Straight Boys, 4
Title: Straight Boys
Author: heartsdesire456
Rating: NC-17
POV: 3rd
Pairing: Tommy/Sutan, surpise/surprise! lol
Summary: Originally meant to be a short Tommy/Sutan comedy oneshot, this fic has now become an actual fic. Sutan has a crush on his straight friend. In the middle of a dramatic and shocking twist involving the friends, will Tommy's straight become bendy or will Sutan's wishes remain only fantasy?
Warning: 100% 'wtf?!?' fic with NO real point other than 'I was bored'.
Disclaimer: Not mine
Author's Note: I saw about 8 BILLION typos in the last chapter... oops? Lol Don't judge me! PS. Now we're caught up to what I've got written. EEP!
Tommy yawned as he came back with coffee for Cheeks. “Not that I don’t love you immensely, but I sorta went to jail for you last night and didn’t get home until nearly four in the morning, the least you could’ve done is not come around at nine,” he said, curling up against the arm of the couch next to Cheeks. “And why did you need my clothes?” he asked, looking at the shirt Cheeks had stolen.
Cheeks blushed and sipped his coffee. “I forgot to put one on when I left home,” he said and Tommy hummed, closing his eyes as he cuddled his travel mug with bugs bunny on the side like it was a warm teddy bear. “Tommy… have you or would you ever sleep with a guy even when you’re straight, and like… maybe it was an accident?” he asked, and Tommy snorted.
“Not on accident, but yeah… I’d sleep with a guy if it felt right,” he said, and Cheeks raised an eyebrow as Tommy peeked out of one eye. “What?! I let Adam grope me and mouth rape me for a year, do you think I never wondered about doing more with a dude? I even made out with a few boys on tour, just to see if I liked it sexually or just in the ‘kissing is fun’ way.”
Cheeks nodded. “Would you though? I mean… just sleep with a guy just out of curiosity or like… because he was there and you were horny?” he asked awkwardly.
Tommy snickered. “Dude, why are you asking me this shit? Do you really think I would ever be so desperate for a fuck that I’d screw a dude just to avoid jerking off? You don’t just sleep with a guy cause he’s there when you’re straight. I mean, I’m sure some would out of curiosity, but not just because he’s there.” He shrugged. “Or, you know, just because you’re straight doesn’t mean everybody would say no if they met a person of the same gender that they actually liked, I guess.” He yawned. “I’d totally date a guy if I met one I was into like I’m into girls. Just hasn’t happened so I don’t think I’ve got to worry about THAT identity crisis this late in life.” He looked at Cheeks. “So, why’re you asking?” he asked, then wiggled his eyebrows. “Meet a girl?” he teased.
Cheeks snorted. “Ew, God no,” he said, shrugging. “I just… was wondering. Thanks for trying to help me last night,” he said again for the third time that morning.
“Yeah, I heard the first few times-“ Tommy’s phone rang and he whined, picking it up off the table. “Adam it is nine in the morning, why is everybody calling me-“ He stopped and held the phone away slightly as Adam shouted at him through the earpiece. He held it closer, then frowned, only to suddenly go wide eyed and smirk at Cheeks, who gave him a horrified look. “Kitchen nookie, huh?” he asked, and Cheeks went bright red, whining as he covered his face. “I love Eber. Oh God, kitchen nookie!” he giggled. He looked up. “So wait, Cheeks, that’s why you asked about straight guys fucking dudes at random?” he asked. There was a pause and Tommy grinned. “Yeah, Cheeks is here, dude. He showed up all ‘thanks for saving my ass- by the way is it normal for straight boys to sleep with other boys out of the blue’! It was confusing but now I get it.”
“Oh God, my life can’t get worse,” Cheeks said with a whine.
Tommy grinned. “Why yes, he did ‘lose’ his wallet. How kind of Neil to be on his way here right now to give it to me to give to Cheeks, since they ‘got into an argument’,” he said sarcastically and Cheeks groaned and curled in a ball, hiding his face. “Wow, your baby brother fucked one of your exes, that’s amazing!”
“TOMMY!” Cheeks cried, blushing. “Inappropriate!” he said, pointing.
Tommy grinned. “Adam says ‘don’t ever mention somebody having had sex with me and my brother both ever again’ so I have to ask, who has a bigger cock?” he asked, and Brad flushed and shook his head. “It’s Adam isn’t it? I’ve felt it all up on me on stage before, it’s got to be him,” he said, and Cheeks heard Adam shouting at him from the earpiece. “Hey, you were to hard! If that was you half-mast, dude, I weep for your boyfriend, there’s such a thing as too-big, I’m sure!” He smirked. “So, Cheeks, my pal. Who’s is bigger?”
Cheeks groaned and shrugged. “I don’t know, I don’t really remember-“
“HA! So Adam’s dick wasn’t big enough to be memorable? Damn, what do you date, horses?!” he asked, and Brad glared.
“Fine, if you must know, Neil was a little bigger, at least thicker for sure,” he snapped, then flushed and slapped a hand over his mouth at his outburst.
Tommy burst out laughing, curling around his phone and coffee cup. “Oh God, Adam- Adam your brother’s dick is bigger than yours! Aha he is better than you at something! You’re not the golden child in every aspect! He’s smarter and has a bigger dick- Hello? Adam? Hello, Adam, you there?” Tommy asked, then frowned. “Ooh, sore spot,” he said, then smirked. “So… you screwed our buddy Neil,” he said, sighing as he laid back. “That’s too perfect.”
“I hate you,” he spat at Tommy, who just smirked.
“Love you too, sweetums!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tommy insisted on stopping by Adam’s before taking Cheeks home and he could only consent or walk, since he didn’t have his wallet and staying at Tommy’s when Neil was on his way was NOT an option.
