(no subject)
Jenni
THANK YOU
So much...
For always cheering me up
And listening
And laughing
And caring
And being amazing
And saying things at the exact right moments, though you don't know it
I really love you more than anything
This is experimental
Don't know if it'll work
But it's time to be real
I've been feeling a little crazy lately
Well, maybe a lot
I was fine for a while
But right now I can feel my plane taking a nose-dive
Maybe I let other people impact my feelings too much
But no..
Because the only impact my friends and family have on me is to cause me happiness
For the most part
And the one person who might possibly be able to toy with my emotions... just can't that much
Because I won't allow it
I think I just have horrible cabin fever
Actually.
Now that I've said it
I'm almost positive
I am so damn stir-crazy.
But I'm even more unmotivated
Doesn't combine well
I've never been the motivated type
I only make extreme effort for things that mean a lot to me (friendships & such)
I put about half the effort I should into everything else
I see some of my best friends
See them in love
And I'm so taken aback & overwhelmed by it all
That sounds so stupid
But I can't begin to explain how true it is
I doubt love for myself
For now anyways
But to see that the people I care about the most have found that deep place with another person is really comforting
One, because it shows me that something like that really does exist, and can be experienced
Two, because it makes my friends happy and so much more, and that's amazing
I understand that when people call me crazy
Or things of that nature
It's in an affectionate way
But sometimes it bruises my esteem a bit
I know I'm different, and strange
It's wonderful to be my own person
But some of the implications about me that people send my way really do hurt sometimes
Though I don't like to show it
There's just a line that should never be crossed
Right now I find myself drifting apart from some of the people I was closest to
And growing closer to people who I was once close to, but drifted apart from in the past
You think I'd be scared
Because change just isn't my piece of cake
But actually, it doesn't scare me at all
It doesn't make me feel anything, really
Except thankful
That I'm having second chances with these friendships
Guess maybe I don't feel that appreciated anymore by some
And to find out that the people who I've not been that close to lately, that they still care, and they appreciate me more than anything... it's a relief
And right now I need to be around people who SHOW they care
Because I love for people to know that I care about them, but it gets frustrating when they never let me know it back
And selfishness?
It's a killer
A killer of all things good in the world
I can tell when people aren't really listening
And it's good to know so many people who really do
I need to do well in school
It's not even an option not to anymore
I NEED TO.
I can't let my parents down anymore
Because I've felt their disappointment so many times
It's the worst feeling in the world
And I can get good grades
I know I can.
I always have before this year
I just need to motivate myself somehow
I wasn't meant to be a failure
Nobody was
We're all here to do great things
I really want to paint tonight
But I stare at my paintbrush
Will it to make something beautiful
But it's just not in me
I guess I realized I don't believe in myself enough to be able to paint well
And there's the world to me
Insecurity
I'm afraid to break out of my mold
Afraid to try anything
Or if I try, afraid to fail
Because I DON'T believe in myself
Not much
Maybe not at all right now
I'm learning
But sometimes learning takes a long time
And you keep falling until that one time, you just get up and go
Sail with it
But I can't sail with my insecurities
They're the weight on my feet
Pulling me down
And I can't struggle
Just have to wait to break free
And until that happens
I don't think I can be involved with anyone
I really don't
Because it would make things too complicated
I don't want that anymore
I just want simple
I don't want to worry every time something happens, or something's off, that I did that something
That's so tiring
For me and the other person involved
I don't want to fall for the wrong person
Someone please tell me I'm not
Deep down I know I'm cared for in this all
But that doesn't mean that it's right
Or it'll ever be right
That is why...
I'm distancing myself for a while
Can't keep doing this
It'll be good for me, and for the other
This I know.
I'm a little screwed up inside right now
And I apologize for it
And my need for constant reasurrance
I'm really glad for all of my friends though
I guess I talk about it often
But they're really all that keep me going
And happy
They all keep me whole
And I'd die for any one of them
Without a question
I'm so touched by all of you
Every day, in every way
I think that's about it
Goodnight<3
Folks
THANK YOU
So much...
