This is only the first draft.
For my high school newspaper, I present to you... My column.
I want to move from the planet. It's official. Here's the problem: Paris Hilton was allowed to publish a book of "memoirs." And this is the clincher; people are going to read it. Most of said people are probably going to find some level of empathy for the poor darling citing that "She just can't find... well, whatever it is she can't find." I've got my fingers crossed that she'll be a quirky, dysfunctional guest on Dr. Phil so I can TiVo it and sit for hours watching the show repeatedly. My vision of hell would then be complete.
Instead of blindly taking stabs at the oh-so sultry princess of shameless self-promotion, I decided to go to Barns & Noble and check out the published work of art for myself.
Idly walking around the store, enchanted by the smell of fresh paper and Starbucks, I tried not to seem like I was looking for the very item I came to find. Without luck, or a sense of direction, I was forced to swallow my pride and ask for help.
Bashfully I asked for the "new Paris Hilton book," trying not to appear as blonde as I really am. The saleswomen lead me around islands of bookshelves to the bright pink clad book with an enlarged picture of the heiress herself.
When I confessed my embarrassment in asking for it, she reassured me that it'd been practically flying off the shelves - so I needn't be worried. "I don't know what that says about the state of our society," she added with a sigh.
Finally, I waddled to a vacant table near Starbucks, bought a lemonade iced tea (that was as pink as the book) and began to flip though the pages. It looked more like a photo album than a "memoir" and more like 178 pages of bragging rights than an autobiography. Contained within those pages are over 300 color photographs, her rules for life, and how she's lived hers for the past 22 years. She's always been described as a "photo whore," but now the petting of her ego has become complete.
So, without further ado, I present the 9 THINGS I LEARNED FROM PARIS HILTON. (Not 10, however, because that's too cliché.)
9. "Act ditzy. Lose things. People with think you're adorable and less together than you really are" (page 13).
8. "Fear nothing - except insects and sweaty guys who come to kiss you when they say hello. There's nothing worse than a sweaty guy who kisses you on both cheeks. Once is bad enough, but twice is just too much" (page 14).
7. "If all else fails, act bored. Not boring. There's a huge difference" (page 14).
6. One cell phone just won't do. Own as many as you can, so if you lose one - you're covered. It also comes in handy when you don't want to call someone back, because you can just blame it on the "lost cell phone." (page 13)
5. "Sweatsuits are the LA uniform" (page 58).
4. "Don't get embarrassed. Not matter what happens. That's for normal people" (page 102).
3. "Never go out when it's raining - unless you have a Gucci umbrella" (page 15).
2. "Eat sushi because the coolest and best-looking people eat sushi," (page 49)
And the number one thing I learned from Paris Hilton is:
1. "If you have a cute name, you will act cute" (page 10).
And remember, "Paris without the P is 'heiress," (page 2).
Fin.
By Megan Wilson
I want to move from the planet. It's official. Here's the problem: Paris Hilton was allowed to publish a book of "memoirs." And this is the clincher; people are going to read it. Most of said people are probably going to find some level of empathy for the poor darling citing that "She just can't find... well, whatever it is she can't find." I've got my fingers crossed that she'll be a quirky, dysfunctional guest on Dr. Phil so I can TiVo it and sit for hours watching the show repeatedly. My vision of hell would then be complete.
Instead of blindly taking stabs at the oh-so sultry princess of shameless self-promotion, I decided to go to Barns & Noble and check out the published work of art for myself.
Idly walking around the store, enchanted by the smell of fresh paper and Starbucks, I tried not to seem like I was looking for the very item I came to find. Without luck, or a sense of direction, I was forced to swallow my pride and ask for help.
Bashfully I asked for the "new Paris Hilton book," trying not to appear as blonde as I really am. The saleswomen lead me around islands of bookshelves to the bright pink clad book with an enlarged picture of the heiress herself.
When I confessed my embarrassment in asking for it, she reassured me that it'd been practically flying off the shelves - so I needn't be worried. "I don't know what that says about the state of our society," she added with a sigh.
Finally, I waddled to a vacant table near Starbucks, bought a lemonade iced tea (that was as pink as the book) and began to flip though the pages. It looked more like a photo album than a "memoir" and more like 178 pages of bragging rights than an autobiography. Contained within those pages are over 300 color photographs, her rules for life, and how she's lived hers for the past 22 years. She's always been described as a "photo whore," but now the petting of her ego has become complete.
So, without further ado, I present the 9 THINGS I LEARNED FROM PARIS HILTON. (Not 10, however, because that's too cliché.)
9. "Act ditzy. Lose things. People with think you're adorable and less together than you really are" (page 13).
8. "Fear nothing - except insects and sweaty guys who come to kiss you when they say hello. There's nothing worse than a sweaty guy who kisses you on both cheeks. Once is bad enough, but twice is just too much" (page 14).
7. "If all else fails, act bored. Not boring. There's a huge difference" (page 14).
6. One cell phone just won't do. Own as many as you can, so if you lose one - you're covered. It also comes in handy when you don't want to call someone back, because you can just blame it on the "lost cell phone." (page 13)
5. "Sweatsuits are the LA uniform" (page 58).
4. "Don't get embarrassed. Not matter what happens. That's for normal people" (page 102).
3. "Never go out when it's raining - unless you have a Gucci umbrella" (page 15).
2. "Eat sushi because the coolest and best-looking people eat sushi," (page 49)
And the number one thing I learned from Paris Hilton is:
1. "If you have a cute name, you will act cute" (page 10).
And remember, "Paris without the P is 'heiress," (page 2).
Fin.
By Megan Wilson