Barbossa is a goody-two-shoes. ...I can't believe I wrote that.

[araeph]

TITLE: Hoist the Colors

CULPRIT: o.0 Barbossa's Pearl 0.o Wow, O.o is my reaction to this penname, too!

SUMMARY: [preCOTBP] Three Young Pirates are on a quest to retrieve a certain treasure at Shipwreck cove. But on the orders of Tia Dalma, MUST under any circumstances keep it from the Royal Navy, who have been after it for years.

Best line: “Even some pirates knew the difference between right and wrong. Apparently Barbossa was one of them.”

Verdict:



NAME: Katie No Last Name. I’m serious. She deliberately has no last name because her parents disowned her.
HAIR: “She also took the silver hair brush offered to her and ran it through her wavy auburn hair, which was once silky and made up of loose ringlets. That too was changed by the Caribbean sun.” So, the Caribbean sun uncurls one’s hair?
EYES: Color unknown, but they sparkle and are adorable.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Typical pirate clothing, which inhibits her beauty, but only a little.
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A sword.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Well, since we don’t know her last name, it’s hard to say, but the “Tragic Past” gives us enough information to know that we really couldn’t care less.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Barbossa’s One True Love. And guess what, guys: this charming lady is ALSO thirteen! Amusingly enough, she tries to backtrack by changing her age to a grand total of SIXteen and setting the narrative back in time a few decades, so Barbossa is younger (25). Which makes it a bit better, but…would you want to be involved with a 25-year-old at that age?
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: She mesmerizes the cook into giving her Barbossa’s steak for dinner.

TRAGIC PAST: “My parents disowned me.” Katie set down fork and knife, just staring at her half eaten steak. “My perfect twin brother James was enough for them. I told my mother I wanted to be a pirate someday because I thought they were…nice. My mother shunned me at first. But then she got so serious about my ambitions, she just disowned me all together, not wanting a pirate in the family.” she explained.

THE "PLOT": Tia Dalma has acquired a new…friend, shall we say…whose name is Katie No Last Name. This wonderful person takes us back in time to when she was thirteen and Jack was fourteen. Then she takes us forward in time, because even she realizes a romance with Barbossa at the age would be a little wrong. Anyway, she meets with the pirate, who takes an instant loving-nevermind liking-to her, despite the fact that she refuses to tell him anything about herself until he prods her. She’s mum about their mission, too, and it’s only later that we find out it’s to retrieve the Black Pearl from…Singapore. Yeah. Despite the fact that Barbossa doesn’t even know where he’s going, he agrees to sail with her, and takes along a young Jack Sparrow, whose only purpose is to be antagonistic and sexist, for since he and Barbossa are enemies, naturally he’s Sue’s enemy, too. Along the way, Barbossa falls in love (after one whole day!), Sue shares his bed but refuses to sleep with him, taunts him, and gives his crew orders contrary to Barbossa’s own. This alone would guarantee her a very short lifespan, which made me think that this might be a good fic to…end in a different way, if you will.

Notes: I’m not sure if it’s possible to have a main character with less personality than this one.



Tia Dalma’s new sidekick

”Thirteen year old Katie sang quietly to herself as she rowed up the eerie swamp. Crickets accompanied her in the background, chirping. Did birds sing along with her, too? She carefully pushed up the sleeves to her jacket, which was too big for her. It wasn’t even hers. Sighing, she spotted her destination ahead.

Fireflies were the only light around, allowing her only to see the dock where she tied the small boat. She climbed out and steadied herself on the solid wood dock. She climbed up the ladder and onto the narrow porch. Going over to the door, she knocked on it.

“Come in, child. I was expecting you.” a voice said from inside. She opened the door hesitantly and took a step inside. “You poor ting, look at you!” Tia Dalma came out of the other room.

“I’m alright.” Katie took off the coat and placed it over the chair by the table. Tia Dalma handed her a rag and she took it, wiping the dirt and grime from her cheeks, tanned from the Caribbean sun. She also took the silver hair brush offered to her and ran it through her wavy auburn hair, which was once silky and made up of loose ringlets. That too was changed by the Caribbean sun. Should we give her points for this? I think that if you feel the need to describe how beautiful your character’s hair used to be, having it messy later doesn’t make her less of a Sue.

“Much better.” Tia Dalma muttered. Next she handed Katie a bowl containing some form of mush that Katie was not hesitant in the slightest to take and begin eating.

