give to him from now on.
"Herm...well sebab dia susah nak telan, you can stop giving him milk."
I stroked his head. He likes that. That always calms him
"...and the medicines too. Just give him some water and keep him warm."
WHAT? Third hit.
"That's all we can do considering his condition..."
And that was the last thing I care to hear.
Before we left
"Klo adik senang, bawa la dia datang lagi 2 hari r anytime Kita bole check engok dia macam mana."
the lady said with a hint of a strain. Pity?
"Yeah, alau ade apa2 can come and see you doctor?"
"Sure." She smiled.
"Ok. Thank you. Goodbye doctor. Thanks"
As I pushed out the door I thought to myself
"You are being too kind doctor".
As I step outside the clinic
without warning
tears fell. Nonstop.
Crowds of people moved past by me
who could no more less care about the girl crying and the cat spazzing in the bucket.
Life without fail,
still moves on.
Around the afternoon things has turned from bad to worst.
He started wheezing too.
From my experience,
that is never good.
His seizures happened more frequently also.
I feel helpless watching him.
I took him from the bucket.
I feel the heat from him.
That's good.
At least I know he's alive still.
With him on my arms, I tried my best to ease his pain from the constant spasm.
We enjoyed some tv time, watch som Sukitte Ii Na Yo.
The cats were cute huh?
I gave him some water then.
He started to settle down a bit
So, I put him back in the bucket
wrapping him up with a warm towel.
He looked quite peaceful for a while so I left him be.
I catch up on some food.
7 pm
I checked up upon him. He was still as ever
but something smells
I took the liberty to change the towel.
He peed. I was glad.
That was a good sign.
Mak was getting ready to go to surau for Maghrib prayers.
She was already at the gate outside getting in the car
when I noticed something off about him.
I shooked him gently
Yet, still.
No movements.
No, not yet. . .
"Mak! Mak! Mak!"
I cried out alas she did not hear.
I did not run after Mak.
I could.
But I didn't.
What I fear the most for the last couple of day
was right in front of me.
No.
No.
No
The lone house that I was in was only
filled with cries of weep.
I was alone, so distraught
clueless...
For you to be under the incompetent me,
I am sorry.
I should have been able to do better.
However,
I came upon a realization.
This cold-hearted person actually
leraned something from a soul like you.
I learn to love.
I can honestly say I have never feel this wretched
when you no longer return my grasp on your paw.
I sound ridiculous.
I know.
But for once
I want to be able to remember how I felt today
Someday.
When I forgot the feeling. To remind myself.
I have never cared for anything other than talking individuals
this much
this short
this deep.
Thank you for showing me that it is possible. Even for me.
I can say that I have no regrets the past few days.
Eventhough I have tend to you day and night...
without realizing it, I enjoyed it.
I am just sad because now I won't be able to do that anymore.
I will miss
you twitch your ears for no reason,
sleeping together,
cuddling when it's cold,
your ruined face because of all the sticky antibiotics and vitamins,
fondling your warm paws,
stroking your head,
how you smell so...milky? haha
I will miss you.
I am already missing you.
No more excessive skinship/furship with you..
I have never called you anything,right?
Maybe except once.
I called you Shiro.
Well, cause you are white obviously.
I don't know why I callled you that.
Maybe I was on one of my Japanese modes.
So, let's call you that.
The last thing I want to do is name you.
Funny.
Usually, that is one the very first things people do.
To the kitten Shiro,
You have been a spirited fighter since the accident.
The fact that you were able to live for some time amazed me.
Thank you for keeping me company all these months.
The past few days is especially memorable.
Rather than seeing you suffer here,
I prefer letting you go.
Let the pain freed off of you.
I hope I was able to make you happy too
over your short life.
Bless your soul, wherever it may be.
Aya.
