Self-realizations
Hi, journal. It really has been too long.
I usually only write in here anymore when I'm having some kind of existential crisis. My last post was about K and I breaking up. I don't have anything bad or upsetting to say today.
I am writing this so that I can come back one day and remember this fleeting feeling.
I have been seeing someone on and off for almost a year in at the very least a sexual capacity. Our down time was basically around the time I got diagnosed with endometriosis and shortly after K and I split. He came back in my life at that right moment, and we have since developed pretty strong feelings toward each other. The break up with K was pretty hard on me because after all the time I had spent doing just fine alone before, I never wanted to allow myself to feel anything with her in the first place - so I was crushed when I found out that I had been right the entire time. I thought I would just go back to being the way I was before her.
Then my fella and I started to get pretty real. I was fighting it tooth and nail - why couldn't we just fuck and leave it at that? Why complicate things, why add emotional stressors to such a good dynamic? It was after we spent the night together, after I spent hours learning the map of his veins and listening to chorus of our beating hearts, that I realized several things.
-- I am more than likely meant to be with a man. I am extremely more comfortable being with someone who identifies as a man. I am still attracted to women, but I am far more attracted to men and I think that I'd be better off in that kind of dynamic.
-- Why do I hate myself so much that I continually try to deny myself of some of the most simple, good things in life? Having good feelings about someone is not a bad thing, and I have got to stop torturing myself for developing them. I continually attempt to sabotage all emotional connections and obsessively over-analyze every good thing that comes my way. I am so afraid of being hurt, so sure that it's going to end and crush the already shattered pieces of my heart, that I don't even want to enjoy the good parts. From now on, I'm going to be better to myself. I will learn to love without question. I will learn to accept the pain and the hurt with dignity and joy that I was able to feel something so beautiful and pure and deep about someone to begin with. I want to cherish the good feelings while they exist. I will try so hard to feel emotions at a deeper level no matter the cost and concentrate on the here-and-now and not concern myself with the future.
-- Because of the aforementioned point, I hide the really sweet, soft and good side of myself. I am going to try to show those good parts of myself, knowing that some people will inevitably use that kind and gentle part of my soul in a way that will hurt me. I feel like I am so hard because I had to be hard - it's time to melt the ice and allow myself to be vulnerable at times.
-- After my brief secret fling with the FratBoy in 09', I vowed that I'd never involve myself with another closet case unless it was strictly NSA sex. -_- During a terrifyingly real conversation in bed in the dark with my lover, I was silently judging him for being in the closet. Then I realized I was only judging him because he has to keep what we have a secret. Wait, don't I keep secrets from people as well? Like, oh I don't know, the fact that I'm a queer guy from my grandparents who think I'm a straight girl?!?! Would I be open about him to my parents? No. So I need to stop jumping to judgement. I realize that just because our secrets aren't in the foreground for the world to see, it doesn't make them any less real or valid. He doesn't care about me any less just because he's afraid of the social stigma of giving up his perceived heterosexuality. It isn't the most ideal thing to occur, but it doesn't make it invalid.
-- I need to stop blaming myself for "allowing" others to hurt me just by opening my heart/tearing down my walls for them. I need to step back and remember the good things that I felt and that it was fun while it lasted. Accept that pain with a smile. I need to learn to forgive - not necessarily verbally to the people that hurt me, but within my own heart. I'm not ready to forgive K yet, but I hope the day will come soon when I can slough off that layer of dead pain and remember how happy I was that first month and be done with it.
-- What I have in my heart right now is very pure and delicate and feels incredible. I am concentrating on what I feel right this moment instead of worrying that this might be fleeting or how it would ever work being so closeted. What I feel is beautiful.
Break my heart now, and I'm left with a beautiful, perfect dust full of beautiful, perfect memories. I'm okay with that. I'll pick up the pieces and bottle up that feeling and wear it around my neck. I think now that I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
I usually only write in here anymore when I'm having some kind of existential crisis. My last post was about K and I breaking up. I don't have anything bad or upsetting to say today.
I am writing this so that I can come back one day and remember this fleeting feeling.
I have been seeing someone on and off for almost a year in at the very least a sexual capacity. Our down time was basically around the time I got diagnosed with endometriosis and shortly after K and I split. He came back in my life at that right moment, and we have since developed pretty strong feelings toward each other. The break up with K was pretty hard on me because after all the time I had spent doing just fine alone before, I never wanted to allow myself to feel anything with her in the first place - so I was crushed when I found out that I had been right the entire time. I thought I would just go back to being the way I was before her.
Then my fella and I started to get pretty real. I was fighting it tooth and nail - why couldn't we just fuck and leave it at that? Why complicate things, why add emotional stressors to such a good dynamic? It was after we spent the night together, after I spent hours learning the map of his veins and listening to chorus of our beating hearts, that I realized several things.
-- I am more than likely meant to be with a man. I am extremely more comfortable being with someone who identifies as a man. I am still attracted to women, but I am far more attracted to men and I think that I'd be better off in that kind of dynamic.
-- Why do I hate myself so much that I continually try to deny myself of some of the most simple, good things in life? Having good feelings about someone is not a bad thing, and I have got to stop torturing myself for developing them. I continually attempt to sabotage all emotional connections and obsessively over-analyze every good thing that comes my way. I am so afraid of being hurt, so sure that it's going to end and crush the already shattered pieces of my heart, that I don't even want to enjoy the good parts. From now on, I'm going to be better to myself. I will learn to love without question. I will learn to accept the pain and the hurt with dignity and joy that I was able to feel something so beautiful and pure and deep about someone to begin with. I want to cherish the good feelings while they exist. I will try so hard to feel emotions at a deeper level no matter the cost and concentrate on the here-and-now and not concern myself with the future.
-- Because of the aforementioned point, I hide the really sweet, soft and good side of myself. I am going to try to show those good parts of myself, knowing that some people will inevitably use that kind and gentle part of my soul in a way that will hurt me. I feel like I am so hard because I had to be hard - it's time to melt the ice and allow myself to be vulnerable at times.
-- After my brief secret fling with the FratBoy in 09', I vowed that I'd never involve myself with another closet case unless it was strictly NSA sex. -_- During a terrifyingly real conversation in bed in the dark with my lover, I was silently judging him for being in the closet. Then I realized I was only judging him because he has to keep what we have a secret. Wait, don't I keep secrets from people as well? Like, oh I don't know, the fact that I'm a queer guy from my grandparents who think I'm a straight girl?!?! Would I be open about him to my parents? No. So I need to stop jumping to judgement. I realize that just because our secrets aren't in the foreground for the world to see, it doesn't make them any less real or valid. He doesn't care about me any less just because he's afraid of the social stigma of giving up his perceived heterosexuality. It isn't the most ideal thing to occur, but it doesn't make it invalid.
-- I need to stop blaming myself for "allowing" others to hurt me just by opening my heart/tearing down my walls for them. I need to step back and remember the good things that I felt and that it was fun while it lasted. Accept that pain with a smile. I need to learn to forgive - not necessarily verbally to the people that hurt me, but within my own heart. I'm not ready to forgive K yet, but I hope the day will come soon when I can slough off that layer of dead pain and remember how happy I was that first month and be done with it.
-- What I have in my heart right now is very pure and delicate and feels incredible. I am concentrating on what I feel right this moment instead of worrying that this might be fleeting or how it would ever work being so closeted. What I feel is beautiful.
Break my heart now, and I'm left with a beautiful, perfect dust full of beautiful, perfect memories. I'm okay with that. I'll pick up the pieces and bottle up that feeling and wear it around my neck. I think now that I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.