When they just traipsed in, courtesy of Tommy’s key, Tommy called out. “ADAM! I brought the falsifier!” he called and Adam slid out of the kitchen, pointing at Cheeks.
“You lie! My brother doesn’t even have a penis, take it back!” he accused.
Cheeks rolled his eyes. “Oh my God, I’m not having this conversation-“
“Take it back, Bradley! I’ve got the biggest dick and you know it,” he commanded.
Tommy giggled and shoved past Adam. “Sauli! Your boyfriend’s about to kill somebody, come see!” he said cheerfully as he went to raid the refrigerator.
Adam huffed. “I’m not going to kill him, but his pants may catch on fire from all the lying!” He walked into the kitchen with Cheeks on his heels. “Sauli, he’s lying!” he said, pouting dramatically. “Baby brother’s don’t have downstairs parts, it’s just a fact!”
“Of course not, baby,” he said, smiling as he held out a plate of toast to Adam, who grabbed a piece with a huff. “So, does he really?” he asked Cheeks, who groaned, putting his face in his hands.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve been more embarrassed this morning than in my whole life before… I don’t get embarrassed!” he emphasized. “But seriously, this morning has just… wow, over the fence and out of the park,” he said, shaking his head.
Sauli raised an eyebrow and Adam laughed. “Baseball reference,” he said, nudging Sauli with his shoulder. “And I also hate you for having to hear my father use the words ‘kitchen nookie’-“ Tommy burst into giggles and Cheeks sighed, letting his head fall to the counter top.
“Oh God, I could kill your entire family starting with you today,” Cheeks said and Adam scoffed.
“All I did was call you on your bluff about the size of my brother’s non-existent boy bits,” he said, biting into his toast viciously.
“You know, the sex last night sorta proves your theory is just self-delusion,” he pointed out, then smirked. “And besides, the cats out of the bag so I’ll go ahead and say it, definitely thicker if memory serves right,” he said with a grin. “Possibly all around bigger I’d bet.”
Tommy hummed. “I should ‘accidentally’ back up when he’s behind me and find out,” he said and Adam just gaped.
Sauli snickered and Tommy nodded at him before stealing a piece of the toast on the plate. “This doesn’t bother you at all? We’re talking about your dude’s dick,” he said, taking a bite before speaking with his mouth full. “Ah meh, we bof haf epewance wif yo gahs pehhis soh of.”
Cheeks stared at him flatly. “That’s disgusting, I don’t know what anybody sees in you,” he said, making a disgusted face. “I speak ‘dude’ and I don’t even know what you said,” he said.
Tommy swallowed. “I asked him if it doesn’t bother him at all that we both know so much abou this dude’s dick,” he said, and Adam frowned.
“Wow, that is what you asked him? I had no idea what you said,” he said, and Sauli chuckled.
“No, I don’t mind at all, I find it amusing really,” he said, then grinned playfully. “Besides, I’m curious, I’ve always wondered about Neil. He’s so different from Adam but they sort of look alike and they’re similar builds… it’s only natural to be curious,” he added and Adam snorted.
“Wow, I love you too, jerk,” he grumbled.
The door opened and shut and Cheeks sighed. “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” he asked and they all waited.
“Adam, Tommy lied, he wasn’t even at his house, so I’m bringing it here, get Sutan to take it to Cheeks!” Neil bitched as he came in, only to stop and stare when he saw Tommy and Cheeks sitting at the counter. “Oh joy,” he said flatly.
Tommy smirked. “So Neil, my good buddy, you can settle an argument for us!” he said and Adam and Cheeks both made horrified sounds.
“Tommy, don’t-“
“He doesn’t have one, I refuse to believe otherwise-“
Tommy looked as if Christmas had come early. “Cheeks here says your dick’s bigger than Adam’s,” he said with a pat on the shoulder of the man banging his head against the counter. “Adam however, swears you’re a Ken doll.”
Neil raised an eyebrow, clearly torn between amused and annoyed. “I don’t know how to react to that,” he said simply. “Other than to say I do actually have a dick,” he said to Adam, pointing. “I wish I could choose to believe you’re a Ken doll but sadly, you wear the smallest pants possible. It’s terrifying and I swear, you nearly put Tommy’s eye out that one time,” he said, and Tommy smirked.
“Wasn’t his fault, it likes pretty blonde boys, it just wanted to say hello,” he said, and Adam glared while everybody else fought giggles or disgusted looks. “Just tell us, Neil, is your dick bigger than your brother’s?” he asked and Neil made a face.
“Seriously?! How the fuck should I know? It isn’t like I’ve looked at my brother naked and compared his body to mine. I’m not actually a pervert,” he said pointedly.
“It isn’t,” Adam said firmly. “You don’t have one-“
“I do, Adam, you’re just a jerk-“
“Oh for fucks sake, Neil’s dick is bigger, CAN WE STOP DISCUSSING IT?!” Cheeks snapped, glaring at Tommy, who was nearly wetting himself with laughter.
Neil seemed to think about it, then smirk, shifting his entire demeanor to what could only be called smug. “You know, that’s almost worth hearing my dad say ‘kitchen-“
“Neil Lambert, if you finish that sentence, I will make you a Ken doll,” Cheeks said, glaring up at him.
Neil scoffed. “Well excuse me, I can’t help that somebody jumped me in my kitchen-“
“Oh come on, you kissed me first-“
“Yeah, and I didn’t expect it to lead to sex! Hell, you’re the one that came to my house in the early hours after I’d just gotten out of jail and you out of the hospital!” he accused, stalking up to him. “And you didn’t even hide your shirt when my dad showed up-“
Cheeks stalked up to him, staring straight up with his hands on his hips angrily. “Like THAT is what tipped him off, not the magnets all over the floor and everything falling out of the refrigerator-“
“And who’s fault is that-“
“I didn’t tell you to fuck me up against the refrigerator! I was fine and dandy on the counter, you’re the one that changed venues there buddy,” he snapped, poking Neil in the stomach.
