Fic: (il)Licit, Part 5
Please see The Prologue for story information and table of contents.
“We need to talk,” Jared sighs, pressing his hand down on Jensen’s chest and pushing himself away from what very well have been the best kiss of his life. It’s the last week of filming, and then it’s split away, Jared stuck in Vancouver and Jensen down in Texas and LA. Jensen’s mouth tastes of clove smoke and soda. It’s been a month and a half of nothing but sex, every direction and kink you could imagine, and Jared doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore.
“What do we need to talk about?” Jensen asks.
“You’re still playing a game with me,” Jared says, flatly. “I thought we were done with that, but you’re still doing it, even now.”
“What do you mean?” Jensen says, quietly. His face is guarded like he knows he’s getting ready for a fight. “I told you a million times before, I only wanted to make sure you wanted me as much as I wanted you.”
“That’s not it,” Jared says. “It’s like…it’s like you’ve been a caricature ever since we started having sex, Jen. And all I want to know is how the hell do you expect me to believe that you want me to be anything substantial to you if you can’t even tell me you want me? If you can’t even talk to me unless we’re in bed?”
“It’s not like you wanted to date me for my highly stimulating dinner conversation. I’m hot, as vain as that sounds, I’m hot and I used it and I know it’s the only reason you want me. It’s because I’m him, and you’ve wanted him all along,” Jensen reasons.
“What?” Jared asks, fist clenching. “Does everything I say to you go out the window? I want you. I’m dating you. I’m fucking you. I’m not an idiot, I don’t think you’re the characters you play. Fuck, if I wanted to fuck a character of yours, I’d ask, Jensen. I thought you would have taken that shit into account. I guess not. But I really guess I’ve been your plaything this whole time, too. Did you figure that after you started fucking me, Sandy could stop spoon-feeding me your porn? Did you think I was sufficiently seduced so that when you were done with me I’d still have a souvenir to hang onto.”
“Jared, you know that’s not…” Jensen pauses, presses his lips together. The very action makes Jared fume, biting his lip to keep quiet, let Jensen have his say. “You know that’s not true. It’s just…It’s inescapable. You see what it can do on screen and then you only see me as that. As that body. And I wanted you to know, but it’s not like…”
“Like what, Jen?” Jared asks, softly. “You expected me to act that way?”
“We need to break this off, Jare,” Jensen nods, more to himself than to Jared. “It’s not like we’ll be getting the chance to even hang out this summer, anyway, right? What’s the point, if you can’t admit that the only reason we’re dating is for the sex.”
“When will you understand that I want you? That I love you, Jensen? That I want you to let me in and I want…”
Jared watches as Jensen turns around and walks out the door, not even letting him finish.
“I’m leaving. Flight’s in a few minutes.”
“Be careful.”
“Break a leg with filming.”
“Knock ‘em dead on stage. I love you.”
“Yeah, I gotta go. Bye, Jared.”
Womenhandled 2 is bittersweet, a DVD devoted to the farewell of Max Sin, as the box says.
“You sure you want this?” Sandy asks, holding it in one of her hands as she sips her cup of coffee. “It’s going to be brutal to watch, given how he thinks you feel about him.”
“Well, I figure if I want to figure out why he’s sending so many mixed messages over Max, I guess I’m going to have to watch it, anyway,” Jared shrugs, and it’s kind of true. But if Jared’s completely honest with himself, Jensen’s talked about it enough that he’s genuinely curious about it, and he figures that if Jensen’s worried about his fantasies revolving around a pornographic alter-ego, he should at least benefit from it while he can, behind Jensen’s back as a nice break from the flood of angst Jared’s life has seemingly become when he’s not acting like a painter. Jared tries to put himself in Jensen’s shoes in this situation, but his mind kind of stops at having sex on tape.
