- Demons in the Clouds < ByouxKazuki > Ch4 -

[heartsthatflies]

Title: Demons in the Clouds
Chapter: 4
Author: heartsthatflies
Genre: Fluff, romance, angst, drama
Rating: NC-13
Warnings: Malexmale relationship, language
Pairings: ByouxKazuki
Disclaimer: SCREW belongs to themselves, the pictures I don’t own either. This story is pure fiction. Any similarities to real life is coincidence alone.
Summary: When it becomes too much to bear, when it becomes too hard to breathe, will you breathe for me?
Synopsis: “Don’t say you understand. You didn’t have to go through every day watching him struggle to even breathe.”  Kazuki's eyes were burning. The worst part was that there was nothing any of them could do to help him at that time. “Don’t say you understand.”


Chapter 4

Byou and Rui spent most of the evening talking about all sort of none-important things. Byou realized pretty soon that the bassist hadn’t come here to try and talk serious matters with him, at least not yet, and he was grateful for it. It was an ease to his mind to talk about lighter topics instead.

When time started to get near midnight they had sat quiet for a while and Byou felt calmer than he had done in weeks. It was partly because of the alcohol too, he guessed.

As the silence past on for another few minutes Byou felt a tension rise inside him. He felt somewhat like the other waited for him to speak…

“Rui…” He started, but then his voice failed him. He didn’t even know what he wanted to say. Rui looked attentively at him for a few moments, then spoke in a calm voice.

“You’re last name isn’t what you told us, is it?”

Byou looked down at his bottle as he spun it around in his hands. As he had suspected Rui knew more than he had let him know. “Do you know what it is?”

“Kawada.” Rui said and looked calmly at him. “Actually, my father is kind of a friend of your father. My dad works with politics, so that’s how they met.” Rui said but Byou was too surprised for the words to sink in just yet. “I hope you don’t freak out about it but I’ve known who you are before you knew me. I met you and your dad years ago at a dinner party of a common friend’s place.” Rui said and smiled gently.

Byou looked at him with a kind of surprised expression. This was unexpected to say the least. Rui saw him at a dinner party, a couple of years ago. Byou couldn’t even remember…

“You’re not a person you forget easily, you know.” Rui chuckled.

Byou looked down at the half empty beer bottle in his hand as he suddenly realized what dinner Rui was talking about. It wasn’t like he was with his dad on dinner parties often, of course he remembered.

Suits, fancy dresses and kimono’s were everywhere he looked. The party was held in a fancy suburb area near where he lived, the huge old fashioned house was fancily decorated. Flower arrangements were in overflow and the rooms were filled with different themes of decoration. The house was also full of people. People with fake smiles, fake laughs, fake nails, fake hair, lying and manipulating people were all around him. He hated it so much he could puke on the spot.

He looked down at his wrist watch and let out a frustrated sigh. Only two hours had passed since he got there and they hadn’t even sat down to eat yet.

“Are you in a hurry?”

At the sound of the voice Byou shivered inwards. Fuck you…

“No.” he said bluntly, avoiding his father’s piercing look. He had made him go here under the impression it was just a dinner, then they would go home, but he had been plain stupid not to realize it was a fucking trap. His father did a good job in trying to convert him into one of these people, but Byou saw hell freezing over more quickly than him fitting into that world.

“You are putting of a horrible impression of yourself, get yourself together and act like a grown up for once in your life.”

“Oh, because putting on a fake smile and walk around and kiss ass is all what being a grown up is about?” He said loudly which made the couple of men standing closest to them turn their heads.

He felt sick. Sick of the all the pressure in the air. It was suffocating.

“Watch it.” his father hissed and leaned closer, but he stood his ground. He was used to his threats, his father didn’t get anywhere with them. ”You know that the only reason you can still fool around like a child is because I let you. Don’t forget that I can just as easily destroy it.”

“No matter how much you try you won’t ever be able to turn me into one of these fake ass-kissing people.” Byou said, he did his best to control his temper but he was already shaking with anger. They already got the attention by several people around them.

Smack.

His face was turned rapidly to the side by the sudden impact of his father’s hand and he stumbled several steps backwards. His light brown hair covered most of his face because of the sudden motion. First he was surprised, because he would never think his father would lay a hand on him in front of so many people, but the surprise rapidly turned in to pure fury. He was about to do something he had never done before, and never thought he would do. His anger was exploding, all his emotions clouded all ration within him. He launched forward and was just about to swing his fist when something, or rather someone wrapped their arms around his waist and tugged him backwards with such force it knocked the breath out of him.

