Stuff I want to tell him, but I have no want of contacting him.
I loved you, despite the fact that you think I didn't. Despite the fact that you think I told you to garner some sort of response and despite the fact that you falsely accused me of attempting to manipulate your feelings with my actions and words. I know the truth behind these issues and I know that you only said what you said out of anger and desperation.
That being said, the past tense used above was not a typo, or at least, it was not unintentional. I am trying to make my love for you past tense, and I'm actually succeeding, I think.
That night in Boston was the most humiliating nights of my life. I have never been made to feel so bad about myself and things that I had done before, and especially not by someone for whom I cared so deeply. The things you said and did were, again, out of desperation, anger, fear, and a million other negative emotions by which you let yourself be overcome. You said that you were acting the way I wanted; that you were trying to be manly for me. You did not see the difference between manliness and chivalry, and the bullying attitude that you were portraying. You said what you were doing was proof of your love for me and if I didn't accept it as such, then I never truly loved you.
Funny, really.
What you claimed to be proof positive of your love for me was what made me realize that I couldn't love someone who could ever treat me that way. What you thought was the only way to fix the situation was actually the only way to ensure it could never go back to the way it was.
I don't blame you for the way you acted, but I wish you had not done what you had. I wish you had been willing to compromise instead of handing out ultimatums right and left. It hurts to convince myself to stop loving you, but I'm doing it because I can't let myself be with someone who is willing to treat someone they claim to love in that way.
But the thing that hurts the worst is that you think we can't still have a friendship. We've known each other for so long and you were my best friend for well over a year. I don't know what to do now that I don't have you to talk to. I want to give you time and space to forgive me my choices and to forgive yourself yours. I'm just afraid that you are determined to never talk to me again. I wish you would send me angry emails or text messages or at least reply to the message I sent you on facebook last week saying I hoped you could eventually be friends with me again. I'm certain you deleted it without reading it. It kills me a little to think about how you clicked that stupid unfriend button.
I suppose you are busy trying to get over me. I saw your retweet yesterday. It's silly to think you wouldn't have friends who are girls and that you wouldn't be hanging out with them, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt to read about it.
I miss you.
That being said, the past tense used above was not a typo, or at least, it was not unintentional. I am trying to make my love for you past tense, and I'm actually succeeding, I think.
That night in Boston was the most humiliating nights of my life. I have never been made to feel so bad about myself and things that I had done before, and especially not by someone for whom I cared so deeply. The things you said and did were, again, out of desperation, anger, fear, and a million other negative emotions by which you let yourself be overcome. You said that you were acting the way I wanted; that you were trying to be manly for me. You did not see the difference between manliness and chivalry, and the bullying attitude that you were portraying. You said what you were doing was proof of your love for me and if I didn't accept it as such, then I never truly loved you.
Funny, really.
What you claimed to be proof positive of your love for me was what made me realize that I couldn't love someone who could ever treat me that way. What you thought was the only way to fix the situation was actually the only way to ensure it could never go back to the way it was.
I don't blame you for the way you acted, but I wish you had not done what you had. I wish you had been willing to compromise instead of handing out ultimatums right and left. It hurts to convince myself to stop loving you, but I'm doing it because I can't let myself be with someone who is willing to treat someone they claim to love in that way.
But the thing that hurts the worst is that you think we can't still have a friendship. We've known each other for so long and you were my best friend for well over a year. I don't know what to do now that I don't have you to talk to. I want to give you time and space to forgive me my choices and to forgive yourself yours. I'm just afraid that you are determined to never talk to me again. I wish you would send me angry emails or text messages or at least reply to the message I sent you on facebook last week saying I hoped you could eventually be friends with me again. I'm certain you deleted it without reading it. It kills me a little to think about how you clicked that stupid unfriend button.
I suppose you are busy trying to get over me. I saw your retweet yesterday. It's silly to think you wouldn't have friends who are girls and that you wouldn't be hanging out with them, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt to read about it.
I miss you.