Up and Down (Saturday Mid Afternoon)
I didn't have a whole lot planned other then some laundry and stuff. Dustin had been texting me all day and asked if we could get something to eat after he got out of work. He said he wanted bread sticks I knew this was a lie since he never really liked bread sticks all that much. But somehow he talked me into hanging out eatting bread from anthonys and watching weeds.
As I pulled in the dirveway I had a strange feeling, the same feeling I get whenever I go Mike Caples house to cut his Nana's hair or something. It feels a little like home and like the scariest place ever at the same time. His dad was home and I was nervous about seeing him but his dad is good at pretending like nothing has changed no matter how much has. We made our way up his stairs and my stomach flipped a few times. His room pretty much hadn't changed except the dog I gave him was on the closet shelf the picture book of us was no longer up and the board that I used to write him messages on now said don't worry things could be worse. This made me sad and happy all at the same time. We started weeds and ate our bread. He laughed at me laughing at the show and got that look on his face like I missed this and you being here. I felt that way a little too but I know not as much as he did. The next thing I know he he is rubbing my shoulders I am not as relaxed as I should be because I have a feeling something is about to happen. I stiffen up and get really nervous. I feel him pulling himself closer and then there it is the kiss on my neck. There was a part of me that wanted him to continue. But I pulled away. We finished that episode and then we started talking. I told him that nothing could happen because it would complicate things and make it hard to figure out what was really right.
I was about to get up off of the bed and head out to go watch Aaron's friends band play when he pulled me in a kissed me!! For a second I thought oh who cares just let him kiss you, you know it feels good. And then I thought NO so I pulled away fast and said I am sorry I can't do this. I explained for a second time why I thought this was a bad idea and he said I am sorry. We said our goodbyes and he walked me to my car. I knew his heart was probably breaking all over again and this crushed me. He smiled anyways and waved me out of the drive way. So many thoughts flooded my mind at once and I was happy that I would be escaping to music and Aaron's crooked teethed smile, but I also felt very guilty for this at the same time.
I walked into IT and took a seat and just let out a long sigh..............