Fic: Getting It Out
Title: Getting It Out
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (rowofstars)
Rating: G
Genre: Angst, Romance
Word Count: 2,002
Characters/Pairings: Jackie, Rose (Jackie/Rose)
"Hey, sweets," Rose murmurs when she wanders from the kitchen, her morning coffee in her hands. She plops onto the couch without spilling a drop, and Jackie shakes his head.
"I still can't believe you can just drop onto the couch like that without spilling your coffee."
"Years of practice," she replies, grinning broadly as she lifts her mug to her lips.
Jackie gives a weak smile back, and Rose looks at him a moment before shifting closer.
"Honey, is this about last night? Because I told you that would probably still happen from time to time -"
"No, it's not that." He takes a breath. "If anything, last night was because of this."
"Because of what?"
Jackie sighs. There's a lot he hasn't told Rose, especially having to do with the kidnapping, but maybe now it's time for him to open up.
"This week has been nine years since the kidnapping," he says quietly.
Rose stiffens, and there's a beat before he feels her shifting. He thinks she's getting up to leave, but when he looks up at her, she's turned to face him, sitting cross legged with her hands in her lap, fingers wrapped around her coffee cup.
"I'm listening," she murmurs. "Whatever you want to tell me, I'm listening. Okay?"
Jackie nods, his confidence bolstered, and shifts to get more comfortable, turning to face her and leaning against the back of the couch.
"It's been nine years," he says again. "And it's still this huge... weight. It's still this thing hanging over my head. Hannah's moved on so well, it doesn't seem to affect her at all anymore, but she's had so much support, so many people helping her to move past it. As well she should," he adds quickly. "She needed that way more than I did, and I'm so glad she had it."
He sighs again. "But I just... didn't have that. I had eight years of living in my own head while I was in prison. I mean, I had the prison shrink, but I couldn't tell him everything, because he just... wouldn't get it. But I didn't have the distraction that Hannah had. I didn't have family and friends to help me move on, nobody to love me like Eli does her. So I've just got all of this stuff in my head, weighing me down, and nothing to do with it. I mean, the first time I went over to her dad's house was that first Christmas after I got out, and I freaked out and couldn't stay because all I kept seeing was Hannah and Eddie fighting in the living room. A couple of weeks after that, Hannah took me to the house and showed me around, and it stopped being an issue, but like... I can't talk to Hannah about this stuff, because I can't bring all of that back for her, not when she's so happy now. But there's nobody else -"
"There's me," Rose says softly. "I didn't know any of you back then, I wasn't there for any of it, but I know what happened, at least what Hannah's told me. Whatever you need to tell me, Jackie, you can tell me. I'm not going to leave. I don't think there's anything you can do or say that will scare me off."
Jackie looks at her for a moment, and then takes a deep breath.
"It was all just so messed up. It all happened because Eddie's son, my nephew, killed these three little girls. Hannah's dad was the one in charge of the case, the one who arrested Luke, and Eddie thought that he set Luke up or something, that he framed him. And it ruined everything. Not - not what Hannah's dad did, but Eddie's reaction to it. Everything just turned to shit after that, and even more after Luke died. The worst part is, after Luke died, I discovered that he had really murdered those girls, but I didn't tell Eddie, because I didn't see the point, you know? If I had known what he was going to do..."
"There's no way you could have, Jackie."
"I know, but hindsight and all of that. It just... it kills me, even now, to think about how easily I could've prevented Hannah's kidnapping. I had so many chances, and I didn't take any of them, and I can't get past that guilt, even though it's been so long, even though she forgave me. I haven't been able to forgive myself, you know? It's so hard, because none of it should've happened. It was just so hard to say no to Eddie. Pretty much impossible, really. He made me so dependent on him. He made me so weak. I always felt like - I owed him."
"Owed him for what?"
Jackie hesitates, rubbing his thumb over the couch, and then speaks again. "You know I was in foster care after my mom died, but I never told you... when I was 14, my foster dad almost beat me to death. I was defending my foster sister, and he just starting hitting me instead. My foster sister ran and got Eddie, and he showed up just in time... I had a broken arm, some broken ribs, broken nose, even a small fracture in my cheekbone, bruises all over, and some bleeding in my brain, and Eddie told me later that the doctor said that if he hadn't showed up when he did, I probably would've died. So - so Eddie saved my life, and he got custody of me, and he let me live with him."
Rose frowns. "And he made you feel like you owed him?"
