100 things: 2. soaked by adam lambert
Rating: PG
Word count: 1,871
Pairing: Darren Criss/Chris Colfer
Notes: Angst, angst, and more angst. Okay, so maybe I don't angst as well as other people since I generally can't stand it, but I needed to get this out. ALSO, from this point on, the title of the fic will be linked with a youtube to listen to the song as you read.
Darren remembers the first time he ever kissed another guy, which is a miracle in itself considering he had consumed about triple the legal amount of alcohol that night, the kiss sloppy and not romantic in the slightest. But yet something about that night, six years that feel like a million years ago, sticks in his mind. The fact that kissing a guy, rougher and more urgent than he was used to, felt more right than the hundreds of kisses he'd ever shared with any girl.
He's 'come out as straight' but it feels all wrong to him, wanting to let everyone know what he really feels inside. He's told the public in the most roundabout way that he can, that you fall in love with a person and not a gender, using as few pronouns as he can, letting them speculate what they want because while he's a part of the well oiled Glee machine, no one can ever know that he's bisexual, leaning heavily toward men.
He's good at separating his feelings from his work, not letting himself look twice at any of his co-stars, no matter how badly he wants to a couple times. Even though, okay, he lets himself stare openly while Chord practices his stripping scenes. After all, he's only human and there's only so much he can hide away. Naya catches him staring and she fans herself, grinning wickedly at him. He fans himself back, tugging at the collar of his shirt, and she laughs loudly, coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist in a hug.
They're filming the disco episode, Darren in a red jumpsuit and Chris in matching blue, and they're dancing around ridiculously to More Than A Woman, which is taking forever to shoot because no one can keep a straight face. After what feels like the 50th take, but really is only about the 10th, they take a break and Chris immediately sits down on the disco floor.
"This is so ridiculous," he says with a snort, pulling his phone out and scrolling through his emails. Darren sits next to him, leaning in closer than he does with anyone else because this is Chris and the same rules don't apply to him. After all, he's his best friend on the set, he's entitled to the kind of closeness that best friends have together. Besides, he's never been one to worry about things like personal space, even though he knows Chris feels differently.
"I don't know, disco's kind of fun," he says with a shrug. "I'm not as into it as Blaine seems to be, but it was an era of ridiculous clothes and even more ridiculous dancing. How can anyone hate on that?" Chris fixes him with a stare, and he laughs, shaking his head. "Maybe you don't have as much of a penchant for the ridiculous as I do." Touching his finger to his nose, Chris nods.
"You would be right about that, oh ridiculous one," he says, looking back to his emails.
He's not sure when exactly it hits him. Maybe when they're ghosting their hands over each other or maybe it's when he presses his fingers to Chris's lips and Chris actually kisses them, but it's at some point during this ridiculous montage of dancing, lights, and polyester that Darren gets slapped across the face with the realization that he's head over heels for Chris.
It stuns him so much that he asks for his own personal break, making some ridiculous joke that he doesn't even comprehend about going to the bathroom, and then he's locked in a stall, leaning up against the door, wondering how and when this came about. Surely, it can't be a recent thing. He sung the lyric himself, love doesn't come in a minute. But why hasn't he figured it out sooner if it's been going on for awhile?
He allows himself to think over the events of the past. The way he immediately got along with Chris and loved the fact that each of their interests was dorkier than the next. Going out to dinner with Chris the first night they met and laughing harder than he could ever remember laughing with anyone else, which, considering the people he knew, was a huge feat. The way he was so eager for the kissing scenes and yes, he remembers the reaction his body had to those as well, though he had always pinned it on the fact that Chris is an excellent kisser and kissing is wonderful, regardless of gender. The more he thinks over things, he's sure that he's been in love with the younger man since the very beginning on some subconscious level. Then he wonders if he's the last to figure it out. If Chris and the rest of the cast already know. The thought makes his stomach turn a little and he pushes it out of his head, leaving the stall to splash some cold water on his face before he heads back to filming.
"You know, Dare, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to wash your hands after going to the bathroom, not your face," Chris jokes in that sarcastic way, and Darren can never remember wanting to kiss him as badly as he does right now. He doesn't even hear how he answers.
The next few weeks on set are a blur, and he half wishes he had stayed living in blissful ignorance because knowing how he feels about Chris and not being able to say anything to him is hard. They run lines in Darren's trailer one day, Chris with his feet propped up on the table, drinking a Diet Coke, and his devotion to the drink makes Darren fall a little harder.
