Fic: The Hardest Part of the Job
Title: The Hardest Part of the Job
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (rowofstars)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Character death
Genre: Angst, Family, Friendship
Word Count: 7,576
Characters/Pairings: Chris, Tony, Eli, David, Kari, Hannah, Jeannie (Chris/Kari, Hannah/Eli, Tony/Jeannie)
A/N: Tony started out as purely a background character; if you recall, he's referred to by his last name in the early stuff. But once Chris became a more important character, so too did Tony. He was still a minor character, but he ended up taking over the role I initially imagined for Chris, and once he became more prominent, I cast Lee Thompson Young in the role (an in joke with my brother-in-law was that he could play Tony when AEFAE was made into a movie, which is where Tony's first name came from). I adored Lee; I'd only ever seen him in Rizzoli & Isles, but there was just something about him that drew me to him, he was cute, a good actor, a kind person by all accounts, though I always felt that was obvious just from looking at him, and he had such a great smile. All of that made him a perfect Tony in my head.
And then last August came the news that Lee had died. I was devastated; I cried all day after hearing about it. And one of my first thoughts was that I would have to kill Tony off. There was no other solution for me; just thinking about Lee still makes me tear up, even now, and I knew there was no way I could continue to write Tony into things without thinking of Lee and feeling that pain all over again, and I couldn't just send him away, have him be transferred to another field office or something, because he would still be there, in the subconscious of the 'verse, and the thought of just having him be in another city somewhere felt hollow to me, like there was some promise that he'd be back, when I knew he would never be.
So this fic is my goodbye to Lee, and to Tony, and is, I hope, a proper sendoff. (Timeline wise, this takes place during the last fic, in the month where Maddie and Ben are in California.)
"God, I still can't believe Kari and I are having twins," Chris says as he, Tony, and Eli step from The Pint and into the early April sunshine.
"Me neither," Eli replies. "I got paranoid that Han might be having more than one too, but she had her ultrasound just a couple of days ago, and there's only one in there. I don't think we could handle two newborns and Nicky all at the same time."
"Chris would have enough problems with one baby," Tony teases. "God knows how he's gonna deal with two."
"Shut up," Chris retorts as Tony and Eli laugh. "I don't see you and Jeannie with kids yet, you don't get to make fun of me."
Something flashes over Tony's face at that, so quick that Chris thinks he imagined it, and then Eli speaks.
"You just better hope that it's a boy and a girl, because you'd never be able to tell them apart otherwise."
Chris opens his mouth to argue, and then sighs. "Yeah, you're probably right."
Eli and Tony laugh again, and Tony shakes his head as he claps a hand on Chris's shoulder.
"All kidding aside, though, you're gonna be fine, Chris. I mean, it's gonna be tougher having two babies instead of just one, but I think between you and Kari, you guys are gonna be great parents. And you know we're all here to help, even if we don't all have babies."
Chris gives a short laugh as Eli hums his agreement, and nods. "Thanks, guys."
Chris sits numbly in the chair, staring down at his hands.
The blood is gone now, washed away down the drain, but he can still see it in his mind, seeping through his fingers, coating his wedding ring, staining the edges of his sleeves.
His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows now, hiding the red marks, and he scrubbed his wedding ring until it gleamed, but he thinks he may have to take it in and have it professionally cleaned. He rubs his hands together, resisting the urge to get up and wash them for the fourth time.
All he can think of is the blood, and the fear on his friend's face, and the way his lips tried to form words, but Chris had whispered, "Shh, man, don't talk. Help will be here soon. Everything's going to be okay. I'm right here, okay?"
Help didn't get there fast enough.
Now he just sits, feeling numb, waiting for David to show up.
A minute passes, during which he continues to rub his hands together, and then he stands, shuffling down the hall to the bathroom once more.
Eli looks up when he senses someone come to a stop next to his workstation, and frowns in confusion when he sees who it is.
"David? What are you doing here?"
"I need you to clock out, get your stuff together, and come with me," he says quietly.
"What -"
"Now, Eli."
Still frowning, Eli moves to obey, and then stands, following David down the corridor. The other man leads him into an interview room, and Eli shakes his head, hopelessly confused.
"David, what's going on? Is something wrong?" His eyes widen suddenly. "Is it Nicky? Or Hannah, is something wrong with the baby -"
"No, it's none of that, it's -" David hesitates, running a hand over his mouth, and then sighs, his hands dropping to rest on his hips. "Chris and Tony went out earlier to look into something on a case, and something happened - I'm not sure what yet, exactly - but Tony was killed."
Eli stares at him, his mouth suddenly dry, and then steps back, blindly reaching for a chair and dropping down into it. He can't speak for a long moment, and David stands quietly, his head down and his arms crossed over his chest, letting Eli process this.
"I just - we had lunch just a couple hours ago," Eli finally murmurs, his eyes stinging. "Is - is Chris okay?"
"As far as I know. Physically, anyway." David takes a deep breath. "I'm about to go talk to him, and then I want you to take him home, and then you can go home. I've cleared it with your boss already."
Eli nods, feeling tears slide down his cheeks, though he makes no move to wipe them away, or to stand.
"I'm sorry, Eli," David whispers. "I know you guys were good friends, that's why I wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone else. And I figured Chris is most likely to listen to you and go with you, but if you don't think you can handle it, that's okay."
"No, it's fine," Eli replies, sniffling as he shakes his head. "I just - I need a minute."
David nods, and they fall silent. Eli stays seated, gripping the back of the chair tightly in one hand, and takes a few deep breaths, willing his emotions in check, at least until he can get home. He knows Chris has to be taking this much harder, and wants to try to be strong for him.
A couple of minutes pass, and then he stands, nodding as he takes one more breath and blows it out slowly.
"Okay, let's go."
"Okay, Chris," David begins quietly a short while later. "Tell me what happened. Just the bare bones, so I know; you'll tell the whole story when you give your statement."
Chris takes a deep breath, his hands clasped between his knees as he stares at the floor.
"Johansson had a kid," he mumbles. "We thought we got them all out, but he grabbed one. He had a knife to the kid's throat, I mean, right to his throat, and we were all too wary to make any sudden moves until we could separate them. I was trying to talk him down, and Tony - he was trying to come from behind, and he was there, he was right there, and then Johansson turned suddenly, like he knew all along, and the hand with the knife like, slashed at Tony. T - Tony jumped back, and I thought he was okay, I thought Johansson missed him, and Johansson threw the kid aside and started to run. The agents in the back grabbed him pretty quick, and I went to check on the kid, and he was fine, but his eyes were - were wide, and he was staring at something, and I looked to see what it was, and it was Tony." Chris's voice catches, the image in his mind so clear. "He had his hand on his neck, Johansson had cut his throat, and there was - was blood, there was so much blood, and right as I looked at him, he fell, and I grabbed him. There was still an ambulance outside, but he'd already lost so much blood, and by the time the paramedics came inside, he - he was already gone."
Chris stops speaking abruptly, his hands rising to grip his head, and David stays silent.
"Has - has anybody told Jeannie yet?" Chris finally asks after a long moment, lifting his gaze to David.
"Not yet -"
"I want to do it."
"Chris, no."
"He was my friend, this is my fault -"
"No," David says again, springing to his feet to catch Chris as he suddenly moves towards the door. "No."
"I have to -"
"No, you don't," David says softly, staring up at the younger man. "You can't go see her now, not like this, not this emotional. This is going to be hard enough on her."
"He was my friend," Chris repeats, his voice wavering, tears welling in his eyes and spilling over when he blinks.
"I know, son." David squeezes Chris's arm, his own eyes bright as he nods. "I know."
Chris sags against the door, covering his eyes with his hand as he cries for a few minutes, and when he seems calm again, David speaks.
"Eli is here," he says quietly. "He's going to take you home. Take the rest of the week off, okay?"
Chris nods, sniffling loudly, and then his eyebrows knit together. "Who's going to tell Jeannie?"
"I will."
Chris nods again, and now he's just tired, exhaustion and grief making him feel heavy. He moves off the door, and he and David step out into the hallway where Eli is sitting in a chair, head bent, hands clasped in front of him. He looks up when he hears their footsteps, and stands as they walk towards him.
"I'm sorry, man," he whispers, looking for a moment like he wants to hug Chris, but then decides against it, his hands fidgeting at his sides.
"Yeah," Chris whispers back.
"You guys go on," David says. "I'll see you later."
Chris and Eli nod, and start down the hall as David heads in the opposite direction.
The drive to Chris and Kari's apartment is silent, both Chris and Eli lost in their thoughts.
"Is Kari home?" Eli asks when they pull into one of the visitor spaces.
"Yeah, she should be, she worked last night, so she got home before I got up this morning."
Chris frowns, thinking back to that morning, Kari climbing into bed with him and their slow, sleepy lovemaking before going to sleep for a couple more hours until he had to get up for work. It seems like it was a week ago, when it was just a few hours.
