Life kind of Sucks....
I'm not one to usually write in this thing an angst but at the moment I need an outlet. I'm kinda tired of talking to my family and censoring what I have to say to a degree. I'm also afraid I'm going to start to forget the last few months forget how it all happened and I don't want that. It sucked but I don't want to forget.
The last few months have more then sucked in fact they've been hellish. If I live to a 112 I believe (And really really really hope) that I will never have such a bad run of just fuckedupedness.
I guess it started this summer it seems like a freaking life time ago when my great grandfather took a turn for the worse (He lives about 6 hours away). He was 93 so it wasn't unexpected but still sad. A quick trip to see my Papa settled into Hospice and to say my goodbyes in July. He lived for several more months after but even in July he didn't know who I was and I made the decision not to go back, not to see him again. I'm OK with that decision. I don't think he would have wanted any of us to sit around and wait at his bedside. In the end he was tired and ready to go be with Grams, they died nearly 10 years to the day apart...
Fathers day my dad had a massive heart attack.( It's his 4th). First he was in North Carolina (where he was working at the time) but then he was home in Florida. He has type 2 diabetes and he hasn't been watching his diet or taking medication and because of that the arteries in his heart got smaller and they didn't think they would be able to do anything at all for him. So they released him loaded him up on meds and basically told him good luck.
I made a visit in July and was informed once I got there he had also had a mild stroke. No one in my fucking family wanted to apparently tell me about this, including my father. While visiting I made them all promise they would keep me more up to date with what is going on. And they swore they would. I went back home on a Monday (I live in Georgia) I called that night and didn't talk to him. Nor did I get a hold of someone on Tuesday or Wednesday. This is normal as no one in my family apparently likes to answer their fucking phone on return calls.
On Thursday I got a call and found out that on Monday (BEFORE I HAD EVEN LEFT THE STATE!!!!) My dad had ANOTHER heart attack and no one in my family had wanted to call until they could give me his "Prognosis." My dad called and proceeded to start saying his goodbyes and telling me he would hold on until I got there. I needless to say freaked the fuck out. I started calling my Aunt J. (The only non dramatic person in my family. Like for real) repeatedly until she answered and I was told;d that my dad was going into surgery but it was nowhere near as bad as he made it seem.... She's a nurse and she'd found a doctor willing to attempt to clean the 4 stints he already had and add 2 more. It was a risky surgery but in the end it worked out. He got better. Got out of the hospital and was actually able to start working again.
The next 2 months were low on the Health Drama but high on the Work and Family Drama. Work picked up majorly, I was for all of August, September, and October working 3 jobs Monday through Friday 10-12 hour days Weekends 3-4 hour days. On the family Drama side....
My "Brother" (Technically he's my uncle from my grandfather on my mother's side's second marriage but he's only 3 years older then me so I say he's my brother frequently to simplify things) got married. He and his wife have 4 kids together (2 from her previous marriage and then Twin boys that will be 1 in February). His wife is from Brazil and through a mess up by her lawyer is now being deported... I've been helping out whenever I can (Usually babysitting) while they try and appeal. If she gets deported she's taking all 4 kids with her and that would just suck... Just so much...
October brought another health scare for my dad. It started with a cough, he went to the doctor and they said he had bronchitis and gave him antibiotics. It only got worse... So he went back, this time they thought he had pneumonia so they admitted him. to do some testing. He did have pneumonia but there was something on the Chest x-ray that the Dr. didn't like so he did more testing...
Pulmonary Fibrosis. That was the diagnosis. Incurable... And my dads was surprisingly advanced, he'd probably had it for years but no doctor had noticed... My dad got worse and worse every time I talked to him... I hated calling because I never got any kind of good news. He was always getting sicker and weaker and I hate it.
Doctors passed around words like Nursing Home and Home Care and in the end he was home on full time oxygen with a homecare nurse the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.
I was supposed to be in Florida for Thanksgiving but the Monday before (Nov 22nd) my Papa passed... Dad understood and I made plans and Bought a ticket to go see him on December 9th. My Aunt and I left Tuesday (Nov 23rd) morning and drove to Cinic where my Great grandfather would be buried (On Saturday (Nov 27th)). We met up with my grandmother (Her dad is whom passed) and had dinner stayed the night and Wednesday morning traveled 4 hours north to where the rest of our family lives. I got to have Thanksgiving with my mom unexpectedly which was good and I was majorly homesick so it was nice to spend Wednesday and Thursday at home.