Max looks about 24 in this one, where he’s in an alleyway, smoking a cigarette and looking like a general badass when three pretty girls approach him. He asserts himself as a rent-boy, cocking a hip, looking them up and down, licking his lips like he knows what’s going on under those tight pants and short skirts. They’re in Mexico, somewhere. It looks like Cabo, given the scenery as he walks down to their apartment with them. There’s throwaway dialogue and he picks up the box and the remote, and gets set to fast forward.
It’s a lot sillier, Jared realizes, when he’s watching Max suck cock and take it up the ass in super-speed. He looks like he’s enjoying every minute, but it’s a lot more telling to see camera angles when they only have seconds instead of minutes, to see Max’s lips open and his eyes flutter closed and wonder how those moans sound when they’re four times higher than they should be. Max fucks with his whole body, like he’s dancing underneath someone, holding his own in the push and pull of sex, and Jared gets the idea that Max flaunts the way he’s fully aware of the effect he’s having on his partner.
Jared stops when he sees Max lay over on a sofa, prepping himself for what seems like all three of the girls at the same time. Jared wonders how that’ll work, and watches as the camera zooms in to see fingers swallowed inside that generous ass, first two, then four, and then one of the girls comes along and helps him slide his whole hand in there, pausing until he stretches wide around the knuckles and pulls it inside. Her fingers pull at him, at his entrance as it settles around his wrist, like she’s loosening him up for something even bigger than that, and oh, Jared’s intrigued.
He leans back, smiling at her before kissing her softly, like he actually likes it instead of just acting. He presses his wrist in a little deeper, and then pulls it out slow, before going back again and sliding his hand back in. It’s slow and teasing, and he fits himself differently over the sofa so he can let her slip fingers around his wrist, pulling him open even more, like he’ll need the extra capability soon.
Max pulls his hand out of himself, reaching across to stroke at her cock before sitting on her, careful with her pelvis like he could crush her. She holds his legs open, and he gives a sultry glance to the camera like he’s genuinely having fun as he grabs down at her cock, giving it a squeeze before pulling it backwards and letting her inside him. They both moan low, and Jared sits back on the couch, ready for more.
The second girl comes in, and the camera switches position easily to show her fingers sliding into Max’s ass around that cock like she’s trying to stretch him out as well, a little extra lube on the condom she’s wearing, and soon, she’s sinking into Max, too, stretching him twice as wide, taking half the weight of his body from the girl beneath him. The camera zooms in on a filthy hot shot of dick, two pulling in and out in different directions as Max begins to keen, like he wants more.
The camera switches to another angle and Jared’s got his hand down his fucking pants by the time he watches Max kiss the girl on top of him, body working like water. One of his hands leads into the blonde hair behind him, urging her on, too.
“Wanna suck your cock so bad,” He coos to the camera, working his lips softly as his lashes flutter again, and Jared’s so hard that he debates pausing on that face, stroking himself to pieces and not even bothering with the rest, not even bothering to see Max get fucked through his own orgasm and the orgasm of three different girls. Instead, he watches dazedly as Max’s mouth opens and his head tips back, an open passage for the third cock to slide home.
“Yeah,” the woman above him comments. “You suck my cock like that. You feel used yet, whore?”
He tilts his head sideways, so he can get a good yet innocent look at the camera before she pulls him back into place, and starts fucking his mouth. The three of them set a brutal pace, quick and hard and point and counterpoint, and this is what Jensen’s talking about when he says people wanted him for the body back then, Jared thinks to himself. It’s impossible, however, not to appreciate what that body can do, the classic bottom boy position, spread out for as many people as he can manage. Getting fucked looks good on that body, rock hard abs convulsing, throat expanding, cock wet and slip-sliding just under his navel. They work as a fine tuned machine with him as the center component, the main receptor. Listening to his moans of appreciation, they change things up when it looks like he’s getting too bored.
Without even thinking, Jared holds his cock in his hand loosely and it simply comes, his whole body locking up at the mere thought of being used that way, made to take and like it, and goddamnit, there’s nothing so iconic as when they back away and he looks like he’s honest to god loved every minute of this, even though come’s leaking on his thighs and his back and his face, it’s like a fucking huge going away present. Like he was just one of the girls.