"I'll go up with you," Eli says, and Chris nods, not in the mood to argue.
"Baby?" Kari calls from the kitchen when the door closes behind them. "You're home early."
Kari appears, a smile on her face, but it fades instantly the moment she sees the somber looks on Chris and Eli's faces.
"What happened?"
Chris and Eli glance at each other, and Chris takes a breath, tears rising in his eyes yet again.
"Um, Tony - Tony died."
Kari's eyes widen. "What? When? What happened?"
Chris shakes his head, unable to say anything more, and Kari moves forward to pull him into her arms, holding him tightly and lifting her hand to his hair as his head falls against her shoulder.
"I'll see you guys later," Eli murmurs, moving towards the door.
Kari looks at him sadly, and he holds up his hand as he steps from the apartment, carefully pulling the door closed behind him.
The house is silent when Eli gets home, and he's reminded of how early it is, figuring Hannah must still be at work and Nicholas in the campus daycare.
Feeling numb, he shuffles into the bedroom to change out of his work clothes, and then returns to the living room, flopping down on the couch and turning on the TV. He doesn't even know what's on this time of day; he just needs something to chase away the quiet and to keep him from thinking too much.
He's watching a movie when Hannah gets home an hour or so later, Nicholas asleep in her arms.
"Hey," she murmurs, surprised, as she drops her bag on the floor by the couch. "You're home early. Is everything okay?"
All he can do is shake his head, because he can feel his throat tightening and the tears in his eyes, and Hannah's expression turns concerned.
"Let me just go put him down, and then we'll talk."
The TV is off when she returns, and she settles next to him on the couch, asking what's wrong. He takes a breath before looking up at her, wishing there was a more delicate way to say this, because it's going to hurt her just as much as it's hurt him.
"Chris and Tony went out earlier to look into something to do with a case," he begins, hearing David's voice in his head, knowing he's repeating what David told him earlier. "Something happened, and - and Tony was killed."
Hannah stares at him, her eyes wide, and then her hands rise to cover her mouth as she says in a small voice, "Tony's dead?"
Eli nods, and then she's in his arms and they're both crying, holding each other tightly.
It's a long while before they stop, though they don't pull apart, curled together on the couch, arms still around each other.
"I can't believe it," Hannah murmurs, sniffling softly, her fingers lightly gripping Eli's shirt as he strokes her hair.
"I know," he replies. "Like, I just saw him earlier today, I had lunch with him and Chris, and then a couple of hours later, there's David, telling me to clock out and pack up my stuff. At first I was scared that it was something wrong with you or Nicky or the baby, but then David told me, and I just - it's like I couldn't breathe for a second. I've never lost a friend like this."
"Me neither. The only person I've known that's died was my grandma."
"Yeah, I lost all of my grandparents, though the only ones that really affected me were Grandma and Grandpa Kaminski, my mom's parents. After my mom told me about them being in the Holocaust, they started to tell me stories about growing up in Poland. Not really anything about the war, but stuff from before then, and then after they left, when they got to New York. It was always my favorite part about when they came to visit, or when we'd go to see them, getting to hear their stories."
Hannah smiles a little at that, and then it grows wider as a memory suddenly presents itself.
"Tony pretended to be my boyfriend once."
Eli gives a short laugh. "What?"
"Before I met you, obviously. It was right after I'd broken up with Seth, when Chris and I started getting closer as friends. I'd met Tony, but we hadn't really talked or anything, but one night I was out with him and Chris and some other people, and this guy started like, harassing me. You know, wanting to buy me a drink, telling me I was pretty, wanting to dance, that sort of stuff, but it made me uncomfortable. But I didn't really know what to do about it back then, I wasn't all that confident, and I didn't like confrontation. At first I just ignored him, and then I started asking him to stop, but he wouldn't. I was looking around for Chris - he usually stuck pretty close, and I think a lot of people assumed he was my boyfriend or something - but he'd gone off somewhere, and I was starting to get scared, and then out of nowhere, Tony suddenly steps up and tells the guy to back off. I don't remember what the guy said exactly, but he basically asked if Tony was my boyfriend, and without even a hint of hesitation, he said yes, and then he put his arm around me, asking if I was okay, and then, I still remember this so clearly, there was this moment where his back was to the guy, and he was facing me, and he goes, 'Is it okay if I kiss you? Just to make this guy go away?' I nodded, and he gave me this sweet little kiss, and the guy finally left, though Tony kept his arm around me for a couple more minutes. I thanked him, and he just smiled and shook his head, and then he said he just hoped his girlfriend wouldn't be too mad when he told her about it later."
Eli laughs again. "Was she?"
"No," Hannah replies, smiling fondly. "The next time I saw him, he said that Jeannie just thought he was sweet for protecting me."
A beat passes, and then she sighs, her head dropping against Eli's chest again.
"He was just such a good guy," she murmurs. "I'm really gonna miss him."
Eli nods, whispering, "Me too," against her hair.
Later that night, Chris and Kari are on the couch, watching TV. Chris hasn't said much since he told Kari what happened, and her hand rubs over his back, her gaze continually flicking to him.
"Baby," she begins softly, "are you sure you don't want to eat anything?"
Chris shakes his head. "I'm not hungry." He looks at her. "You ate, though, right?"
She nods, the corners of her mouth rising. "Yeah, I ate."
They fall silent again, and after a few minutes, Chris sighs.
"I just keep thinking about him," he says quietly. "He was so scared, and I told him it was gonna be okay, that he was going to be fine, but I think part of me knew that wasn't true. And he kept trying to talk - I think he was trying to say Jeannie's name - and I said I knew, that I would tell her, and that seemed to calm him down. And - and then he was gone." He shakes his head. "And I just keep thinking that it's my fault."
"Honey, it's not," Kari murmurs, shifting closer and laying her hand over his where it rests on his thigh.
"But he was with me. David got shot with me, Tony died with me, who else is going to get hurt or - or die because of me? What if it's Eli next time? I know we don't work in the same division anymore, but there's still a chance, and how could I ever face Hannah again if something happened to Eli because of me? Or what if something happens to you or the twins because of me? Or hell, what if something happens to me? I can't bear the thought of something happening to me, and leaving you with the twins, the thought of not knowing my babies."
He stands abruptly, running a hand through his hair.
"Maybe I should just quit."
"Chris -"
"That way nobody else will get hurt because of me. Nobody else will die because of me."
"Baby, please," Kari says, standing and moving towards him. She lifts her hands to his face to get him to look at her, her eyebrows knitting together. "This isn't your fault -"
Chris shakes his head, lifting his hands to pull hers away, his fingers curling around her palms before he gently lets them go.
"I'm going to bed."
Kari watches him disappear into the bedroom, the door closing with a quiet click behind him, and lifts her hand to her mouth, blinking against the tears that sting her eyes.
Late the next morning, Chris texts Jeannie, asking if she's okay with him coming to see her. He needs to see her, needs to apologize for what happened.
She texts him back readily enough, inviting him to eat lunch with her, and Kari smiles and shakes her head when he asks if she minds.
"Not at all. You have lunch with Jeannie, and then maybe you and I can go out tonight?"
"Maybe," Chris replies, giving her a small smile as he bends his head to kiss her. "I'll be home in a little while."
A short while later, he knocks on Jeannie's door and shoves his hands into his pockets as he waits for her to answer.
When the door opens, he looks up, taking a breath to speak, and then freezes when he sees the man in front of him, so tall and broad he pretty effectively fills the doorway.
"Um, I'm here to see Jeannie."
The man opens his mouth to speak, but Jeannie's voice interrupts him. "James, it's Chris, let him in."
The man steps back and Chris moves inside, glancing at the man before his gaze moves to Jeannie.
"What, did you think he was my secret lover?" Jeannie asks, her expression mildly amused as she looks at the man, who looks vaguely ashamed.
"James, this is Chris, he worked with Tony. Chris, this is my baby brother James."
The two men shake hands, and Chris raises his eyebrows. "I hope you play football, because you're definitely big enough for it."
"I do," James confirms, grinning a little.
"C'mon, let's eat lunch," Jeannie says, moving towards the kitchen. "Cooking relaxes me, so I made both your and James's favorite, fried chicken and potatoes."
"Oh, Kari's gonna be sad to know she missed out on this," Chris murmurs.
"Well, you know me, there's probably more than enough for the three of us, so you can take some home to her."
Chris smiles and nods, and they all settle around the table to eat.
When they're finished, Chris starts to help clear the table, but James gently rebukes him.
"I've got it, you and Jeannie go talk."
"Thanks, James," Jeannie murmurs, squeezing his arm before she and Chris head into the living room.
"How are you?" Chris asks as they settle on the couch, and then shakes his head. "I'm sorry, that's a stupid question."