Neil threw his hands up and turned to walk out. “God, there’s no making a point with you!” he cried in exasperation and Cheeks huffed and stomped his foot before following him into the hall, bitching.
Adam, Tommy, and Sauil exchanged glances. “I can’t decide if this is amusing or horrific,” Adam admitted and Tommy and Sauli smirked at each other.
“Amusing,” they said in unison, only to be cut off by a shout from the hallway as Neil kept walking back and forth past the kitchen door, Cheeks on his heels shouting.
“I’VE GOT AN AUSTRALIA SHAPED BRUISE ON MY ASS!”
Tommy hummed. “Could be worse, could be Florida,” he said, and Adam snickered.
“Better than Italy, would look like somebody was kicking his ass,” he said, and Tommy snorted.
“For fucks sake!” Neil cried, stalking back into the kitchen. “Will you give it up, you came over with something in mind or you wouldn’t have come there, admit it!” he cried, turning around to face Cheeks, who stopped and huffed.
“You. Kissed. Me. First!” he accused, hands on his hips as he got right up in Neil’s space, staring right up at him.
“There was a fucking moment!” Neil said with flushed cheeks, only to stop as their glares locked, both of them giving each other enraged, death glares, frozen otherwise.
Tommy hummed. “You know, if this was a movie,” he started, pausing to chew on his toast, only to not need to continue as Neil and Cheeks both made growly sounds before pouncing on each other.
Adam’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped in horror as Cheeks jumped, wrapping his legs around Neil, who grabbed him by the ass and squeezed as they seemingly attempted to eat each other’s faces. “Ewwwww, does not compute, does not compute!” Adam whined, slapping a hand over his eyes in horror.
Tommy just settled for choking on toast until he fell off the barstool, lying on the floor as he laughed himself nearly to death, watching as Neil stumbled out of the room, too preoccupied with the man clinging to him, arms around his neck, hands tangled in his hair, to look where he was going.
“DO NOT DO THAT IN MY HOUSE!” Adam cried, following them to throw them out before they could defile his house, hand over his eyes the whole time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tommy and Sutan met for lunch and Tommy couldn’t help grin when Sutan showed up in full Raja, earning blank stares as she walked in with mile long legs exposed by the tiniest skirt in existence. “Haven’t seen my woman in a while,” Tommy said, standing up for a hug, snickering when he was chest height. “Hmm, I could get used to this,” he said, winking up at Raja, giving her a slap on the ass before they sat back down.
“Oh yeah, pretty sure the waiter thinks you’re the luckiest man ever, dating an Amazon or something,” Raja said with a grin. “So, what’ve you been up to? I haven’t heard from Adam or Cheeks in days.”
Tommy smirked. “Adam is still suffering mental scars that only vast quantities of being snuggled by a cute blonde boy can fix, and I haven’t seen Cheeks since four days ago, when he and Neil started getting it on right in front of Adam, Sauli, and me in Adam’s kitchen the morning after we got out of jail.”
Raja gaped. “What?! Neil?!”
Tommy grinned. “According to Eber, he walked in the morning after Neil got out of jail to find the kitchen destroyed almost as if an earthquake had struck only that room… then he found Brad’s shirt on the floor and coined the phrase ‘kitchen nookie’ after which time, Cheeks showed up at my place since he left his wallet at Neil’s when he ran away. We went to Adam’s, Neil showed up to bring Adam the wallet to give back, they started fighting over whose fault it was they got walked in on the morning after, and it ended with them staring each other down before snapping and eating each other in front of all of us. It was horrible. Cheeks was hanging off of Neil like a face-eating monkey and Neil’s hands were in places I never wanted to think of Neil’s hands going. Adam was still living the delusion that baby brother’s don’t have dicks so he was scarred for life to see them stumbling around groping. He still hasn’t recovered I don’t think.”
Raja hummed. “Well shit, Neil likes dudes. I never expected that,” he said, and Tommy snorted.
“It’s Cheeks! He’s fucking pretty,” he said, grinning. “You just have to be open to new ideas to have that work. I mean… anybody with the idea that ‘huh guys might be nice’ would probably start with a hot little dude like him. Beard or not, he’s got the prettiest face.”
“But you have a pretty face too!” Raja said, smirking. “I think you’re cuter.”
Tommy struck a pose. “Aww, baby, I love you the most,” he said, blowing a kiss across the table.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam just groaned as Tommy put in the first film. “It is amazing with friends like you two that I have any other friends left,” he said, then tipped his head back to look up at Sauli from his position laid along the couch between Sauli’s legs with Sauli lounged against the arm, his head and shoulders resting against Sauli’s chest as he nearly laid flat. “I’m lucky as hell I met you, nobody else would put up with their boyfriend having asshole friends,” he said, and Sauli laughed, petting Adam’s hair soothingly.
“I’m Finnish, we like our crazy,” he said, and Adam smiled, then turned to glare at Sutan, who was staring at Tommy’s ass as he bent over to put in the DVD.
“Eyes in your head, bitch,” Adam said and Sutan pouted but ducked his head in shame.
They all heard the door open and shut as somebody let themselves in. Adam snorted. “I’m so glad I gave people keys to my house,” he said dryly. “What the fuck was I thinking?!”
“Whew!” Brad announced as he came walking in. “Sorry I’m late guys, lost track of time, forgot it was Tuesday night,” he said, going to flop down beside Sutan sighing.
Sutan shot him an amused look. “Forgot it was Tuesday? Damn boy, did you not get out of bed at all in the last week and a half?” he asked.
Brad smirked. “Of course I did, I had things to do, as did Neil. We just didn’t have any reason to get out of bed the last two days,” he said, giggling when Adam made a horrified sound.
