Those days
Everyone, everyone has those days. Those days when they feel…weird, and different; different not as in unique but as in strange. Those days when you don’t feel like yourself. Those days when you realize that there’s a stranger, a someone you can never recognize, in you.
Those days can come along with the rain when the sky is gray and the wind is chilly and the air is stiff and somehow you feel adrift and lost and then all of a sudden you feel like crying.
Those days can come when opened in front of your eyes is one of the most beautiful views of the day, a setting sun, and all you can think about is being left behind because it suddenly hits you with something like remorse and the thought of ‘the end’.
Those days can come during a warm spring day when you’re strolling down the street filled with couples, all by yourself; or during a hot summer day when you’re walking down the empty school’s isle because at the time everyone has already gone on vacation and you are the only one still stuck there.
Those days can come during a cool autumn night when you decide to take a walk to the nearby park and the lone moon in the sky somehow reflects your lonely self; or during a cold cold winter night when everyone’s in the warm embrace of their families and love ones sipping their hot chocolate and you’re here on the street wishing for a miracle to happen under the big Christmas tree.
Those days can come during anytime of the day, anytime of the year. Any day…
…And so I have my those days, too.
In my those days, I wanna try and do everything, clean the house inside out and check and rearrange all the discs and wash all the dishes and read all the books and fan letters and plays all the games and shuffles through all the channels available.
In my those days, I wanna run to my mom’s restaurant to help her around, doing this and that; or help out in our neighborhood, running errands here and there.
In my those days, I wanna dance and sing till my body gives out and my voice is hoarse and it hurts, it hurts so so much everywhere.
In my those days, I wanna drown myself with work and tire myself out till my body is all worn and my mind is blank and is too numb to muster up a thing.
Because in my those days, I feel confused and lost. And dull and hollow.
Because in my those days, I feel scared, so scared because it feels like I’m falling, fast, and there’s nobody there to hold me back or to catch my fall.
Because in my those days, I feel so empty and it feels like my existence is meaningless because I’m a nobody and everyone’s still doing fine and living and smiling and laughing and…everything, without me.
My those days…
My those days are when I think about you and me.
My those days are when I think about the day when all the impossibles become possible and the everlasting ‘us’ that you always promise will shatter into pieces.
My those days are when I think about a future, a cruel future where you and I are no longer in the same picture and I’m left behind on this road of life…without you.
You always tell me to believe in you because you’re the almighty leader and you’re strong and you’re always there for me and you’ll never let me fall or let me get hurt and you’ll never let go of me and you’ll never leave me behind.
You always tell me to believe in our love, to believe in ‘us’ because even if nothing can be forever, our love and our ‘us’ can still be, and you’ll do anything to make that happen. Anything.
And even though I try, I try my very best every single day to pray and to believe, to believe in your words and our love and our ‘us’ and you, but I’m weak. I’m not as strong and carefree as everyone sees me, you know. And when you’re not here with me, when you’re so far far away and out of my reach, when I’m left to face the troubles and the uncertainties and the pressure of being an idol, I can’t help but be afraid, afraid of the ‘what if’.
What if one day you decide to leave me because the pressure of being together is too much even for an almighty leader like you?
What if one day everyone find out about our ‘us’ and decide that it’s way so wrong and that it should just end there because it will be better for everyone, for you and me?
What if one day all the girlfriend jokes become real and instead of our ‘us’, you’ll be confirmed dating some girl that maybe I don’t even know?
What if, Doojoon-ah, what if?
I know I’m stupid and crazy and oversensitive and foolish to think about such things, Doojoon-ah, but I can’t help, I can’t. I’m so weak so I can’t help but be afraid, afraid of things that haven’t even happened yet…
I love you so much that it hurts and I love you so much that I can’t help but be afraid, afraid to lose you, afraid that one day when I wake up, you’re no longer here by my side, that one day you no longer love me and I’m really left alone, trying to find back all the pieces of my broken heart.
And that’s why in my those day, I need you. I need your arms protectively wrapping around me, I need your warm voice telling me “Shh baby don’t cry I’m right here…”, telling that everything will be okay, that our ‘us’ will be forever and you’ll always stay by my side.
I need you, Yoon Doojoon, in my those days.
I need you so that I know I’m still loved, that I still matters to someone else.
I need you to chase away my fears and my uncertainties and my tears.
I need you to protect my fragile heart and make sure I’m not falling.
In my those days, all I need is you, Doojoon-ah…
So please Doojoon-ah, come for me, come for me in my those days…