Coughing and unstable by the sudden change of events and direction he swaggered, but was held tightly around the waist by a strong, unknown presence. If he hadn’t struggled to breathe properly as the other led him out on a balcony he would have tried to hit whoever dared touch him.

Out in the fresh evening air bent forward and coughed a few more times before he rapidly turned around to see who the other was. To his surprise it actually was a complete stranger, around the same age as himself. He was sure it was Yamada…

“Who the fuck are you?!” he said furiously.

“It doesn’t matter, just calm down out here and then either leave or go back inside be fake and kiss ass.” The other said calmly, a hint of amusement where heard in his voice.”Good luck.”

He was too shocked to do anything as the other disappeared inside again.

Byou’s eyes widened in surprise as he now realized who that person was.

“It was you.”

“Yeah, it was me.” Rui said and smiled gently, suspecting what scene just played in Byou’s head.

“Why haven’t I realized it before?” Byou asked himself more rather than anyone else.

Rui remained quiet and let the other collect his thoughts for a few minutes, until the vocalist started talking again.

“My father wants me to take over the company.”

Rui looked at him with a sorrowful gaze. He would have guessed as much already, it was kind of obvious since Byou was the eldest brother and with the memory of that event in his mind he had figured out as much. “And you don’t want to.” He stated the obvious.

“No.” He said. “But if I don’t the company will probably go under.”

Rui thought for a few seconds, then started to talk slowly. “Byou. If it’s one thing I’ve learned by being around these types of people, it’s that they would never just let it be. Even if you don’t take over, I’m confident that you’re father will find a suitable heir.”

“He refuses to do that, and it will be my fault when thousands and thousands of people gets into trouble.” Byou said with a heavy daze in his voice. “I can’t live with myself if that would happen.”

Rui still looked at him with a deeply analyzing look. “It wouldn’t be your decision, therefore not your fault either. It’s your father’s company. It’s your father’s choice, right?”

“It’s his company, but-” Byou started, but didn’t finish.

“Then how can it be your fault?” Rui cut him off.

Byou ‘s mind absorbed the other’s words as a sponge and then thoughts went through his mind as a hey fire. He froze and just started at him for several minutes. He hadn’t thought about it that way, and he was taken aback by the sudden change of view. “Because I didn’t take over, it’s my fault.” He tried.

“No it’s not.” Rui said simply.

“Yes it is.” Byou said, but with far less confidence as before. He could feel something lifting; he could feel something inside him changing and shifting, as if it slowly became easier to breathe. “It is my fault, because I can’t take over.” He repeated, but it didn’t sound as right anymore. Maybe it wasn’t his fault? He had never thought about it any other way.

“Look.” Rui said. “As a matter of a fact, whatever your father does with his company is his choice. It has nothing to do with you. I know its family honor binding you to it, but that’s a whole other thing. That’s only between you, your father and family. It has nothing to do with the company.”

“But…” Byou started slowly, his mind still wrapped itself around the meaning of this. He wanted to argue, but he didn’t know how to and it baffled him. “But…” he tried again, but words failed him.

“See.” Rui said with a gentle smile. “You know I’m right, and I know you want to argue but there’s nothing to argue, because I also know I’m right.”

Somehow the world had suddenly changed in Byou’s eyes. It felt different but he didn’t know how to handle it. It wasn’t completely his fault...

Rui watched the other carefully and was relieved when he saw the change in him. He saw that he had understood his point of view and actually agreed with it, deep down. It would take him a while to get used to the thought, but Rui saw in his eyes that he comprehended the facts he gave him.

“Thank you.” Byou said and smiled warmly at him. The bassist smiled and then finished his bottle of beer.

“I’m going home now, you should get some sleep.”

Byou also finished his bottle and put it down on the floor in front of him. “Yeah…”

“Do you want to talk about Yuuto?” Rui asked carefully. He knew how hard him leaving the band had affected the vocalist, but he didn’t know what was going on inside his head right then or how he felt about it all.

“No.” Byou said and stood up. “It’s fine, I was just…”

“It was too sudden?” Rui said and stood up too.

