calgon, take me away
I left work early yesterday and came home and slept all day long. I can't sleep at night and I don't want to do anything. I arrived at work at 6:30 and made the coffee for the meeting, waited until it was over and then said, I'm going home. I feel like shit. They, thankfully, did not give me a tough time. I did watch Angel but I was pretty much out of it and just sort of sat there watching, grasping some things but mostly just staring at the screen. Funks, man. They suck.
I went to the doctor today, something I never, ever do because not only do I hate doctors in general, my doctor sucks ass. But he surprised me today. He actually sat down and talked to me, asked me questions and actually gave me something to help me instead of just a pat on the back and a "You'll be fine. Buck up." He didn't like that I haven't had a decent sleep in well over a month, that I'm lethargic, my head is a constant migraine. He didn't ask me about depression which I'm glad for because I'm just not going there. Maybe I'll bring it up when I go back in a month if things haven't don't improve. It's just this time of year. Or, specifically, it's one year since the Badness that happened between me and M. and I've never really dealt with it and I definitely haven't come to terms with it. So most nights, that's on my mind as I try to go to sleep. The guilt, the sadness, the loss. But whatever, I'll be fine. Always am. Buck up is right.
So he asked if I was worried or stressed about anything. And I replied that he should name something and there's a good chance that I'm worrying about it. I said I'm worried about what you're thinking as I tell you all this. He just sort of looked at me like I had ten heads and I didn't bother to tell him that I would now wonder for the rest of the afternoon what that look meant when even I know, it meant nothing. We talked about work where stress abounds, especially since Dana started (new manager of my department). I can not stand her. I think she's the devil. She's condescending and manipulative and I want to beat her within an inch of her life, let her recover and then beat her some more. Or I want her to quit. Either one is fine by me.
Apparently she went home sick as well yesterday due to a severe migraine. She came to work today and before lunch, she calls me and asks if BF and I are going out to get something. Me being stupid said yeah, why and she says she doesn't think she should drive so I can get her lunch for her. She'll bring down money and a list of different places that she'll eat food from. Uh, what? I did it because hello, I'm a sucker but I was also so flabbergasted by the whole thing that I just said yes while BF is waving her hands, mouthing NO and she didn't even know what it was about yet. I got her lunch regardless, I got a thanks (oooh!) but she asked for no onions so I told them extra. ;) Wee bit evil. Not evil enough, though. Must work on that.
When I came back to the office, everyone knew and they were all stunned and then the joking started. Heather, will you pick me up my dry cleaning? Heather, I spilled coffee, can you come clean it up? Heather, I'm moving this weekend, be my mule. Heather, I don't think I can feed myself, you do it. And on and on. It's funny...it is. I mean, if I didn't laugh about it, I'd be bullshit. But if she asks again, I go into the Big Man and tell him. I'm not her fucking gopher. I'm an assistant to the membership department, not to her. And especially not to get her lunch when she seemed quite capable of driving herself to work and home from work. Please, I'm so tired my eyes keep crossing and I keep zoning out in the open-eyed sleep thing that I do but yet, sure, I'll go get your lunch which is FIVE fucking minutes down the street. Cow. I hate her.
So, yeah, stress at work. Stress over school, money, relationships, whatever. So he gave me anti-anxiety medicine. See how that works out. Have to get blood taken on Saturday and that's about that. I should probably cut this but fuck it.
I went to the doctor today, something I never, ever do because not only do I hate doctors in general, my doctor sucks ass. But he surprised me today. He actually sat down and talked to me, asked me questions and actually gave me something to help me instead of just a pat on the back and a "You'll be fine. Buck up." He didn't like that I haven't had a decent sleep in well over a month, that I'm lethargic, my head is a constant migraine. He didn't ask me about depression which I'm glad for because I'm just not going there. Maybe I'll bring it up when I go back in a month if things haven't don't improve. It's just this time of year. Or, specifically, it's one year since the Badness that happened between me and M. and I've never really dealt with it and I definitely haven't come to terms with it. So most nights, that's on my mind as I try to go to sleep. The guilt, the sadness, the loss. But whatever, I'll be fine. Always am. Buck up is right.
So he asked if I was worried or stressed about anything. And I replied that he should name something and there's a good chance that I'm worrying about it. I said I'm worried about what you're thinking as I tell you all this. He just sort of looked at me like I had ten heads and I didn't bother to tell him that I would now wonder for the rest of the afternoon what that look meant when even I know, it meant nothing. We talked about work where stress abounds, especially since Dana started (new manager of my department). I can not stand her. I think she's the devil. She's condescending and manipulative and I want to beat her within an inch of her life, let her recover and then beat her some more. Or I want her to quit. Either one is fine by me.
Apparently she went home sick as well yesterday due to a severe migraine. She came to work today and before lunch, she calls me and asks if BF and I are going out to get something. Me being stupid said yeah, why and she says she doesn't think she should drive so I can get her lunch for her. She'll bring down money and a list of different places that she'll eat food from. Uh, what? I did it because hello, I'm a sucker but I was also so flabbergasted by the whole thing that I just said yes while BF is waving her hands, mouthing NO and she didn't even know what it was about yet. I got her lunch regardless, I got a thanks (oooh!) but she asked for no onions so I told them extra. ;) Wee bit evil. Not evil enough, though. Must work on that.
When I came back to the office, everyone knew and they were all stunned and then the joking started. Heather, will you pick me up my dry cleaning? Heather, I spilled coffee, can you come clean it up? Heather, I'm moving this weekend, be my mule. Heather, I don't think I can feed myself, you do it. And on and on. It's funny...it is. I mean, if I didn't laugh about it, I'd be bullshit. But if she asks again, I go into the Big Man and tell him. I'm not her fucking gopher. I'm an assistant to the membership department, not to her. And especially not to get her lunch when she seemed quite capable of driving herself to work and home from work. Please, I'm so tired my eyes keep crossing and I keep zoning out in the open-eyed sleep thing that I do but yet, sure, I'll go get your lunch which is FIVE fucking minutes down the street. Cow. I hate her.
So, yeah, stress at work. Stress over school, money, relationships, whatever. So he gave me anti-anxiety medicine. See how that works out. Have to get blood taken on Saturday and that's about that. I should probably cut this but fuck it.