I know I don't use this very often, but I need to sort my thoughts...
Okay, so Alex was down this weekend. Everything has been going really well with us lately. We're having fun and whatnot. Seeing each other on weekends. Talking most nights. And this weekend he was visiting me.
And we had fun. He came down late Friday night, so we didn't really do anything that night. Late night talks include what he likes about me, what I like about him, how comfortable we feel around each other, yadda yadda yadda
Saturday we woke up and grabbed a late breakfast at Celtic Coffee House and had a really nice time talking. About lots of things, but not really anything in particular. But it was a very pleasant chat and there was a lot of reiterating about how being with me makes him happy and being with him makes me happy. No pressure, just good feelings.
We get home, take a nap, late dinner at the new hibachi restaurant (YUM btw) and up late watching TV. We MAJORLY oversleep Sunday morning. Alex was supposed to leave by 10 so that he can make his cousin's bday party at 2. We get up at 1. Hit Taco Bell for some breakfast. Back to the house to watch a movie. Pretty much just chill on the couch for the rest of the afternoon.
I keep asking him whether or not he's staying for dinner or whether he needs to try and get to his family party. He keeps asking me if I want him to stay. I keep telling him of course I want him to stay, but I won't be offended if he has to leave.
He stays.
Dinner. More TV. Up to my room for a bit because it's getting late (9:30ish). I ask him if he's staying and he doesn't answer. He's trying to decide. Leaving then, leaving the next morning. Weighing his options. He keeps asking me what I want him to do. I ask him what would happen if he were late for work and he said he would probably be fired. Told him that he shouldn't be late for work then. Leave now and go straight to bed or go to bed now and wake up early to drive home. He keeps asking me what I want him to do.
I want him to stay, but I don't want to tell him that. I don't want him to feel pressured to do something he shouldn't or doesn't want to. There is already pressure that I'm sure he is feeling because he knows I want a relationship from him and he knows long term that I want marriage (not necessarily from him but marriage, ya know)
So I try very hard not to mention how much I like him (a lot) or that I wish he would actually trust me enough to give a real relationship a shot or that I'm happier with him than I have been in a very long time.
All of a sudden he's talking about whether he's wasting my time or whatnot and whether I (me) still want to do this. He knows that he doesn't want a long-term relationship with anyone and he knows that I do so why should I (me) bother with it. Why would I (me) want to do something that I know will eventually have an end (and not one that is very far off, comparatively speaking)
This is completely out of left field for me, and very upsetting on top. I realize for the first time that I am willing to do something that I had previously told him I didn't want. I would rather have a relationship that I knew was going to end then miss out on the chance to spend more time with Alex.
We talk for a while and he basically says that it can go one of four ways:
1) We can end what we had and go back to being just friends.
2) We can end what we had and not see each other again. He doesn't want that, but understands if I can't go back to just friends after what we've been through.
3) We can continue what we currently have, but agree to see other people so that he doesn't feel like he's holding me back (which I will elaborate on)
4) We can have a real relationship that will obviously eventually end without progressing at some point in the future.
Here are my thoughts on those options:
1) No
2) NO!!!
3) Technically, this is what we already had, but I really have no interest in seeing other people and I've been truthful about that from the getgo. He's said that he wants us to be free to see other people and yet doesn't make any attempts to actually see anyone else. I ask him how many dates he's been on and he tells me one, but that he didn't enjoy it.
4) I'm actually surprised for two reasons. One, that he would even suggest and two that it would be the option that I would want the most.
But I suddenly know that #4 is what I want. It would make me the most happy. I don't want to think about him going on dates with anyone else. Even though I know he'll never want to be married or be in the relationship for any definite amount of time. Suddenly, I just want him fully now, because I realize that's the only way that I'll have a chance of getting his all - temporarily. Because he isn't ready to be in a relationship for the rest of his life. So if I wait until he is ready, it might be years from now, we might not be anywhere near what we are now.
I want a chance to see him at his best and if the only way to do that is to know he won't be mine forever, then what choice do I really have?
He says the difference between the two of us is that I see relationships as a trial for marriage and he doesn't.
I tell him I want option 4. He tells me no to say things just to make him happy because I think it's what he wants to hear. I tell him I'm not. He doesn't believe me. I tell him I'd rather be happy with him for just now, than unhappy without him. It doesn't come out the way I meant it. It doesn't sound the way it does in my head. I'm too upset to really explain myself well.
The more I try and explain the less he believes me. He thinks I'm just saying things that he wants to hear and not what I want. He tells me he needs me to open up. I do. I tell him almost everything I'm thinking. He says it isn't enough. I tell him to stop toying with me and leave me if he doesn't want me.
We seem to reach an understanding that is then displayed in a, ...erm..., physical manner... I'll spare you the gory details.
I ask him if he will be my boyfriend and he says he needs a day to think about it. I tell him he can have all the time he needs to think but I don't want to hear from him until he makes a choice after he leaves. I open up to him a lot as we are getting to sleep. I tell him how angry he's making me but at the end of it all, it doesn't hold a candle to how content I am just to sit next to him and do nothing. I tell him how I'm nervous that if he leaves me, I'm going to glom onto someone who is not up to my standards just to replicate that feeling. But I also tell him that no one could replicate that feeling unless it was real, so it's really just an irrational fear that I know would never happen.