Jeannie shakes her head too, smiling gently. "I'm... okay. Yesterday was the worst, obviously. Broke down crying when David told me what had happened, and he stayed with me for a little while, helping me make the calls to all the family. He didn't want to leave me, but I knew he had to get back to work, and I just kind of wanted to be alone. Today, it doesn't quite feel real. It's like he's just at work, you know? When you texted me earlier, I thought it was him, because it was lunch time, and he always texted me at lunch time, and then I remembered, and it hit me all over again." She takes a deep breath, and then continues. "James came up late last night, he lives in Philadelphia, so he's the closest. Everyone else will be here tomorrow. The - the funeral -" Her voice breaks a little on that, and Chris's heart aches. "It's on Sunday."
Chris nods, his throat tight as he looks down at his hands, and then he shakes his head once more.
"I'm sorry, Jeannie, I'm so sorry."
"For what?" she asks, her expression bewildered when he looks at her again.
"For Tony, I -"
"Chris, this isn't your fault."
"But I -"
"Listen to me," she says, reaching for his hand. "This is not your fault. I don't blame you at all. I've always known this was a possibility, and while I never really thought it would actually happen, it's not your fault."
"But he was with me -"
"Yes, and if he had to die, I'm glad it was doing something he loved, and I'm especially glad that you were with him. He cared about you a lot, Chris, you were one of his best friends, and knowing that you were there with him makes this a little bit easier to deal with." She lifts her other hand to his face, her eyes shining with tears. "Please don't blame yourself for this, because I don't, and I know that he wouldn't either."
Chris stares at her, seeing the tears in her eyes, the grief on her face, and knows that she's telling the truth, that she doesn't blame him. Above everything, while he's mourning the loss of his friend, she's mourning the loss of her husband, the man Chris heard her refer to as the love of her life more than once, and he pulls her to him in a tight hug, holding her as she cries.
"I miss him so much," she whispers after a few minutes, sniffling against his chest.
"I know," he replies, sweeping his thumb over the curve of her shoulder. "You were his last thought; he tried to say your name. I think he wanted me to tell you that he loved you."
"I know he did. That's the one thing I never doubted with Tony, was how much he loved me. Did he ever tell you how we met?"
"I know you guys met in high school, is there more to it than that?"
"Kind of." They shift to get a little more comfortable, Jeannie tucked against Chris's side, his arm still around her. "We met in high school, but when we got to college, we both sort of... wanted more. Like, all we'd ever known was each other, we were each other's first everything, and for the most part, we were fine with that, but at the same time, we both couldn't help feeling like we wanted to branch out. So we agreed that we would experience other people, and for about a year, or, well, two semesters, we did. We didn't break up or anything, we stayed together the whole time, but we had this understanding that if one of us found someone we wanted to be with more, then the other would accept it."
"Did that happen? I mean, obviously you guys got married, but did you break up for real?"
"No," Jeannie replies, and Chris can hear the smile in her voice. "If anything, the whole experience made us closer. We 'dated' three people each - that wasn't a set limit or anything, that's just how it worked out - and we would compare notes, we would tell each other if there was something the new person did that we liked, whether it was in bed or otherwise. We learned from it, and when we decided it was over, we knew we only wanted to be with each other, and our relationship was stronger for it."
"I never would've guessed you guys did that, but at the same time, I'm somehow not surprised."
"I know we probably seemed like a boring married couple on the outside, but there was a lot of love, and a lot of passion between us."
"I never thought you guys were boring," Chris murmurs. "To be honest, I kind of admired your relationship. I mean, you guys had been together since high school, and so many of those relationships don't last, but you did, and it was always so obvious how much you still loved each other. Even though he was younger than me, I sort of looked up to Tony for that, for being so sure about what he wanted."
"Well, you got the love of your life too, even if it took you a few years," Jeannie says, shrugging. "Everyone does things at their own pace."
Chris nods, and they're silent for a moment before he asks, "Is your last memory of him a good one?"
"My last physical memory of him is when he left for work yesterday morning. He kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and said he'd see me for dinner." The last word is cut off abruptly, and Chris tightens his grip on her, closing his eyes.
She takes a breath and then continues, "My last memory of him altogether is when he texted me at lunch, like always, just to ask me how my day was going, and said he was going to lunch with you and Eli. Did you guys have a good time together?"
"We did. It wasn't anything terribly special, just lunch at The Pint, but it was the three of us, and that was always my favorite. They teased me about the babies some more, saying I was gonna have enough problems with one baby, but now there's two, saying I should hope it's a girl and a boy so I can tell them apart - they're not wrong about that part."
Jeannie laughs softly, and Chris grins a little.
"You're gonna do fine, Chris. I think you're going to be a wonderful dad, regardless of the fact that you're having two at once."
"Yeah, Tony said that, once they were done laughing at my expense."
Jeannie laughs again, and there's another beat of silence before he shifts.
"Yesterday, when they were doing all of that, I said something about how Tony shouldn't be making fun of me, since you guys don't have kids, and he kind of got this look, and -"
"We couldn't have kids," Jeannie interjects softly. "Well, more specifically, I couldn't have kids."
Chris grimaces, closing his eyes for a second, and then shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
"Don't be sorry. A lot of people don't know. Our families are pretty much the only ones who know. Tony liked to keep certain things private, and that was something that just... never came up. We've known about it for a long time, and it's sort of stopped being a sore spot, but over the past couple of years, with Hannah and Eli having Nicholas, and then with Hannah and Kari announcing they were pregnant last month, the itch sort of came back, especially for Tony. While he never blamed me, or got mad at me, for not being able to have a baby, I know how much he wanted to be a dad. Recently we'd sort of started talking about adoption. Not really seriously yet, just talking about if it's what we wanted, if we could afford it, stuff like that. Mostly idle conversation."
"I'm so sorry, Jeannie," Chris murmurs, the words catching in his throat. "He would've been an amazing dad."
"He would have," she agrees softly. "But he also knew that there was a chance he might never be one, and he was okay with that. When we found out I couldn't get pregnant, I was so upset, and I asked if he wanted to break off the engagement. He just looked at me like I was the craziest person he'd ever seen, and he said, 'I'm not marrying you because I want you to give me babies. I'm marrying you because I love you. Everything else is secondary.' And I just fell in love with him all over again."
Chris smiles. "Do you think you'll ever get married again?"
"I don't know. When we talked about something like this happening, Tony always said that if I found love again, I should go after it, so maybe if the right person came along. I do know that I'm not staying in Arlington."
Chris sits up, looking at her in surprise. "You're not?"
"All of my family lives down south. The FBI was the only reason we came here, and now - there's no reason for me to be here anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love you, I love all of the friends I've made here, but I think staying here would be too much of a reminder of him. My parents live in South Carolina, so I think that's where I'll go. It won't be right away, I might stay another year. See how those twins of yours turn out."
Chris laughs softly and pulls her into a hug. "I'll miss you when you go."
"I'll miss you too. You've been a good friend these past ten years."
"God, ten years. Now I feel old."
"Me too," Jeannie says with a quiet laugh.
There's a shuffle of footsteps, and then James's voice sounds. "Nettie, we gotta go."
"Oh, right, the appointment at the funeral home," Jeannie murmurs, and Chris sees the grief all over her face again as they stand, but she smiles as she looks up at him.
"Thank you so much for coming to see me, Chris. Really. I know this is hard on you too, and don't be afraid to feel whatever you need to feel, but remember what I said: this isn't your fault."
Chris nods, and kisses her cheek as they hug once more.
"If I don't see you before then, I'll see you Sunday," she says, tears flirting with the corner of her eyes. "And tell Kari hello for me."
"I will. And let us know if you need anything at all, we're glad to help in any way that we can."
Jeannie nods, giving him one more small smile, and then turns and heads down the hall towards her bedroom as Chris moves for the front door, James trailing behind him.
"Here's the food for your wife," James says, holding out a large plastic container. "I put a lot in there, and there's still a lot left over. Jeannie just can't help herself."
Chris laughs softly and nods, thanking him as he accepts the container.
"I wish we could've met under better circumstances," Chris murmurs as he looks up again. "Jeannie's talked so much about you and her other brothers."
"I'm sorry if I scared you earlier. I know how people get when somebody dies, and I want to keep my sister from having to deal with a lot of bullshit. But I know you were a good friend to Tony, from what I heard, and I'm glad it was you who came to see her. I think it was good for her."
Chris raises his eyebrows. "Your sister is a strong woman."
"She really is."
Chris glances in the direction Jeannie left, and then pulls open the door, smiling vaguely as he says, "I'll see you later," before heading for his car.
Later that night, Chris jerks awake and sits up in bed, tears on his cheeks as he stares wildly around.
The fog in his head clears as he sees the familiar landmarks of his and Kari's bedroom, and he takes a deep, shuddering breath as he covers his face with his hands.
Kari shifts beside him, and he feels her hand on his back as she whispers, "Baby?"
"Don't," he mutters, shaking his head as he hurries to get out of bed. "Just - leave me alone for a while, okay?"
He doesn't look at her as he leaves the room, pulling the door shut behind him a little harder than intended.
