(no subject)
What was I thinking?
I'm laughing. Because right now, I'm so mixed up, I don't know what the hell I want. I tried eating normally, the scale kept going up and up. I was only eating 1000 calories. I can't do it. I consider this my crutch. And I can't survive without my crutch right now. I'm getting sucked back in but I want it. I want it all. I overate today and yesterday and I stepped on the scale to see the number 150 and I just curled up and cried. I cried and cried and then fell asleep and dreampt of skinny, beautiful people, and bones and calories and I woke up and I knew what was missing.
Maybe I'll get better soon, but I'm just too stressed to try to right now. I'm always so emmbarrassed to have people read my entries because I soud like a fucking schizophrenic. I say I won't binge, I binge. I say I"m getting better, 2 days later I'm back saying I can't. Forgive me, everyone, I'm just a twisted, confused little girl. I want to be skinny. Is that so hard?
Starting tommorow it's 600 calories per day, along with anything else that I burn off when I exercise. I guess it's a sort of inbetween plan, giving me a little more leeway so I won't binge. So I messed up already, but not totally, and my little bet to myself is still on. 3 weeks without a real binge and I'll be the happiest girl in the worrrrrlllddd.. I love my family and my supporters here on this journal. Who else would accept me when I'm whiny, bitchy and have no idea what the fuck I want.
I really appreciate you people more than you could ever understand. This has been a hard year.
I'm laughing. Because right now, I'm so mixed up, I don't know what the hell I want. I tried eating normally, the scale kept going up and up. I was only eating 1000 calories. I can't do it. I consider this my crutch. And I can't survive without my crutch right now. I'm getting sucked back in but I want it. I want it all. I overate today and yesterday and I stepped on the scale to see the number 150 and I just curled up and cried. I cried and cried and then fell asleep and dreampt of skinny, beautiful people, and bones and calories and I woke up and I knew what was missing.
Maybe I'll get better soon, but I'm just too stressed to try to right now. I'm always so emmbarrassed to have people read my entries because I soud like a fucking schizophrenic. I say I won't binge, I binge. I say I"m getting better, 2 days later I'm back saying I can't. Forgive me, everyone, I'm just a twisted, confused little girl. I want to be skinny. Is that so hard?
Starting tommorow it's 600 calories per day, along with anything else that I burn off when I exercise. I guess it's a sort of inbetween plan, giving me a little more leeway so I won't binge. So I messed up already, but not totally, and my little bet to myself is still on. 3 weeks without a real binge and I'll be the happiest girl in the worrrrrlllddd.. I love my family and my supporters here on this journal. Who else would accept me when I'm whiny, bitchy and have no idea what the fuck I want.
I really appreciate you people more than you could ever understand. This has been a hard year.