Heaven's Ablaze - Chapter 12
Title:: Heaven's Ablaze
Genre:: AU Vam Fanfic
Rating:: R
Summary:: His heaven is ablaze in my eyes
Notes:: This story is based on the album Dark Light. All lyrics are taken from that album, and are copyright of Ville Valo. I do not know or own the characters in this story. The storyline itself is property of me and me alone. This story deals with the themes of religion and a degree of pedophilia. If you have a problem with the themes, dont read it.
Links under the cut
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Accident
Chapter 2 - Pot Luck
Chapter 3 - Warmth
Chapter 4 - Joseph on Wheels
Chapter 5 - My First Christmas
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 6 - Beginnings
Chapter 7 - Music
Chapter 8 - Time
Chapter 9 - Unfortunate Meetings of Unfortunate Friends
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 10 - Journies
Chapter 11 - First Crush
Chapter 12 - Contemptible
It was barely 2 weeks later that Bam turned up at my apartment, banging to be let in.
I got up from the meal I’d just served myself and Ben, visiting for dinner - well, dinner… it was pasta with a sauce that you just had to heat but it was good enough for us - and let him in. He was a mess.
“Fucking hell, Bam, what happened?” He just shook his head and sat himself down on the couch, shivering. It was raining outside and he looked like he’d been walking around in it for hours.
“Bam, how long have you been outside?” He shrugged. Ben came out of the kitchen, frowning.
“Is he okay, Ville?” I knelt down in front of Bam and looked at him in the eyes. Or, I tried to; his sopping wet hair was hanging down into his face and all I could smell was the water seeping off of his body and into my sofa. But who cared about sofas?
“I don’t know,” I told Ben, still looking at Bam. “I can’t tell. Bam, c’mon. You alright?” Ben, luckily, was thinking enough to pull Bam to his feet and strip him of his wet clothes and wrap him in towels and blankets. I couldn’t do anything. I was distressed. What was wrong? What had happened? Why had he come to me, of all people? Was he sick? Should I call a doctor? What do I DO?!
Ben went into the kitchen to fix some tea for Bam and I knelt in front of him again, going half crazy myself but trying desperately to keep it together. For him.
“Bam, look, you have to tell me if you’re sick or not, so I can call a doctor or your mom or…”
“I’m not sick,” he said, finally, his teeth chattering.
“Well, there’s a relief. You wanna tell me what’s up?” He shook his head, and looked so forlorn and confused and lost and so un-Bam-like that I almost wanted to shake him out of it. “Look, I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“Jenn,” he stuttered, and shivered again. I stared at him, and then realized what must have happened.
The nightmare waking you up from the dream…
“Oh, god, Bam, I’m sorry kid.” I sat up on the couch next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. He shrugged and leant against me. Ben came out with the tea and I mouthed a thanks to him and just held Bam closer to my side. With a raised eyebrow, Ben handed me the shot of vodka I also mouthed for and I downed it quickly; it was highly necessary for my nerves.
What’s up? Ben mouthed over Bam’s head.
Girl problems I said back. He ‘aha’-ed and bit his lip.
“Look, Ville… I’ll just… go, okay?” I nodded.
“Thanks Ben.”
“No problem. Bam, kid, hang in there.” Bam nodded but didn’t look up as Ben left my flat.
“Okay. Look I want to help and sitting here hugging isn’t doing much so… you need to tell me what you want me to do.”
He just shrugged.
“You don’t want to tell me what happened?” No response.
I hated her. I hated her I hated her I hated her. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t do anything about it. I hated her for what she’d done to him, for what she’d done to this perfect boy.
I should have said something. Should have seen it coming. But I didn’t. Or, rather, I did, but I said nothing. Was this all my fault?
I was brought out of my thoughts by his talking. He was telling me what had happened. And every additional toneless and emotionless word he said just made my hatred for Jenn grow ten fold.
