Diving For Hearts (1/1)
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Pairing: Izzie/Addison
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2361
Spoilers: Late season five.
Summary: AU. An alternate version of "Elevator Love Letter," 5x19. Izzie's two hours away from her brain surgery, but her future is about to change.
There's one person that should be here.
One person that Izzie would give anything to see.
But the room's empty, her friends are still off doing doctorly things, and she's left here alone, knitting a green scarf for no one. Bailey's already come in four times in the last three hours and Izzie knows it isn't because the attending wants to check on her knitting progress.
She knew that this day was going to be hard, that all of them are going to be hard from this point on, because fighting cancer isn't just something you can do in one day. But having her here... having Addison here would make it all so much easier.
She stops momentarily, giving into the dark thoughts that she hasn't wondered about in so long.
If Addison were here, everything would be somewhat okay. It wouldn't matter that Dr. Shepherd is about to cut into her brain in two hours. It wouldn't matter that her friends can't seem to bear to look at her anymore. It wouldn't matter that she kind of wants to give in, because if Addison were here, she wouldn't ever want to give in.
But Addison's not here. Addison got on a plane to L.A. a year ago and swiftly moved on with her life. Even though she'd been back a couple of times, Izzie had taken care to avoid Addison every time the redhead stepped foot in Seattle Grace. She couldn't handle seeing Addison and not begging her to stay. The last time she had begged Addison to stay had left a big enough scar as it is.
That night had been a horrible one. She still gets a sinking feeling in her stomach every time she thinks about it.
She had heard from Meredith that Addison was leaving, that she was actually getting on the plane the next day. So she went to the hotel room that had been her safe haven of late, knocked on the door with butterflies in her stomach. The shocked eyes that met her when the door opened told her that Addison had no intentions of saying goodbye to her before she left.
Izzie had rambled on about her feelings, told Addison that things between them weren't just sex, that Izzie really might be falling in love with her, even though Izzie knew that she had fallen in love with Addison so many months ago. But Addison didn't say anything in return.
Instead, the redhead had crashed her lips to Izzie's, yanked off Izzie's shirt, made Izzie moan like she'd never moaned before. And when Izzie woke in the morning, Addison was gone and a note was left on the pillow where her head should've been. Addison had left without even saying a proper goodbye.
Addison had been back to Seattle Grace only a few weeks ago, first because of her brother, then because of a patient of Dr. Shepherd's. Izzie had somehow managed not to run into her, despite the fact that the redhead had been there for a week and a half. But Izzie had seen her, caught glimpses of Addison from a distance. And the feelings that hit her every time she did made it plainly obvious that Alex was not the person she wanted. Or the person she needed.
But once Addison had left again, she tried to put those feelings to the back of her mind. It wasn't hard; she had that other massive problem to deal with. But now that everything's settled, now that she's diagnosed and stuck in a hospital bed, every thought she seems to think has to deal with the one person she knows she's never going to see again.
She wonders if Addison's happy, if the redhead's found the peace she was searching for in Los Angeles. Izzie hopes she has. Because even though she wants to be the one to give Addison that peace, all she really wants is for Addison to be happy. She'd give anything for Addison to be happy.
Dr. Bailey comes in and distracts her with the operation on colon guy. Izzie's beyond thankful that someone is trying to get her mind off of her current state, even if it is with talk about a colon. But Dr. Bailey leaves and she's alone again. Alone with persistent thoughts of Addison.
She silently wishes for the next two hours to pass quickly. Brain surgery sounds more appealing than putting herself through two more hours of this torture.
It was the last thing she expected to hear over her phone at two o'clock in the morning.
News about a patient suddenly having contractions, news about Violet going into labor- even Noah calling wouldn't have been this shocking. But she had heard the shaky voice on the other end of the line giving her details, and before she knew it, she was booking the earliest possible flight to Seattle.
She didn't ask herself why she was doing it until she was already half-way across California. She hadn't seen Izzie in a year, hadn't even spoken to the blonde since she had left for Los Angeles the first time. For all she knew, Izzie could be happily married to someone else by now.
But she shook the thoughts off, knowing that if there was any chance that Izzie needed her through all of this, she would be there for the blonde. And the chances of Izzie being married... Addison knows Izzie better than to believe that the blonde would jump into a marriage like that. Not after all of the things that Izzie had said to her the last time they had been together.