"Shit," he gasps, pressing the heels of his hands hard against his forehead. He paces around the living room, his heart racing, feeling like he's about to explode, and wonders if this is what a panic attack feels like. He flashes back to when Hannah used to get them after the kidnapping, and tries to remember what she would do. He hears her voice in his head - slow, deep breaths, take your time, it's okay, I'm right here - and recalls that it's what he used to tell her. Not that she's there, but Kari is, and when he's calmed down, he'll go back into the bedroom and apologize for being so brusque with her, if she's still awake.
Closing his eyes, he inhales deeply, trying to relax. His nightmare keeps flashing through his mind, Tony bleeding to death on the ground, trying to speak, but instead of saying Jeannie's name, he says, "This is your fault."
"It's not," Chris mutters to himself, taking another deep breath. He'd finally believed that after talking with Jeannie, knowing she was telling the truth when she said she didn't blame him (and who would have more right to blame him than her?), and knowing she was right when she said that Tony wouldn't either.
There was nothing he could've done that would've saved Tony, and he thinks again about the calm look that came over his friend's face when Chris told him he was there. In the chaos of the moment, and in the immediate aftermath, that look had seemed to Chris like Tony thought he would be saved, that he would make it through okay.
Now, Chris realizes, that look had been one of trust, that Tony had known it was the end for him and was comforted by Chris's presence in those last few seconds.
If he had to die... I'm especially glad that you were with him.
No matter how he looks at it, it will never be okay that Tony died, but the pain in Chris's heart eases at the thought that he was a comfort to the other man right at the end.
Chris moves to sink onto the couch, his heart rate and breathing finally at a normal speed again, and runs his hands through his hair. He doesn't like feeling like he's shutting Kari out, because that's not who he is, or what their relationship is about, but he feels like this is something he has to come to terms with on his own.
Once he finally feels calm again, he stands and heads back into the bedroom, climbing back into bed behind Kari.
"You okay?" she asks softly.
"Yeah," he replies as he shifts closer to her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her to him. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she murmurs, taking his hand and weaving her fingers through his, "I just - I want to help you."
"You're helping me right now," he says, kissing her shoulder as she lifts his hand to her lips. "I love you."
"I love you too," she breathes over his knuckles, and he smiles against her shoulder.
Sunday dawns like any other spring day, sunny and warm, and while Chris always thinks of funerals taking place on gloomy, rainy days, he thinks this is a better sendoff for Tony.
Kari checks him over just before they leave the apartment, tugging on his tie and smoothing her hands over his shoulders as she lifts her gaze to his face.
"Are you still okay to speak at the funeral?" she murmurs.
Jeannie had called Friday afternoon to ask if Chris wanted to speak at Tony's funeral, and after a moment of hesitation, he'd agreed, thinking it might make it easier for him to cope.
It had worked, spending the last couple of days thinking back over his decade long friendship with the other man, and he smiles now as he nods. "Yeah, I'm okay."
"Ready to go?"
"Almost." He dips his head to kiss her, and then pulls her into a hug, burying his face in her neck and closing his eyes as she rubs her hand over his back, sighing and letting her calm and steady him.
After a few moments, he pulls back and takes a deep breath.
"Okay. Let's go."
When they arrive at the church, they settle in a pew with Hannah, Eli, David, and Juliet, and Kari asks where Nicholas is.
"We left him with John," Hannah says quietly. "We didn't want to risk him being noisy or fussy during the service, especially since he tends to get upset when I cry, but we'll pick him up on the way to the reception."
Kari nods, and then Chris looks up when he feels a hand on his shoulder, seeing Jeannie standing next to the pew.
"Hey," he murmurs, standing to hug her. She clings to him for a moment, and he rubs his hand over her back, certain that today has already been rough on her.
"Hey," she says when they pull apart, smiling even though her eyes are red. "I just wanted to come say hi, and make sure you were still okay about speaking."
"Yeah, of course. Don't worry about me."
Jeannie looks at Kari. "Do you mind if I borrow him for a second? I just want to introduce him to some people."
Kari smiles and shakes her head. "Not at all."
Jeannie takes Chris to the front row, where she introduces him to the rest of her brothers, Marcus and Leonard, her parents, George and Felicia, Tony's parents, Malcolm and Sheila, and his sister, Marianne. Malcolm nods, but doesn't stand, his arm around his wife, who has a white handkerchief pressed against her mouth.
"It's been kind of rough," Marianne murmurs, drawing Chris's attention.
"I can only imagine," he replies.
"I'm in the Army, and I've been deployed to the Middle East twice, so between Tony and me, we always sort of morbidly joked about which one of us would -" She breaks off with a quick breath. "I never thought it'd be him."
"I'm sorry for your loss. I know how horribly cliché that sounds, but I really am."
"I know." Marianne smiles faintly. "I know you and Tony were close, he talked about you sometimes, and I'm sorry for your loss too. It doesn't hurt any less for you just because you're not his family."
Chris nods, and Marianne raises her eyebrows.
"Jeannie said you were going to speak?"
Chris nods again, pulling a sheet of paper from the inside of his suit jacket and staring down at it.
"I'm not gonna like, read it like a speech or something, it's just some notes..." He stares at the paper a moment longer, and then looks up at her again. "I don't want to forget anything."
"I look forward to hearing it," she murmurs. "I knew Tony as a sometimes pain in the ass little brother, but I think it'll be nice to sort of see him through your eyes."
"I just hope I can do him justice," Chris says quietly.
"I'm sure you will," Marianne replies with a soft smile, which Chris returns.
The church is nearly full now, and Chris says he'll see Marianne later before moving back to his seat.
When it comes time for him to speak, he heads up to the podium and carefully lays his notes down on the wooden surface. He takes a breath to compose himself, his hands gripping the edge of the podium, and then begins to talk, though he can't yet bring himself to look out over the congregation.
"Tony and I met almost 11 years ago on our first day at the D.C. FBI field office. He was new to the FBI, while I had just transferred, but we were the only two new guys in the division, and it bonded us on that very first day. I remember being impressed, because it's not very many agents that get D.C. as their first assignment, and I thought to myself, 'Wow, this guy must really be something'."
A vague smile curves Chris's lips, and he finally looks up. "And he was. I've heard so many stories about Tony, not just over the past few days, but over the past 11 years, and between that and my own experiences with him, I know that he was a kind, sweet, funny, warm, genuine person, not to mention an incredibly loving and devoted husband. He was also rather quiet and reserved, which made a lot of people underestimate him, but I think he used that to his advantage. The element of surprise can be very beneficial in our line of work."
There's a quiet ripple of laughter, and Chris smiles again.
"Tony was also a very private person, and there was a lot I didn't know about him, but I'm learning more, hearing stories from those of you who knew him in different ways, and I know he'll never be forgotten. And while I'm sure he never thought of himself as a hero, he was, to me, and I'm sure to many of you, and to the countless people he helped as an FBI agent."
Chris takes a deep breath. "Tony's final act was a heroic one, but his final thought was one of love, and if that doesn't sum him up, then I don't know what does."
Chris takes another deep breath, feeling tears rising in his eyes. "Today we say goodbye to a friend, a brother, a son, a husband, but above all, to a good man." His voice cracks, and he sighs as he folds his notes up to slide them back inside his jacket.
"Until we meet again, buddy."
Later that night, Kari smiles as she sinks down on the couch beside Chris, resting her hand on his leg as his arm goes around her shoulders.
"You okay?" she asks softly.
"Yeah. I think it's gonna hurt for a while longer, but I'm okay."
Kari nods, sweeping her thumb over his thigh. "You can talk to me. You know, when it hurts or if you need to vent or anything."
"I know. I'm sorry if it seems like I've been shutting you out. I don't mean to, it just feels like this is something I need to deal with on my own. But I promise I'll talk to you if it starts to get to be too much."
Kari nods again, and then presses her lips together before asking, "Are you still thinking about quitting?"
Chris sighs. "Not really. I mean, I still don't like the idea of anybody else getting hurt because of -" He breaks off, frowning, and then continues. "While they're with me, but I know that's a risk. It's always been a risk, but I think I'm just so close to these guys now. I don't like imagining any of them getting hurt." Kari nods once more, her thumb still moving on his leg, and he takes a breath as he lays his hand in his lap, palm up. She accepts the invitation, sliding her hand over his. "It's going to be really weird going back tomorrow and not seeing him there, though."
She squeezes his fingers. "My shift doesn't start until two tomorrow, do you want to have lunch? Maybe it'll help sort of break things up."
"Yeah," Chris murmurs, smiling as he looks over at her. "I think that'd be good."
Kari smiles back at him. "It'll get better, baby."
"I know. Thank you for putting up with me these last few days."
Kari shakes her head. "I'm your wife, that's kind of my job."
Chris gives a short laugh and nods as he looks over at her again. "I love you."
"I love you too," she replies, smiling as he bends his head to kiss her.