He left this morning while I was at work.
I worried all day that he would decide I wasn't worth the trouble anymore.
He's calling me right now
And we had fun. He came down late Friday night, so we didn't really do anything that night. Late night talks include what he likes about me, what I like about him, how comfortable we feel around each other, yadda yadda yadda
Saturday we woke up and grabbed a late breakfast at Celtic Coffee House and had a really nice time talking. About lots of things, but not really anything in particular. But it was a very pleasant chat and there was a lot of reiterating about how being with me makes him happy and being with him makes me happy. No pressure, just good feelings.
We get home, take a nap, late dinner at the new hibachi restaurant (YUM btw) and up late watching TV. We MAJORLY oversleep Sunday morning. Alex was supposed to leave by 10 so that he can make his cousin's bday party at 2. We get up at 1. Hit Taco Bell for some breakfast. Back to the house to watch a movie. Pretty much just chill on the couch for the rest of the afternoon.
I keep asking him whether or not he's staying for dinner or whether he needs to try and get to his family party. He keeps asking me if I want him to stay. I keep telling him of course I want him to stay, but I won't be offended if he has to leave.
He stays.
Dinner. More TV. Up to my room for a bit because it's getting late (9:30ish). I ask him if he's staying and he doesn't answer. He's trying to decide. Leaving then, leaving the next morning. Weighing his options. He keeps asking me what I want him to do. I ask him what would happen if he were late for work and he said he would probably be fired. Told him that he shouldn't be late for work then. Leave now and go straight to bed or go to bed now and wake up early to drive home. He keeps asking me what I want him to do.
I want him to stay, but I don't want to tell him that. I don't want him to feel pressured to do something he shouldn't or doesn't want to. There is already pressure that I'm sure he is feeling because he knows I want a relationship from him and he knows long term that I want marriage (not necessarily from him but marriage, ya know)
So I try very hard not to mention how much I like him (a lot) or that I wish he would actually trust me enough to give a real relationship a shot or that I'm happier with him than I have been in a very long time.
All of a sudden he's talking about whether he's wasting my time or whatnot and whether I (me) still want to do this. He knows that he doesn't want a long-term relationship with anyone and he knows that I do so why should I (me) bother with it. Why would I (me) want to do something that I know will eventually have an end (and not one that is very far off, comparatively speaking)
This is completely out of left field for me, and very upsetting on top. I realize for the first time that I am willing to do something that I had previously told him I didn't want. I would rather have a relationship that I knew was going to end then miss out on the chance to spend more time with Alex.
We talk for a while and he basically says that it can go one of four ways:
1) We can end what we had and go back to being just friends.
2) We can end what we had and not see each other again. He doesn't want that, but understands if I can't go back to just friends after what we've been through.
3) We can continue what we currently have, but agree to see other people so that he doesn't feel like he's holding me back (which I will elaborate on)
4) We can have a real relationship that will obviously eventually end without progressing at some point in the future.
Here are my thoughts on those options:
1) No
2) NO!!!
3) Technically, this is what we already had, but I really have no interest in seeing other people and I've been truthful about that from the getgo. He's said that he wants us to be free to see other people and yet doesn't make any attempts to actually see anyone else. I ask him how many dates he's been on and he tells me one, but that he didn't enjoy it.
4) I'm actually surprised for two reasons. One, that he would even suggest and two that it would be the option that I would want the most.
But I suddenly know that #4 is what I want. It would make me the most happy. I don't want to think about him going on dates with anyone else. Even though I know he'll never want to be married or be in the relationship for any definite amount of time. Suddenly, I just want him fully now, because I realize that's the only way that I'll have a chance of getting his all - temporarily. Because he isn't ready to be in a relationship for the rest of his life. So if I wait until he is ready, it might be years from now, we might not be anywhere near what we are now.
I want a chance to see him at his best and if the only way to do that is to know he won't be mine forever, then what choice do I really have?
He says the difference between the two of us is that I see relationships as a trial for marriage and he doesn't.
I tell him I want option 4. He tells me no to say things just to make him happy because I think it's what he wants to hear. I tell him I'm not. He doesn't believe me. I tell him I'd rather be happy with him for just now, than unhappy without him. It doesn't come out the way I meant it. It doesn't sound the way it does in my head. I'm too upset to really explain myself well.
The more I try and explain the less he believes me. He thinks I'm just saying things that he wants to hear and not what I want. He tells me he needs me to open up. I do. I tell him almost everything I'm thinking. He says it isn't enough. I tell him to stop toying with me and leave me if he doesn't want me.
We seem to reach an understanding that is then displayed in a, ...erm..., physical manner... I'll spare you the gory details.
I ask him if he will be my boyfriend and he says he needs a day to think about it. I tell him he can have all the time he needs to think but I don't want to hear from him until he makes a choice after he leaves. I open up to him a lot as we are getting to sleep. I tell him how angry he's making me but at the end of it all, it doesn't hold a candle to how content I am just to sit next to him and do nothing. I tell him how I'm nervous that if he leaves me, I'm going to glom onto someone who is not up to my standards just to replicate that feeling. But I also tell him that no one could replicate that feeling unless it was real, so it's really just an irrational fear that I know would never happen.
He left this morning while I was at work.
I worried all day that he would decide I wasn't worth the trouble anymore.
He's calling me right now