Thursday Morning (Nove 25th), Thanksgiving my Uncle D. Called, he said I had to get down to Florida now. That my dad had taken a turn for the worse. My Grandmother (Dad's Mom) called and told me I needed to get down there as well. I hold back my panic and call my Aunt J. she says that yes its gotten worse but no I don't need to come down, she told me she would call me when and if I needed to come down.
Friday (Nov 26th) We drove 4 hours back to Cinci. Spent some time with family reminiscing. Saturday was the funeral.
The entire funeral all I could think was "Is this going to be me in a few weeks..." I looked around and just felt lonely.... My great Grandfather passed and My Grandma and her brothers leaned on each other. They have each other to remember Papa. When we were standing at the grave site people seemed to pair off Siblings and spouses and I just stood sort of dumbly next to my mom.
I think thats the hardest part for me is I feel like I'm all alone in this. I have people there to support me but its not the same... Maybe I'm just being dumb about it... The people that are grieving like I am (Dad's side of the family) Don't really know me. We aren't close and I don't feel like I can let myself feel anything in front of them... The people that know me (My mom's side of the family and my friends) aren't grieving they don't know my dad, my parents have been divorced since I was 6 and separated since I was 4. They feel for me but they don't really feel it with me...
Anyway... So Saturday was the funeral Sunday my Aunt and I drove the 7ish hours back to GA. Monday (Nov 30th) my Aunt J. called and told me that I needed to make plans to get down there. My dad's fibrosis is Aggressive and had spread so badly the only option he had at that point was a lung transplant. But none of the hospitals that do Transplants would accept him as a transfer patient. He would have to go through the evaluation as an outpatient and the doctors didn't think he would ever be well enough to get out of the hospital.
I made the 8 hour drive on Thursday December 2nd. I spent pretty much the entire time visiting with my dad in the hospital and by the time I left that Sunday he was 100 times better, the doctor said it was a miracle. All of a sudden he had hope of possibly getting a transplant.
He got out of the Hospital and made it home on the 7th. I flew back down on the 9th and was there until the 13th, it was a good time. He taught me to make Pork Curry we hung out watched movies I took him shopping once. The 13th (the day I left) he had his first appointment at Shands (Hospital in Gainesville) for Evaluation to see if he could get on the transplant list. It went great and he was scheduled for the second Evaluation which was supposed to take place on the 18th.
Originally I was supposed to spend Christmas back home in Ohio, but because of my dad's health decided to spend it in Florida with my dad. I had already bought a ticket to Ohio though so I flew up for a short visit, I got ther on the 21st at 7PM and flew out at 7AM on the 24th.
I don't think I'll ever forget walking into my Uncles House where my dad was staying. He was sitting up at the table just the Nasal Cannula in Grinning and wrapping presents while Christmas music played. Christmas is my dad's favorite holiday.
He made a feast for dinner (By made I mean he ordered my uncle and around while he sat at the table.) Lobster tail Shrimp and steak for dinner >8). He'd gotten the lobster and shrimp on sale and had been saving them in the freezer for a special occasion.
Christmas day we slept in then headed to NSB to see the rest of our family, had dinner at my Aunt J and Uncle C's and then headed home to open presents. My dad had already given me a coat for Christmas but he has pursaded my Uncle R to take him shopping and got me more. He got my Jewelry making books and tools and some clothes and a nice set of sheets...
the 26th I headed back to NSB to visit Family, Dad stayed home because he was tired out. I made it home that night and he didn't look good, said we would go to the doctor tomorrow if he wasn't feeling better.
I woke up at 6AM on the 27th to a banging noise and then a yell for "Help" I ran down stairs and my dad told me to wake my uncle and call 911. We did. The ambulance came and got him.
I spent the day with him in the ER he got a room in ICU the next day. I went home on the 19th and he said he'd be better in time to go to Shands. He was not.
His condition has only gotten worse and on Monday (Jan 24th) the doctor laid it all out for him. He had 2 choices, he could be intubated and put on a vent or go to Hospice.
My dad chose Hospice. He got there on Wednesday and I had to call and convince him to sign a DNR. Which sucked. This all sucks. I told him I loved him and I wasn't disappointed or mad at him for choosing Hospice. He's tired and in pain and the doctor doesn't think intubating him will even help that much...