She still didn't fully comprehend why she ran. Because there was this beautiful blonde standing in front of her telling her that Addison was her world, that she'd give anything to make Addison happy. And Addison returned those feelings a thousand-fold. She was in love with Izzie, had been for such a long time, but she got on that plane anyway.
She was scared. Really, really scared. But now she can't really remember why, because nothing's as scary as this situation. When she thinks of all the time she's wasted without Izzie this year, and all of the time they could lose if the worst happens once she gets to Seattle, she almost wants to throw up. It isn't supposed to be this way.
The plane lands, and she quickly finds her way to a taxi, telling the driver to get her to Seattle Grace as quickly as possible. She tries to relax on the long drive into the city, looks out the window at all of the massive trees flying by, trying desperately to talk herself out of the terror she's feeling.
Izzie's surgery is in two hours. And now she's not certain that she should even be here. But she pays the driver, pulls her bag out of the taxi with her and walks through those familiar glass doors. She checks with the volunteer at the front desk, finds out that Izzie's in room 2456 and hesitates.
She has to do what's right for Izzie right now. And seeing an ex-lover right before brain surgery really might not be the best idea. But she gets on the elevator, hits the button for the fifth floor. She taps lightly on the handle of her suitcase as the elevator slowly creeps upward. She can't remember a time when she's ever been so nervous before.
Walking out of the elevator, she quickly pulls herself together. She's here and she's doing this. She's really, really doing this. Because Miranda wouldn't have called her if she didn't think this was the right thing to do.
Room 2456 she tells herself again. Walking down the long hallway, getting closer and closer to where Izzie's laying, she feels her heartbeat racing, feels her hands start shaking. The denial she's been in for the last ten hours is about to be shattered, no matter how hard she wishes it won't be.
She stops right before she reaches the window. She can't do this. She absolutely cannot do this. Because this is crazy. Showing up at an ex-sex partner's bedside two hours before her brain surgery when they haven't even talked for a year is just crazy. But for Addison, it had never really been about the sex.
It had been about Izzie's touch, and watching the blonde sleeping peacefully afterwards. It had been about making Izzie happy, making Izzie smile, making Izzie feel better than she'd ever felt before. It wasn't that Addison wanted to get off, it was that Addison wanted to know every square inch of Izzie's skin, wanted to know everything that made the blonde who she is.
She takes in a deep breath and takes the three steps forward. She looks into the hospital room, all thoughts stopping the moment her eyes fall on the blonde.
Izzie's knitting a green something or other, eyes focused in concentration on her needles. But she's pale, fragile looking, dressed in a hospital gown, heart-melting smile absent from her face.
Addison's sure she's never hurt this much before.
She curses under her breath as she drops a stitch, trying to not remember how it's the third one this row that she's dropped. After knitting a good four feet of scarf in a matter of hours, it really seems like she'd stop dropping stitches by now.
There's a knock on her door but she doesn't look up, only sends out a questioning 'yeah' into the air. When there's no immediate response, she tears her eyes away from her knitting and looks up to the door. Her heart skips two beats and for a moment she's sure she can't breathe.
But Addison smiles at her and everything's nearly perfect again. Izzie can't help but smile back at the redhead, because even though so much time has passed, a smile from Addison still manages to warm her insides. It still makes all of the pain go away.
"Is it okay that I'm here?" Addison asks quietly, motioning to the room surrounding them.
"Yeah." Izzie answers with a slight nod. But she can't let it go at just that. Because the hope that's filling her right now is just too much to bear. Especially if it turns out to be in error. "What are you doing here, Addison?"
"I heard about everything."
"News travels fast, huh?" She says, trying to get that smile back in place on those lips, but fails. "I'm gonna be okay, Addison. Really." The last thing she wants is for the redhead to worry about her. She doesn't want Addison to ever worry about anything again.
"I know... I know you are, I just-" Addison takes in a deep breath, takes two hesitant steps closer, "I had to be here. I had to come see you."
Izzie looks down to her knitting, telling herself internally to stay calm. There's no way this is working out like she wishes it would, so she needs to stay calm. "That's it, Addison? That's the only reason you're here- to see me?" She looks back up into those clear blue eyes, surprised when a small smile spreads across Addison's face.
"Yeah. I had to see you."
"Why?"