Pausing from shoveling the gray mush into her mouth, she looked up at Tia Dalma. “You summoned me here because you said you had a mission for me.”

“Yes. Have you ever heard of Jack Sparrow?” Tia Dalma sat across from Katie at the table and eyed her carefully.

“Once at Tortuga. He was looking for a ship. He’s like, fourteen.” Katie said with a mouthful of food.

“And you’ve heard of Hecta Barbossa.”

“Of course. Who hasn’t? Legend has it the man could kill Davy Jones with one stab of his sword.” Katie looked back up when she heard Tia Dalma chuckle at this.

“I doubt anyone could kill Davy Jones, but that’s a story for another time.” Tia Dalma sighed.

“What do Jack and Hector have to do with the mission?” Katie set the bowl on the table and folded her hands neatly in her lap. Tia Dalma stared at her and opened her mouth and spoke almost silently…

“Your mission is to…” Oh, way to leave us in the dark, Suethor. There are cliffhangers, and then there are roadblocks.

IN TORTUGA

Katie sat on a stool in a bar. Where is he, she thought. Tia Dalma had told her that he would be here. Walking into the bar just as she had sat down with two drinks. She kept her hat down, to hide her face from the rest of the pirates.

She turned around and surveyed the room. Suddenly, she heard the front doors open and close. Almost the whole room went silent. She motioned for the bartender to give her two and she set one out on the table. She happened to be at one of the closer tables.

“Captain Barbossa, do you mind?” her voice sounded low, and deep, imitating a male voice. Oh, yeah, that fooled him. She slid the mug of rum towards him.

“Not at all.” Barbossa grimaced and sat down next to her taking the mug. “May I inquire as to what yer name might be?” he questioned.

She turned her head sharply and tipped her hat up, revealing her young, feminine facial features to him. “Later.” she winked and smiled. He took in a short breath of surprise and nearly choked on his rum.

“You nearly had me there for a minute.” he chuckled. “Foolin’ me isn’t an easy thing, Miss…” he motioned for her to fill in the blank. She rolled her eyes and whispered.

“Katie.” she said quietly.

“No last name?” Barbossa grinned wickedly.

“My parents disowned me, so no. I have none.” she sighed. Smart parents.

“Let’s say, you and I continue this conversation on my ship.” he offered.

“Agreed.” Katie stood almost immediately. He stood as well. He was nearly then a foot taller than her, but that was to be expected. She was only thirteen. He chuckled at her appearance. Dirty face and hands, but yet she could almost pass for beautiful. Her coat hung down past her knees and the sleeves were a good six inches longer than her arms. Her boots were new, and fit just right. As were the rest of her clothes, safe for a few spots of dirt and grime. A pistol was tucked safely in her belt and a sword hung at her side. Is this really necessary?

She followed him out of the bar and down to the docks, which was not very far. She stayed a safe distance from him, not trusting him at the slightest. They reached a small row boat. He let her get in first and climbed in after. He picked up the oars and began rowing.

A large ship sat not far from shore, obviously too big to bring any closer. It glistened in the sparkling sea as the sunset cast pink and purple rays across the horizon. Katie knew her mouth was hanging open at the sight of the most beautiful ship she had ever laid her eyes on.

diclaimer: Way to go, Suethor! I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, but Katie is all mine.

Well, here it is, Chapter 2. Enjoy!
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Chapter Two

Captain Barbossa climbed up the rope ladder that was hanging from the side of the ship. When he reached the top, he extended a hand to help Katie up. When she stood up and looked around the ship, she was amazed. Seeing as she hadn’t really been on a ship bigger than a dingy, it was a fairly spectacular sight for her.

“Come to me cabin.” Barbossa motioned for her to come with him. His face was still young, but had scars from being in fights. Most of his mousy brown hair was bound tightly with a leather strap. His blue eyes still had a little youthful sparkle in them, after who knows how many years he’s spent out in the sun. He was tall and muscular. Katie also noticed another thing. Unlike most pirate captains, Barbossa wasn’t wearing a hat.

After taking in his appearance, she opened her mouth to speak. “I can’t trust you in there. Who knows what you’ll do?” she raised an eyebrow and gazed up at him.

“Just for a glass of wine and some talkin’. You seemed to want to talk an awful lot at the tavern. Yet here ye are, no words in you.” he smiled ever so slightly.