Truth is though I am mad. I'm mad at the doctors for not noticing he was sick back this summer! I'm mad he pushed himself at Christmas and got himself sick and ended up back in the hospital. It sucks it sucks it sucks.
I'm 24 he is 49 and this is to young. I had so many things I thought I'd have a chance to do with him still. He's never going to see me graduate college or walk me down the isle. Meet his grandchildren. I'm not going to be able to call him up and complain about the bad luck we both share... It just sucks.
I'm going down tomorrow to say my good byes while he's still aware. I don't see a point in sitting around and waiting for him to die. The doctors can't give a time like other then "it could happen any time." He wants to see me now which is why I'm going at all. He's so drugged up already though that he's not aware of a lot. If he's not even going to know if I'm there why should I wait around for it to happen? All it will do is hurt and I see no point in subjecting myself to that. I feel like I should want to be there and I really don't. Not at all. I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend this all isn't happening.
My dad and I aren't super close, we have our issues and I've definitely at times looked on our relationship as a bit of a burden... He's just an emotionally draining person, always has been and sometimes I just didn't have the strength to deal with him. He's still my dad though and I'm scared I'm going to walk into his room and he's just going to start crying and I won't know what to do. Part of that is I'm not good with people when they're crying, I go through the motions but it's not genuine. Part of it may be I never cry in front of people, I tend to hole up somewhere and lick my wounds in private. My dad's side of the family just wears their emotions on their sleeve and I tend to hide mine behind a mask until the damn bursts.
I feel like I'm on edge right now like any little thing could set me off. May set me off. I almost cried today because I couldn't get a freaking copy machine to work like I asked and ended dropping several F-bombs in front of my, very understanding (and slightly amused), boss. I go home drink beer and bury myself in fic because when I'm reading I don't think. I doubt this is healthy behavior. I'm pretty sure I need therapy. I just hate talking to people.
I hate asking for help.
I want to tell the world whats going on because it seems like everything is going to hell right now and I don't understand how everyone can't know. I feel like I'm seeking attention or something when I do tell someone.
*sigh*
I want him to get better and he isn't. I feel bad because I wish it would just be over already because this waiting thing sucks and It's only been like a day.
Sorry for the long rant but I just needed to get that out.
The last few months have more then sucked in fact they've been hellish. If I live to a 112 I believe (And really really really hope) that I will never have such a bad run of just fuckedupedness.
I guess it started this summer it seems like a freaking life time ago when my great grandfather took a turn for the worse (He lives about 6 hours away). He was 93 so it wasn't unexpected but still sad. A quick trip to see my Papa settled into Hospice and to say my goodbyes in July. He lived for several more months after but even in July he didn't know who I was and I made the decision not to go back, not to see him again. I'm OK with that decision. I don't think he would have wanted any of us to sit around and wait at his bedside. In the end he was tired and ready to go be with Grams, they died nearly 10 years to the day apart...
Fathers day my dad had a massive heart attack.( It's his 4th). First he was in North Carolina (where he was working at the time) but then he was home in Florida. He has type 2 diabetes and he hasn't been watching his diet or taking medication and because of that the arteries in his heart got smaller and they didn't think they would be able to do anything at all for him. So they released him loaded him up on meds and basically told him good luck.
I made a visit in July and was informed once I got there he had also had a mild stroke. No one in my fucking family wanted to apparently tell me about this, including my father. While visiting I made them all promise they would keep me more up to date with what is going on. And they swore they would. I went back home on a Monday (I live in Georgia) I called that night and didn't talk to him. Nor did I get a hold of someone on Tuesday or Wednesday. This is normal as no one in my family apparently likes to answer their fucking phone on return calls.
On Thursday I got a call and found out that on Monday (BEFORE I HAD EVEN LEFT THE STATE!!!!) My dad had ANOTHER heart attack and no one in my family had wanted to call until they could give me his "Prognosis." My dad called and proceeded to start saying his goodbyes and telling me he would hold on until I got there. I needless to say freaked the fuck out. I started calling my Aunt J. (The only non dramatic person in my family. Like for real) repeatedly until she answered and I was told;d that my dad was going into surgery but it was nowhere near as bad as he made it seem.... She's a nurse and she'd found a doctor willing to attempt to clean the 4 stints he already had and add 2 more. It was a risky surgery but in the end it worked out. He got better. Got out of the hospital and was actually able to start working again.