Author: Mary (stillxmyxheart)
Beta: Lindsay (rowofstars)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Character death
Genre: Angst, Family, Friendship
Word Count: 7,576
Characters/Pairings: Chris, Tony, Eli, David, Kari, Hannah, Jeannie (Chris/Kari, Hannah/Eli, Tony/Jeannie)
A/N: Tony started out as purely a background character; if you recall, he's referred to by his last name in the early stuff. But once Chris became a more important character, so too did Tony. He was still a minor character, but he ended up taking over the role I initially imagined for Chris, and once he became more prominent, I cast Lee Thompson Young in the role (an in joke with my brother-in-law was that he could play Tony when AEFAE was made into a movie, which is where Tony's first name came from). I adored Lee; I'd only ever seen him in Rizzoli & Isles, but there was just something about him that drew me to him, he was cute, a good actor, a kind person by all accounts, though I always felt that was obvious just from looking at him, and he had such a great smile. All of that made him a perfect Tony in my head.
And then last August came the news that Lee had died. I was devastated; I cried all day after hearing about it. And one of my first thoughts was that I would have to kill Tony off. There was no other solution for me; just thinking about Lee still makes me tear up, even now, and I knew there was no way I could continue to write Tony into things without thinking of Lee and feeling that pain all over again, and I couldn't just send him away, have him be transferred to another field office or something, because he would still be there, in the subconscious of the 'verse, and the thought of just having him be in another city somewhere felt hollow to me, like there was some promise that he'd be back, when I knew he would never be.
So this fic is my goodbye to Lee, and to Tony, and is, I hope, a proper sendoff. (Timeline wise, this takes place during the last fic, in the month where Maddie and Ben are in California.)
"God, I still can't believe Kari and I are having twins," Chris says as he, Tony, and Eli step from The Pint and into the early April sunshine.
"Me neither," Eli replies. "I got paranoid that Han might be having more than one too, but she had her ultrasound just a couple of days ago, and there's only one in there. I don't think we could handle two newborns and Nicky all at the same time."
"Chris would have enough problems with one baby," Tony teases. "God knows how he's gonna deal with two."
"Shut up," Chris retorts as Tony and Eli laugh. "I don't see you and Jeannie with kids yet, you don't get to make fun of me."
Something flashes over Tony's face at that, so quick that Chris thinks he imagined it, and then Eli speaks.
"You just better hope that it's a boy and a girl, because you'd never be able to tell them apart otherwise."
Chris opens his mouth to argue, and then sighs. "Yeah, you're probably right."
Eli and Tony laugh again, and Tony shakes his head as he claps a hand on Chris's shoulder.
"All kidding aside, though, you're gonna be fine, Chris. I mean, it's gonna be tougher having two babies instead of just one, but I think between you and Kari, you guys are gonna be great parents. And you know we're all here to help, even if we don't all have babies."
Chris gives a short laugh as Eli hums his agreement, and nods. "Thanks, guys."
Chris sits numbly in the chair, staring down at his hands.
The blood is gone now, washed away down the drain, but he can still see it in his mind, seeping through his fingers, coating his wedding ring, staining the edges of his sleeves.
His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows now, hiding the red marks, and he scrubbed his wedding ring until it gleamed, but he thinks he may have to take it in and have it professionally cleaned. He rubs his hands together, resisting the urge to get up and wash them for the fourth time.
All he can think of is the blood, and the fear on his friend's face, and the way his lips tried to form words, but Chris had whispered, "Shh, man, don't talk. Help will be here soon. Everything's going to be okay. I'm right here, okay?"
Help didn't get there fast enough.
Now he just sits, feeling numb, waiting for David to show up.
A minute passes, during which he continues to rub his hands together, and then he stands, shuffling down the hall to the bathroom once more.
Eli looks up when he senses someone come to a stop next to his workstation, and frowns in confusion when he sees who it is.
"David? What are you doing here?"
"I need you to clock out, get your stuff together, and come with me," he says quietly.
"What -"
"Now, Eli."
Still frowning, Eli moves to obey, and then stands, following David down the corridor. The other man leads him into an interview room, and Eli shakes his head, hopelessly confused.
"David, what's going on? Is something wrong?" His eyes widen suddenly. "Is it Nicky? Or Hannah, is something wrong with the baby -"
"No, it's none of that, it's -" David hesitates, running a hand over his mouth, and then sighs, his hands dropping to rest on his hips. "Chris and Tony went out earlier to look into something on a case, and something happened - I'm not sure what yet, exactly - but Tony was killed."
Eli stares at him, his mouth suddenly dry, and then steps back, blindly reaching for a chair and dropping down into it. He can't speak for a long moment, and David stands quietly, his head down and his arms crossed over his chest, letting Eli process this.
"I just - we had lunch just a couple hours ago," Eli finally murmurs, his eyes stinging. "Is - is Chris okay?"
"As far as I know. Physically, anyway." David takes a deep breath. "I'm about to go talk to him, and then I want you to take him home, and then you can go home. I've cleared it with your boss already."
Eli nods, feeling tears slide down his cheeks, though he makes no move to wipe them away, or to stand.
"I'm sorry, Eli," David whispers. "I know you guys were good friends, that's why I wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone else. And I figured Chris is most likely to listen to you and go with you, but if you don't think you can handle it, that's okay."
"No, it's fine," Eli replies, sniffling as he shakes his head. "I just - I need a minute."
David nods, and they fall silent. Eli stays seated, gripping the back of the chair tightly in one hand, and takes a few deep breaths, willing his emotions in check, at least until he can get home. He knows Chris has to be taking this much harder, and wants to try to be strong for him.
A couple of minutes pass, and then he stands, nodding as he takes one more breath and blows it out slowly.
"Okay, let's go."
"Okay, Chris," David begins quietly a short while later. "Tell me what happened. Just the bare bones, so I know; you'll tell the whole story when you give your statement."
Chris takes a deep breath, his hands clasped between his knees as he stares at the floor.
"Johansson had a kid," he mumbles. "We thought we got them all out, but he grabbed one. He had a knife to the kid's throat, I mean, right to his throat, and we were all too wary to make any sudden moves until we could separate them. I was trying to talk him down, and Tony - he was trying to come from behind, and he was there, he was right there, and then Johansson turned suddenly, like he knew all along, and the hand with the knife like, slashed at Tony. T - Tony jumped back, and I thought he was okay, I thought Johansson missed him, and Johansson threw the kid aside and started to run. The agents in the back grabbed him pretty quick, and I went to check on the kid, and he was fine, but his eyes were - were wide, and he was staring at something, and I looked to see what it was, and it was Tony." Chris's voice catches, the image in his mind so clear. "He had his hand on his neck, Johansson had cut his throat, and there was - was blood, there was so much blood, and right as I looked at him, he fell, and I grabbed him. There was still an ambulance outside, but he'd already lost so much blood, and by the time the paramedics came inside, he - he was already gone."
Chris stops speaking abruptly, his hands rising to grip his head, and David stays silent.
"Has - has anybody told Jeannie yet?" Chris finally asks after a long moment, lifting his gaze to David.
"Not yet -"
"I want to do it."
"Chris, no."
"He was my friend, this is my fault -"
"No," David says again, springing to his feet to catch Chris as he suddenly moves towards the door. "No."
"I have to -"
"No, you don't," David says softly, staring up at the younger man. "You can't go see her now, not like this, not this emotional. This is going to be hard enough on her."
"He was my friend," Chris repeats, his voice wavering, tears welling in his eyes and spilling over when he blinks.
"I know, son." David squeezes Chris's arm, his own eyes bright as he nods. "I know."
Chris sags against the door, covering his eyes with his hand as he cries for a few minutes, and when he seems calm again, David speaks.
"Eli is here," he says quietly. "He's going to take you home. Take the rest of the week off, okay?"
Chris nods, sniffling loudly, and then his eyebrows knit together. "Who's going to tell Jeannie?"
"I will."
Chris nods again, and now he's just tired, exhaustion and grief making him feel heavy. He moves off the door, and he and David step out into the hallway where Eli is sitting in a chair, head bent, hands clasped in front of him. He looks up when he hears their footsteps, and stands as they walk towards him.
"I'm sorry, man," he whispers, looking for a moment like he wants to hug Chris, but then decides against it, his hands fidgeting at his sides.
"Yeah," Chris whispers back.
"You guys go on," David says. "I'll see you later."
Chris and Eli nod, and start down the hall as David heads in the opposite direction.
The drive to Chris and Kari's apartment is silent, both Chris and Eli lost in their thoughts.
"Is Kari home?" Eli asks when they pull into one of the visitor spaces.
"Yeah, she should be, she worked last night, so she got home before I got up this morning."
Chris frowns, thinking back to that morning, Kari climbing into bed with him and their slow, sleepy lovemaking before going to sleep for a couple more hours until he had to get up for work. It seems like it was a week ago, when it was just a few hours.
