Losing it!
I was feeling guilty and un-easy about leaving my mom to deal with my brother on her own. She said it was fine tho and that Tom was on his way over. This didn't make me feel any better but I needed to get out of there before suffocated. Plus going to a fundraiser for a local who had cancer could be just the "GOOD" I needed to do to make me feel like I could at least help someone somewhere.
I took a deep breath of the fresh air before stepping inside as I meantly prepared myself for putting on a fake smile and meeting new people. The first face I saw was the one and Only Whitney Lane! She gave the disgusted look and turned very quickly away from me. This didn't lift my spirits any and really it made me want to step back out side that door and just leave. But I knew Timmy (the bouncer/manager) wanted to introduce me to the people of a non profit charity group I am joining so I didn't want to ditch him. So I said hi to him and he said he would introduce me in a minute to the members of Motor City Mad Men. I stood there looking around at many familar and some not so familiar faces. Suddenly the bar seemed even smaller and I felt like I couldn't breath. My chest was pounding like I was about to have a social anxiety attack or something. I didn't think I had social anxiety but at that moment it just felt like to many people and that somehow they were all staring at me even tho no one was. Well except Whitney that is! She was across the room throwing death stares my way. Whatever fuck you!
Finally Timmy started to introduce me to the crew and I started to breath normally again. I smiled and even laughed a few times and felt half way normal. Aaron came by the table a few times and almost seemed to flirt with me but I ignored it best I could. After a coulple of hours Timmy asked me what was wrong and if I had a bad day or something. He said you look tired and a little sad. I said yeah it was a rough weekend. My brother has some problems and we thought maybe he was better but he is not at all and just a lot happend over the past few days and it drained me. He shook his head and said yeah I know how that goes. The conversation continued and the next thing I know he his telling me how is causin who he was close with and lived with him had a really big drug problem and died a few years ago. His point of telling me was to try and make me see that I can't blame myself like he did for a long time because there is nothing you can really do. But all I heard over and over in my head was DIED!!!! DIED! GONE, DEAD NO LONGER LIVING!! He saw I was getting teary eyed and tried to to say something to make me feel better but I stood and said I am going to get some fresh air he shook his head and said ok. I power walked out of the place so fast and didn't look at anything or anyone. I walked past the cars to the street and waited for what seemed to be forever for traffic to be clear and ran to the edge of the water and fell to the ground and just lost it. I couldn't breath and I couldn't stop the tears or my heart from jumping in and out of my chest. There was a fishing boat that after a minute took off. I think they felt like like they were intruding on my freak out lol. I laugh because they had to think I was crazy! After a few minutes of sobbing I heard Timmy walk up behind me and he took a seat on the grass next to me and said I am sorry. He let me cry and then cried with me, telling me he knows its scary and that he was sorry that I had to go through something like this. We talked and cried for a while until we finally both took a deep breath and he said lets get you a wood chuck. :) Lindsey showed up a little while later and we tried to make the best of the night I danced to blow off steem but no matter what I felt more broken then I think I ever have. Aaron asked me if I was ok I am not even sure what I said back but he then hugged me for a minute and I forgot how I missed his real hugs. He hadn't given me a hug like that in along time. But before I fell back under his spell (which is easy when your an emotional reck) I walked away. Around midnight I told Lindsey I was spent and wanted to leave. I hugged Timmy and Brannon and waved to Aaron from a few feet away I was a little afraid if I hugged him again I wouldn't want to let go. Before he could stand I turned and walked out the door. Feeling a way that I can't not discribe nor will I try to.
I took a deep breath of the fresh air before stepping inside as I meantly prepared myself for putting on a fake smile and meeting new people. The first face I saw was the one and Only Whitney Lane! She gave the disgusted look and turned very quickly away from me. This didn't lift my spirits any and really it made me want to step back out side that door and just leave. But I knew Timmy (the bouncer/manager) wanted to introduce me to the people of a non profit charity group I am joining so I didn't want to ditch him. So I said hi to him and he said he would introduce me in a minute to the members of Motor City Mad Men. I stood there looking around at many familar and some not so familiar faces. Suddenly the bar seemed even smaller and I felt like I couldn't breath. My chest was pounding like I was about to have a social anxiety attack or something. I didn't think I had social anxiety but at that moment it just felt like to many people and that somehow they were all staring at me even tho no one was. Well except Whitney that is! She was across the room throwing death stares my way. Whatever fuck you!
Finally Timmy started to introduce me to the crew and I started to breath normally again. I smiled and even laughed a few times and felt half way normal. Aaron came by the table a few times and almost seemed to flirt with me but I ignored it best I could. After a coulple of hours Timmy asked me what was wrong and if I had a bad day or something. He said you look tired and a little sad. I said yeah it was a rough weekend. My brother has some problems and we thought maybe he was better but he is not at all and just a lot happend over the past few days and it drained me. He shook his head and said yeah I know how that goes. The conversation continued and the next thing I know he his telling me how is causin who he was close with and lived with him had a really big drug problem and died a few years ago. His point of telling me was to try and make me see that I can't blame myself like he did for a long time because there is nothing you can really do. But all I heard over and over in my head was DIED!!!! DIED! GONE, DEAD NO LONGER LIVING!! He saw I was getting teary eyed and tried to to say something to make me feel better but I stood and said I am going to get some fresh air he shook his head and said ok. I power walked out of the place so fast and didn't look at anything or anyone. I walked past the cars to the street and waited for what seemed to be forever for traffic to be clear and ran to the edge of the water and fell to the ground and just lost it. I couldn't breath and I couldn't stop the tears or my heart from jumping in and out of my chest. There was a fishing boat that after a minute took off. I think they felt like like they were intruding on my freak out lol. I laugh because they had to think I was crazy! After a few minutes of sobbing I heard Timmy walk up behind me and he took a seat on the grass next to me and said I am sorry. He let me cry and then cried with me, telling me he knows its scary and that he was sorry that I had to go through something like this. We talked and cried for a while until we finally both took a deep breath and he said lets get you a wood chuck. :) Lindsey showed up a little while later and we tried to make the best of the night I danced to blow off steem but no matter what I felt more broken then I think I ever have. Aaron asked me if I was ok I am not even sure what I said back but he then hugged me for a minute and I forgot how I missed his real hugs. He hadn't given me a hug like that in along time. But before I fell back under his spell (which is easy when your an emotional reck) I walked away. Around midnight I told Lindsey I was spent and wanted to leave. I hugged Timmy and Brannon and waved to Aaron from a few feet away I was a little afraid if I hugged him again I wouldn't want to let go. Before he could stand I turned and walked out the door. Feeling a way that I can't not discribe nor will I try to.