“Alright. But no wine, just the talking.” she gave in and followed him into the cabin. It was dark, save for a few candles placed here and there. The whole room glowed blood red from the crimson table cloth, bed covers, and curtains. In his spare time, Barbossa was an interior decorator. She surveyed the room, then set her hat on the table. She draped her large coat over the chair and turned to Barbossa. “Certain gives off a rather… dismal… feeling.” Little did she know it was the captain’s Sue-hacking room!Katie commented as she took a seat in the chair she had draped her coat over.

“You seem a little young to be sneaking around Tortuga with a bunch of ruthless old pirates like me? How old are you?” Barbossa carefully poured a glass of red wine.

“Why should I answer you?” Katie just stared at him. Because you came in this room to TALK to him, nitwit.

“Well, you seem to want something with me, it seems only fair that I know a little something about you before we go into bargaining with each other.” he sighed.

“Fine. It only seems fair. I’m…” she paused, thinking about lying but then realized that it would be likely he’d find out her real age anyway. “I’m thirteen.” she smiled weakly at him. She immediately saw the smile on his face fall.

“Ah, thirteen.” he sighed. Katie knew that some thoughts had vanished from his mind. Thank heavens. Even some pirates knew the difference between right and wrong curves and Kleenex. Apparently Barbossa was one of them.

“Listen, I need to talk to you.” she put both her hands on the table for him to see.

“What about?” Barbossa sat back and put both of his feet up on the table, stomping on the Sue’s hands in the process.

“I have a mission. Should you choose to accept it. And your help is required to complete this mission.” Katie stared at his face, her gaze lingering a little too long. Oh, boy.

“And what be the nature of this mission?” Barbossa questioned, meeting her gaze.

“I…I can’t tell you.” THIS again. Why in the world did she agree to meet with him in the first place if she’s reluctant to give out even the most basic details? “I need to see you…but I can’t tell you my name. We need to talk…but I can’t tell you what I want to talk about.” she looked away from him. He just stared at her in disbelief. “Wait, before you say anything, I just need you to help me. There will be plenty of profit in it for you, I promise. I just need you to help me.” Katie pleaded with him, hoping the sparkle of her eyes would happen to charm him enough.

“Who sent you on this mission?” Barbossa stood and went over to his cupboard with the wine and poured another glass. He needed a little extra to get him through Sue’s labyrinthine conversation.

“T-Tia D-Dalma.” Katie stuttered. Barbossa spun around and glared at her, complete disbelief was all she could make out of his expression.

“Tia Dalma sent you.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Yes, thank you, we gathered that from the lack of a question mark at the end of the sentence.

“Yes.” Katie tilted her head to the side.

“Where are we going?” he glanced away, then turned back to his wine.

“Singapore. Then to Shipwreck Cove.” Katie told him.

“Is it…”

“It’s not the Brethren Court. There are a few matters we must attend to at those locations.” Katie stood and walked over to where he was. His back was to her, but he could feel her presence directly behind him. His pirate-sense was tingling.

“It’s not going to be easy to say no to you, is it?” Captain Barbossa turned around, the glass of wine in his hand. ”I may need something stronger…”

“I wouldn’t dare tell you it is.” Katie lowered her voice to a whisper. “You know you want to do it. There’s a part of you the yearns for an adventure like this.” she said slowly, letting the words roll off her tongue.

Barbossa looked down at her, stepping closer, filling in the gap between them. “You have a point, Miss Katie.” he lowered his voice to match hers with an equally quiet whisper. “Alright. I’ll help you on this mission of yours.”

“Thank you.” Katie stood on her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. *cries* “Now there’s one order of business I must complete before we leave port.” she back away from him Oh, do she? and ran around the side of the table to gather her coat and hat.

“What might that be?” Barbossa’s eyes followed her.

“We have to find someone named Jack Sparrow.”

Later

Katie seemed to have Captain Barbossa in the palm of her hand. Um? He was doing everything she asked…no commanded him to do. It’s not enough for a Sue to make a canon character like her; he has to be obedient and servile. You know, like the canon Barbossa would be. Tia Dalma had said that once she got Barbossa, she would find Jack Sparrow in the same tavern they were in earlier, but Katie had to get Barbossa to do a little bargaining with somebody before they found Jack.