“No, ew, make it stop, make it stop!” he whined, pouting.
Sauli chuckled and pressed his hands over Adam’s ears for him. “That better?” he asked loudly and Adam nodded slightly.
“You really are the best, thanks!” he said loudly, humming to cover any conversation that might break the barrier of his boyfriend’s hands over his ears.
Tommy ran over and flopped down across Sutan’s lap. “So Cheeks! You and Neil still fucking?” he asked.
Cheeks smirked. “Straight boys are fun in bed. And hot damn that man is strong! I think we’ve fucked against every vertical surface in his apartment and half the ones in mine and he NEVER seems too tired to hold me up against the wall.”
Tommy snickered. “I’ve never managed that one, for obvious reasons,” he said, and Sutan laughed.
“Same reason no dude’s ever fucked me against the wall… I’m too heavy to be held up that long and you’re too small to pick your girls up.”
Cheeks held up a hand. “I’ve dated some manly men before and none of them were as strong as Neil seems to be. To be sorta squishy and not have any defined muscles, the man is strong. And to be straight, holy shit he’s amazing,” he said, sighing. “I couldn’t sit straight for two days after that first night. I hadn’t gotten any in so long and he had me against the refrigerator door so hard and fast the Maytag man probably felt it,” he said, and Tommy nearly choked on his own spit he laughed so hard.
Sutan snickered. “Since he isn’t listening so it isn’t as creepy,” he started, then smirked at Cheeks. “Sibling comparison?”
Cheeks hummed. “Youth has its advantages,” he said, smirking. “But in all honestly, not a fair comparison, that was a long time ago, it was different, I was younger, so much different compared to Neil. He’s younger, and stronger, and more recent. AND it’s mostly just sex, sex, sex. I’m not sure we’ve had an actual conversation since the first night we fucked,” he pointed out. “Hopefully the sex hasn’t ruined our friendship. He’s a really smart, sweet guy.”
Tommy giggled. “He calls you beautiful, dude. It’s more than just a fuck, trust me.” He looked up. “Ooh, the movie’s starting!” he said, then turned to throw a pillow at Adam, who had his eyes shut, humming while Sauli covered his ears. “DICK FACE WE’RE WATCHING THE MOVIE!” he shouted and Sauli shot him a look as he uncovered Adam’s ears.
“Don’t call him dick face,” he said, and Adam smirked.
“Ha, my boyfriend is awesome and gets pissed at my friends being jerks,” he said, and Sauli thumped his ears. “Ow, what?!”
Sauli smiled. “Don’t call him a jerk either,” he said, then kissed the top of Adam’s head when he twisted to pout up at him. “Name calling is rude, no matter how cute you are.”
Sutan grinned. “Aww, TommyJoe do you think if Brad’s Lambert was here he’d tell you not to call each other names?” he asked, and Tommy snorted.
“No, he’d call Brad a dick face with me,” he said, and Brad grinned.
“Hell yeah, I think I’ve called him a chicken fucker about four times today because he was being an asshole,” he said, and Sutan rolled his eyes.
“You are an old married couple and you’ve only been fucking a week and a half,” he said, and Adam made a distressed sound. “Sorry, sorry, we’re shutting up now!” he promised and Adam glared at them pointedly.
“You better.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every few minutes Cheeks kicked Tommy, who was snoring from his spot using Sutan’s lap as a pillow, but it never helped. “Holy God, how do you guys live on TOUR with this?!” he asked, pointing at Tommy. “He’s sawing enough logs to build a fucking cabin, dude,” he said, and Adam giggled.
“I don’t know, I don’t sleep with him,” he said, and Sauli chortled.
“You better not,” he said, holding Adam’s head in his lap as they watched the movie.
Sutan shushed them all. “Shut up, Tommy’s sleeping,” he said, stroking his hair tenderly. “He can’t sleep well so any sleep he gets is good,” he said, then reached over to thump Cheeks, who gasped and glared. “And it’s the position he’s in, he usually sleeps like a kitten, all curled up in a ball.”
Cheeks smirked. “And how do you know that, Cougar?” he asked and Sutan glowered at Adam, who smirked evilly and giggled.
“Not a word-“
“Sutan’s watched Tommy sleep all night once,” he said, grinning. “He was drunk as hell, but he sat there for about four hours watching Tommy sleeping and telling us all about how pretty Tommy’s makeup was. We thought he was being a narcissist since he had done the makeup, but now I know it’s his hopelessly in love side.”
Sutan glowered. “Hush, he might wake up!” he said, petting Tommy’s hair absently. “And stop teasing me! I didn’t tease you about your straight boy!” he accused.
Brad stared blankly. “Actually, yeah, you did. A lot. All three of you teased me about cuddling with Neil-“
“Yeah, but you denied it, it doesn’t count, I don’t deny that I have fantasies about being Mrs. Tommy Ratliff, SPOILER ALERT- you’re not one of my bridesmaids,” he hissed viciously.
Sauli just laughed. “Have I mentioned how much I love your friends, Adam?” he asked, and Adam groaned.
“Thank you for not judging me based on who I hang around,” he said with wide, grateful eyes up at Sauli.
Sutan snorted. “Fuck off, you love us blondie. Don’t lie,” he said, and Sauli winked at him with a bright smile.
“Mmmmm, huh?” Sutan froze as Tommy shifted, mumbling. He blinked sleepily up at Sutan, showing him those big brown eyes, before smiling sleepily and rolling over to pressed his face against Sutan’s shirt as he fell back asleep, snoring again instantly.
“Gah, why’s he so adorable?” Sutan whined and Brad rolled his eyes.
“Oh my God, the man is drooling on your pants, how is that adorable?!” he asked in exasperation.
Sutan just poked him. “Shut up, he’s even cute when he’s drooling-“
“Okay, that is just pathetic-“
“SHUT UP AND LET HIM SLEEP!”
