(no subject)
Okay here's the deal. I haven't been completely honest with you before. Despite what you may have read in my previous entries, I'm not a teenaged aspiring actress.
I'm actually a giant mutant turkey with plans of world domination. But unfortunately for my operation, the rebels are closing in and my troop might not make it through the night. This entry will serve as my confession if i don't make it out alive.
My story started, like the story of many an american hero, at the meat processing plant. I was in a pen with several other members of the poultry family. Due to my under-developed brain capacity, I did not realize the severity of the situation. Though I am still fuzzy on the details, there was a accident with a new experimental seasoning. Some of the chemicals reacted unfavorably with the oregano, and there was a large explosion. The radiation from the explosion killed most of the animals in the vicinity.
I, however, survived. I found myself possessing a kind of supernatural strength, if you will. I also had an advanced intelligence that allowed me to solve large trigonometry problems within .000672 of a second without the aid of a scientific calculator. I won't even bother to demonstrate my skills with geometric proofs.
With my newfound intelligence i managed to escape the meat proccessing plant with the aid of some crude tools that i crafted out of a coat hanger and a container of shortening. I found myself a home with a very nice family after posing as a Japanese exchange student where i attended school and got my master's degree in Sociology.
During my studies i took time to observe the world leaders of this planet called earth. To sum it up, i found them unsatisfactory. So like any other potential business turkey, i decided to take matters into my own.... well.... wings.
I formulated a plan. A simple plan, though it may seem complicated to you because, let's face it, most of you lack the critical thinking and problem solving skills of one such mutated turkey.
Working tirelessly in my laboratory, i created a mixture of caraway seeds, malt liquor, White Castle hamburgers and another ingredient which i don't care to mention as i have said too much already. What does this solution do, you may ask? Well, when the correct amount is injected directly into the neck of a whole Perdue chicken, it gives off a certain level of gas along with the steam as the chicken is cooked. After exposure to this gas, the human mind slips into a state similar to the effect of a halucenogen such as marijuana or LSD. That is when the small computer chip located inside that one part of the chicken that nobody EVER seems to eat (come on you know what im talking about) begins to play my message.
It's something to the effect of "Follow the turkey", but i won't bore you with the details. After several nights of this treatment, i had planned to switch my message to tell the people to watch Public Access channel 38 on a certain night, when i would be on that channel with my own program. (small set, a few folding chairs nothing big) I would preach my message throughout the world!
However, there was one flaw in my plan that i had yet to recognize until it was too late.
Vegetarians.
They didn't eat my special chickens, and thus were unaffected by my brainwashing methods. In fact, this was the very night that i was to broadcast my message to the people. Instead, i am huddled underneath my desk in my small bunker, longing for the day when i shall rise to rule the world.
I can hear those veggie freaks tearing up my home looking for me.
HA! Let them look! They'll never find the secret entrance to my hideaway! Why would they think to look in the..... vegetable....bin....
Oh no.
I'm actually a giant mutant turkey with plans of world domination. But unfortunately for my operation, the rebels are closing in and my troop might not make it through the night. This entry will serve as my confession if i don't make it out alive.
My story started, like the story of many an american hero, at the meat processing plant. I was in a pen with several other members of the poultry family. Due to my under-developed brain capacity, I did not realize the severity of the situation. Though I am still fuzzy on the details, there was a accident with a new experimental seasoning. Some of the chemicals reacted unfavorably with the oregano, and there was a large explosion. The radiation from the explosion killed most of the animals in the vicinity.
I, however, survived. I found myself possessing a kind of supernatural strength, if you will. I also had an advanced intelligence that allowed me to solve large trigonometry problems within .000672 of a second without the aid of a scientific calculator. I won't even bother to demonstrate my skills with geometric proofs.
With my newfound intelligence i managed to escape the meat proccessing plant with the aid of some crude tools that i crafted out of a coat hanger and a container of shortening. I found myself a home with a very nice family after posing as a Japanese exchange student where i attended school and got my master's degree in Sociology.
During my studies i took time to observe the world leaders of this planet called earth. To sum it up, i found them unsatisfactory. So like any other potential business turkey, i decided to take matters into my own.... well.... wings.
I formulated a plan. A simple plan, though it may seem complicated to you because, let's face it, most of you lack the critical thinking and problem solving skills of one such mutated turkey.
Working tirelessly in my laboratory, i created a mixture of caraway seeds, malt liquor, White Castle hamburgers and another ingredient which i don't care to mention as i have said too much already. What does this solution do, you may ask? Well, when the correct amount is injected directly into the neck of a whole Perdue chicken, it gives off a certain level of gas along with the steam as the chicken is cooked. After exposure to this gas, the human mind slips into a state similar to the effect of a halucenogen such as marijuana or LSD. That is when the small computer chip located inside that one part of the chicken that nobody EVER seems to eat (come on you know what im talking about) begins to play my message.
It's something to the effect of "Follow the turkey", but i won't bore you with the details. After several nights of this treatment, i had planned to switch my message to tell the people to watch Public Access channel 38 on a certain night, when i would be on that channel with my own program. (small set, a few folding chairs nothing big) I would preach my message throughout the world!
However, there was one flaw in my plan that i had yet to recognize until it was too late.
Vegetarians.
They didn't eat my special chickens, and thus were unaffected by my brainwashing methods. In fact, this was the very night that i was to broadcast my message to the people. Instead, i am huddled underneath my desk in my small bunker, longing for the day when i shall rise to rule the world.
I can hear those veggie freaks tearing up my home looking for me.
HA! Let them look! They'll never find the secret entrance to my hideaway! Why would they think to look in the..... vegetable....bin....
Oh no.