Once Barbossa had reported to her bearing a black eye, he handed her the map that she had told him he needed to acquire. “The bilge rat didn’t see it comin’ when I socked him. Although he seemed to have no problem getting me back.” he said with a soft chuckle.

As Katie safely tucked away the map, they entered the familiar tavern. When Barbossa entered, it went silent as it always did. Barbossa nodded to the bartender, who grinned and went back to what he was doing. The rest of the tavern continued their conversations.

Barbossa was the first one to spot Jack, sitting alone in the corner sipping a mug. I hope he would be sipping a drink. Katie encouraged him to go up to Jack first, and she would follow. Barbossa approached Jack and stood, looking down on him.

“May I help you?” Jack looked up and shot and angry look at Barbossa, Except for the “and angry look at” part. but then his face softened and he quickly added, “Sir.”

“Stand up boy.” Barbossa grumbled. Jack stood. “Katie…” Barbossa stepped out of the way.

“Jack Sparrow.” Katie looked him over. He too, was taller than her. She looked up into his eyes. “I would like to strike a deal with you.” she smiled.

“You? A girl?” Jack rolled his eyes. “Get back to the kitchen, where you belong!” screamed Misogynist!Jack. “I’ve never treated a woman like one of my crew, let alone given her a ship. In fact, I spat in the face of Mistress Ching!” But suddenly, Barbossa did something neither of them expected. Barbossa grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pinned him against the wall.

“You will listen to what she has to say! Regardless of whether she’s a girl or not!” Barbossa banged him against the wall a few more times, then let Jack slump to the ground. If Jack’s fourteen, there’s no way he’s a pirate lord, let alone a captain. And this version of Jack seems to be weak, passive-aggressive, and rather dense. What could Barbossa possibly want from him? A few moments later, Barbossa stood over him again. “Stand up boy.” was all he said.

This time, Jack was not hesitant at all to get up. He stood, and with great difficulty, looked Barbossa in the eye. “Yes, sir.” he hissed, making his final transformation from a full-fledged character into Villain-Because-Cutie-Barbossa-Doesn’t-Like-Him.

“Boys! Calm down.” Katie raised her voice. “Jack, Captain, let’s continue this on the ship. That is, if you can stand to be around each other.” Katie rolled her eyes.

“Yes, on the ship.” Jack grumbled, not having the slightest clue what was going on . And really, who can blame him?


Without warning, the ages change.

A/N: I thought it would be best to change all their ages, just because of somethings that might happen later. But I can do that, right? It's only the third chapter. Katie is now 16, Jack is 17, and Barbossa is 25

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Why, yes, that makes it aaaaaall better. Even disregarding the fact that Jack Sparrow looks younger than the actual age of the actor, Geoffrey Rush is twelve years older than Johnny Depp.

Chapter Three

Jack Sparrow sat across from Katie and Barbossa, staring down at the table, with his arms folded across his chest. He frowned and slumped down in his chair, unhappy at being drug ”I swear, they FORCED me into the opium habit!” to the ship and seated across from two total complete strangers that wanted him to go on a mission to a place halfway across the world.

“So let me get this straight. You want me to come on a ship with a guy that threw me against the wall in a bar to a place that’s half way across the world and you can’t even tell me why we’re going? Is it just me, or does that sound just the slightest bit appealing Un. UNappealing. to you?” Jack snapped at Katie, glaring at her.

“Listen, Jack. Tia Dalma is sending me, and she said that you and Captain Barbossa would be the best pirates to help me. And you’ll each get fifty percent of the plunder. I promise.” Katie looked from both Jack to Barbossa. So…what’s in it for her, then?

Barbossa was just staring at Katie. His eyes shifting up and down, examining each and every spot of dirt on her tan cheeks. “Captain…” Katie turned and looked at him, shaking him out of his daydream. Barbossa daydreams about dirt!

“What?” Barbossa snapped back into reality and stared into Katie’s eyes.

“I thought I lost you.” Katie grinned, trying not to laugh. On the other side of the table, Jack still slumped in the chair with his arms folded across his chest. Katie turned and stared at Jack. “What will it take?” Katie stood up and walked around the table. Barbossa started to protest her leaving his side, but before he could say anything, he shut his mouth.

“Jack…really. What will it take?” Katie placed her hands on his shoulders. Jack immediately stiffened and his arms began to loosen their grip.

