Ouch!
When I pray, I always ask to be led in God's will by the Holy Spirit. My will gets in my way, though, and He often needs to "hit me over the head" to get me to follow. I got a real whack the other day. I started this year building strong spiritual habits that were actually beginning to bear fruit by spring. Then it all seemed to skid to a halt. I blamed it on spring break (change in routines I had established), travel to Seattle for banzai and barlow-girl's wedding (more change in routine, plus the strange mixture of enabling yet frustrating parental units), return of clinical depression, fear of MIL's visit, and a myriad of other excuses.
He told me yesterday what was at the root of my so-called problems: self-hate stemming from a resentment I've been carrying around these past few months. I am filled with bitterness toward a person who has done nothing to harm me personally. Early this year she was appointed to a ministry position in our church. And while I may have my doubts about her qualifications for the job, the way I've been feeling and acting toward her (and I'm ashamed to say, mostly behind her back) is the opposite of Christ-like. I justified it to myself that I owed it to my kids, to whom she is ministering directly, to make my opinions known. But that's crap and deep down I know it. The fact is, this bitterness is hurting me and my relationship with God. So it's sin. Simple as that.
Now, what do I do about it? Stop sinning in this way, yes. But isn't there more? Seems way too easy. Do I need to forgive, or seek forgiveness? From her, or would that just cause unnecessary pain and conflict? From those friends who have had to listen to me spew my venom? Aaaaaaah.
Guess I'll be praying for that next "bonk on the head" moment. This place of uncertainty is awfully uncomfortable. But maybe that's the point.
He told me yesterday what was at the root of my so-called problems: self-hate stemming from a resentment I've been carrying around these past few months. I am filled with bitterness toward a person who has done nothing to harm me personally. Early this year she was appointed to a ministry position in our church. And while I may have my doubts about her qualifications for the job, the way I've been feeling and acting toward her (and I'm ashamed to say, mostly behind her back) is the opposite of Christ-like. I justified it to myself that I owed it to my kids, to whom she is ministering directly, to make my opinions known. But that's crap and deep down I know it. The fact is, this bitterness is hurting me and my relationship with God. So it's sin. Simple as that.
Now, what do I do about it? Stop sinning in this way, yes. But isn't there more? Seems way too easy. Do I need to forgive, or seek forgiveness? From her, or would that just cause unnecessary pain and conflict? From those friends who have had to listen to me spew my venom? Aaaaaaah.
Guess I'll be praying for that next "bonk on the head" moment. This place of uncertainty is awfully uncomfortable. But maybe that's the point.