After he’s done, Jared packs up the DVD and puts it in the box in his closet. He closes it, and tries not to think of how that box got him here, tries not to think of the palpable need that has awakened for Jensen because of it, the pouty looks and how he shakes when he comes on camera and let’s not even talk about the pictures, because then Jared’s forced to consider that he may really only want Jensen because he’s close, and he’s got a body that could go on for days.
He calls Jensen, but Jen doesn’t pick up. The wheels in Jared’s head turn harder than they have about this in a long time, and he talks it out to himself. What’s to say that Jensen’s letting him see the full picture? What’s to say that Jensen didn’t really mean for all this to happen the way it did? Jared knows he wants to find out, and he knows how he’s going to have to see about it.
Jared’s a bit alarmed at the fact that he’s watched enough porn to become a geek about it. There’s always the stamp of authenticity of Max’s porn company at the beginning and end of each video, always the logo on the pictures no matter which magazine they’re in, so it’s easy to go to the internet and look up the company. Max’s portfolio isn’t on the front page of the company’s website, he’s presumably been out too long for that, but with a little bit of digging, Jared finds it easy.
He recognizes most of the titles, and writes down the ones he doesn’t to check with Sandy, when she calls him back. The company seems simple, just lots of porn for a lot of varying tastes in the same way the CW keeps its contract actors on a revolving door policy between drama, comedy and horror. Jared doesn’t see anybody who stays in one particular genre for very long, and Max is no exception to the rule.
Sandy calls partway through his train of thought, and he sighs his hellos before getting down to business. She’s heard of most of the titles before, ones about dirty slave boys and cyborgs and other really impossibly hilarious things like medical roleplay, when Jared looks at them. She tells him the ones she’s kept for him to pick up in LA, and the ones she’s decided to keep for herself because she’s taking a cut for her ‘pain and suffering’.
But there’s one that looks remotely like it’s revolving around a circus kink, and neither of them have heard of it before. The pictures on the site make Jensen look like he’s all of seventeen, a runaway-cum-acrobat and the pictures of the back cover show him absolutely manhandled by a group of clowns, oddly enough.
Jared already feels skeezed out by it. The website lists enough kinks to rival Max’s work in Womanhandled, and Jared reads the tagline aloud.
“Can this young boy’s ass contain more Clowns than a clown car?” Jared asks.
“Uh, what?” Sandy says.
“That’s the tagline for this movie. Looks like evil clown gangbang porn or something,” Jared says.
“I’d remember that. Isn’t Jensen afraid of clowns?”
“I thought he was,” Jared shrugs. “It sounds mildly horrifying. The clown makeup’s all distorted and there are at least seven different people I can see in these pictures. How the hell did he even agree to this?”
“I’m worried about you, Jared,” Sandy tells him, in the middle of checking this list. “You’re…I don’t know. You sound desperate. What’s this gonna prove?”
“Thanks for noticing,” he sighs. “I’m just…grabbing at straws, here. I didn’t expect this to end this way when I got into bed with him, y’know? How do I work with him professionally knowing that he thinks when I’m looking at him that I’m thinking about his porn career?”
“Good question,” she sighs. “I’m pretty sure he didn’t, you know, intend for it to go on for this long.”
“Well, yeah. But that’s irrelevant. We fucked and now he seems so far away. Like…he couldn’t believe I wasn’t asking him to be Max.”
“I know. But maybe you just need to find another way to convince him, Jared,” She says. “I wish I could help you more.”
“You’ve helped plenty,” Jared says, and there’s no venom in his voice, only truth. “I just…I have an idea as to how this is going to end, and it’s hard for me to believe that it’s come down to this.”
“I’m sorry.” Sandy coos, warm like a hug. “At least you got a box of porn out of it, right? That’s a lot of Frisbees for your dogs.”