For always cheering me up
And listening
And laughing
And caring
And being amazing
And saying things at the exact right moments, though you don't know it
I really love you more than anything
This is experimental
Don't know if it'll work
But it's time to be real
I've been feeling a little crazy lately
Well, maybe a lot
I was fine for a while
But right now I can feel my plane taking a nose-dive
Maybe I let other people impact my feelings too much
But no..
Because the only impact my friends and family have on me is to cause me happiness
For the most part
And the one person who might possibly be able to toy with my emotions... just can't that much
Because I won't allow it
I think I just have horrible cabin fever
Actually.
Now that I've said it
I'm almost positive
I am so damn stir-crazy.
But I'm even more unmotivated
Doesn't combine well
I've never been the motivated type
I only make extreme effort for things that mean a lot to me (friendships & such)
I put about half the effort I should into everything else
I see some of my best friends
See them in love
And I'm so taken aback & overwhelmed by it all
That sounds so stupid
But I can't begin to explain how true it is
I doubt love for myself
For now anyways
But to see that the people I care about the most have found that deep place with another person is really comforting
One, because it shows me that something like that really does exist, and can be experienced
Two, because it makes my friends happy and so much more, and that's amazing
I understand that when people call me crazy
Or things of that nature
It's in an affectionate way
But sometimes it bruises my esteem a bit
I know I'm different, and strange
It's wonderful to be my own person
But some of the implications about me that people send my way really do hurt sometimes
Though I don't like to show it
There's just a line that should never be crossed
Right now I find myself drifting apart from some of the people I was closest to
And growing closer to people who I was once close to, but drifted apart from in the past
You think I'd be scared
Because change just isn't my piece of cake
But actually, it doesn't scare me at all
It doesn't make me feel anything, really
Except thankful
That I'm having second chances with these friendships
Guess maybe I don't feel that appreciated anymore by some
And to find out that the people who I've not been that close to lately, that they still care, and they appreciate me more than anything... it's a relief
And right now I need to be around people who SHOW they care
Because I love for people to know that I care about them, but it gets frustrating when they never let me know it back
And selfishness?
It's a killer
A killer of all things good in the world
I can tell when people aren't really listening
And it's good to know so many people who really do
I need to do well in school
It's not even an option not to anymore
I NEED TO.
I can't let my parents down anymore
Because I've felt their disappointment so many times
It's the worst feeling in the world
And I can get good grades
I know I can.
I always have before this year
I just need to motivate myself somehow
I wasn't meant to be a failure
Nobody was
We're all here to do great things
I really want to paint tonight
But I stare at my paintbrush
Will it to make something beautiful
But it's just not in me
I guess I realized I don't believe in myself enough to be able to paint well
And there's the world to me
Insecurity
I'm afraid to break out of my mold
Afraid to try anything
Or if I try, afraid to fail
Because I DON'T believe in myself
Not much
Maybe not at all right now
I'm learning
But sometimes learning takes a long time
And you keep falling until that one time, you just get up and go
Sail with it
But I can't sail with my insecurities
They're the weight on my feet
Pulling me down
And I can't struggle
Just have to wait to break free
And until that happens
I don't think I can be involved with anyone
I really don't
Because it would make things too complicated
I don't want that anymore
I just want simple
I don't want to worry every time something happens, or something's off, that I did that something
That's so tiring
For me and the other person involved
I don't want to fall for the wrong person
Someone please tell me I'm not
Deep down I know I'm cared for in this all
But that doesn't mean that it's right
Or it'll ever be right
That is why...
I'm distancing myself for a while
Can't keep doing this
It'll be good for me, and for the other
This I know.
I'm a little screwed up inside right now
And I apologize for it
And my need for constant reasurrance
I'm really glad for all of my friends though
I guess I talk about it often
But they're really all that keep me going
And happy
They all keep me whole
And I'd die for any one of them
Without a question
I'm so touched by all of you
Every day, in every way
I think that's about it
Goodnight<3
Folks