(no subject)
so i have been thinking about not making this friends only anymore, i miss getting rando comments and now that i am not at home i don't feel so creeped out about it, haha. this weekend was alright, morgan and i talked, well yelled is more like it. i got really upset because he wouldn't put out his cigarette when i said it gave me a headache. it really bothered me because i would do anything for him, and i get what he was saying about me knowing he was a smoker when we started going out and not wanting to have to change his whole life around, but that wasn't what i wanted at all. i just get a headache sometimes and don't want to be around smoke anymore, that's all. it just sucked because we are both stubborn and i know i felt hurt and i am sure he did too. i feel like i have been hurting him a lot lately and that really bothers me, probably more than it bothers him. i hate when he says i'm being a nag or something like that, i don't mean to be, i never want to be like that, an annoyance of some kind, that sucks. i just have been feeling this giant need to do more lately. with him, not without him. i just hate that i am this huge bitch, and i also hate bitching about it because that only makes me feel worse for feeling bad for myself. gahh i love morgan so fucking much and he doesn't know it and i hate it. i don't want to mess everything up, i just feel really messed up inside. more than usual, like before i could handle everything because it was like ok, i get sad internally but just keep on keepin on, but i feel like i don't know how to deal with the overload of everything else; deciding whether or not i want to be in school now, at usf, should i be working? how will i make money? should i take a leave of absence? i want a job, i want to travel, i want to intern, see the city more, i want to live but i feel like i don't have a second and i'm just spreading myself thinner and thinner. i feel like this girl who was supposed to have 2984375 arms, but they all have been cut off and now i am wondering why i am can't get anything done. i know i've been such a cunt because i am just so fet up with myself, and that sucks. i went to student services today and it's good to hear that i do have options; i can take a leave of absence, drop a class and not lose any money, etc. i don't know tho, all those real possibilities are almost scarier than none at all and i am not sure i want to give myself that much slack. taking time off from school feels so permanant, but i also just hate it so much. i didn't think it would be as depressing as high school, i feel worthless no matter what i decide. today i missed the bus and then forgot my wallet and had to pay for a taxi to school. i hate not having a bike, or at least some type of back up.
Jr wants to start a band with mark and I. I was so flattered and happy, god bless jr. it will be wicked fun; go go synth! i love morgan because when i bitch about wanting to go out more in the city he makes me get out of bed at 3 o'clock and see sculptures. we went to see the freeway water thing in the business district right before fisherman's wharf. it was weird because it's at the same place i first stayed when i came to SF like 6 years ago and really fell in love with it, and i remember being there and like thinking about all the possibilities, and now all this time later, i was back there again with this perfect boy, just the way i had pictured myself. it was cool. then we walked over to the bow and arrow, also spectacular, except it was fucking POURING RAIN! we got soaked but i didn't care. these 2 dumb bitches in front of us almost got run over by a train in the crosswalk and that totally made it for me haha, especially after they had been giving us dirty looks. bitches get stitches. than we went home and ate these amazing budget gourmets, they are my new favorite things, so economical, and tasty! it was fun seeing mark and eric and patrick trip out this weekend, especially when they called me saying they needed their fag hag hahaha. it is such a compliment.
oh! the dirty sanchez cd is incredible, it could make the legless jiggy.
Jr wants to start a band with mark and I. I was so flattered and happy, god bless jr. it will be wicked fun; go go synth! i love morgan because when i bitch about wanting to go out more in the city he makes me get out of bed at 3 o'clock and see sculptures. we went to see the freeway water thing in the business district right before fisherman's wharf. it was weird because it's at the same place i first stayed when i came to SF like 6 years ago and really fell in love with it, and i remember being there and like thinking about all the possibilities, and now all this time later, i was back there again with this perfect boy, just the way i had pictured myself. it was cool. then we walked over to the bow and arrow, also spectacular, except it was fucking POURING RAIN! we got soaked but i didn't care. these 2 dumb bitches in front of us almost got run over by a train in the crosswalk and that totally made it for me haha, especially after they had been giving us dirty looks. bitches get stitches. than we went home and ate these amazing budget gourmets, they are my new favorite things, so economical, and tasty! it was fun seeing mark and eric and patrick trip out this weekend, especially when they called me saying they needed their fag hag hahaha. it is such a compliment.
oh! the dirty sanchez cd is incredible, it could make the legless jiggy.