“Yeah,” Jared says. “I think I got a plan, though. Although I know I’m going to be watching a lot more porn because of it.”
“What does that mean?” Sandy asks.
“It’s hard to explain.”
Jared’s not desperate, he realizes as the weeks go on, it’s just that there’s something so raw inside him over the jagged ending to the best few months Jared’s ever had in a relationship. He wonders if Jensen’s ever going to realize how insane he can drive Jared with just the right look, a grin or smirk or wide stance. There’s a comfort to being able to live in someone’s back pocket until you feel like you’re one with them, and while it would have been hard to figure out a way to adapt to not having Jensen at his side anyway during the summer, it’s even harder given the fact that Jensen’s not even acknowledging the fact that Jared’s head over heels for him.
“Fuck,” Jared says under his breath.
“Just deal, sweetheart,” Sandy comments back, and presses the tickets into the hand of an usher who leads them to their seats.
That’s all Jared can do at this point, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel like surrendering to circumstance.
Later, after the cast party for A Few Good Men, Jared shows up at the door of Jensen’s hotel room, knocking quickly. He feels like this is the biggest chance he’s ever taken, with anything.
“Jared,” Jensen says, softly. He steps aside and lets Jared inside. Jared scratches his head a bit, and keeps silent until the door’s closed.
“I know I’m the last person you want to see, Jen.”
“Not the last, I’d say,” Jensen comments.
“Well, you did good, like you were meant for this. I wanted to see you before I left. Wanted to tell you that I love you, doesn’t really feel right without you around,” He looks down at his shoes, and he can’t tell where the act of this is ending and the genuine awkwardness begins.
The silence hangs dense between them, accented by the Television’s background noise. They’re close, but the air between them doesn’t feel intimate the way it should.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen says. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you. I didn’t think that…I don’t want it to be this way, but I know I kind of put us here.”
Jared licks his lips, waiting for Jensen to play into his hands, “Yes, you did.”
“And look, Jared I really like you. It’s ridiculous how hot you are and you’re good in bed and I respect you as an actor but I really don’t think this will work out between us if we keep doing this. I’m sorry for doing everything, for starting everything, but I’m seriously not happy with what I’ve done. I’ve teased you and ruined our working relationship and I’ll understand if you never want to even look at me again, with all the shit I’ve done to you. It was…it was just a bad idea, okay? I didn’t expect to bring up so much, and when I was playing Max, all my boyfriends only wanted me for him, so it’s hard not to expect that you’d want me in the same way,” Jensen sighs.
Jared makes a noncommittal noise, sticking his hands in his front pockets.
Jensen continues, “I’m sorry for everything I did to you. It’s not fair, and I just wanted you to know, before we started dating and Sandy brought it up and it would get, you know, weird. I never should have done it, because I can’t help but worry that this will ruin everything we ever had between us, and I don’t want that to happen on account of me. I’d rather we be friends than have you just see me for that. I hope, you know, that we can still be friends, Jay.”
That’s all the proof Jared needs that he’s doing the right thing. Jared pulls Jensen to him, yanking the DVD from his pocket with his other hand and throwing it to the bed. A quick gasp, and Jared slides his tongue onto Jensen’s lips, a quick tease before Jensen’s mouth opens the rest of the way and Jared can kiss him fully, passionately. Jensen tries to break away to look at what Jared’s left behind, but Jared’s voice lowers to a scandalous tone.
“I’ll see you in Canada, Jensen,” Jared whispers in Jensen’s ear like it’s a plan for mutiny, feather soft yet full of determination, promise. Before Jensen can even say anything, Jared’s across the room and opening the door.
Jared’s hand curls into a fist, knowing that this is the way things have to play out, that persuading Jensen with his body right now will accomplish nothing. His nails sink into the flesh of his palm, and his throat feels dry.
He sees Jensen sit on the bed, looking at the factory sealed copy of ‘Assring Brothers Present: Two-hole Circus’ in his hands.
Jared closes the door behind him, and hopes he’s doing the right thing.