Author: heartsdesire456
Rating: NC-17
POV: 3rd
Pairing: Tommy/Sutan, surpise/surprise! lol
Summary: Originally meant to be a short Tommy/Sutan comedy oneshot, this fic has now become an actual fic. Sutan has a crush on his straight friend. In the middle of a dramatic and shocking twist involving the friends, will Tommy's straight become bendy or will Sutan's wishes remain only fantasy?
Warning: 100% 'wtf?!?' fic with NO real point other than 'I was bored'.
Disclaimer: Not mine
Author's Note: I saw about 8 BILLION typos in the last chapter... oops? Lol Don't judge me! PS. Now we're caught up to what I've got written. EEP!
Tommy yawned as he came back with coffee for Cheeks. “Not that I don’t love you immensely, but I sorta went to jail for you last night and didn’t get home until nearly four in the morning, the least you could’ve done is not come around at nine,” he said, curling up against the arm of the couch next to Cheeks. “And why did you need my clothes?” he asked, looking at the shirt Cheeks had stolen.
Cheeks blushed and sipped his coffee. “I forgot to put one on when I left home,” he said and Tommy hummed, closing his eyes as he cuddled his travel mug with bugs bunny on the side like it was a warm teddy bear. “Tommy… have you or would you ever sleep with a guy even when you’re straight, and like… maybe it was an accident?” he asked, and Tommy snorted.
“Not on accident, but yeah… I’d sleep with a guy if it felt right,” he said, and Cheeks raised an eyebrow as Tommy peeked out of one eye. “What?! I let Adam grope me and mouth rape me for a year, do you think I never wondered about doing more with a dude? I even made out with a few boys on tour, just to see if I liked it sexually or just in the ‘kissing is fun’ way.”
Cheeks nodded. “Would you though? I mean… just sleep with a guy just out of curiosity or like… because he was there and you were horny?” he asked awkwardly.
Tommy snickered. “Dude, why are you asking me this shit? Do you really think I would ever be so desperate for a fuck that I’d screw a dude just to avoid jerking off? You don’t just sleep with a guy cause he’s there when you’re straight. I mean, I’m sure some would out of curiosity, but not just because he’s there.” He shrugged. “Or, you know, just because you’re straight doesn’t mean everybody would say no if they met a person of the same gender that they actually liked, I guess.” He yawned. “I’d totally date a guy if I met one I was into like I’m into girls. Just hasn’t happened so I don’t think I’ve got to worry about THAT identity crisis this late in life.” He looked at Cheeks. “So, why’re you asking?” he asked, then wiggled his eyebrows. “Meet a girl?” he teased.
Cheeks snorted. “Ew, God no,” he said, shrugging. “I just… was wondering. Thanks for trying to help me last night,” he said again for the third time that morning.
“Yeah, I heard the first few times-“ Tommy’s phone rang and he whined, picking it up off the table. “Adam it is nine in the morning, why is everybody calling me-“ He stopped and held the phone away slightly as Adam shouted at him through the earpiece. He held it closer, then frowned, only to suddenly go wide eyed and smirk at Cheeks, who gave him a horrified look. “Kitchen nookie, huh?” he asked, and Cheeks went bright red, whining as he covered his face. “I love Eber. Oh God, kitchen nookie!” he giggled. He looked up. “So wait, Cheeks, that’s why you asked about straight guys fucking dudes at random?” he asked. There was a pause and Tommy grinned. “Yeah, Cheeks is here, dude. He showed up all ‘thanks for saving my ass- by the way is it normal for straight boys to sleep with other boys out of the blue’! It was confusing but now I get it.”
“Oh God, my life can’t get worse,” Cheeks said with a whine.
Tommy grinned. “Why yes, he did ‘lose’ his wallet. How kind of Neil to be on his way here right now to give it to me to give to Cheeks, since they ‘got into an argument’,” he said sarcastically and Cheeks groaned and curled in a ball, hiding his face. “Wow, your baby brother fucked one of your exes, that’s amazing!”
“TOMMY!” Cheeks cried, blushing. “Inappropriate!” he said, pointing.
Tommy grinned. “Adam says ‘don’t ever mention somebody having had sex with me and my brother both ever again’ so I have to ask, who has a bigger cock?” he asked, and Brad flushed and shook his head. “It’s Adam isn’t it? I’ve felt it all up on me on stage before, it’s got to be him,” he said, and Cheeks heard Adam shouting at him from the earpiece. “Hey, you were to hard! If that was you half-mast, dude, I weep for your boyfriend, there’s such a thing as too-big, I’m sure!” He smirked. “So, Cheeks, my pal. Who’s is bigger?”
Cheeks groaned and shrugged. “I don’t know, I don’t really remember-“
“HA! So Adam’s dick wasn’t big enough to be memorable? Damn, what do you date, horses?!” he asked, and Brad glared.
“Fine, if you must know, Neil was a little bigger, at least thicker for sure,” he snapped, then flushed and slapped a hand over his mouth at his outburst.
Tommy burst out laughing, curling around his phone and coffee cup. “Oh God, Adam- Adam your brother’s dick is bigger than yours! Aha he is better than you at something! You’re not the golden child in every aspect! He’s smarter and has a bigger dick- Hello? Adam? Hello, Adam, you there?” Tommy asked, then frowned. “Ooh, sore spot,” he said, then smirked. “So… you screwed our buddy Neil,” he said, sighing as he laid back. “That’s too perfect.”
“I hate you,” he spat at Tommy, who just smirked.
“Love you too, sweetums!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tommy insisted on stopping by Adam’s before taking Cheeks home and he could only consent or walk, since he didn’t have his wallet and staying at Tommy’s when Neil was on his way was NOT an option.
When they just traipsed in, courtesy of Tommy’s key, Tommy called out. “ADAM! I brought the falsifier!” he called and Adam slid out of the kitchen, pointing at Cheeks.
