(no subject)
It has taken me over two weeks to get the gumption to write in here about this, but. My daddy died on the 4th. The morning after his 57th birthday, in bed, Mama woke up to him cold and stiff. It was undoubtedly the worst phone call I have ever and will ever receive. I am still just dead inside and numb over it. My dad. One of my best friends. Gone. Never coming home. It's too unbelievable for me, like the plot of some really whacked out tragedy. I just can't, you know?
And on top of that, he lost his job of 16 years in December and with it, his life insurance. My mama doesn't even have two pennies to rub together now. I had to rally up a fucking Internet fundraiser to be able to pay for his cremation. Well I sure enough did it and we poured the potpourri out of Grandma's salt jar and poured him in.
So now it's just this huge deal about how we are going to be able to keep Mama in that house and make sure her bills are okay and she is okay and I am taking so much fucking Valium just to get through the days and it's a goddamn mess.
There's too much going on for me to even begin grieving this.... absolute loss. I mean, the fucking despair... I can't even describe what this feels like. And it's not even fully hit in the least. The little things are what is making me crack right now... someone pulled out in front of me on my way home and I just started sobbing. We took 3 cats in today at work and I had to leave, I couldn't fucking handle it. Life is not manageable for me. There's not a clean dish in my house, it stinks, I can barely fill my cats water and food bowls up. I don't eat. I am totally lost.
And if one more fucking person tries to tell me they know how I feel....
And on top of that, he lost his job of 16 years in December and with it, his life insurance. My mama doesn't even have two pennies to rub together now. I had to rally up a fucking Internet fundraiser to be able to pay for his cremation. Well I sure enough did it and we poured the potpourri out of Grandma's salt jar and poured him in.
So now it's just this huge deal about how we are going to be able to keep Mama in that house and make sure her bills are okay and she is okay and I am taking so much fucking Valium just to get through the days and it's a goddamn mess.
There's too much going on for me to even begin grieving this.... absolute loss. I mean, the fucking despair... I can't even describe what this feels like. And it's not even fully hit in the least. The little things are what is making me crack right now... someone pulled out in front of me on my way home and I just started sobbing. We took 3 cats in today at work and I had to leave, I couldn't fucking handle it. Life is not manageable for me. There's not a clean dish in my house, it stinks, I can barely fill my cats water and food bowls up. I don't eat. I am totally lost.
And if one more fucking person tries to tell me they know how I feel....