"Not at first. At first, he was just... my brother. That's why he saved me, was because he was my brother, and I was grateful to him for that, and I never wanted to give him a reason to like... get mad at me for anything. But then after Luke died, he just... anytime he wanted me to do something I didn't want to do, he would talk about all he'd done for me, how he'd saved my ass. Especially after he came up with the whole idea of kidnapping Hannah. Every time I had second thoughts, or wanted to back out, he would bring that up again, how he'd saved me, and he never said the actual words, but I know under it all, he was thinking, 'you owe me'."
"You were a victim too. Just like Hannah. But you kept her safe from Eddie. She told me about that day you came back in time and kept him from raping her."
Jackie blows out a loud breath. "God, if he had done that - That scared the hell out of me, the thought that if I had gotten home just a few minutes later he would've done that to her, and that would've made everything just so much worse for her. So yeah, I guess I did keep her safe, as much as I could. And I was going to let her go that night. Like, after what Eddie did to her, after what he almost did to her, and knowing that he wanted to kill her... I couldn't let that happen."
"That makes you brave, Jackie. You put Hannah's life ahead of your own; you risked yourself to protect her. Even if you helped put her in that situation, you also tried to get her out. You stood up to your brother, and that took so much strength."
"I used to lie awake some nights," Jackie murmurs. "Not all the time, usually just around this week, the anniversary week. I've been doing it this week too. I'd go over everything again in my head, and think of all the things I could've done. I could've put my foot down back at Hannah's house, when she fought Eddie so hard, I could've said, 'no, forget it, she's gonna be too much trouble'. The day she tried to escape, after seeing the way Eddie touched her... even though she was unconscious, I could've taken her out, taken her home, maybe left her on the porch for her dad to find, like some twisted game of ding dong ditch. And the day he tried to rape her - I should've taken her home. Right after he left, I should've put her in my truck and taken her straight home. But I was too - too blind and stupid, and still too dependent on Eddie."
"You weren't -"
"No, don't," Jackie says sharply, the first time he's ever spoken to Rose that way. "It was stupid. I was stupid. I don't want you to try to brush that aside."
"Okay," Rose whispers.
Jackie takes a shaky breath. "I also used to think about like... what if Eddie had killed her? I used to imagine that scenario, used to - used to imagine Hannah dead on that mattress in the basement, used to imagine her dad finding her like that." He takes another breath, sharper this time, and runs his hand down his face. "Or what if he had raped her, what if I'd come home to her screaming and gone into the basement and saw him - saw him over her -"
Rose reaches to set her mug down on the coffee table, and then scoots closer to Jackie, reaching for his hand.
"I understand your guilt, I really do. But you're not a bad man. Everybody makes mistakes, and yeah, yours is on the bigger end of the scale, but that doesn't mean that's who you are. I didn't know you back then, but I know you now, and you are the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I've ever known. I know you never wanted to hurt Hannah, I know you felt trapped, I know you were scared. But you found courage, Jackie, and that's more than a lot of people would've done in your situation."
She lifts her hand to his face, sweeping her thumb over his cheek. "I'm sorry for everything that happened to you before, but you deserve to be happy too, and you deserve to be loved, and I'm so lucky that I'm the one that gets to love you."
Jackie laughs softly. "You're lucky?"
"Okay, we both got lucky," she says, grinning as she shifts closer to him, her arms circling his neck. "But I want you to remember that, okay, our luck is mutual. I love you so much, Jackie, and nothing about what you did in the past is gonna change that."
She leans forward to kiss him, and he slides his fingers into her hair, taking a breath when the kiss breaks and resting his forehead against hers.
"Thank you," he whispers. "I love you too, Rosie. So much."
They sit quietly for a few minutes, just holding each other, their foreheads still touching, and then Rose touches another soft kiss to his lips before she sits up.
"Okay, we should do something today."
"I don't know if I really want to do anything today."
Rose rests her hand on his arm. "If you really don't feel up to it, we don't have to, but the best way for you to start to move on is for you to start associating these days with something good. Something happy. Even if we just take a walk to the bookstore down the street, and have lunch at that little diner."
Jackie nods, his lips curving at the thought. "Okay, we can do that."
"And maybe we can stop by the store on the way back and pick up something for dinner tonight."
Jackie nods again, his smile widening. "And maybe when we get back, I can make up to you for last night."
"Mmm," Rose hums. "Or maybe we could do that before we go."
Jackie's smile becomes a grin, and he stands, reaching for Rose's hand. She allows him to tug her to her feet, and laughs when he leads her back to his bedroom.