"I'll go up with you," Eli says, and Chris nods, not in the mood to argue.
"Baby?" Kari calls from the kitchen when the door closes behind them. "You're home early."
Kari appears, a smile on her face, but it fades instantly the moment she sees the somber looks on Chris and Eli's faces.
"What happened?"
Chris and Eli glance at each other, and Chris takes a breath, tears rising in his eyes yet again.
"Um, Tony - Tony died."
Kari's eyes widen. "What? When? What happened?"
Chris shakes his head, unable to say anything more, and Kari moves forward to pull him into her arms, holding him tightly and lifting her hand to his hair as his head falls against her shoulder.
"I'll see you guys later," Eli murmurs, moving towards the door.
Kari looks at him sadly, and he holds up his hand as he steps from the apartment, carefully pulling the door closed behind him.
The house is silent when Eli gets home, and he's reminded of how early it is, figuring Hannah must still be at work and Nicholas in the campus daycare.
Feeling numb, he shuffles into the bedroom to change out of his work clothes, and then returns to the living room, flopping down on the couch and turning on the TV. He doesn't even know what's on this time of day; he just needs something to chase away the quiet and to keep him from thinking too much.
He's watching a movie when Hannah gets home an hour or so later, Nicholas asleep in her arms.
"Hey," she murmurs, surprised, as she drops her bag on the floor by the couch. "You're home early. Is everything okay?"
All he can do is shake his head, because he can feel his throat tightening and the tears in his eyes, and Hannah's expression turns concerned.
"Let me just go put him down, and then we'll talk."
The TV is off when she returns, and she settles next to him on the couch, asking what's wrong. He takes a breath before looking up at her, wishing there was a more delicate way to say this, because it's going to hurt her just as much as it's hurt him.
"Chris and Tony went out earlier to look into something to do with a case," he begins, hearing David's voice in his head, knowing he's repeating what David told him earlier. "Something happened, and - and Tony was killed."
Hannah stares at him, her eyes wide, and then her hands rise to cover her mouth as she says in a small voice, "Tony's dead?"
Eli nods, and then she's in his arms and they're both crying, holding each other tightly.
It's a long while before they stop, though they don't pull apart, curled together on the couch, arms still around each other.
"I can't believe it," Hannah murmurs, sniffling softly, her fingers lightly gripping Eli's shirt as he strokes her hair.
"I know," he replies. "Like, I just saw him earlier today, I had lunch with him and Chris, and then a couple of hours later, there's David, telling me to clock out and pack up my stuff. At first I was scared that it was something wrong with you or Nicky or the baby, but then David told me, and I just - it's like I couldn't breathe for a second. I've never lost a friend like this."
"Me neither. The only person I've known that's died was my grandma."
"Yeah, I lost all of my grandparents, though the only ones that really affected me were Grandma and Grandpa Kaminski, my mom's parents. After my mom told me about them being in the Holocaust, they started to tell me stories about growing up in Poland. Not really anything about the war, but stuff from before then, and then after they left, when they got to New York. It was always my favorite part about when they came to visit, or when we'd go to see them, getting to hear their stories."
Hannah smiles a little at that, and then it grows wider as a memory suddenly presents itself.
"Tony pretended to be my boyfriend once."
Eli gives a short laugh. "What?"
"Before I met you, obviously. It was right after I'd broken up with Seth, when Chris and I started getting closer as friends. I'd met Tony, but we hadn't really talked or anything, but one night I was out with him and Chris and some other people, and this guy started like, harassing me. You know, wanting to buy me a drink, telling me I was pretty, wanting to dance, that sort of stuff, but it made me uncomfortable. But I didn't really know what to do about it back then, I wasn't all that confident, and I didn't like confrontation. At first I just ignored him, and then I started asking him to stop, but he wouldn't. I was looking around for Chris - he usually stuck pretty close, and I think a lot of people assumed he was my boyfriend or something - but he'd gone off somewhere, and I was starting to get scared, and then out of nowhere, Tony suddenly steps up and tells the guy to back off. I don't remember what the guy said exactly, but he basically asked if Tony was my boyfriend, and without even a hint of hesitation, he said yes, and then he put his arm around me, asking if I was okay, and then, I still remember this so clearly, there was this moment where his back was to the guy, and he was facing me, and he goes, 'Is it okay if I kiss you? Just to make this guy go away?' I nodded, and he gave me this sweet little kiss, and the guy finally left, though Tony kept his arm around me for a couple more minutes. I thanked him, and he just smiled and shook his head, and then he said he just hoped his girlfriend wouldn't be too mad when he told her about it later."
Eli laughs again. "Was she?"
"No," Hannah replies, smiling fondly. "The next time I saw him, he said that Jeannie just thought he was sweet for protecting me."
A beat passes, and then she sighs, her head dropping against Eli's chest again.
"He was just such a good guy," she murmurs. "I'm really gonna miss him."
Eli nods, whispering, "Me too," against her hair.
Later that night, Chris and Kari are on the couch, watching TV. Chris hasn't said much since he told Kari what happened, and her hand rubs over his back, her gaze continually flicking to him.
"Baby," she begins softly, "are you sure you don't want to eat anything?"
Chris shakes his head. "I'm not hungry." He looks at her. "You ate, though, right?"
She nods, the corners of her mouth rising. "Yeah, I ate."
They fall silent again, and after a few minutes, Chris sighs.
"I just keep thinking about him," he says quietly. "He was so scared, and I told him it was gonna be okay, that he was going to be fine, but I think part of me knew that wasn't true. And he kept trying to talk - I think he was trying to say Jeannie's name - and I said I knew, that I would tell her, and that seemed to calm him down. And - and then he was gone." He shakes his head. "And I just keep thinking that it's my fault."
"Honey, it's not," Kari murmurs, shifting closer and laying her hand over his where it rests on his thigh.
"But he was with me. David got shot with me, Tony died with me, who else is going to get hurt or - or die because of me? What if it's Eli next time? I know we don't work in the same division anymore, but there's still a chance, and how could I ever face Hannah again if something happened to Eli because of me? Or what if something happens to you or the twins because of me? Or hell, what if something happens to me? I can't bear the thought of something happening to me, and leaving you with the twins, the thought of not knowing my babies."
He stands abruptly, running a hand through his hair.
"Maybe I should just quit."
"Chris -"
"That way nobody else will get hurt because of me. Nobody else will die because of me."
"Baby, please," Kari says, standing and moving towards him. She lifts her hands to his face to get him to look at her, her eyebrows knitting together. "This isn't your fault -"
Chris shakes his head, lifting his hands to pull hers away, his fingers curling around her palms before he gently lets them go.
"I'm going to bed."
Kari watches him disappear into the bedroom, the door closing with a quiet click behind him, and lifts her hand to her mouth, blinking against the tears that sting her eyes.
Late the next morning, Chris texts Jeannie, asking if she's okay with him coming to see her. He needs to see her, needs to apologize for what happened.
She texts him back readily enough, inviting him to eat lunch with her, and Kari smiles and shakes her head when he asks if she minds.
"Not at all. You have lunch with Jeannie, and then maybe you and I can go out tonight?"
"Maybe," Chris replies, giving her a small smile as he bends his head to kiss her. "I'll be home in a little while."
A short while later, he knocks on Jeannie's door and shoves his hands into his pockets as he waits for her to answer.
When the door opens, he looks up, taking a breath to speak, and then freezes when he sees the man in front of him, so tall and broad he pretty effectively fills the doorway.
"Um, I'm here to see Jeannie."
The man opens his mouth to speak, but Jeannie's voice interrupts him. "James, it's Chris, let him in."
The man steps back and Chris moves inside, glancing at the man before his gaze moves to Jeannie.
"What, did you think he was my secret lover?" Jeannie asks, her expression mildly amused as she looks at the man, who looks vaguely ashamed.
"James, this is Chris, he worked with Tony. Chris, this is my baby brother James."
The two men shake hands, and Chris raises his eyebrows. "I hope you play football, because you're definitely big enough for it."
"I do," James confirms, grinning a little.
"C'mon, let's eat lunch," Jeannie says, moving towards the kitchen. "Cooking relaxes me, so I made both your and James's favorite, fried chicken and potatoes."
"Oh, Kari's gonna be sad to know she missed out on this," Chris murmurs.
"Well, you know me, there's probably more than enough for the three of us, so you can take some home to her."
Chris smiles and nods, and they all settle around the table to eat.
When they're finished, Chris starts to help clear the table, but James gently rebukes him.
"I've got it, you and Jeannie go talk."
"Thanks, James," Jeannie murmurs, squeezing his arm before she and Chris head into the living room.
"How are you?" Chris asks as they settle on the couch, and then shakes his head. "I'm sorry, that's a stupid question."
