(no subject)

[heartupinsmoke]

I woke up this morning after a vividly heartbreaking dream and realized that I desperately need a change. I'm so unhappy with so many things about myself right now. This summer is going to be the summer where I get my shit together. I finally need to get off my ass and lose this school weight. Only healthy activities will be permitted this summer (with dancing as an incentive for good behavior!). Also, as much as a I try, I really dislike being social. It sounds awful but... I have a very difficult time being comfortable in social situations. Perhaps it's certain people and situations that cause me anxiety. And I'm trying to figure out a way to implement new people and situations. I really do want to meet new people or make better pals with certain acquaintances but it's very difficult for me. I am a nervous, uneasy person in general and I tend to clam up around new people because I so very much seek approval. Sigh. This is difficult for me to elucidate but I have this constant struggle with two different sides of myself. I never feel cohesive. And it's driving me crazy. This summer I am going to try to make peace and relax and just be myself. If people don't like it, then so be it.

I miss Los Angeles like crazy. I crave nothing more than to jump in a car and drive down there by my lonesome.