“It was too much at once. I’ve been having too much in my head already and when he came it just… exploded into… something.” He said and rearranged some parts in his unstyled hair. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” Rui said, wishing that the other would give himself a rest. “Sometimes such things happen, it’s not your fault.” Everything is not your fault…

It was little comfort for the vocalist, he still felt bad about how he rushed out of there like that. Because Yuuto was back, he was standing right there. He was okay…

“Hey.” Rui said and the sudden haze in the vocalist’s eyes vanished. “Go to bed and get some rest. And would you do me a favor?”

“What?”

“Give yourself a break, would you?”

“I’ll do my best.” Byou said and smiled. “Thank you…” he continued. “For everything.”
For coming, for saving him that day many years ago, for saving their band. He had a lot to thank for.

“You’re welcome” He said and smiled gently at him. He got ready and then left the apartment a few minutes later, after he left Byou fell asleep surprisingly fast.

In another part of town Kazuki was far from sleeping. He sat together with Manabu, Jin and Yuuto in an Izakaya. It was a form of bar combined with a restaurant where you could get your own room and you can order both food and drinks. The room they had been given were quite small since they were only four people. They sat on cushions by the low table, dinner since long finished and now they were just talking and drinking. So far they had avoided any deep subjects, but all of them felt that it became more and more unavoidable.

“Yuuto-” Jin started but at the same second their former bassist said “I’m-” and they both fell silent, smiling faintly. “Go ahead.” Jin said.

“I wish I could go back in time and change how I left. I understand how horrible it must have been for you and-”

“No.” Kazuki interrupted abruptly and slammed his glass onto the table. “No, you don’t understand. You weren’t there.” His eyes focused on the glass then. “You have no idea.”

“I’m sorry.” Yuuto said quietly. “I’m really sorry. If I could go back in time and change it, I would.”

“We all make mistakes.” Jin said calmly and put his hand on his shoulder, watching Kazuki’s ridgid form relax a bit again. He understood how he felt too, so he didn’t blame him. He turned his gaze to Yuuto then. “The most important thing right now is that you are here and want to make up for it.”

“You broke him.” Kazuki said darkly, anger flaring up within and he couldn’t help himself anymore. “When you disappeared like that Byou fell down so badly he almost couldn’t get up again. We were on the brink of losing him, losing the band and everything we have worked for so hard, because of what you did.”

Yuuto looked down at the table and avoided Kazuki’s burning eyes. He had every right to be angry, they all should be.

“If Rui hadn’t showed up as a last minute saving angel SCREW wouldn’t exist today, because Byou was done already, he had no motivation what so ever.”

The words burned Yuuto as if they were heated up steel burning into his flesh. He nodded faintly.

“Don’t say you understand. You didn’t have to go through every day watching him struggle to even breathe.” and the worst part was that there was nothing any of them could do to help him at that time. “Don’t say you understand.”

“I’m really sorry.” Yuuto said weakly.

Kazuki looked at him for a short while, then just nodded briefly and attempted to empty his glass of alcohol, but was stopped halfway by a hand taking away the glass.

“Easy on that stuff.” Manabu said and put it back in front of him. He was already drunk, it was easy to tell.

“I’m happy you’re back Yuuto.” Kazuki said quietly. “But it will take me a while…” he said but seemed to lose track of what he wanted to say, or how to say it. “It will take me a while to forgive you.”

Yuuto nodded again and spun his glass in his hand. “I don’t expect any of you to just forgive me like that, but believe me when I say I’m sorry for what I did.”

“We do believe you.” Jin said and pet him on the shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. We will just take it in small steps. Calm and easy, and we will sort this mess out. It’s for the best for all of us, I think.”

Manabu nodded and shot him a smile across the table. “Byou will come around, he just needs a bit of time. Don’t worry too much Yuuto.”

“You’re all too kind to me.” Their former bassist said as a sad smile shooed over his face. “Thank you.”

Jin gently nudged his shoulder. “You’re like family, and even if you make mistakes we will always do our best to solve it again. Even Byou.”

It marked the end of the evening when the last train was soon about to depart, because none of them felt like staying out all night. Definitely not…

---

“It was always you and Kazuki.” Yuuto said angrily. “You and him, him and you. Like we used to be. When we started SCREW, I did it because I wanted to be with you. I wanted to stay with you, because I love you and always have.” he said and his voice was shaking by now. The two of them had been left alone in the practice room and Byou stood like transfixed over by the windows. He had got a good night sleep, but his mind still seemed to slow and foggy to comprehend everything, to understand.