Epilogue
“We need to talk,” Jared sighs, pressing his hand down on Jensen’s chest and pushing himself away from what very well have been the best kiss of his life. It’s the last week of filming, and then it’s split away, Jared stuck in Vancouver and Jensen down in Texas and LA. Jensen’s mouth tastes of clove smoke and soda. It’s been a month and a half of nothing but sex, every direction and kink you could imagine, and Jared doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore.
“What do we need to talk about?” Jensen asks.
“You’re still playing a game with me,” Jared says, flatly. “I thought we were done with that, but you’re still doing it, even now.”
“What do you mean?” Jensen says, quietly. His face is guarded like he knows he’s getting ready for a fight. “I told you a million times before, I only wanted to make sure you wanted me as much as I wanted you.”
“That’s not it,” Jared says. “It’s like…it’s like you’ve been a caricature ever since we started having sex, Jen. And all I want to know is how the hell do you expect me to believe that you want me to be anything substantial to you if you can’t even tell me you want me? If you can’t even talk to me unless we’re in bed?”
“It’s not like you wanted to date me for my highly stimulating dinner conversation. I’m hot, as vain as that sounds, I’m hot and I used it and I know it’s the only reason you want me. It’s because I’m him, and you’ve wanted him all along,” Jensen reasons.
“What?” Jared asks, fist clenching. “Does everything I say to you go out the window? I want you. I’m dating you. I’m fucking you. I’m not an idiot, I don’t think you’re the characters you play. Fuck, if I wanted to fuck a character of yours, I’d ask, Jensen. I thought you would have taken that shit into account. I guess not. But I really guess I’ve been your plaything this whole time, too. Did you figure that after you started fucking me, Sandy could stop spoon-feeding me your porn? Did you think I was sufficiently seduced so that when you were done with me I’d still have a souvenir to hang onto.”
“Jared, you know that’s not…” Jensen pauses, presses his lips together. The very action makes Jared fume, biting his lip to keep quiet, let Jensen have his say. “You know that’s not true. It’s just…It’s inescapable. You see what it can do on screen and then you only see me as that. As that body. And I wanted you to know, but it’s not like…”
“Like what, Jen?” Jared asks, softly. “You expected me to act that way?”
“We need to break this off, Jare,” Jensen nods, more to himself than to Jared. “It’s not like we’ll be getting the chance to even hang out this summer, anyway, right? What’s the point, if you can’t admit that the only reason we’re dating is for the sex.”
“When will you understand that I want you? That I love you, Jensen? That I want you to let me in and I want…”
Jared watches as Jensen turns around and walks out the door, not even letting him finish.
“I’m leaving. Flight’s in a few minutes.”
“Be careful.”
“Break a leg with filming.”
“Knock ‘em dead on stage. I love you.”
“Yeah, I gotta go. Bye, Jared.”
Womenhandled 2 is bittersweet, a DVD devoted to the farewell of Max Sin, as the box says.
“You sure you want this?” Sandy asks, holding it in one of her hands as she sips her cup of coffee. “It’s going to be brutal to watch, given how he thinks you feel about him.”
“Well, I figure if I want to figure out why he’s sending so many mixed messages over Max, I guess I’m going to have to watch it, anyway,” Jared shrugs, and it’s kind of true. But if Jared’s completely honest with himself, Jensen’s talked about it enough that he’s genuinely curious about it, and he figures that if Jensen’s worried about his fantasies revolving around a pornographic alter-ego, he should at least benefit from it while he can, behind Jensen’s back as a nice break from the flood of angst Jared’s life has seemingly become when he’s not acting like a painter. Jared tries to put himself in Jensen’s shoes in this situation, but his mind kind of stops at having sex on tape.