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (rowofstars)
Rating: G
Genre: Angst, Romance
Word Count: 2,002
Characters/Pairings: Jackie, Rose (Jackie/Rose)
"Hey, sweets," Rose murmurs when she wanders from the kitchen, her morning coffee in her hands. She plops onto the couch without spilling a drop, and Jackie shakes his head.
"I still can't believe you can just drop onto the couch like that without spilling your coffee."
"Years of practice," she replies, grinning broadly as she lifts her mug to her lips.
Jackie gives a weak smile back, and Rose looks at him a moment before shifting closer.
"Honey, is this about last night? Because I told you that would probably still happen from time to time -"
"No, it's not that." He takes a breath. "If anything, last night was because of this."
"Because of what?"
Jackie sighs. There's a lot he hasn't told Rose, especially having to do with the kidnapping, but maybe now it's time for him to open up.
"This week has been nine years since the kidnapping," he says quietly.
Rose stiffens, and there's a beat before he feels her shifting. He thinks she's getting up to leave, but when he looks up at her, she's turned to face him, sitting cross legged with her hands in her lap, fingers wrapped around her coffee cup.
"I'm listening," she murmurs. "Whatever you want to tell me, I'm listening. Okay?"
Jackie nods, his confidence bolstered, and shifts to get more comfortable, turning to face her and leaning against the back of the couch.
"It's been nine years," he says again. "And it's still this huge... weight. It's still this thing hanging over my head. Hannah's moved on so well, it doesn't seem to affect her at all anymore, but she's had so much support, so many people helping her to move past it. As well she should," he adds quickly. "She needed that way more than I did, and I'm so glad she had it."
He sighs again. "But I just... didn't have that. I had eight years of living in my own head while I was in prison. I mean, I had the prison shrink, but I couldn't tell him everything, because he just... wouldn't get it. But I didn't have the distraction that Hannah had. I didn't have family and friends to help me move on, nobody to love me like Eli does her. So I've just got all of this stuff in my head, weighing me down, and nothing to do with it. I mean, the first time I went over to her dad's house was that first Christmas after I got out, and I freaked out and couldn't stay because all I kept seeing was Hannah and Eddie fighting in the living room. A couple of weeks after that, Hannah took me to the house and showed me around, and it stopped being an issue, but like... I can't talk to Hannah about this stuff, because I can't bring all of that back for her, not when she's so happy now. But there's nobody else -"
"There's me," Rose says softly. "I didn't know any of you back then, I wasn't there for any of it, but I know what happened, at least what Hannah's told me. Whatever you need to tell me, Jackie, you can tell me. I'm not going to leave. I don't think there's anything you can do or say that will scare me off."
Jackie looks at her for a moment, and then takes a deep breath.
"It was all just so messed up. It all happened because Eddie's son, my nephew, killed these three little girls. Hannah's dad was the one in charge of the case, the one who arrested Luke, and Eddie thought that he set Luke up or something, that he framed him. And it ruined everything. Not - not what Hannah's dad did, but Eddie's reaction to it. Everything just turned to shit after that, and even more after Luke died. The worst part is, after Luke died, I discovered that he had really murdered those girls, but I didn't tell Eddie, because I didn't see the point, you know? If I had known what he was going to do..."
"There's no way you could have, Jackie."
"I know, but hindsight and all of that. It just... it kills me, even now, to think about how easily I could've prevented Hannah's kidnapping. I had so many chances, and I didn't take any of them, and I can't get past that guilt, even though it's been so long, even though she forgave me. I haven't been able to forgive myself, you know? It's so hard, because none of it should've happened. It was just so hard to say no to Eddie. Pretty much impossible, really. He made me so dependent on him. He made me so weak. I always felt like - I owed him."
"Owed him for what?"
Jackie hesitates, rubbing his thumb over the couch, and then speaks again. "You know I was in foster care after my mom died, but I never told you... when I was 14, my foster dad almost beat me to death. I was defending my foster sister, and he just starting hitting me instead. My foster sister ran and got Eddie, and he showed up just in time... I had a broken arm, some broken ribs, broken nose, even a small fracture in my cheekbone, bruises all over, and some bleeding in my brain, and Eddie told me later that the doctor said that if he hadn't showed up when he did, I probably would've died. So - so Eddie saved my life, and he got custody of me, and he let me live with him."
Rose frowns. "And he made you feel like you owed him?"