They’d gone out on dates, they hung out together at school and after school and it was fine. Hand holding, kissing, fine. But it was two weeks in and she was asking him for more and he couldn’t bring himself to do it. To touch her where she wanted to be touched, to let her touch him. He wanted it to mean more, when he went that far. He wanted to be sure. He just wanted to have fun; to be good friends, with the additional comfort of hugs and kisses and holding hands. He just wanted it to be simple. And he’d told her; and she’d laughed at him outright. Told him he was pathetic. Told him he was stupid and dumb; why should it mean more? What made him think that their new relationship was more than just friends with benefits? Why would she want anything else from him? Why did he have to be so difficult, want so much? What the heck made him think she was going to give him something more than physical? What was going to make him think that it was different from before?
“Bitch,” I said quietly when he stopped talking. He shook his head.
“No, no, I was just being … stupid.”
“Oh, fuck off you were not. You were being sweet. I could rip her eyes out.”
“Ville…”
“I’m serious.” He sighed.
“Thank you…”
“No, don’t thank me, I got you into this mess…”
“No, no, I … shoulda seen… shoulda realized… I… I just don’t get it. I mean… why is that… all people care about?” I sighed and pulled him closer, hugging him properly; he looked and sounded so lost and helpless. I didn’t even notice I was doing it until he was in my arms. He didn’t even do anything, just leant his head against my chest and simply focused on breathing.
“I don’t know, Bam. I can’t tell you why it’s like that, it just is. Sex is all a lot of people care about. Its all the world today cares about, actually. Its hard to find people who have a relationship that isn’t wholly based around it… and… there’s nothing you can do until you can … find that for yourself… I’m so sorry this had to happen to you, Bam.” He shrugged and shivered again.
“But why? Why can’t it be something special?” I sighed; he’s talking about this to me? Of all people? I couldn’t help but chuckle cynically.
“In today’s world? Bam, you have to be kidding me. People just don’t care anymore.”
… the dream of Love
“That’s stupid.” I can’t be offended because he’s so upset.
“I know, Bam, I know.”
He shivered again and seemed to gasp for breath, holding something back… I knew what, but I didn’t think he wanted me to know.
“Bam,” I say quietly. “You know, it’s okay to cry. Bigger, tougher men than you have cried over women. Or you know, men, depending on their sexual tendencies.” He gave an appreciative smirk at my humor and shrugged. “It’s okay; I swear I won’t tell a soul.”
And finally, the barriers burst and he cried quietly into my chest while I held him tightly, stroking his wet hair and rocking him back and forth.
Once he’d gained control of himself and we’d both been silent for a while he looked up at me, smiling a little.
“Thank you, Ville.” And I know he meant it sincerely; I knew I was the only friend he had that would listen to him like this. I knew I was the only friend who would hear him out without teasing him - too much - who would let him cry, who would just simply be there for him.
Funny how it was exactly how I felt about him.
With the warmth of your arms you save me…
Funny how I could sit here, holding his soaking wet body on my lap all day, letting him cry on my shoulder all day… could sit here perfectly happy for a lifetime.
“You gonna be okay, kid?”
“Don’t call me kid,” he hissed, poking me. I grinned - he would be fine.
It wasn’t until after he’d left later that night that I started thinking about things properly.
I couldn’t understand it. I just… couldn’t grasp what had just happened.
To him, to me. Didn’t know what it was that I was feeling, when we were just sitting there, holding each other.
After about 10 minutes of pointless arguing with myself I decided I was just angry at Jenn and worried about Bam because he meant so much to me because he’d done so much to me and … well. We were friends. That was what friends were for.
I couldn’t bear to analyze when I’d become strong for him. I couldn’t think about it. It made no sense to me. In my mind, he was pretty much the mature one of us. I knew more about the world but he handled everything in a more mature way.
It was after another hour’s contemplation on the subject that I realized I was thinking about him too much and went to sit in the tub with a book and some wine to get my mind off of it; it was almost worrying to me that he was always on my mind.
I gave up on the book and threw it at the wall, and tried to concentrate on the hot water and the wine, but it was proving difficult. I hadn’t thought about any one single person like that, as much as that, since god only knew how long. How long had it been since Finland, the fated first love? Ages. It had been ages and it still hurt like a fresh, raw wound.
Labyrinth in the shape of a heart,
Love’s secret architecture…
It didn’t do to think about it. But I found that I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about Bam, no matter how hard I tried; he just wouldn’t go away.