Max looks about 24 in this one, where he’s in an alleyway, smoking a cigarette and looking like a general badass when three pretty girls approach him. He asserts himself as a rent-boy, cocking a hip, looking them up and down, licking his lips like he knows what’s going on under those tight pants and short skirts. They’re in Mexico, somewhere. It looks like Cabo, given the scenery as he walks down to their apartment with them. There’s throwaway dialogue and he picks up the box and the remote, and gets set to fast forward.
It’s a lot sillier, Jared realizes, when he’s watching Max suck cock and take it up the ass in super-speed. He looks like he’s enjoying every minute, but it’s a lot more telling to see camera angles when they only have seconds instead of minutes, to see Max’s lips open and his eyes flutter closed and wonder how those moans sound when they’re four times higher than they should be. Max fucks with his whole body, like he’s dancing underneath someone, holding his own in the push and pull of sex, and Jared gets the idea that Max flaunts the way he’s fully aware of the effect he’s having on his partner.
Jared stops when he sees Max lay over on a sofa, prepping himself for what seems like all three of the girls at the same time. Jared wonders how that’ll work, and watches as the camera zooms in to see fingers swallowed inside that generous ass, first two, then four, and then one of the girls comes along and helps him slide his whole hand in there, pausing until he stretches wide around the knuckles and pulls it inside. Her fingers pull at him, at his entrance as it settles around his wrist, like she’s loosening him up for something even bigger than that, and oh, Jared’s intrigued.
He leans back, smiling at her before kissing her softly, like he actually likes it instead of just acting. He presses his wrist in a little deeper, and then pulls it out slow, before going back again and sliding his hand back in. It’s slow and teasing, and he fits himself differently over the sofa so he can let her slip fingers around his wrist, pulling him open even more, like he’ll need the extra capability soon.
Max pulls his hand out of himself, reaching across to stroke at her cock before sitting on her, careful with her pelvis like he could crush her. She holds his legs open, and he gives a sultry glance to the camera like he’s genuinely having fun as he grabs down at her cock, giving it a squeeze before pulling it backwards and letting her inside him. They both moan low, and Jared sits back on the couch, ready for more.
The second girl comes in, and the camera switches position easily to show her fingers sliding into Max’s ass around that cock like she’s trying to stretch him out as well, a little extra lube on the condom she’s wearing, and soon, she’s sinking into Max, too, stretching him twice as wide, taking half the weight of his body from the girl beneath him. The camera zooms in on a filthy hot shot of dick, two pulling in and out in different directions as Max begins to keen, like he wants more.
The camera switches to another angle and Jared’s got his hand down his fucking pants by the time he watches Max kiss the girl on top of him, body working like water. One of his hands leads into the blonde hair behind him, urging her on, too.
“Wanna suck your cock so bad,” He coos to the camera, working his lips softly as his lashes flutter again, and Jared’s so hard that he debates pausing on that face, stroking himself to pieces and not even bothering with the rest, not even bothering to see Max get fucked through his own orgasm and the orgasm of three different girls. Instead, he watches dazedly as Max’s mouth opens and his head tips back, an open passage for the third cock to slide home.
“Yeah,” the woman above him comments. “You suck my cock like that. You feel used yet, whore?”
He tilts his head sideways, so he can get a good yet innocent look at the camera before she pulls him back into place, and starts fucking his mouth. The three of them set a brutal pace, quick and hard and point and counterpoint, and this is what Jensen’s talking about when he says people wanted him for the body back then, Jared thinks to himself. It’s impossible, however, not to appreciate what that body can do, the classic bottom boy position, spread out for as many people as he can manage. Getting fucked looks good on that body, rock hard abs convulsing, throat expanding, cock wet and slip-sliding just under his navel. They work as a fine tuned machine with him as the center component, the main receptor. Listening to his moans of appreciation, they change things up when it looks like he’s getting too bored.
Without even thinking, Jared holds his cock in his hand loosely and it simply comes, his whole body locking up at the mere thought of being used that way, made to take and like it, and goddamnit, there’s nothing so iconic as when they back away and he looks like he’s honest to god loved every minute of this, even though come’s leaking on his thighs and his back and his face, it’s like a fucking huge going away present. Like he was just one of the girls.