“But you never saw that. You never see anything but Kazuki since he came along.”

Byou was speechless. Had Yuuto… Had he been… what Byou thought he meant…?

“I gave up on you, and I tried to make it work.. trust me when I say I did my best to get over you but I just couldn’t… So I left.” when he said those last words tears started running down his cheeks. “I left because it hurt too much to stay. I left without saying anything about it, and I shut you out because I figured it would be easier for you to be angry with me than to know the truth. It’s not like I wanted to force you into something-”

“Yuuto-” Byou walked quick steps towards the younger, making even more tears fall and the younger’s face turned to the side to avoid his gaze.

“-and I wouldn’t want to put something like that on your shoulders, it wouldn’t be fair for you-”

“Yuuto!” Byou interrupted, now so close to the other he could see the tears still sticking to his long lashes. “You are an idiot!” he said shakily. This was really shocking for him to hear. Disbelief, sadness and frustration mixed together to a mess inside him. “You’re an idiot!! What the hell were you thinking?!” he said again even louder, hands became tight fists. Why hadn’t he said anything?!

“I know.” Yuuto said and took a strong hold on the tensed up hands, breaking the fists apart and held the shaking hands in a tight grip instead. “I thought I would never tell you, but…”

“Yuuto…” he said desperately, much weaker.

It was like a signal the bassist had waited for, when he lost the tension in his body and mind alike the taller man took a step forward and embraced him in a tight hug. Byou felt as if his own body wasn’t his anymore, like he was watching from far away. It was so unreal. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m so sorry Byou. I’m so sorry.” Yuuto whispered. “I wish I could go back and change the past, I never meant to hurt you so badly. I’m sorry. I thought I did the right thing.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Byou said a bit more firm, why didn’t he answer the question?

“Because.” Yuuto said and released the vocalist again. “You were already in love.” A sad smile shooed over his lips.

Byou stared at him, trying to make sense out of the words. “No I wasn’t.”

“Yes you were and still are, I can tell easily.” Yuuto said and reached his hand up and stroke his cheek. “I loved you from the moment we first met, but I was always content just being with you. I knew you didn’t love me back in that way, but as long as I was with you it was fine, and I was happy. Then our band disbanded, and for a while I was scared I was going to lose you. Then we got the perfect opportunity to work together again which was a great relief.”

Byou stood quietly and observed him, his expression almost blank, but his brain was working franticly.

“Then, Kazuki came along and you slowly fell in love with him. I could easily tell, because I know you, I can read your feelings easily after all these years.”

“You should have told me.” Byou said with a hollow voice. “You should have told me.”

“I wanted to avoid giving you the hurt of this, like the way you are hurting right now-”

Byou snapped his head up and his eyes turned fierce. “You think this is hurting? This is nothing compared on how I was feeling when you fucking disappeared from the face of the earth!” He said furiously. “I had so many questions I couldn’t take it. I have been so scared something had happened to you, but I’ve been comforting myself with the thought that your parents maybe would call me if you had died.”

Yuuto’s eyes widened and he clapped his hand over his mouth, maybe for the first time realizing just what he had done to the vocalist. He quickly walked up to the elder and embraced him in a tight hug, grateful that the other let him. “I’m so sorry.” He said, and he had never been more sorry for anything in his lifetime.

Byou let himself be calmed down by his words and presence, slowly allowing himself to be comforted by the other’s words. He didn’t still fully grasp what had been told, but he let himself be calmed. He guided his arms up, wrapped them around the waist of the younger and hugged back, drawing a small whimper from the other. “I’m sorry too.” The vocalist said quietly.

The practice room was in total silence, neither of the men let go for a while. Byou then released his grip and backed away.

“I need some time.” He said quietly then turned around and walked out through the door. The other’s sat in the common area a bit further away from the elevators, so they saw the vocalist stop and press the button to go down.

“That was awfully quick.” Manabu said quietly and got up from his seat, quickly followed by the others. He thought they would spend hours talking, he for sure knew they needed to. Kazuki was first to reach the vocalist, but he passed him and ran into the practice room.

The other’s followed him but when they just reached the door in it opened and Kazuki came out again with his bag.

“I’ll go with him. Talk to you later.” Then he rushed off and was just in time for the elevator. Byou didn’t say anything, so the guitarist just followed him into it and stood quietly by his side.

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