I find myself to be lost in the
Arms of your fate
Genre:: AU Vam Fanfic
Rating:: R
Summary:: His heaven is ablaze in my eyes
Notes:: This story is based on the album Dark Light. All lyrics are taken from that album, and are copyright of Ville Valo. I do not know or own the characters in this story. The storyline itself is property of me and me alone. This story deals with the themes of religion and a degree of pedophilia. If you have a problem with the themes, dont read it.
Links under the cut
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Accident
Chapter 2 - Pot Luck
Chapter 3 - Warmth
Chapter 4 - Joseph on Wheels
Chapter 5 - My First Christmas
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 6 - Beginnings
Chapter 7 - Music
Chapter 8 - Time
Chapter 9 - Unfortunate Meetings of Unfortunate Friends
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 10 - Journies
Chapter 11 - First Crush
Chapter 12 - Contemptible
It was barely 2 weeks later that Bam turned up at my apartment, banging to be let in.
I got up from the meal I’d just served myself and Ben, visiting for dinner - well, dinner… it was pasta with a sauce that you just had to heat but it was good enough for us - and let him in. He was a mess.
“Fucking hell, Bam, what happened?” He just shook his head and sat himself down on the couch, shivering. It was raining outside and he looked like he’d been walking around in it for hours.
“Bam, how long have you been outside?” He shrugged. Ben came out of the kitchen, frowning.
“Is he okay, Ville?” I knelt down in front of Bam and looked at him in the eyes. Or, I tried to; his sopping wet hair was hanging down into his face and all I could smell was the water seeping off of his body and into my sofa. But who cared about sofas?
“I don’t know,” I told Ben, still looking at Bam. “I can’t tell. Bam, c’mon. You alright?” Ben, luckily, was thinking enough to pull Bam to his feet and strip him of his wet clothes and wrap him in towels and blankets. I couldn’t do anything. I was distressed. What was wrong? What had happened? Why had he come to me, of all people? Was he sick? Should I call a doctor? What do I DO?!
Ben went into the kitchen to fix some tea for Bam and I knelt in front of him again, going half crazy myself but trying desperately to keep it together. For him.
“Bam, look, you have to tell me if you’re sick or not, so I can call a doctor or your mom or…”
“I’m not sick,” he said, finally, his teeth chattering.
“Well, there’s a relief. You wanna tell me what’s up?” He shook his head, and looked so forlorn and confused and lost and so un-Bam-like that I almost wanted to shake him out of it. “Look, I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“Jenn,” he stuttered, and shivered again. I stared at him, and then realized what must have happened.
The nightmare waking you up from the dream…
“Oh, god, Bam, I’m sorry kid.” I sat up on the couch next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. He shrugged and leant against me. Ben came out with the tea and I mouthed a thanks to him and just held Bam closer to my side. With a raised eyebrow, Ben handed me the shot of vodka I also mouthed for and I downed it quickly; it was highly necessary for my nerves.
What’s up? Ben mouthed over Bam’s head.
Girl problems I said back. He ‘aha’-ed and bit his lip.
“Look, Ville… I’ll just… go, okay?” I nodded.
“Thanks Ben.”
“No problem. Bam, kid, hang in there.” Bam nodded but didn’t look up as Ben left my flat.
“Okay. Look I want to help and sitting here hugging isn’t doing much so… you need to tell me what you want me to do.”
He just shrugged.
“You don’t want to tell me what happened?” No response.
I hated her. I hated her I hated her I hated her. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t do anything about it. I hated her for what she’d done to him, for what she’d done to this perfect boy.
I should have said something. Should have seen it coming. But I didn’t. Or, rather, I did, but I said nothing. Was this all my fault?
I was brought out of my thoughts by his talking. He was telling me what had happened. And every additional toneless and emotionless word he said just made my hatred for Jenn grow ten fold.