After he’s done, Jared packs up the DVD and puts it in the box in his closet. He closes it, and tries not to think of how that box got him here, tries not to think of the palpable need that has awakened for Jensen because of it, the pouty looks and how he shakes when he comes on camera and let’s not even talk about the pictures, because then Jared’s forced to consider that he may really only want Jensen because he’s close, and he’s got a body that could go on for days.
He calls Jensen, but Jen doesn’t pick up. The wheels in Jared’s head turn harder than they have about this in a long time, and he talks it out to himself. What’s to say that Jensen’s letting him see the full picture? What’s to say that Jensen didn’t really mean for all this to happen the way it did? Jared knows he wants to find out, and he knows how he’s going to have to see about it.
Jared’s a bit alarmed at the fact that he’s watched enough porn to become a geek about it. There’s always the stamp of authenticity of Max’s porn company at the beginning and end of each video, always the logo on the pictures no matter which magazine they’re in, so it’s easy to go to the internet and look up the company. Max’s portfolio isn’t on the front page of the company’s website, he’s presumably been out too long for that, but with a little bit of digging, Jared finds it easy.
He recognizes most of the titles, and writes down the ones he doesn’t to check with Sandy, when she calls him back. The company seems simple, just lots of porn for a lot of varying tastes in the same way the CW keeps its contract actors on a revolving door policy between drama, comedy and horror. Jared doesn’t see anybody who stays in one particular genre for very long, and Max is no exception to the rule.
Sandy calls partway through his train of thought, and he sighs his hellos before getting down to business. She’s heard of most of the titles before, ones about dirty slave boys and cyborgs and other really impossibly hilarious things like medical roleplay, when Jared looks at them. She tells him the ones she’s kept for him to pick up in LA, and the ones she’s decided to keep for herself because she’s taking a cut for her ‘pain and suffering’.
But there’s one that looks remotely like it’s revolving around a circus kink, and neither of them have heard of it before. The pictures on the site make Jensen look like he’s all of seventeen, a runaway-cum-acrobat and the pictures of the back cover show him absolutely manhandled by a group of clowns, oddly enough.
Jared already feels skeezed out by it. The website lists enough kinks to rival Max’s work in Womanhandled, and Jared reads the tagline aloud.
“Can this young boy’s ass contain more Clowns than a clown car?” Jared asks.
“Uh, what?” Sandy says.
“That’s the tagline for this movie. Looks like evil clown gangbang porn or something,” Jared says.
“I’d remember that. Isn’t Jensen afraid of clowns?”
“I thought he was,” Jared shrugs. “It sounds mildly horrifying. The clown makeup’s all distorted and there are at least seven different people I can see in these pictures. How the hell did he even agree to this?”
“I’m worried about you, Jared,” Sandy tells him, in the middle of checking this list. “You’re…I don’t know. You sound desperate. What’s this gonna prove?”
“Thanks for noticing,” he sighs. “I’m just…grabbing at straws, here. I didn’t expect this to end this way when I got into bed with him, y’know? How do I work with him professionally knowing that he thinks when I’m looking at him that I’m thinking about his porn career?”
“Good question,” she sighs. “I’m pretty sure he didn’t, you know, intend for it to go on for this long.”
“Well, yeah. But that’s irrelevant. We fucked and now he seems so far away. Like…he couldn’t believe I wasn’t asking him to be Max.”
“I know. But maybe you just need to find another way to convince him, Jared,” She says. “I wish I could help you more.”
“You’ve helped plenty,” Jared says, and there’s no venom in his voice, only truth. “I just…I have an idea as to how this is going to end, and it’s hard for me to believe that it’s come down to this.”
“I’m sorry.” Sandy coos, warm like a hug. “At least you got a box of porn out of it, right? That’s a lot of Frisbees for your dogs.”
“Yeah,” Jared says. “I think I got a plan, though. Although I know I’m going to be watching a lot more porn because of it.”