There's a long silent pause, Izzie's eyes locked onto Addison's, the redhead's eyes flickering around the room. Izzie consciously makes herself keep breathing, sure that if she stopped paying attention to the inhale, exhale rhythm that she'd forget to continue.
This is almost too much for her to handle, having Addison so close so suddenly and not even really knowing why she's here. Izzie has so much hope, but she knows she shouldn't have any hope. It's been a year since she's heard from Addison, and even then, the last exchange between them had consisted of Addison rejecting Izzie. She really shouldn't have any hope.
"I love you." Addison's eyes focus on her for the first time in three minutes, a look of determination in them, as she opens her mouth to speak again, "I love you, Isobel Stevens. I can't let you go through this without knowing that I'm here, on your side, through everything that you need me for. As a friend, I'm here. And if there's any chance that you want something more, I'm here for that, too. I love you so much. And I'm sorry that it took this horrible thing to get me to say it, but this is all I can give you now."
Izzie opens her mouth to repeat those three words back to Addison, but when the redhead holds up her hand, she stops. She watches as Addison comes closer, takes Izzie's hand in her own and gives it a squeeze. Blue eyes meet brown ones again and Addison adds, "you're gonna be okay, Izzie. You're gonna get through this. I'm gonna make sure of it."
"I love you, too."
A smile quickly finds its way across Addison's face, a newfound happiness in her eyes. Izzie feels the grip on her hand tighten. Addison whispers, "I'm never gonna leave you ever again," then crashes her lips to the blonde's, releasing all of the feelings they have for one another into the kiss.
A few long moments later, Addison pulls back, resting her forehead against Izzie's, her lungs aching for oxygen. She strokes the blonde's cheek tenderly, thankful for the ability to touch Izzie once again, thankful for the opportunity to show Izzie how much the blonde really means to her. She silently vows to never take one moment with Izzie for granted ever again.
Izzie lets out a sigh, green scarf and impending brain surgery almost completely forgotten. She knows the future's going to be difficult, first the surgery then later chemo, maybe even radiation. It's going to be a new kind of hell that she's never experienced before. But Addison will be there through it all. She'll have Addison there to talk to and lean on. Most importantly, she'll have Addison there to love.
Giving Addison's hand a squeeze, she silently promises the redhead that she'll never stop fighting for their future together.
Pairing: Izzie/Addison
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2361
Spoilers: Late season five.
Summary: AU. An alternate version of "Elevator Love Letter," 5x19. Izzie's two hours away from her brain surgery, but her future is about to change.
There's one person that should be here.
One person that Izzie would give anything to see.
But the room's empty, her friends are still off doing doctorly things, and she's left here alone, knitting a green scarf for no one. Bailey's already come in four times in the last three hours and Izzie knows it isn't because the attending wants to check on her knitting progress.
She knew that this day was going to be hard, that all of them are going to be hard from this point on, because fighting cancer isn't just something you can do in one day. But having her here... having Addison here would make it all so much easier.
She stops momentarily, giving into the dark thoughts that she hasn't wondered about in so long.
If Addison were here, everything would be somewhat okay. It wouldn't matter that Dr. Shepherd is about to cut into her brain in two hours. It wouldn't matter that her friends can't seem to bear to look at her anymore. It wouldn't matter that she kind of wants to give in, because if Addison were here, she wouldn't ever want to give in.
But Addison's not here. Addison got on a plane to L.A. a year ago and swiftly moved on with her life. Even though she'd been back a couple of times, Izzie had taken care to avoid Addison every time the redhead stepped foot in Seattle Grace. She couldn't handle seeing Addison and not begging her to stay. The last time she had begged Addison to stay had left a big enough scar as it is.
That night had been a horrible one. She still gets a sinking feeling in her stomach every time she thinks about it.
She had heard from Meredith that Addison was leaving, that she was actually getting on the plane the next day. So she went to the hotel room that had been her safe haven of late, knocked on the door with butterflies in her stomach. The shocked eyes that met her when the door opened told her that Addison had no intentions of saying goodbye to her before she left.
Izzie had rambled on about her feelings, told Addison that things between them weren't just sex, that Izzie really might be falling in love with her, even though Izzie knew that she had fallen in love with Addison so many months ago. But Addison didn't say anything in return.
Instead, the redhead had crashed her lips to Izzie's, yanked off Izzie's shirt, made Izzie moan like she'd never moaned before. And when Izzie woke in the morning, Addison was gone and a note was left on the pillow where her head should've been. Addison had left without even saying a proper goodbye.