The next 2 months were low on the Health Drama but high on the Work and Family Drama. Work picked up majorly, I was for all of August, September, and October working 3 jobs Monday through Friday 10-12 hour days Weekends 3-4 hour days. On the family Drama side....
My "Brother" (Technically he's my uncle from my grandfather on my mother's side's second marriage but he's only 3 years older then me so I say he's my brother frequently to simplify things) got married. He and his wife have 4 kids together (2 from her previous marriage and then Twin boys that will be 1 in February). His wife is from Brazil and through a mess up by her lawyer is now being deported... I've been helping out whenever I can (Usually babysitting) while they try and appeal. If she gets deported she's taking all 4 kids with her and that would just suck... Just so much...
October brought another health scare for my dad. It started with a cough, he went to the doctor and they said he had bronchitis and gave him antibiotics. It only got worse... So he went back, this time they thought he had pneumonia so they admitted him. to do some testing. He did have pneumonia but there was something on the Chest x-ray that the Dr. didn't like so he did more testing...
Pulmonary Fibrosis. That was the diagnosis. Incurable... And my dads was surprisingly advanced, he'd probably had it for years but no doctor had noticed... My dad got worse and worse every time I talked to him... I hated calling because I never got any kind of good news. He was always getting sicker and weaker and I hate it.
Doctors passed around words like Nursing Home and Home Care and in the end he was home on full time oxygen with a homecare nurse the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.
I was supposed to be in Florida for Thanksgiving but the Monday before (Nov 22nd) my Papa passed... Dad understood and I made plans and Bought a ticket to go see him on December 9th. My Aunt and I left Tuesday (Nov 23rd) morning and drove to Cinic where my Great grandfather would be buried (On Saturday (Nov 27th)). We met up with my grandmother (Her dad is whom passed) and had dinner stayed the night and Wednesday morning traveled 4 hours north to where the rest of our family lives. I got to have Thanksgiving with my mom unexpectedly which was good and I was majorly homesick so it was nice to spend Wednesday and Thursday at home.
Thursday Morning (Nove 25th), Thanksgiving my Uncle D. Called, he said I had to get down to Florida now. That my dad had taken a turn for the worse. My Grandmother (Dad's Mom) called and told me I needed to get down there as well. I hold back my panic and call my Aunt J. she says that yes its gotten worse but no I don't need to come down, she told me she would call me when and if I needed to come down.
Friday (Nov 26th) We drove 4 hours back to Cinci. Spent some time with family reminiscing. Saturday was the funeral.
The entire funeral all I could think was "Is this going to be me in a few weeks..." I looked around and just felt lonely.... My great Grandfather passed and My Grandma and her brothers leaned on each other. They have each other to remember Papa. When we were standing at the grave site people seemed to pair off Siblings and spouses and I just stood sort of dumbly next to my mom.
I think thats the hardest part for me is I feel like I'm all alone in this. I have people there to support me but its not the same... Maybe I'm just being dumb about it... The people that are grieving like I am (Dad's side of the family) Don't really know me. We aren't close and I don't feel like I can let myself feel anything in front of them... The people that know me (My mom's side of the family and my friends) aren't grieving they don't know my dad, my parents have been divorced since I was 6 and separated since I was 4. They feel for me but they don't really feel it with me...
Anyway... So Saturday was the funeral Sunday my Aunt and I drove the 7ish hours back to GA. Monday (Nov 30th) my Aunt J. called and told me that I needed to make plans to get down there. My dad's fibrosis is Aggressive and had spread so badly the only option he had at that point was a lung transplant. But none of the hospitals that do Transplants would accept him as a transfer patient. He would have to go through the evaluation as an outpatient and the doctors didn't think he would ever be well enough to get out of the hospital.
I made the 8 hour drive on Thursday December 2nd. I spent pretty much the entire time visiting with my dad in the hospital and by the time I left that Sunday he was 100 times better, the doctor said it was a miracle. All of a sudden he had hope of possibly getting a transplant.
He got out of the Hospital and made it home on the 7th. I flew back down on the 9th and was there until the 13th, it was a good time. He taught me to make Pork Curry we hung out watched movies I took him shopping once. The 13th (the day I left) he had his first appointment at Shands (Hospital in Gainesville) for Evaluation to see if he could get on the transplant list. It went great and he was scheduled for the second Evaluation which was supposed to take place on the 18th.