"Not at first. At first, he was just... my brother. That's why he saved me, was because he was my brother, and I was grateful to him for that, and I never wanted to give him a reason to like... get mad at me for anything. But then after Luke died, he just... anytime he wanted me to do something I didn't want to do, he would talk about all he'd done for me, how he'd saved my ass. Especially after he came up with the whole idea of kidnapping Hannah. Every time I had second thoughts, or wanted to back out, he would bring that up again, how he'd saved me, and he never said the actual words, but I know under it all, he was thinking, 'you owe me'."
"You were a victim too. Just like Hannah. But you kept her safe from Eddie. She told me about that day you came back in time and kept him from raping her."
Jackie blows out a loud breath. "God, if he had done that - That scared the hell out of me, the thought that if I had gotten home just a few minutes later he would've done that to her, and that would've made everything just so much worse for her. So yeah, I guess I did keep her safe, as much as I could. And I was going to let her go that night. Like, after what Eddie did to her, after what he almost did to her, and knowing that he wanted to kill her... I couldn't let that happen."
"That makes you brave, Jackie. You put Hannah's life ahead of your own; you risked yourself to protect her. Even if you helped put her in that situation, you also tried to get her out. You stood up to your brother, and that took so much strength."
"I used to lie awake some nights," Jackie murmurs. "Not all the time, usually just around this week, the anniversary week. I've been doing it this week too. I'd go over everything again in my head, and think of all the things I could've done. I could've put my foot down back at Hannah's house, when she fought Eddie so hard, I could've said, 'no, forget it, she's gonna be too much trouble'. The day she tried to escape, after seeing the way Eddie touched her... even though she was unconscious, I could've taken her out, taken her home, maybe left her on the porch for her dad to find, like some twisted game of ding dong ditch. And the day he tried to rape her - I should've taken her home. Right after he left, I should've put her in my truck and taken her straight home. But I was too - too blind and stupid, and still too dependent on Eddie."
"You weren't -"
"No, don't," Jackie says sharply, the first time he's ever spoken to Rose that way. "It was stupid. I was stupid. I don't want you to try to brush that aside."
"Okay," Rose whispers.
Jackie takes a shaky breath. "I also used to think about like... what if Eddie had killed her? I used to imagine that scenario, used to - used to imagine Hannah dead on that mattress in the basement, used to imagine her dad finding her like that." He takes another breath, sharper this time, and runs his hand down his face. "Or what if he had raped her, what if I'd come home to her screaming and gone into the basement and saw him - saw him over her -"
Rose reaches to set her mug down on the coffee table, and then scoots closer to Jackie, reaching for his hand.
"I understand your guilt, I really do. But you're not a bad man. Everybody makes mistakes, and yeah, yours is on the bigger end of the scale, but that doesn't mean that's who you are. I didn't know you back then, but I know you now, and you are the kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I've ever known. I know you never wanted to hurt Hannah, I know you felt trapped, I know you were scared. But you found courage, Jackie, and that's more than a lot of people would've done in your situation."
She lifts her hand to his face, sweeping her thumb over his cheek. "I'm sorry for everything that happened to you before, but you deserve to be happy too, and you deserve to be loved, and I'm so lucky that I'm the one that gets to love you."
Jackie laughs softly. "You're lucky?"
"Okay, we both got lucky," she says, grinning as she shifts closer to him, her arms circling his neck. "But I want you to remember that, okay, our luck is mutual. I love you so much, Jackie, and nothing about what you did in the past is gonna change that."
She leans forward to kiss him, and he slides his fingers into her hair, taking a breath when the kiss breaks and resting his forehead against hers.
"Thank you," he whispers. "I love you too, Rosie. So much."
They sit quietly for a few minutes, just holding each other, their foreheads still touching, and then Rose touches another soft kiss to his lips before she sits up.
"Okay, we should do something today."
"I don't know if I really want to do anything today."
Rose rests her hand on his arm. "If you really don't feel up to it, we don't have to, but the best way for you to start to move on is for you to start associating these days with something good. Something happy. Even if we just take a walk to the bookstore down the street, and have lunch at that little diner."
Jackie nods, his lips curving at the thought. "Okay, we can do that."
"And maybe we can stop by the store on the way back and pick up something for dinner tonight."
Jackie nods again, his smile widening. "And maybe when we get back, I can make up to you for last night."
"Mmm," Rose hums. "Or maybe we could do that before we go."
Jackie's smile becomes a grin, and he stands, reaching for Rose's hand. She allows him to tug her to her feet, and laughs when he leads her back to his bedroom.