Addison had been back to Seattle Grace only a few weeks ago, first because of her brother, then because of a patient of Dr. Shepherd's. Izzie had somehow managed not to run into her, despite the fact that the redhead had been there for a week and a half. But Izzie had seen her, caught glimpses of Addison from a distance. And the feelings that hit her every time she did made it plainly obvious that Alex was not the person she wanted. Or the person she needed.
But once Addison had left again, she tried to put those feelings to the back of her mind. It wasn't hard; she had that other massive problem to deal with. But now that everything's settled, now that she's diagnosed and stuck in a hospital bed, every thought she seems to think has to deal with the one person she knows she's never going to see again.
She wonders if Addison's happy, if the redhead's found the peace she was searching for in Los Angeles. Izzie hopes she has. Because even though she wants to be the one to give Addison that peace, all she really wants is for Addison to be happy. She'd give anything for Addison to be happy.
Dr. Bailey comes in and distracts her with the operation on colon guy. Izzie's beyond thankful that someone is trying to get her mind off of her current state, even if it is with talk about a colon. But Dr. Bailey leaves and she's alone again. Alone with persistent thoughts of Addison.
She silently wishes for the next two hours to pass quickly. Brain surgery sounds more appealing than putting herself through two more hours of this torture.
It was the last thing she expected to hear over her phone at two o'clock in the morning.
News about a patient suddenly having contractions, news about Violet going into labor- even Noah calling wouldn't have been this shocking. But she had heard the shaky voice on the other end of the line giving her details, and before she knew it, she was booking the earliest possible flight to Seattle.
She didn't ask herself why she was doing it until she was already half-way across California. She hadn't seen Izzie in a year, hadn't even spoken to the blonde since she had left for Los Angeles the first time. For all she knew, Izzie could be happily married to someone else by now.
But she shook the thoughts off, knowing that if there was any chance that Izzie needed her through all of this, she would be there for the blonde. And the chances of Izzie being married... Addison knows Izzie better than to believe that the blonde would jump into a marriage like that. Not after all of the things that Izzie had said to her the last time they had been together.
She still didn't fully comprehend why she ran. Because there was this beautiful blonde standing in front of her telling her that Addison was her world, that she'd give anything to make Addison happy. And Addison returned those feelings a thousand-fold. She was in love with Izzie, had been for such a long time, but she got on that plane anyway.
She was scared. Really, really scared. But now she can't really remember why, because nothing's as scary as this situation. When she thinks of all the time she's wasted without Izzie this year, and all of the time they could lose if the worst happens once she gets to Seattle, she almost wants to throw up. It isn't supposed to be this way.
The plane lands, and she quickly finds her way to a taxi, telling the driver to get her to Seattle Grace as quickly as possible. She tries to relax on the long drive into the city, looks out the window at all of the massive trees flying by, trying desperately to talk herself out of the terror she's feeling.
Izzie's surgery is in two hours. And now she's not certain that she should even be here. But she pays the driver, pulls her bag out of the taxi with her and walks through those familiar glass doors. She checks with the volunteer at the front desk, finds out that Izzie's in room 2456 and hesitates.
She has to do what's right for Izzie right now. And seeing an ex-lover right before brain surgery really might not be the best idea. But she gets on the elevator, hits the button for the fifth floor. She taps lightly on the handle of her suitcase as the elevator slowly creeps upward. She can't remember a time when she's ever been so nervous before.
Walking out of the elevator, she quickly pulls herself together. She's here and she's doing this. She's really, really doing this. Because Miranda wouldn't have called her if she didn't think this was the right thing to do.
Room 2456 she tells herself again. Walking down the long hallway, getting closer and closer to where Izzie's laying, she feels her heartbeat racing, feels her hands start shaking. The denial she's been in for the last ten hours is about to be shattered, no matter how hard she wishes it won't be.
She stops right before she reaches the window. She can't do this. She absolutely cannot do this. Because this is crazy. Showing up at an ex-sex partner's bedside two hours before her brain surgery when they haven't even talked for a year is just crazy. But for Addison, it had never really been about the sex.
It had been about Izzie's touch, and watching the blonde sleeping peacefully afterwards. It had been about making Izzie happy, making Izzie smile, making Izzie feel better than she'd ever felt before. It wasn't that Addison wanted to get off, it was that Addison wanted to know every square inch of Izzie's skin, wanted to know everything that made the blonde who she is.
