(no subject)
today i am awake super early.
'cause i planned on taking a "power nap" at around six yesterday
and instead of waking up 20 minutes later, as expected,
i slept like a baby for several hours. which was quite delicious.
until alexander woke me up with nonstop calls around one.
he's back from new york, right as roxy leaves for boston.
and jen? where's jen going? nowhere.
as in she's staying here, if you catch my drift.
crazy.
but i like waking up early,
or in this case ..staying up until morning?
and then making coffee, and dousing it with sugar.
oh and this great hazelnut flavored cream stuff.
/i can't drink regular black coffee like grown ups do.
but anyways,
i had this random inspiration to start typing
so i figured i might as well here.
you know when you watch a movie
and it feels like you can very much relate to
the character, or the storyline, and it just clicks?
and all of the sudden things start to make more sense
and this is all from a two hour blockbuster, or whatnot.
WELL i was watching "someone like you"
sometime in the middle of the night, and that happened.
[i've had that movie for years now, since christine
bought it on one of those "3 for $20" movie sales
and i think i watched it a while ago, but out of nowhere
i saw it on my shelf and decided to watch it again.]
and i feel like i had a revelation.
okay, so i'm all hung up over this boy,
this boy who used to be someone i deeply cared about
this boy who i used to love? i suppose you could say.
and this boy was that boy to me.
for the time being, he was "that boy".
but now i'm moping about a boy
who isn't even that boy anymore.
does this make any sense, whatsoever?
the boy isn't that boy.
I MEAN the boy isn't that boy for me, no longer.
he might be the same person, perhaps,
but he's just not the same he was to me.
because he can't be, anymore.
so i'm sitting here thinking i'm missing out on a boy
who simply just doesn't exist right now.
it's like as if i've created this image of him
[..out of who he used to be to me]
and i'm expecting him to continue filling it
not to say he never was that boy, because
the thing is that he was at one point
he just isn't anymore. and i have to realize that
who that boy was to me isn't the same as the boy now.
and i'm probably repeating the same thing over
in as many different ways i can, or so it feels.
but i don't know how else to explain this.
basically
i need to move on.
oh and stop living in the past, that too.
because there's no point wishing things
could just go back to how they used to be
or hoping i can have something that's no longer there.
i just have to accept it and go on, come what may.
and for once
i don't feel pathetic about
admitting that i've been such a mess over this guy
'cause it feels so damn good to start getting past it
and you know what?
i might not get ashley judd's perfect ending just yet
but at least i can look forward to it, right? RIGHT.
okay now that that's out of my system
i have loads of summer work to finish,
and only two weeks of summer left?
oh and i have a job! that too.
applied card systems- customer service representative.
as in "hi thank you for calling customer service, this is jennifer speaking"
but i actually kind of like it, ahah.
i get to talk to all sorts of pissed off people
which is always quite the ideal job.
i like people, though. so it's not too bad.
and i think i know what i want to do when i grow up
..a child therapist? might not be so journalistic,
but it sounds ideal enough to me.
who knows, though.
i might get another um, revelation? later on
about what kind of future i'm supposed to pursue.
or so i can hope, anyway.