"Chris, I have to tell you something," he finally blurts out, and his cheeks are red and he wishes he could suck back the words, but it's too late now. Chris has his Coke halfway up to his mouth and he raises an eyebrow, taking a long sip before he sets the can down, folding his hands in his lap.
"What is it, Darren?" His voice sounds tired, and Darren has this feeling that he already knows what he's going to say, and it scares him because the tone he's using doesn't exactly sound like he reciprocates the feelings.
"I... okay, so there's something I've never told anyone besides Joey," he starts, figuring he might as well start at the beginning. "I, um... well, I'm..." He looks up at Chris, their eyes locking and seeing the other man's gaze gives him the confidence to say it. "Bi. I'm bisexual," he says, his voice loud and clear, and he nods a little. "Kind of, um. It's like 80/20."
"Well, that's okay, Darren," Chris says, his voice low and soothing. "I mean, there's no one who's completely straight or completely gay. Just because 20 percent of you likes guys, it's nothing to be asham--"
"No, no, no," he interrupts, shaking his head. "I didn't mean that. I meant 80 percent men." He watches Chris's eyes grow wide, and he can tell that he's shocked the younger man because they sit in silence for a long time, just staring at each other until Darren gets uncomfortable and shifts a little in his seat.
"I... wow," Chris finally manages to say. "I always thought maybe there was... I don't know, I mean, I've seen straight guys act as flamboyant as you, but I never thought that meant..."
"This wasn't even what I set out to tell you," he says suddenly. "There's, um... god, I like you, Chris. A lot." The mood in the room shifts then, his face warm and Chris suddenly looks incredibly uncomfortable, biting his lip a little.
"Darren," he says softly, his voice full of pain and it nearly makes Darren want to stuff his fingers in his ears, to hum immaturely to block out the words he knows are coming. "I'm incredibly flattered. Really, I am. And I'm not trying to hurt you by saying this, but... you're really not my type," he finally whispers, and he squeezes his eyes closed. "I'm sorry, Darren. I don't want to hurt you. You're one of my best friends and I don't want to lose that with you. Please, say something. I can't handle you sitting there looking at me like that."
Until this moment, Darren hasn't been aware of what he looks like, but as soon as Chris mentions it, he can tell his face is crushed, but so is his heart.
"Don't be sorry," is the first thing he says. "It was stupid of me to think that just because we've got so much in common, you'd be interested. I know you being gay doesn't mean you're going to automatically like any guy who tells you he has feelings for you." Chris opens his mouth to speak, but he knows he can't deal with that, and so he holds up a hand. "Please. I'm sorry, Chris. Can I... can I have some time alone?"
He watches Chris nod, gathering his things, and he brushes a hand over Darren's shoulder as he walks by. He wants to say something before he goes, wants to ask who exactly is his type then, wants to know who could possibly have more in common with him, but he doesn't. He watches as Chris leaves and he waits a respectable thirty seconds before he breaks down and cries.
It feels silly for him to be so broken up about this all, but he can't help himself, his feelings for Chris even stronger than he had originally thought. Chris, bless his soul, doesn't seem to tell anyone because no one treats either of them differently, minus the time he sees Ashley shoot him a sympathetic look when he's sure she thinks he's not paying attention.
It takes a long time, right up until they're in the middle of filming the last episode of the season, before Darren feels normal around Chris again. His feelings haven't gone away, but he's learned to deal with them differently now. It's hard for someone who has never had to learn how to hide things the way he's having to now, but it feels good to be able to go to set and not have to worry about things getting awkward. He can tell Chris feels the same way, finally making his old familiar jokes, and it feels good.
He pretends not to notice the way Chris flirts with Max, swallowing down his pride when he realizes that he most certainly is not Chris's type, mentally cursing everything about the way he was born. But maybe if he had been born in Max's body, Darren's body would have been his type. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Darren is a big believer in fate, and it helps keep him sane, even though somehow it just doesn't seem fair.
Knowing that Kurt and Blaine are getting ready for a big goodbye, the episodes are filled with more kisses than usual. It feels like a slap in the face at first, but in the end, it calms him. He's left with the thought that if he can't have Chris, at least he gets this. It's enough, for now. It'll have to be enough for forever.