She takes in a deep breath and takes the three steps forward. She looks into the hospital room, all thoughts stopping the moment her eyes fall on the blonde.
Izzie's knitting a green something or other, eyes focused in concentration on her needles. But she's pale, fragile looking, dressed in a hospital gown, heart-melting smile absent from her face.
Addison's sure she's never hurt this much before.
She curses under her breath as she drops a stitch, trying to not remember how it's the third one this row that she's dropped. After knitting a good four feet of scarf in a matter of hours, it really seems like she'd stop dropping stitches by now.
There's a knock on her door but she doesn't look up, only sends out a questioning 'yeah' into the air. When there's no immediate response, she tears her eyes away from her knitting and looks up to the door. Her heart skips two beats and for a moment she's sure she can't breathe.
But Addison smiles at her and everything's nearly perfect again. Izzie can't help but smile back at the redhead, because even though so much time has passed, a smile from Addison still manages to warm her insides. It still makes all of the pain go away.
"Is it okay that I'm here?" Addison asks quietly, motioning to the room surrounding them.
"Yeah." Izzie answers with a slight nod. But she can't let it go at just that. Because the hope that's filling her right now is just too much to bear. Especially if it turns out to be in error. "What are you doing here, Addison?"
"I heard about everything."
"News travels fast, huh?" She says, trying to get that smile back in place on those lips, but fails. "I'm gonna be okay, Addison. Really." The last thing she wants is for the redhead to worry about her. She doesn't want Addison to ever worry about anything again.
"I know... I know you are, I just-" Addison takes in a deep breath, takes two hesitant steps closer, "I had to be here. I had to come see you."
Izzie looks down to her knitting, telling herself internally to stay calm. There's no way this is working out like she wishes it would, so she needs to stay calm. "That's it, Addison? That's the only reason you're here- to see me?" She looks back up into those clear blue eyes, surprised when a small smile spreads across Addison's face.
"Yeah. I had to see you."
"Why?"
There's a long silent pause, Izzie's eyes locked onto Addison's, the redhead's eyes flickering around the room. Izzie consciously makes herself keep breathing, sure that if she stopped paying attention to the inhale, exhale rhythm that she'd forget to continue.
This is almost too much for her to handle, having Addison so close so suddenly and not even really knowing why she's here. Izzie has so much hope, but she knows she shouldn't have any hope. It's been a year since she's heard from Addison, and even then, the last exchange between them had consisted of Addison rejecting Izzie. She really shouldn't have any hope.
"I love you." Addison's eyes focus on her for the first time in three minutes, a look of determination in them, as she opens her mouth to speak again, "I love you, Isobel Stevens. I can't let you go through this without knowing that I'm here, on your side, through everything that you need me for. As a friend, I'm here. And if there's any chance that you want something more, I'm here for that, too. I love you so much. And I'm sorry that it took this horrible thing to get me to say it, but this is all I can give you now."
Izzie opens her mouth to repeat those three words back to Addison, but when the redhead holds up her hand, she stops. She watches as Addison comes closer, takes Izzie's hand in her own and gives it a squeeze. Blue eyes meet brown ones again and Addison adds, "you're gonna be okay, Izzie. You're gonna get through this. I'm gonna make sure of it."
"I love you, too."
A smile quickly finds its way across Addison's face, a newfound happiness in her eyes. Izzie feels the grip on her hand tighten. Addison whispers, "I'm never gonna leave you ever again," then crashes her lips to the blonde's, releasing all of the feelings they have for one another into the kiss.
A few long moments later, Addison pulls back, resting her forehead against Izzie's, her lungs aching for oxygen. She strokes the blonde's cheek tenderly, thankful for the ability to touch Izzie once again, thankful for the opportunity to show Izzie how much the blonde really means to her. She silently vows to never take one moment with Izzie for granted ever again.
Izzie lets out a sigh, green scarf and impending brain surgery almost completely forgotten. She knows the future's going to be difficult, first the surgery then later chemo, maybe even radiation. It's going to be a new kind of hell that she's never experienced before. But Addison will be there through it all. She'll have Addison there to talk to and lean on. Most importantly, she'll have Addison there to love.
Giving Addison's hand a squeeze, she silently promises the redhead that she'll never stop fighting for their future together.