All in the Family- My Uncles
Uncle Blitzen:
Uncle Blitzen was a troubled man. As a child, visiting backstage at a concert, he was fondled by a viola player and lived the rest of his days with an unnatural fear of stringed instruments. He was one of the 900 people present at the Jonestown Massacre, but he threw away the kool-aide and only pretended to be dead. When everyone stopped moving he looted the corpses. Subsequently, he moved to Stockholm, where he ate the town scumbag. Years later, he reemerged in England as a self-proclaimed Bishop, roaming the Midlands with a band of rogue altar boys, administering forced communion to inactive Catholics. He died during Hurricane Ivan, otherwise known as Hurricane Shlomo, in front of a porno shop when the stores sign blew down and he was crushed by to death by a giant neon dildo.
Uncle Shadrack:
Uncle Shadrack felt he was special because one of his testicles was shaped like a brazil nut, and the other like a cashew. he loved to run up to women and scream, "YOU WANT SOME MIXED NUTS?!" He had twenty three different personalities. He once stabbed his dog with a ceremonial Japanese saber in a dispute over a lamb bone. His wife, Chlorine, looked like something that might be found in a dumpster behind a cloning center. Her PMS was so bad she had a mood swing installed in her back yard. She eventuallt died during a gay pride parade when she was run over by a float full of lesbians. Shadrack settled in his basement, and lost his mind when trying to invent an anal harmonica. He hooked up with a passive-aggressive librarian who later beat him to death with a dictionary stand.
Uncle Tonto:
Uncle Tonto had a rough life; sex with a pelican is not an easy thing to live down. He drank alot. One time he was so drunk, he consulted a cottage cheese carton to determine the date. When stopped and tested by the police, he usually set the breathalyzer on fire. Refusing to drive while he was sober, he rode to work on an electric floor buffer. He was sentenced ten years for defacating in a cathedral. After his release, he hitchhiked through Pennsylvania where he was beaten to death by a buggyload of quakers.
Uncle Montezuma:
Uncle Montezuma wasn't too bright; He thought Irving Berlin was the Jewish Section of Germany. As a young man, he wanted to be a gynecologist, but he couldn't find an opening. He could make his cat take a shit by pointing his remote at it and pressing the volume up button. In an effort to improve his life, he sold his soul. Unfortunately, he sold it on Ebay and was never paid. He was one of the few men who at the age of 85 could remember the names of al his dentists. He was eventually beaten to death with a cello by a classical musician he befriended at a gay bar.
Hey everyone. Im still grounded. I miss my lovely.
Uncle Blitzen was a troubled man. As a child, visiting backstage at a concert, he was fondled by a viola player and lived the rest of his days with an unnatural fear of stringed instruments. He was one of the 900 people present at the Jonestown Massacre, but he threw away the kool-aide and only pretended to be dead. When everyone stopped moving he looted the corpses. Subsequently, he moved to Stockholm, where he ate the town scumbag. Years later, he reemerged in England as a self-proclaimed Bishop, roaming the Midlands with a band of rogue altar boys, administering forced communion to inactive Catholics. He died during Hurricane Ivan, otherwise known as Hurricane Shlomo, in front of a porno shop when the stores sign blew down and he was crushed by to death by a giant neon dildo.
Uncle Shadrack:
Uncle Shadrack felt he was special because one of his testicles was shaped like a brazil nut, and the other like a cashew. he loved to run up to women and scream, "YOU WANT SOME MIXED NUTS?!" He had twenty three different personalities. He once stabbed his dog with a ceremonial Japanese saber in a dispute over a lamb bone. His wife, Chlorine, looked like something that might be found in a dumpster behind a cloning center. Her PMS was so bad she had a mood swing installed in her back yard. She eventuallt died during a gay pride parade when she was run over by a float full of lesbians. Shadrack settled in his basement, and lost his mind when trying to invent an anal harmonica. He hooked up with a passive-aggressive librarian who later beat him to death with a dictionary stand.
Uncle Tonto:
Uncle Tonto had a rough life; sex with a pelican is not an easy thing to live down. He drank alot. One time he was so drunk, he consulted a cottage cheese carton to determine the date. When stopped and tested by the police, he usually set the breathalyzer on fire. Refusing to drive while he was sober, he rode to work on an electric floor buffer. He was sentenced ten years for defacating in a cathedral. After his release, he hitchhiked through Pennsylvania where he was beaten to death by a buggyload of quakers.
Uncle Montezuma:
Uncle Montezuma wasn't too bright; He thought Irving Berlin was the Jewish Section of Germany. As a young man, he wanted to be a gynecologist, but he couldn't find an opening. He could make his cat take a shit by pointing his remote at it and pressing the volume up button. In an effort to improve his life, he sold his soul. Unfortunately, he sold it on Ebay and was never paid. He was one of the few men who at the age of 85 could remember the names of al his dentists. He was eventually beaten to death with a cello by a classical musician he befriended at a gay bar.
Hey everyone. Im still grounded. I miss my lovely.