“I…I want a ship.” Jack looked up at Katie as she stood by his side, sliding up onto the table and gazing into Jack’s dark brown eyes.

“You want a ship.” Katie smiled. “You’ll get one. I promise. A great ship, better than the Atlantica herself.” Katie motioned to the ship around her. She heard Barbossa make a noise of disapproval her but she ignored it. “What do you say, Jack?”

“Alright.” Jack told her hesitantly.

“Thank you.” Katie grinned and went back over to Barbossa’s side of the table. “When are we leaving port?” She asked him.

“Tomorrow morning.” Barbossa grumbled, glaring at Jack.
“Jack, you don’t have to stay here. But I expect to see you here tomorrow morning. I don’t lie, you’ll have you ship, I promise.”

“Thanks.” Jack mumbled as he stood and walked out of the room as fast as he could.

“I thought he’d never leave.” Barbossa sighed. Suddenly, he stood and wrapped his arms around Katie in an embrace. “How ‘bout a little treat, love?” Barbossa asked.

“Captain! That’s really not appropriate!” Katie wiggled out of his arms and backed away. “I…I can’t. I…have some things to do. I’ll be back later.” Katie backed away and left the room.

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” Barbossa slammed his fist on the table in frustration. He knew it was wrong, and he knew that he shouldn’t let his emotions control him, but he was indeed falling in love with the young girl named Katie. I’m going to pause here, because as much as this is relevant to every other Suefic, we really don’t ask this question enough.

What makes a man like Barbossa fall in love with a girl like Katie?

Katie, we are told, would be beautiful, except that she dresses in ill-fitting garments and constantly has dirt on her face. She probably doesn’t look as enticing as a whore, and likely doesn’t have lots of experience. She’s controlling, she seems to call the shots during meetings without actually telling him anything, and she doesn’t seem to have any special skill or character trait that would make her appealing. She has no power that Barbossa could use to his advantage; at best, she’s Tia Dalma’s spokeswoman. She’s not witty or dangerous. Even her name is generic. In short, Katie of No Last Name in Particular is about as bland as they come. At least most Mary Sues have their lust objects fall for them because they are the most special and wonderful people in the entire world. This girl isn’t even that…yet somehow she casts a spell of luuurve over the man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out.

He settled his argument with himself by trying to fall asleep. He removed his coat and vest, along with his pistol, sword, and boots. He curled up on top of the sloppily made bed. Hoping all thoughts of Katie would vanish from his mind, he willed himself to sleep.

What seemed like only minutes, was in fact, hours when Barbossa felt a light touch on his shoulder. “Captain…” he heard Katie’s soft voice.

“Mmmmm…Katie…” he mumbled.

“Captain Barbossa…” Katie bit her lip nervously and tried to wake him up.

“What?” his eyes flickered open and he looked at her.

“I thought big pirates don’t sleep like babies. Literally.” she giggled as she pointed out the position that he had been sleeping in.

“They don’t. I’m not a big pirate.” he mumbled, a slight smile touched his lips but his eyes never opened.

“Oh really, you’re not? I would’ve never guessed.” Katie placed her hand on his arm and grasped it slightly.

“What do you want?” Barbossa grumbled, sitting up.

“We must leave.” Katie removed her hand from Barbossa’s arm and her face got serious.

“Why?” Barbossa stood and went over to the table, picking up his vest and putting it on.

“We just have to. I was behind schedule. Jack’s already here, and so is the rest of the crew. We have to leave.” she told him. Her eyes had a strange look in them, one that Barbossa could not make out.

“What’s gotten into you?” he asked. He didn’t know why he asked it. He barely knew her. She could always be like this for all he knew. When she didn’t answer, Barbossa finished dressing himself and hurried out on the deck to follow her.

“Make ready the sails! Pull up the anchor!” Katie was yelling. Barbossa just stared at his crew, who were all busy taking orders from a sixteen year old.

“Katie!” Barbossa grabbed her arm and pulled her toward him. “What is the meaning of this?” he hissed through clenched teeth. Now, she’s taken over the SHIP?! Barbossa, do us all a favor and maroon this wench posthaste.

“We need to leave port!” Katie wiggled out of his grip and went over to where Jack was standing. “Jack! Here, take this!” Katie handed him the map that Barbossa had acquired for her much earlier that day. “Plot the best course to Singapore!”

“Katie!” Barbossa tried to gain control of her once again.

