anniversaries and little victories
So yesterday was the 15th anniversary of my mom's death. Usually, this is a very difficult time of year for me for obvious reasons but also made worse by my mood disorder. This year, I was surprised when the 27th rolled in and I was still standing. It was like it snuck in the back door when I wasn't paying attention and as I went to write the date, it jumped out from behind the curtains. But, more importantly, it didn't scare me like it used to. Actually, I ended up spending the marjority of my day out and about as opposed to crying in bed for days at a time. I did laundry at the MIL's and even went grocery shopping afterwards. As mundane as it sounds, it felt good to be out there and unaffected. I feel like I've made so much progress but at the same time I'm unsure if I owe this calm to my truly amazing psychologist or the fistful of medication I have to take each day. That's the thing about being bipolar, you never quite know which is your doing and which is the pills. I haven't had a panic attack in close to a month; I haven't taken anxiety medication in three weeks or so. And despite that week in bed a couple weeks ago, I've been pretty stable. I'm very proud of myself--one must take these little victories and hold on them as long as you can because they are what keep you going when the next storm front moves in.
I've been exercising in the form of a mile and a half walk each morning at 6am. I began to have some back issues which soon travelled down my right left yesterday and in the process of trying to loosen everything up I inadvertently overstreched my hip which resulted in excruciating pain when I walk so I had to skip today. I was pretty bummed; still am. I'm hoping I can loosen things back up today and get back on that pony tomorrow. Nic and I have both lost a few pounds already so I'm eager to keep going.
We are quickly approaching my first appointment with the new shrink (June 1st) and the intake appointment for the outpatient program (June 7) so I am eager to see what the cards hold for both those meetings--really just hoping that I can get in early for the outpatient program so I don't miss out on a month of pay as my EI benefits run out mid-July. At the same time I'd like to be well for a month before going back. There's no point if I'm not going to be able to maintain. I hope to regain some confidence, as well. At this point I am a little scared when I think about going back to work. It's just going to take some time and I'll get there eventually.