Jeannie shakes her head too, smiling gently. "I'm... okay. Yesterday was the worst, obviously. Broke down crying when David told me what had happened, and he stayed with me for a little while, helping me make the calls to all the family. He didn't want to leave me, but I knew he had to get back to work, and I just kind of wanted to be alone. Today, it doesn't quite feel real. It's like he's just at work, you know? When you texted me earlier, I thought it was him, because it was lunch time, and he always texted me at lunch time, and then I remembered, and it hit me all over again." She takes a deep breath, and then continues. "James came up late last night, he lives in Philadelphia, so he's the closest. Everyone else will be here tomorrow. The - the funeral -" Her voice breaks a little on that, and Chris's heart aches. "It's on Sunday."
Chris nods, his throat tight as he looks down at his hands, and then he shakes his head once more.
"I'm sorry, Jeannie, I'm so sorry."
"For what?" she asks, her expression bewildered when he looks at her again.
"For Tony, I -"
"Chris, this isn't your fault."
"But I -"
"Listen to me," she says, reaching for his hand. "This is not your fault. I don't blame you at all. I've always known this was a possibility, and while I never really thought it would actually happen, it's not your fault."
"But he was with me -"
"Yes, and if he had to die, I'm glad it was doing something he loved, and I'm especially glad that you were with him. He cared about you a lot, Chris, you were one of his best friends, and knowing that you were there with him makes this a little bit easier to deal with." She lifts her other hand to his face, her eyes shining with tears. "Please don't blame yourself for this, because I don't, and I know that he wouldn't either."
Chris stares at her, seeing the tears in her eyes, the grief on her face, and knows that she's telling the truth, that she doesn't blame him. Above everything, while he's mourning the loss of his friend, she's mourning the loss of her husband, the man Chris heard her refer to as the love of her life more than once, and he pulls her to him in a tight hug, holding her as she cries.
"I miss him so much," she whispers after a few minutes, sniffling against his chest.
"I know," he replies, sweeping his thumb over the curve of her shoulder. "You were his last thought; he tried to say your name. I think he wanted me to tell you that he loved you."
"I know he did. That's the one thing I never doubted with Tony, was how much he loved me. Did he ever tell you how we met?"
"I know you guys met in high school, is there more to it than that?"
"Kind of." They shift to get a little more comfortable, Jeannie tucked against Chris's side, his arm still around her. "We met in high school, but when we got to college, we both sort of... wanted more. Like, all we'd ever known was each other, we were each other's first everything, and for the most part, we were fine with that, but at the same time, we both couldn't help feeling like we wanted to branch out. So we agreed that we would experience other people, and for about a year, or, well, two semesters, we did. We didn't break up or anything, we stayed together the whole time, but we had this understanding that if one of us found someone we wanted to be with more, then the other would accept it."
"Did that happen? I mean, obviously you guys got married, but did you break up for real?"
"No," Jeannie replies, and Chris can hear the smile in her voice. "If anything, the whole experience made us closer. We 'dated' three people each - that wasn't a set limit or anything, that's just how it worked out - and we would compare notes, we would tell each other if there was something the new person did that we liked, whether it was in bed or otherwise. We learned from it, and when we decided it was over, we knew we only wanted to be with each other, and our relationship was stronger for it."
"I never would've guessed you guys did that, but at the same time, I'm somehow not surprised."
"I know we probably seemed like a boring married couple on the outside, but there was a lot of love, and a lot of passion between us."
"I never thought you guys were boring," Chris murmurs. "To be honest, I kind of admired your relationship. I mean, you guys had been together since high school, and so many of those relationships don't last, but you did, and it was always so obvious how much you still loved each other. Even though he was younger than me, I sort of looked up to Tony for that, for being so sure about what he wanted."
"Well, you got the love of your life too, even if it took you a few years," Jeannie says, shrugging. "Everyone does things at their own pace."
Chris nods, and they're silent for a moment before he asks, "Is your last memory of him a good one?"
"My last physical memory of him is when he left for work yesterday morning. He kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me, and said he'd see me for dinner." The last word is cut off abruptly, and Chris tightens his grip on her, closing his eyes.
She takes a breath and then continues, "My last memory of him altogether is when he texted me at lunch, like always, just to ask me how my day was going, and said he was going to lunch with you and Eli. Did you guys have a good time together?"
"We did. It wasn't anything terribly special, just lunch at The Pint, but it was the three of us, and that was always my favorite. They teased me about the babies some more, saying I was gonna have enough problems with one baby, but now there's two, saying I should hope it's a girl and a boy so I can tell them apart - they're not wrong about that part."
Jeannie laughs softly, and Chris grins a little.
"You're gonna do fine, Chris. I think you're going to be a wonderful dad, regardless of the fact that you're having two at once."
"Yeah, Tony said that, once they were done laughing at my expense."
Jeannie laughs again, and there's another beat of silence before he shifts.
"Yesterday, when they were doing all of that, I said something about how Tony shouldn't be making fun of me, since you guys don't have kids, and he kind of got this look, and -"
"We couldn't have kids," Jeannie interjects softly. "Well, more specifically, I couldn't have kids."
Chris grimaces, closing his eyes for a second, and then shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I had no idea."
"Don't be sorry. A lot of people don't know. Our families are pretty much the only ones who know. Tony liked to keep certain things private, and that was something that just... never came up. We've known about it for a long time, and it's sort of stopped being a sore spot, but over the past couple of years, with Hannah and Eli having Nicholas, and then with Hannah and Kari announcing they were pregnant last month, the itch sort of came back, especially for Tony. While he never blamed me, or got mad at me, for not being able to have a baby, I know how much he wanted to be a dad. Recently we'd sort of started talking about adoption. Not really seriously yet, just talking about if it's what we wanted, if we could afford it, stuff like that. Mostly idle conversation."
"I'm so sorry, Jeannie," Chris murmurs, the words catching in his throat. "He would've been an amazing dad."
"He would have," she agrees softly. "But he also knew that there was a chance he might never be one, and he was okay with that. When we found out I couldn't get pregnant, I was so upset, and I asked if he wanted to break off the engagement. He just looked at me like I was the craziest person he'd ever seen, and he said, 'I'm not marrying you because I want you to give me babies. I'm marrying you because I love you. Everything else is secondary.' And I just fell in love with him all over again."
Chris smiles. "Do you think you'll ever get married again?"
"I don't know. When we talked about something like this happening, Tony always said that if I found love again, I should go after it, so maybe if the right person came along. I do know that I'm not staying in Arlington."
Chris sits up, looking at her in surprise. "You're not?"
"All of my family lives down south. The FBI was the only reason we came here, and now - there's no reason for me to be here anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love you, I love all of the friends I've made here, but I think staying here would be too much of a reminder of him. My parents live in South Carolina, so I think that's where I'll go. It won't be right away, I might stay another year. See how those twins of yours turn out."
Chris laughs softly and pulls her into a hug. "I'll miss you when you go."
"I'll miss you too. You've been a good friend these past ten years."
"God, ten years. Now I feel old."
"Me too," Jeannie says with a quiet laugh.
There's a shuffle of footsteps, and then James's voice sounds. "Nettie, we gotta go."
"Oh, right, the appointment at the funeral home," Jeannie murmurs, and Chris sees the grief all over her face again as they stand, but she smiles as she looks up at him.
"Thank you so much for coming to see me, Chris. Really. I know this is hard on you too, and don't be afraid to feel whatever you need to feel, but remember what I said: this isn't your fault."
Chris nods, and kisses her cheek as they hug once more.
"If I don't see you before then, I'll see you Sunday," she says, tears flirting with the corner of her eyes. "And tell Kari hello for me."
"I will. And let us know if you need anything at all, we're glad to help in any way that we can."
Jeannie nods, giving him one more small smile, and then turns and heads down the hall towards her bedroom as Chris moves for the front door, James trailing behind him.
"Here's the food for your wife," James says, holding out a large plastic container. "I put a lot in there, and there's still a lot left over. Jeannie just can't help herself."
Chris laughs softly and nods, thanking him as he accepts the container.
"I wish we could've met under better circumstances," Chris murmurs as he looks up again. "Jeannie's talked so much about you and her other brothers."
"I'm sorry if I scared you earlier. I know how people get when somebody dies, and I want to keep my sister from having to deal with a lot of bullshit. But I know you were a good friend to Tony, from what I heard, and I'm glad it was you who came to see her. I think it was good for her."
Chris raises his eyebrows. "Your sister is a strong woman."
"She really is."
Chris glances in the direction Jeannie left, and then pulls open the door, smiling vaguely as he says, "I'll see you later," before heading for his car.
Later that night, Chris jerks awake and sits up in bed, tears on his cheeks as he stares wildly around.
The fog in his head clears as he sees the familiar landmarks of his and Kari's bedroom, and he takes a deep, shuddering breath as he covers his face with his hands.
Kari shifts beside him, and he feels her hand on his back as she whispers, "Baby?"
"Don't," he mutters, shaking his head as he hurries to get out of bed. "Just - leave me alone for a while, okay?"
He doesn't look at her as he leaves the room, pulling the door shut behind him a little harder than intended.