“What?” she turned toward him. The ship began to move forward as a slight breeze was caught in the sails.

“What are ye doin’?” Barbossa demanded.

“Getting these dingy bilge rats to do their jobs! C’mon Captain! We must leave! Tell them to do what I say!” Katie stubbornly commanded him.

“I can’t do that, Katie.” he tried to be nice about it, but his mood wouldn’t allow him. “Just go back to the cabin. I’ll make sure that we set off the right way.” Barbossa rolled his eyes and led her over to the doors of his cabin. When he make sure she was inside, he shut the doors and sigh, leaning against them.

Just then, Jack came over to him. “This is the fastest way…Captain.” Jack pointed out a line on the map.

“Good…good. Work with the helmsman on that.” Barbossa grumbled.

“You’re in…”

“love with her aren’t you” Katie couldn’t help listening through the door.

“Aye, I can’t help it. She’s just got something about her. And I just met her yesterday!” Katie heard Barbossa reply.

“Love at first sight, mate…er…Captain, sir.” Jack said as he went up to the helm with the map.

Katie turned and made her way to the bed, sitting on it. He loved her. Captain Barbossa loved her. But was it really love, or just a slight affection. “What have I gotten myself into?” she muttered as she brought her knees to her chest and curled up into a ball. Hey, Just like Barbossa. They really are meant for each other!



Araeph decides this story needs a new ending.

Meanwhile, Barbossa just stood on the deck, overlooking his crew. He wanted desperately to go to Katie and tell her that he loved her, but he couldn’t. He had agreed to this mission, and he was true to his word. He’d do what she wanted. He would do nothing more. And when it was all over, they’d part ways and pretend it never happened.

diclaimer: You’d think she would have fixed this by now. I don't own POTC. Katie is mine

“What would you like, Miss Katie?” cook asked.

“I want that.” Katie smirked and pointed to what he was preparing for Barbossa.

“That’s for the Captain.” cook told her.

“I know. The captain’s asleep. I want that.” she cocked her head and looked at him with adorable, glittering eyes. They glittered so much that it didn’t take the cook long to realize they weren’t real eyes; they were, in fact, made of glass.

“Yes ma’am.” cook grumbled as he gathered the slightly better tasting food onto a plate and handed it to her. He hoped she enjoyed the wad of spit that she’d soon be feasting on for being such a nuisance. “What would you like, Jacky?” cook asked Jack.

“What the rest of these bilge rats are having, I guess.” Jack grumbled as the cook handed him a bowl of mush. Jack went over to where Katie was sitting.

“Can’t you please tell me what’s going on?” Jack kept being persistent.

“Fine. We’re meeting someone.” Katie dug the knife into the steak that was supposed to be for Barbossa. She commands his ship. She sleeps in his bed. She eats his food…

“Hector’s gonna be pissed when he finds out you ate his food.” Jack let out a small laugh.

“You and the captain are on a first name basis?” Katie looked up curiously.

“While you hide all day, we’ve been getting to know each other.” Jack replied as he shoved the mush into his mouth.

“Oh, and what have you found out?” Katie looked curiously at Jack.

“The poor man was abandoned by ‘is parents. Never knew ‘em. He grew up as the captain’s cabin boy of this ship. He worked his way up to first mate, and when the captain died, he gained command. Story of his life.” Jack shrugged.

“And you, what about you’re life?” Katie asked.

“Me mum and dad were pirates. Me mum lives in Tortuga and dad is supposed to be off on a ship. I’ve been lookin’ fer a ship fer a while now. Just so I can go off on me own.” Jack sighed. “How about you? What’s your story?”

“My parents disowned me.” Katie set down fork and knife, just staring at her half eaten steak. “My perfect twin brother James was enough for them. I told my mother I wanted to be a pirate someday because I thought they were…nice. My mother shunned me at first. But then she got so serious about my ambitions, she just disowned me all together, not wanting a pirate in the family.” she explained.

“Sad.” Jack sighed. “I was hopin’ for a tale a bit more sorrowful than that. Most of you tiresome wretches blather on about how you were abused as a child and your relations were all drowned together, forcing you to be wed at a tender age. It’s intensely annoying, but at least you’re not cryin’ over normalcy. What respectable parent wouldn’t gnash his teeth at you takin’ up our way of life as some kind of lark?”