“You lie! My brother doesn’t even have a penis, take it back!” he accused.
Cheeks rolled his eyes. “Oh my God, I’m not having this conversation-“
“Take it back, Bradley! I’ve got the biggest dick and you know it,” he commanded.
Tommy giggled and shoved past Adam. “Sauli! Your boyfriend’s about to kill somebody, come see!” he said cheerfully as he went to raid the refrigerator.
Adam huffed. “I’m not going to kill him, but his pants may catch on fire from all the lying!” He walked into the kitchen with Cheeks on his heels. “Sauli, he’s lying!” he said, pouting dramatically. “Baby brother’s don’t have downstairs parts, it’s just a fact!”
“Of course not, baby,” he said, smiling as he held out a plate of toast to Adam, who grabbed a piece with a huff. “So, does he really?” he asked Cheeks, who groaned, putting his face in his hands.
“I’m pretty sure I’ve been more embarrassed this morning than in my whole life before… I don’t get embarrassed!” he emphasized. “But seriously, this morning has just… wow, over the fence and out of the park,” he said, shaking his head.
Sauli raised an eyebrow and Adam laughed. “Baseball reference,” he said, nudging Sauli with his shoulder. “And I also hate you for having to hear my father use the words ‘kitchen nookie’-“ Tommy burst into giggles and Cheeks sighed, letting his head fall to the counter top.
“Oh God, I could kill your entire family starting with you today,” Cheeks said and Adam scoffed.
“All I did was call you on your bluff about the size of my brother’s non-existent boy bits,” he said, biting into his toast viciously.
“You know, the sex last night sorta proves your theory is just self-delusion,” he pointed out, then smirked. “And besides, the cats out of the bag so I’ll go ahead and say it, definitely thicker if memory serves right,” he said with a grin. “Possibly all around bigger I’d bet.”
Tommy hummed. “I should ‘accidentally’ back up when he’s behind me and find out,” he said and Adam just gaped.
Sauli snickered and Tommy nodded at him before stealing a piece of the toast on the plate. “This doesn’t bother you at all? We’re talking about your dude’s dick,” he said, taking a bite before speaking with his mouth full. “Ah meh, we bof haf epewance wif yo gahs pehhis soh of.”
Cheeks stared at him flatly. “That’s disgusting, I don’t know what anybody sees in you,” he said, making a disgusted face. “I speak ‘dude’ and I don’t even know what you said,” he said.
Tommy swallowed. “I asked him if it doesn’t bother him at all that we both know so much abou this dude’s dick,” he said, and Adam frowned.
“Wow, that is what you asked him? I had no idea what you said,” he said, and Sauli chuckled.
“No, I don’t mind at all, I find it amusing really,” he said, then grinned playfully. “Besides, I’m curious, I’ve always wondered about Neil. He’s so different from Adam but they sort of look alike and they’re similar builds… it’s only natural to be curious,” he added and Adam snorted.
“Wow, I love you too, jerk,” he grumbled.
The door opened and shut and Cheeks sighed. “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” he asked and they all waited.
“Adam, Tommy lied, he wasn’t even at his house, so I’m bringing it here, get Sutan to take it to Cheeks!” Neil bitched as he came in, only to stop and stare when he saw Tommy and Cheeks sitting at the counter. “Oh joy,” he said flatly.
Tommy smirked. “So Neil, my good buddy, you can settle an argument for us!” he said and Adam and Cheeks both made horrified sounds.
“Tommy, don’t-“
“He doesn’t have one, I refuse to believe otherwise-“
Tommy looked as if Christmas had come early. “Cheeks here says your dick’s bigger than Adam’s,” he said with a pat on the shoulder of the man banging his head against the counter. “Adam however, swears you’re a Ken doll.”
Neil raised an eyebrow, clearly torn between amused and annoyed. “I don’t know how to react to that,” he said simply. “Other than to say I do actually have a dick,” he said to Adam, pointing. “I wish I could choose to believe you’re a Ken doll but sadly, you wear the smallest pants possible. It’s terrifying and I swear, you nearly put Tommy’s eye out that one time,” he said, and Tommy smirked.
“Wasn’t his fault, it likes pretty blonde boys, it just wanted to say hello,” he said, and Adam glared while everybody else fought giggles or disgusted looks. “Just tell us, Neil, is your dick bigger than your brother’s?” he asked and Neil made a face.
“Seriously?! How the fuck should I know? It isn’t like I’ve looked at my brother naked and compared his body to mine. I’m not actually a pervert,” he said pointedly.
“It isn’t,” Adam said firmly. “You don’t have one-“
“I do, Adam, you’re just a jerk-“
“Oh for fucks sake, Neil’s dick is bigger, CAN WE STOP DISCUSSING IT?!” Cheeks snapped, glaring at Tommy, who was nearly wetting himself with laughter.
Neil seemed to think about it, then smirk, shifting his entire demeanor to what could only be called smug. “You know, that’s almost worth hearing my dad say ‘kitchen-“
“Neil Lambert, if you finish that sentence, I will make you a Ken doll,” Cheeks said, glaring up at him.
Neil scoffed. “Well excuse me, I can’t help that somebody jumped me in my kitchen-“
“Oh come on, you kissed me first-“
“Yeah, and I didn’t expect it to lead to sex! Hell, you’re the one that came to my house in the early hours after I’d just gotten out of jail and you out of the hospital!” he accused, stalking up to him. “And you didn’t even hide your shirt when my dad showed up-“
Cheeks stalked up to him, staring straight up with his hands on his hips angrily. “Like THAT is what tipped him off, not the magnets all over the floor and everything falling out of the refrigerator-“
“And who’s fault is that-“
“I didn’t tell you to fuck me up against the refrigerator! I was fine and dandy on the counter, you’re the one that changed venues there buddy,” he snapped, poking Neil in the stomach.