"Shit," he gasps, pressing the heels of his hands hard against his forehead. He paces around the living room, his heart racing, feeling like he's about to explode, and wonders if this is what a panic attack feels like. He flashes back to when Hannah used to get them after the kidnapping, and tries to remember what she would do. He hears her voice in his head - slow, deep breaths, take your time, it's okay, I'm right here - and recalls that it's what he used to tell her. Not that she's there, but Kari is, and when he's calmed down, he'll go back into the bedroom and apologize for being so brusque with her, if she's still awake.
Closing his eyes, he inhales deeply, trying to relax. His nightmare keeps flashing through his mind, Tony bleeding to death on the ground, trying to speak, but instead of saying Jeannie's name, he says, "This is your fault."
"It's not," Chris mutters to himself, taking another deep breath. He'd finally believed that after talking with Jeannie, knowing she was telling the truth when she said she didn't blame him (and who would have more right to blame him than her?), and knowing she was right when she said that Tony wouldn't either.
There was nothing he could've done that would've saved Tony, and he thinks again about the calm look that came over his friend's face when Chris told him he was there. In the chaos of the moment, and in the immediate aftermath, that look had seemed to Chris like Tony thought he would be saved, that he would make it through okay.
Now, Chris realizes, that look had been one of trust, that Tony had known it was the end for him and was comforted by Chris's presence in those last few seconds.
If he had to die... I'm especially glad that you were with him.
No matter how he looks at it, it will never be okay that Tony died, but the pain in Chris's heart eases at the thought that he was a comfort to the other man right at the end.
Chris moves to sink onto the couch, his heart rate and breathing finally at a normal speed again, and runs his hands through his hair. He doesn't like feeling like he's shutting Kari out, because that's not who he is, or what their relationship is about, but he feels like this is something he has to come to terms with on his own.
Once he finally feels calm again, he stands and heads back into the bedroom, climbing back into bed behind Kari.
"You okay?" she asks softly.
"Yeah," he replies as he shifts closer to her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her to him. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she murmurs, taking his hand and weaving her fingers through his, "I just - I want to help you."
"You're helping me right now," he says, kissing her shoulder as she lifts his hand to her lips. "I love you."
"I love you too," she breathes over his knuckles, and he smiles against her shoulder.
Sunday dawns like any other spring day, sunny and warm, and while Chris always thinks of funerals taking place on gloomy, rainy days, he thinks this is a better sendoff for Tony.
Kari checks him over just before they leave the apartment, tugging on his tie and smoothing her hands over his shoulders as she lifts her gaze to his face.
"Are you still okay to speak at the funeral?" she murmurs.
Jeannie had called Friday afternoon to ask if Chris wanted to speak at Tony's funeral, and after a moment of hesitation, he'd agreed, thinking it might make it easier for him to cope.
It had worked, spending the last couple of days thinking back over his decade long friendship with the other man, and he smiles now as he nods. "Yeah, I'm okay."
"Ready to go?"
"Almost." He dips his head to kiss her, and then pulls her into a hug, burying his face in her neck and closing his eyes as she rubs her hand over his back, sighing and letting her calm and steady him.
After a few moments, he pulls back and takes a deep breath.
"Okay. Let's go."
When they arrive at the church, they settle in a pew with Hannah, Eli, David, and Juliet, and Kari asks where Nicholas is.
"We left him with John," Hannah says quietly. "We didn't want to risk him being noisy or fussy during the service, especially since he tends to get upset when I cry, but we'll pick him up on the way to the reception."
Kari nods, and then Chris looks up when he feels a hand on his shoulder, seeing Jeannie standing next to the pew.
"Hey," he murmurs, standing to hug her. She clings to him for a moment, and he rubs his hand over her back, certain that today has already been rough on her.
"Hey," she says when they pull apart, smiling even though her eyes are red. "I just wanted to come say hi, and make sure you were still okay about speaking."
"Yeah, of course. Don't worry about me."
Jeannie looks at Kari. "Do you mind if I borrow him for a second? I just want to introduce him to some people."
Kari smiles and shakes her head. "Not at all."
Jeannie takes Chris to the front row, where she introduces him to the rest of her brothers, Marcus and Leonard, her parents, George and Felicia, Tony's parents, Malcolm and Sheila, and his sister, Marianne. Malcolm nods, but doesn't stand, his arm around his wife, who has a white handkerchief pressed against her mouth.
"It's been kind of rough," Marianne murmurs, drawing Chris's attention.
"I can only imagine," he replies.
"I'm in the Army, and I've been deployed to the Middle East twice, so between Tony and me, we always sort of morbidly joked about which one of us would -" She breaks off with a quick breath. "I never thought it'd be him."
"I'm sorry for your loss. I know how horribly cliché that sounds, but I really am."
"I know." Marianne smiles faintly. "I know you and Tony were close, he talked about you sometimes, and I'm sorry for your loss too. It doesn't hurt any less for you just because you're not his family."
Chris nods, and Marianne raises her eyebrows.
"Jeannie said you were going to speak?"
Chris nods again, pulling a sheet of paper from the inside of his suit jacket and staring down at it.
"I'm not gonna like, read it like a speech or something, it's just some notes..." He stares at the paper a moment longer, and then looks up at her again. "I don't want to forget anything."
"I look forward to hearing it," she murmurs. "I knew Tony as a sometimes pain in the ass little brother, but I think it'll be nice to sort of see him through your eyes."
"I just hope I can do him justice," Chris says quietly.
"I'm sure you will," Marianne replies with a soft smile, which Chris returns.
The church is nearly full now, and Chris says he'll see Marianne later before moving back to his seat.
When it comes time for him to speak, he heads up to the podium and carefully lays his notes down on the wooden surface. He takes a breath to compose himself, his hands gripping the edge of the podium, and then begins to talk, though he can't yet bring himself to look out over the congregation.
"Tony and I met almost 11 years ago on our first day at the D.C. FBI field office. He was new to the FBI, while I had just transferred, but we were the only two new guys in the division, and it bonded us on that very first day. I remember being impressed, because it's not very many agents that get D.C. as their first assignment, and I thought to myself, 'Wow, this guy must really be something'."
A vague smile curves Chris's lips, and he finally looks up. "And he was. I've heard so many stories about Tony, not just over the past few days, but over the past 11 years, and between that and my own experiences with him, I know that he was a kind, sweet, funny, warm, genuine person, not to mention an incredibly loving and devoted husband. He was also rather quiet and reserved, which made a lot of people underestimate him, but I think he used that to his advantage. The element of surprise can be very beneficial in our line of work."
There's a quiet ripple of laughter, and Chris smiles again.
"Tony was also a very private person, and there was a lot I didn't know about him, but I'm learning more, hearing stories from those of you who knew him in different ways, and I know he'll never be forgotten. And while I'm sure he never thought of himself as a hero, he was, to me, and I'm sure to many of you, and to the countless people he helped as an FBI agent."
Chris takes a deep breath. "Tony's final act was a heroic one, but his final thought was one of love, and if that doesn't sum him up, then I don't know what does."
Chris takes another deep breath, feeling tears rising in his eyes. "Today we say goodbye to a friend, a brother, a son, a husband, but above all, to a good man." His voice cracks, and he sighs as he folds his notes up to slide them back inside his jacket.
"Until we meet again, buddy."
Later that night, Kari smiles as she sinks down on the couch beside Chris, resting her hand on his leg as his arm goes around her shoulders.
"You okay?" she asks softly.
"Yeah. I think it's gonna hurt for a while longer, but I'm okay."
Kari nods, sweeping her thumb over his thigh. "You can talk to me. You know, when it hurts or if you need to vent or anything."
"I know. I'm sorry if it seems like I've been shutting you out. I don't mean to, it just feels like this is something I need to deal with on my own. But I promise I'll talk to you if it starts to get to be too much."
Kari nods again, and then presses her lips together before asking, "Are you still thinking about quitting?"
Chris sighs. "Not really. I mean, I still don't like the idea of anybody else getting hurt because of -" He breaks off, frowning, and then continues. "While they're with me, but I know that's a risk. It's always been a risk, but I think I'm just so close to these guys now. I don't like imagining any of them getting hurt." Kari nods once more, her thumb still moving on his leg, and he takes a breath as he lays his hand in his lap, palm up. She accepts the invitation, sliding her hand over his. "It's going to be really weird going back tomorrow and not seeing him there, though."
She squeezes his fingers. "My shift doesn't start until two tomorrow, do you want to have lunch? Maybe it'll help sort of break things up."
"Yeah," Chris murmurs, smiling as he looks over at her. "I think that'd be good."
Kari smiles back at him. "It'll get better, baby."
"I know. Thank you for putting up with me these last few days."
Kari shakes her head. "I'm your wife, that's kind of my job."
Chris gives a short laugh and nods as he looks over at her again. "I love you."
"I love you too," she replies, smiling as he bends his head to kiss her.