Thinking about you...
Yeah, it's been almost three months. Hard to believe...Every time I see that damn truck, tho, I think of you. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
On the bad, was the part where you wouldn't stay involved with the kids. I suspect it had a lot to do with the fact that you were jealous of the attention I shifted from you to the kids. (It was just you and me for 8 years, before Colleen arrived.) I tried to assure you, that it was the same, just different, until they were on their own, but you just didn't understand and wouldn't listen. If you had just had the patience to hold on another couple of years, we could have taken the time to fall in-love all over again; but, no amount of nagging, talking, hand-holding ever changed your mind. And, behind everything, was how you always had this feeling that you were never good enough to deserve the good things in life. Even though you were good at whatever you did, you always thought you weren't; that you had to be better, and, therefore, never satisfied with anything or anyone. This "obsession" spilled over to your kids, Steven, and now they have to deal with it. They are both obsessed with not failing, so much so, that they both go to the opposite extremes to avoid it - in this, they are very much alike. {I wonder if I'm the only one that noticed that.) Just like the kids, you never accepted your gifts, only what you perceived as weaknesses, and so if you didn't succeed beyond everyone else, you took that for failure; and, so, you failed. I just hope the kids learn to "let go" of what could be, and learn to accept what and who they are. They are great kids...yes, still in need of guidance and direction, but good, thoughtful, caring, and intelligent, nonetheless. I'm very proud of them no matter what choices they make, and what path they choose in life. I just hope they don't waste their time complaining and worrying about "what could have been" like you did, and never give up on their dreams, because of their self-doubts.
On the good side, I was remembering that time we went on vacation to Newberry State Park. We borrowed Mike & Julie's tent, and had just bought the boat and our new Chevy Cavalier! So, it would have been around 1985...Newberry State Park was right on Muscolunge Lake (I know I'm spelling it wrong, but too bad). Remember, you insisted that we didn't need to make an advanced reservation, because it would be in the UP where no one goes...we got to the park, and they did not have any lot left! All I could do was look at you with a stunned look, and then, luckily, some campers just came in to say they had to leave early because of an emergency - so we got their lot! And, what a lot! It was on a corner of land, so that when we woke up in the morning, there was a beautiful view of the lake, with the sun glinting off the water! And, our boat was right there within easy walking distance. And, what fishing! We had a blast! I caught my first Pike! Hell's bells that puppy had teeth! I would not touch it - flat out refused - and when you said you wouldn't take it off my line, to force me to, I just let it drag behind the boat - cause there was no god-damn way I was touching that fucker! Later on, after driving around, I also believe that's when I got that picture of you pissing into the bushes, on the side of the road...you had to go soooo bad you were holding yourself! I was laughing sooo hard! Good times, good times. But, the time you liked best, was teaching me to drive the boat...I begged you all week to let me drive, and you would here and there, probably because you had no patience to teach me anything. Phff...Well, I nagged and nagged, and you let me drive it to the dock as we were packing up to leave. I was going in a figure-eight pattern waiting for you to get the car & trailer, and was having a great time. Then you backed up the trailer, and waved me in. So, I carefully slowed down the boat and tried to drift in, but the waves were a little choppy so I kept drifting away from the dock...so I revved the engine just enough and turned it off, scrambled to the front of the boat and made a lunge-grab for the dock - and hung suspended, with hands on dock and feet barely in the boat, trying to swing that bad boy around, and yelling for help from you! I kept yelling, but you were not coming to help! When I could finally manage to look around, after struggling to keep the boat against the dock, all I could see were your legs kicking in the air, sticking out the driver's side of the car! You were laughing sooooo hard you were crying with laughter! As you finally calmed down, you told me how I reminded you of Daffy Duck!! Yeah, we both had a great time and laughed quite a bit...
Enough reminiscing...Talk to you later!
Kim
On the bad, was the part where you wouldn't stay involved with the kids. I suspect it had a lot to do with the fact that you were jealous of the attention I shifted from you to the kids. (It was just you and me for 8 years, before Colleen arrived.) I tried to assure you, that it was the same, just different, until they were on their own, but you just didn't understand and wouldn't listen. If you had just had the patience to hold on another couple of years, we could have taken the time to fall in-love all over again; but, no amount of nagging, talking, hand-holding ever changed your mind. And, behind everything, was how you always had this feeling that you were never good enough to deserve the good things in life. Even though you were good at whatever you did, you always thought you weren't; that you had to be better, and, therefore, never satisfied with anything or anyone. This "obsession" spilled over to your kids, Steven, and now they have to deal with it. They are both obsessed with not failing, so much so, that they both go to the opposite extremes to avoid it - in this, they are very much alike. {I wonder if I'm the only one that noticed that.) Just like the kids, you never accepted your gifts, only what you perceived as weaknesses, and so if you didn't succeed beyond everyone else, you took that for failure; and, so, you failed. I just hope the kids learn to "let go" of what could be, and learn to accept what and who they are. They are great kids...yes, still in need of guidance and direction, but good, thoughtful, caring, and intelligent, nonetheless. I'm very proud of them no matter what choices they make, and what path they choose in life. I just hope they don't waste their time complaining and worrying about "what could have been" like you did, and never give up on their dreams, because of their self-doubts.
On the good side, I was remembering that time we went on vacation to Newberry State Park. We borrowed Mike & Julie's tent, and had just bought the boat and our new Chevy Cavalier! So, it would have been around 1985...Newberry State Park was right on Muscolunge Lake (I know I'm spelling it wrong, but too bad). Remember, you insisted that we didn't need to make an advanced reservation, because it would be in the UP where no one goes...we got to the park, and they did not have any lot left! All I could do was look at you with a stunned look, and then, luckily, some campers just came in to say they had to leave early because of an emergency - so we got their lot! And, what a lot! It was on a corner of land, so that when we woke up in the morning, there was a beautiful view of the lake, with the sun glinting off the water! And, our boat was right there within easy walking distance. And, what fishing! We had a blast! I caught my first Pike! Hell's bells that puppy had teeth! I would not touch it - flat out refused - and when you said you wouldn't take it off my line, to force me to, I just let it drag behind the boat - cause there was no god-damn way I was touching that fucker! Later on, after driving around, I also believe that's when I got that picture of you pissing into the bushes, on the side of the road...you had to go soooo bad you were holding yourself! I was laughing sooo hard! Good times, good times. But, the time you liked best, was teaching me to drive the boat...I begged you all week to let me drive, and you would here and there, probably because you had no patience to teach me anything. Phff...Well, I nagged and nagged, and you let me drive it to the dock as we were packing up to leave. I was going in a figure-eight pattern waiting for you to get the car & trailer, and was having a great time. Then you backed up the trailer, and waved me in. So, I carefully slowed down the boat and tried to drift in, but the waves were a little choppy so I kept drifting away from the dock...so I revved the engine just enough and turned it off, scrambled to the front of the boat and made a lunge-grab for the dock - and hung suspended, with hands on dock and feet barely in the boat, trying to swing that bad boy around, and yelling for help from you! I kept yelling, but you were not coming to help! When I could finally manage to look around, after struggling to keep the boat against the dock, all I could see were your legs kicking in the air, sticking out the driver's side of the car! You were laughing sooooo hard you were crying with laughter! As you finally calmed down, you told me how I reminded you of Daffy Duck!! Yeah, we both had a great time and laughed quite a bit...
Enough reminiscing...Talk to you later!
Kim