“What does that mean?” Sandy asks.
“It’s hard to explain.”
Jared’s not desperate, he realizes as the weeks go on, it’s just that there’s something so raw inside him over the jagged ending to the best few months Jared’s ever had in a relationship. He wonders if Jensen’s ever going to realize how insane he can drive Jared with just the right look, a grin or smirk or wide stance. There’s a comfort to being able to live in someone’s back pocket until you feel like you’re one with them, and while it would have been hard to figure out a way to adapt to not having Jensen at his side anyway during the summer, it’s even harder given the fact that Jensen’s not even acknowledging the fact that Jared’s head over heels for him.
“Fuck,” Jared says under his breath.
“Just deal, sweetheart,” Sandy comments back, and presses the tickets into the hand of an usher who leads them to their seats.
That’s all Jared can do at this point, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel like surrendering to circumstance.
Later, after the cast party for A Few Good Men, Jared shows up at the door of Jensen’s hotel room, knocking quickly. He feels like this is the biggest chance he’s ever taken, with anything.
“Jared,” Jensen says, softly. He steps aside and lets Jared inside. Jared scratches his head a bit, and keeps silent until the door’s closed.
“I know I’m the last person you want to see, Jen.”
“Not the last, I’d say,” Jensen comments.
“Well, you did good, like you were meant for this. I wanted to see you before I left. Wanted to tell you that I love you, doesn’t really feel right without you around,” He looks down at his shoes, and he can’t tell where the act of this is ending and the genuine awkwardness begins.
The silence hangs dense between them, accented by the Television’s background noise. They’re close, but the air between them doesn’t feel intimate the way it should.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen says. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you. I didn’t think that…I don’t want it to be this way, but I know I kind of put us here.”
Jared licks his lips, waiting for Jensen to play into his hands, “Yes, you did.”
“And look, Jared I really like you. It’s ridiculous how hot you are and you’re good in bed and I respect you as an actor but I really don’t think this will work out between us if we keep doing this. I’m sorry for doing everything, for starting everything, but I’m seriously not happy with what I’ve done. I’ve teased you and ruined our working relationship and I’ll understand if you never want to even look at me again, with all the shit I’ve done to you. It was…it was just a bad idea, okay? I didn’t expect to bring up so much, and when I was playing Max, all my boyfriends only wanted me for him, so it’s hard not to expect that you’d want me in the same way,” Jensen sighs.
Jared makes a noncommittal noise, sticking his hands in his front pockets.
Jensen continues, “I’m sorry for everything I did to you. It’s not fair, and I just wanted you to know, before we started dating and Sandy brought it up and it would get, you know, weird. I never should have done it, because I can’t help but worry that this will ruin everything we ever had between us, and I don’t want that to happen on account of me. I’d rather we be friends than have you just see me for that. I hope, you know, that we can still be friends, Jay.”
That’s all the proof Jared needs that he’s doing the right thing. Jared pulls Jensen to him, yanking the DVD from his pocket with his other hand and throwing it to the bed. A quick gasp, and Jared slides his tongue onto Jensen’s lips, a quick tease before Jensen’s mouth opens the rest of the way and Jared can kiss him fully, passionately. Jensen tries to break away to look at what Jared’s left behind, but Jared’s voice lowers to a scandalous tone.
“I’ll see you in Canada, Jensen,” Jared whispers in Jensen’s ear like it’s a plan for mutiny, feather soft yet full of determination, promise. Before Jensen can even say anything, Jared’s across the room and opening the door.
Jared’s hand curls into a fist, knowing that this is the way things have to play out, that persuading Jensen with his body right now will accomplish nothing. His nails sink into the flesh of his palm, and his throat feels dry.
He sees Jensen sit on the bed, looking at the factory sealed copy of ‘Assring Brothers Present: Two-hole Circus’ in his hands.
Jared closes the door behind him, and hopes he’s doing the right thing.
Epilogue