Originally I was supposed to spend Christmas back home in Ohio, but because of my dad's health decided to spend it in Florida with my dad. I had already bought a ticket to Ohio though so I flew up for a short visit, I got ther on the 21st at 7PM and flew out at 7AM on the 24th.
I don't think I'll ever forget walking into my Uncles House where my dad was staying. He was sitting up at the table just the Nasal Cannula in Grinning and wrapping presents while Christmas music played. Christmas is my dad's favorite holiday.
He made a feast for dinner (By made I mean he ordered my uncle and around while he sat at the table.) Lobster tail Shrimp and steak for dinner >8). He'd gotten the lobster and shrimp on sale and had been saving them in the freezer for a special occasion.
Christmas day we slept in then headed to NSB to see the rest of our family, had dinner at my Aunt J and Uncle C's and then headed home to open presents. My dad had already given me a coat for Christmas but he has pursaded my Uncle R to take him shopping and got me more. He got my Jewelry making books and tools and some clothes and a nice set of sheets...
the 26th I headed back to NSB to visit Family, Dad stayed home because he was tired out. I made it home that night and he didn't look good, said we would go to the doctor tomorrow if he wasn't feeling better.
I woke up at 6AM on the 27th to a banging noise and then a yell for "Help" I ran down stairs and my dad told me to wake my uncle and call 911. We did. The ambulance came and got him.
I spent the day with him in the ER he got a room in ICU the next day. I went home on the 19th and he said he'd be better in time to go to Shands. He was not.
His condition has only gotten worse and on Monday (Jan 24th) the doctor laid it all out for him. He had 2 choices, he could be intubated and put on a vent or go to Hospice.
My dad chose Hospice. He got there on Wednesday and I had to call and convince him to sign a DNR. Which sucked. This all sucks. I told him I loved him and I wasn't disappointed or mad at him for choosing Hospice. He's tired and in pain and the doctor doesn't think intubating him will even help that much...
Truth is though I am mad. I'm mad at the doctors for not noticing he was sick back this summer! I'm mad he pushed himself at Christmas and got himself sick and ended up back in the hospital. It sucks it sucks it sucks.
I'm 24 he is 49 and this is to young. I had so many things I thought I'd have a chance to do with him still. He's never going to see me graduate college or walk me down the isle. Meet his grandchildren. I'm not going to be able to call him up and complain about the bad luck we both share... It just sucks.
I'm going down tomorrow to say my good byes while he's still aware. I don't see a point in sitting around and waiting for him to die. The doctors can't give a time like other then "it could happen any time." He wants to see me now which is why I'm going at all. He's so drugged up already though that he's not aware of a lot. If he's not even going to know if I'm there why should I wait around for it to happen? All it will do is hurt and I see no point in subjecting myself to that. I feel like I should want to be there and I really don't. Not at all. I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend this all isn't happening.
My dad and I aren't super close, we have our issues and I've definitely at times looked on our relationship as a bit of a burden... He's just an emotionally draining person, always has been and sometimes I just didn't have the strength to deal with him. He's still my dad though and I'm scared I'm going to walk into his room and he's just going to start crying and I won't know what to do. Part of that is I'm not good with people when they're crying, I go through the motions but it's not genuine. Part of it may be I never cry in front of people, I tend to hole up somewhere and lick my wounds in private. My dad's side of the family just wears their emotions on their sleeve and I tend to hide mine behind a mask until the damn bursts.
I feel like I'm on edge right now like any little thing could set me off. May set me off. I almost cried today because I couldn't get a freaking copy machine to work like I asked and ended dropping several F-bombs in front of my, very understanding (and slightly amused), boss. I go home drink beer and bury myself in fic because when I'm reading I don't think. I doubt this is healthy behavior. I'm pretty sure I need therapy. I just hate talking to people.
I hate asking for help.
I want to tell the world whats going on because it seems like everything is going to hell right now and I don't understand how everyone can't know. I feel like I'm seeking attention or something when I do tell someone.
*sigh*
I want him to get better and he isn't. I feel bad because I wish it would just be over already because this waiting thing sucks and It's only been like a day.
Sorry for the long rant but I just needed to get that out.