Neil threw his hands up and turned to walk out. “God, there’s no making a point with you!” he cried in exasperation and Cheeks huffed and stomped his foot before following him into the hall, bitching.
Adam, Tommy, and Sauil exchanged glances. “I can’t decide if this is amusing or horrific,” Adam admitted and Tommy and Sauli smirked at each other.
“Amusing,” they said in unison, only to be cut off by a shout from the hallway as Neil kept walking back and forth past the kitchen door, Cheeks on his heels shouting.
“I’VE GOT AN AUSTRALIA SHAPED BRUISE ON MY ASS!”
Tommy hummed. “Could be worse, could be Florida,” he said, and Adam snickered.
“Better than Italy, would look like somebody was kicking his ass,” he said, and Tommy snorted.
“For fucks sake!” Neil cried, stalking back into the kitchen. “Will you give it up, you came over with something in mind or you wouldn’t have come there, admit it!” he cried, turning around to face Cheeks, who stopped and huffed.
“You. Kissed. Me. First!” he accused, hands on his hips as he got right up in Neil’s space, staring right up at him.
“There was a fucking moment!” Neil said with flushed cheeks, only to stop as their glares locked, both of them giving each other enraged, death glares, frozen otherwise.
Tommy hummed. “You know, if this was a movie,” he started, pausing to chew on his toast, only to not need to continue as Neil and Cheeks both made growly sounds before pouncing on each other.
Adam’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped in horror as Cheeks jumped, wrapping his legs around Neil, who grabbed him by the ass and squeezed as they seemingly attempted to eat each other’s faces. “Ewwwww, does not compute, does not compute!” Adam whined, slapping a hand over his eyes in horror.
Tommy just settled for choking on toast until he fell off the barstool, lying on the floor as he laughed himself nearly to death, watching as Neil stumbled out of the room, too preoccupied with the man clinging to him, arms around his neck, hands tangled in his hair, to look where he was going.
“DO NOT DO THAT IN MY HOUSE!” Adam cried, following them to throw them out before they could defile his house, hand over his eyes the whole time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tommy and Sutan met for lunch and Tommy couldn’t help grin when Sutan showed up in full Raja, earning blank stares as she walked in with mile long legs exposed by the tiniest skirt in existence. “Haven’t seen my woman in a while,” Tommy said, standing up for a hug, snickering when he was chest height. “Hmm, I could get used to this,” he said, winking up at Raja, giving her a slap on the ass before they sat back down.
“Oh yeah, pretty sure the waiter thinks you’re the luckiest man ever, dating an Amazon or something,” Raja said with a grin. “So, what’ve you been up to? I haven’t heard from Adam or Cheeks in days.”
Tommy smirked. “Adam is still suffering mental scars that only vast quantities of being snuggled by a cute blonde boy can fix, and I haven’t seen Cheeks since four days ago, when he and Neil started getting it on right in front of Adam, Sauli, and me in Adam’s kitchen the morning after we got out of jail.”
Raja gaped. “What?! Neil?!”
Tommy grinned. “According to Eber, he walked in the morning after Neil got out of jail to find the kitchen destroyed almost as if an earthquake had struck only that room… then he found Brad’s shirt on the floor and coined the phrase ‘kitchen nookie’ after which time, Cheeks showed up at my place since he left his wallet at Neil’s when he ran away. We went to Adam’s, Neil showed up to bring Adam the wallet to give back, they started fighting over whose fault it was they got walked in on the morning after, and it ended with them staring each other down before snapping and eating each other in front of all of us. It was horrible. Cheeks was hanging off of Neil like a face-eating monkey and Neil’s hands were in places I never wanted to think of Neil’s hands going. Adam was still living the delusion that baby brother’s don’t have dicks so he was scarred for life to see them stumbling around groping. He still hasn’t recovered I don’t think.”
Raja hummed. “Well shit, Neil likes dudes. I never expected that,” he said, and Tommy snorted.
“It’s Cheeks! He’s fucking pretty,” he said, grinning. “You just have to be open to new ideas to have that work. I mean… anybody with the idea that ‘huh guys might be nice’ would probably start with a hot little dude like him. Beard or not, he’s got the prettiest face.”
“But you have a pretty face too!” Raja said, smirking. “I think you’re cuter.”
Tommy struck a pose. “Aww, baby, I love you the most,” he said, blowing a kiss across the table.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam just groaned as Tommy put in the first film. “It is amazing with friends like you two that I have any other friends left,” he said, then tipped his head back to look up at Sauli from his position laid along the couch between Sauli’s legs with Sauli lounged against the arm, his head and shoulders resting against Sauli’s chest as he nearly laid flat. “I’m lucky as hell I met you, nobody else would put up with their boyfriend having asshole friends,” he said, and Sauli laughed, petting Adam’s hair soothingly.
“I’m Finnish, we like our crazy,” he said, and Adam smiled, then turned to glare at Sutan, who was staring at Tommy’s ass as he bent over to put in the DVD.
“Eyes in your head, bitch,” Adam said and Sutan pouted but ducked his head in shame.
They all heard the door open and shut as somebody let themselves in. Adam snorted. “I’m so glad I gave people keys to my house,” he said dryly. “What the fuck was I thinking?!”
“Whew!” Brad announced as he came walking in. “Sorry I’m late guys, lost track of time, forgot it was Tuesday night,” he said, going to flop down beside Sutan sighing.
Sutan shot him an amused look. “Forgot it was Tuesday? Damn boy, did you not get out of bed at all in the last week and a half?” he asked.
Brad smirked. “Of course I did, I had things to do, as did Neil. We just didn’t have any reason to get out of bed the last two days,” he said, giggling when Adam made a horrified sound.
“No, ew, make it stop, make it stop!” he whined, pouting.