They’d gone out on dates, they hung out together at school and after school and it was fine. Hand holding, kissing, fine. But it was two weeks in and she was asking him for more and he couldn’t bring himself to do it. To touch her where she wanted to be touched, to let her touch him. He wanted it to mean more, when he went that far. He wanted to be sure. He just wanted to have fun; to be good friends, with the additional comfort of hugs and kisses and holding hands. He just wanted it to be simple. And he’d told her; and she’d laughed at him outright. Told him he was pathetic. Told him he was stupid and dumb; why should it mean more? What made him think that their new relationship was more than just friends with benefits? Why would she want anything else from him? Why did he have to be so difficult, want so much? What the heck made him think she was going to give him something more than physical? What was going to make him think that it was different from before?
“Bitch,” I said quietly when he stopped talking. He shook his head.
“No, no, I was just being … stupid.”
“Oh, fuck off you were not. You were being sweet. I could rip her eyes out.”
“Ville…”
“I’m serious.” He sighed.
“Thank you…”
“No, don’t thank me, I got you into this mess…”
“No, no, I … shoulda seen… shoulda realized… I… I just don’t get it. I mean… why is that… all people care about?” I sighed and pulled him closer, hugging him properly; he looked and sounded so lost and helpless. I didn’t even notice I was doing it until he was in my arms. He didn’t even do anything, just leant his head against my chest and simply focused on breathing.
“I don’t know, Bam. I can’t tell you why it’s like that, it just is. Sex is all a lot of people care about. Its all the world today cares about, actually. Its hard to find people who have a relationship that isn’t wholly based around it… and… there’s nothing you can do until you can … find that for yourself… I’m so sorry this had to happen to you, Bam.” He shrugged and shivered again.
“But why? Why can’t it be something special?” I sighed; he’s talking about this to me? Of all people? I couldn’t help but chuckle cynically.
“In today’s world? Bam, you have to be kidding me. People just don’t care anymore.”
… the dream of Love
“That’s stupid.” I can’t be offended because he’s so upset.
“I know, Bam, I know.”
He shivered again and seemed to gasp for breath, holding something back… I knew what, but I didn’t think he wanted me to know.
“Bam,” I say quietly. “You know, it’s okay to cry. Bigger, tougher men than you have cried over women. Or you know, men, depending on their sexual tendencies.” He gave an appreciative smirk at my humor and shrugged. “It’s okay; I swear I won’t tell a soul.”
And finally, the barriers burst and he cried quietly into my chest while I held him tightly, stroking his wet hair and rocking him back and forth.
Once he’d gained control of himself and we’d both been silent for a while he looked up at me, smiling a little.
“Thank you, Ville.” And I know he meant it sincerely; I knew I was the only friend he had that would listen to him like this. I knew I was the only friend who would hear him out without teasing him - too much - who would let him cry, who would just simply be there for him.
Funny how it was exactly how I felt about him.
With the warmth of your arms you save me…
Funny how I could sit here, holding his soaking wet body on my lap all day, letting him cry on my shoulder all day… could sit here perfectly happy for a lifetime.
“You gonna be okay, kid?”
“Don’t call me kid,” he hissed, poking me. I grinned - he would be fine.
It wasn’t until after he’d left later that night that I started thinking about things properly.
I couldn’t understand it. I just… couldn’t grasp what had just happened.
To him, to me. Didn’t know what it was that I was feeling, when we were just sitting there, holding each other.
After about 10 minutes of pointless arguing with myself I decided I was just angry at Jenn and worried about Bam because he meant so much to me because he’d done so much to me and … well. We were friends. That was what friends were for.
I couldn’t bear to analyze when I’d become strong for him. I couldn’t think about it. It made no sense to me. In my mind, he was pretty much the mature one of us. I knew more about the world but he handled everything in a more mature way.
It was after another hour’s contemplation on the subject that I realized I was thinking about him too much and went to sit in the tub with a book and some wine to get my mind off of it; it was almost worrying to me that he was always on my mind.
I gave up on the book and threw it at the wall, and tried to concentrate on the hot water and the wine, but it was proving difficult. I hadn’t thought about any one single person like that, as much as that, since god only knew how long. How long had it been since Finland, the fated first love? Ages. It had been ages and it still hurt like a fresh, raw wound.
Labyrinth in the shape of a heart,
Love’s secret architecture…
It didn’t do to think about it. But I found that I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about Bam, no matter how hard I tried; he just wouldn’t go away.
I find myself to be lost in the
Arms of your fate