Katie continued to stare sadly at her food, not heeding him, as immersed as she was in self-pity. Jack, seeing this, eyed the half of a steak still on her plate. “Oh, yes, sorry, that’s right, terrible loss for you, terrible. Mmm, not as charred as I’d expect from this cook. Where was I? Right, woe an’ anguish an’ all that, you poor thing. Yesh, ish quite good. Fanks very much, dear,” he said, cleaning her plate.

At that moment, the thump of Barbossa’s boots was heard on the steps to the galley.
Wiping his mouth daintily on the Sue’s too-long sleeves, Jack immediately went back to his own place and began eating his gruel with relish.

“Cook, it’s been a long day. Hope ye haven’t ruined that steak,” Barbossa groused.

“Uh…” The cook looked blank. “I’m…sorry, Captain, I…gave it to her?” He looked puzzled by his own words. “Her eyes…they were so sparkling…” He broke out of his trance and looked, horrified, at the captain, expecting a flogging for what he’d done.

To his surprise, Barbossa merely broke into a grin. “Hypnotized you, too, did she? ‘S all right, I’ve come to settle the score, as it were. Oh, greetings, Jack.”

Sparrow tipped his hat. “And a very lovely Mary Sue to you, Barbossa.”

“That’s captain to ye.”

“Only in this story. And may I say you look remarkably young this morning?”

Katie, at the sound of her true name, finally started out of her melancholy. “Wh-what?” she asked. “I’m…afraid you two have me mistaken for someone else. I’m only a mysterious secret companion of Tia Dalma with partial command over your ship.”

“Ye ate every last bite of the dinner meant for me,” said Barbossa conversationally. “D’ye know what would await any other crewmember for such audacity?”

Jack dug into his mush more enthusiastically than ever.

“I,” said Katie No Last Name, with a toss of her auburn locks, “am not an ordinary crewmember. You’re in love with me.”

Barbossa roared, “PROVE IT, YE SWINE!” so loudly that the cups rattled, and Jack spat out his mouthful so hard at her statement that a glob of gruel landed on the tip of her nose.
Not waiting for the inevitable whining, the captain grabbed her by the arm roughly and marched her upstairs, Jack following excitedly.

“You’ll take my suggestion, then?” he asked Barbossa.

“As IF!” put in Mary Sue. “You, Jack Sparrow, are a wicked, weak man compared to my Barbossa. He’ll never listen to you.”

“Dear lady,” said Jack Sparrow silkily, “if there is any cause in the known world that can make us agree, it’s the notion that you should get a taste of the true tragedy you seem to be hungerin’ for so very badly.”

“No one,” said Barbossa, “gives orders to my. Crew. Ye want to be in charge? I’ll give ye a whole island to rule.”

“Fine!” said Katie, crossing her arms angrily. “You’ll regret this, you’ll see. I’ll just drink rum until someone rescues me.”

“Of course you will,” said Sparrow consolingly. “We’ll just let her think it’s that island, shall we?” he muttered to Barbossa.

The answering grin would have made Katie faint if she could have seen it. “Aye, though I think we’ll forfeit the pistol, this time ‘round.”

As canon reasserted itself, Barbossa and Jack both felt themselves returning to their respective ages and in the last known timeline. They were still on the unknown ship, but all that would change shortly.

Ploosh!

“Woman overboard, sir!”

“Excellent,” said Barbossa. “Turn us around before they start stampeding.”

A while later…

“Bleaugh! Ick! Ack!” coughed Mary Sue, spitting out salt water as she waded into shore. “I should’ve been more forceful with him. That’d win his heart!” She looked at the island. “Hey, this isn’t Jack’s island. It’s much bigger. And prettier,” she said, looking happily around. “Oh, and what’s this?”

She looked delighted as a ruffled-looking dog came bounding around a rocky outcropping. “Oh, aren’t you the cutest thing! How did you get stuck here on this island? I know! I’ll adopt you forever and ever and we’ll get Barbossa back! Now, Mr. Sparkles-I’ll call you that, shall I-as your new master, I demand you show me where all the food is on this island!”

The dog seemed to hesitate, and if it could have, it would probably have shrugged its shoulders. Then it ran a few steps forward and barked in the proper direction.

“It’s that way! Oh, good. We’ll be the best of friends, you and I, and when we get off this beach…”

And that, dear reader, is where we leave the Sue to her delusions and you to your imaginations.

Tah!