quit your bitching
i am so low right now. there are no words to describe the meloncholy.
you know, i graduated high school to STOP feeling like this. i thought there were benefits to getting out of adolesence.
i really like my dance class on saturdays. only trouble is my instructor is one of these rare people who has it all together. i had a long talk with him today and it made me insanely jealous that someone so young could have so much figured out.
i know im not a bad person, but there is so much of my life that is messy and screwed up. and i know where the blame lies in most aspects, and to be perfectly honest, much of the fucked up things are because i made them that way. i have done a lot of really stupid things and looking at someone like my instructor is very disheartening because it just makes you realize that there are some things you dont get to take back. they're stuck with you. and you will have to carry certain things around with you for good, and they will shape who you become, and often for the worse. and people will think less of you because you think less of you.
why why why am i such a fuckup.
i talked to my grandpa today, and for the first time, it didnt help. it just made me miss him more and wish i was there with him. funny how the only one who ever tells me the truth is also the only one who is honest with grandpa's real condition. everyone is telling me he's fine, except him. he's the only one who gives it straight.
i am losing the most important man i have ever known. and while it sounds dramatic, this family is losing the last of its foundation. im not sure if anyone else realizes the pillar that is crumbling right in front of their fucking faces.
and theres nothing you can do about it.
you know, i graduated high school to STOP feeling like this. i thought there were benefits to getting out of adolesence.
i really like my dance class on saturdays. only trouble is my instructor is one of these rare people who has it all together. i had a long talk with him today and it made me insanely jealous that someone so young could have so much figured out.
i know im not a bad person, but there is so much of my life that is messy and screwed up. and i know where the blame lies in most aspects, and to be perfectly honest, much of the fucked up things are because i made them that way. i have done a lot of really stupid things and looking at someone like my instructor is very disheartening because it just makes you realize that there are some things you dont get to take back. they're stuck with you. and you will have to carry certain things around with you for good, and they will shape who you become, and often for the worse. and people will think less of you because you think less of you.
why why why am i such a fuckup.
i talked to my grandpa today, and for the first time, it didnt help. it just made me miss him more and wish i was there with him. funny how the only one who ever tells me the truth is also the only one who is honest with grandpa's real condition. everyone is telling me he's fine, except him. he's the only one who gives it straight.
i am losing the most important man i have ever known. and while it sounds dramatic, this family is losing the last of its foundation. im not sure if anyone else realizes the pillar that is crumbling right in front of their fucking faces.
and theres nothing you can do about it.