Sauli chuckled and pressed his hands over Adam’s ears for him. “That better?” he asked loudly and Adam nodded slightly.
“You really are the best, thanks!” he said loudly, humming to cover any conversation that might break the barrier of his boyfriend’s hands over his ears.
Tommy ran over and flopped down across Sutan’s lap. “So Cheeks! You and Neil still fucking?” he asked.
Cheeks smirked. “Straight boys are fun in bed. And hot damn that man is strong! I think we’ve fucked against every vertical surface in his apartment and half the ones in mine and he NEVER seems too tired to hold me up against the wall.”
Tommy snickered. “I’ve never managed that one, for obvious reasons,” he said, and Sutan laughed.
“Same reason no dude’s ever fucked me against the wall… I’m too heavy to be held up that long and you’re too small to pick your girls up.”
Cheeks held up a hand. “I’ve dated some manly men before and none of them were as strong as Neil seems to be. To be sorta squishy and not have any defined muscles, the man is strong. And to be straight, holy shit he’s amazing,” he said, sighing. “I couldn’t sit straight for two days after that first night. I hadn’t gotten any in so long and he had me against the refrigerator door so hard and fast the Maytag man probably felt it,” he said, and Tommy nearly choked on his own spit he laughed so hard.
Sutan snickered. “Since he isn’t listening so it isn’t as creepy,” he started, then smirked at Cheeks. “Sibling comparison?”
Cheeks hummed. “Youth has its advantages,” he said, smirking. “But in all honestly, not a fair comparison, that was a long time ago, it was different, I was younger, so much different compared to Neil. He’s younger, and stronger, and more recent. AND it’s mostly just sex, sex, sex. I’m not sure we’ve had an actual conversation since the first night we fucked,” he pointed out. “Hopefully the sex hasn’t ruined our friendship. He’s a really smart, sweet guy.”
Tommy giggled. “He calls you beautiful, dude. It’s more than just a fuck, trust me.” He looked up. “Ooh, the movie’s starting!” he said, then turned to throw a pillow at Adam, who had his eyes shut, humming while Sauli covered his ears. “DICK FACE WE’RE WATCHING THE MOVIE!” he shouted and Sauli shot him a look as he uncovered Adam’s ears.
“Don’t call him dick face,” he said, and Adam smirked.
“Ha, my boyfriend is awesome and gets pissed at my friends being jerks,” he said, and Sauli thumped his ears. “Ow, what?!”
Sauli smiled. “Don’t call him a jerk either,” he said, then kissed the top of Adam’s head when he twisted to pout up at him. “Name calling is rude, no matter how cute you are.”
Sutan grinned. “Aww, TommyJoe do you think if Brad’s Lambert was here he’d tell you not to call each other names?” he asked, and Tommy snorted.
“No, he’d call Brad a dick face with me,” he said, and Brad grinned.
“Hell yeah, I think I’ve called him a chicken fucker about four times today because he was being an asshole,” he said, and Sutan rolled his eyes.
“You are an old married couple and you’ve only been fucking a week and a half,” he said, and Adam made a distressed sound. “Sorry, sorry, we’re shutting up now!” he promised and Adam glared at them pointedly.
“You better.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every few minutes Cheeks kicked Tommy, who was snoring from his spot using Sutan’s lap as a pillow, but it never helped. “Holy God, how do you guys live on TOUR with this?!” he asked, pointing at Tommy. “He’s sawing enough logs to build a fucking cabin, dude,” he said, and Adam giggled.
“I don’t know, I don’t sleep with him,” he said, and Sauli chortled.
“You better not,” he said, holding Adam’s head in his lap as they watched the movie.
Sutan shushed them all. “Shut up, Tommy’s sleeping,” he said, stroking his hair tenderly. “He can’t sleep well so any sleep he gets is good,” he said, then reached over to thump Cheeks, who gasped and glared. “And it’s the position he’s in, he usually sleeps like a kitten, all curled up in a ball.”
Cheeks smirked. “And how do you know that, Cougar?” he asked and Sutan glowered at Adam, who smirked evilly and giggled.
“Not a word-“
“Sutan’s watched Tommy sleep all night once,” he said, grinning. “He was drunk as hell, but he sat there for about four hours watching Tommy sleeping and telling us all about how pretty Tommy’s makeup was. We thought he was being a narcissist since he had done the makeup, but now I know it’s his hopelessly in love side.”
Sutan glowered. “Hush, he might wake up!” he said, petting Tommy’s hair absently. “And stop teasing me! I didn’t tease you about your straight boy!” he accused.
Brad stared blankly. “Actually, yeah, you did. A lot. All three of you teased me about cuddling with Neil-“
“Yeah, but you denied it, it doesn’t count, I don’t deny that I have fantasies about being Mrs. Tommy Ratliff, SPOILER ALERT- you’re not one of my bridesmaids,” he hissed viciously.
Sauli just laughed. “Have I mentioned how much I love your friends, Adam?” he asked, and Adam groaned.
“Thank you for not judging me based on who I hang around,” he said with wide, grateful eyes up at Sauli.
Sutan snorted. “Fuck off, you love us blondie. Don’t lie,” he said, and Sauli winked at him with a bright smile.
“Mmmmm, huh?” Sutan froze as Tommy shifted, mumbling. He blinked sleepily up at Sutan, showing him those big brown eyes, before smiling sleepily and rolling over to pressed his face against Sutan’s shirt as he fell back asleep, snoring again instantly.
“Gah, why’s he so adorable?” Sutan whined and Brad rolled his eyes.
“Oh my God, the man is drooling on your pants, how is that adorable?!” he asked in exasperation.
Sutan just poked him. “Shut up, he’s even cute when he’s drooling-“
“Okay, that is just pathetic-“
“SHUT UP AND LET HIM SLEEP!”