Baby Four
about two years old
In succession to the last blog, an overview of being a Four, I've decided that the next most important delving would regard Fours in childhood. [those of you who are Fours are tagged in this one as well, asking for your input this time around too]
You don't have to take classes or conduct psychological testing on kids to know how important childhood is in the development of personality characteristics.
Fours as children usually fall in between two extremes: precocious/self-involved [3-wing as primary] & isolationist/self-absorbed [5-wing as primary] I personally switched halfway through. As an only child, I kept to myself most of the time, but when a traumatic event happened in our family, I began to act out. I was still isolated, but built up an even stronger wall to demonstrate how 'okay' & 'stable' I could be for my family.
However, after the event, I turned back to the quieter version of myself. I barely spoke to anyone outside of the family. I had few friends, by choice. Even among these people, no one understood how I felt or who I was. I did not allow anyone to see me. I did not identify with either of my parents, which lead to a form of long-lasting identity crisis. It's not that they were bad parents or that I had a horrific childhood, it's just that they didn't reflect who I was. Because of this, I felt that my only source of knowledge was to look internally & to also compare myself to the rest of the world. This is also the point at which one starts defining themselves by what they are not, starting with parents. With a lack of primary 'role model' the search for the 'good parent' or the one will understand & accept me for who I am began.
I am an only child. My parents both worked a lot. I was a partial-product of close-minded Christian schools & day-care. [side note: I'm not complaining, as I could write a whole blog on this sentence alone] All before I turned thirteen, we also moved cities four times [three states]. We lived in six different houses. I went to seven different schools. Adding structural instability to the mix, I learned how to get even better at being closed off to people while looking like I wasn't.
The frustration of all of these factors gets built-up, but feeling isolated & misunderstood, it's easier to take the anger out on yourself...leading to the dark foe of self-consciousness/The Inner Critic. Also, if you're blessed with the powers of thorough analysis abilities, you're essentially DOA, as not only do you see the things you can change, you also see things that truly don't exist that you're just certain someone will see the minute they get close to you, which is ironic, given the fact that we're looking for those who will see us, scars & all, but will not abandon us like we felt everyone else has.
We existed in our minds where we most comfortably existed; though it was tumultuous, we knew what to expect. Instead of reaching out to other people, we got even more enraptured with our minds. This is how we become morose little creatures--we are used to feeling deeply, so negative emotions are normal & we do not shy from them. In fact, we might actually be drawn to them, as they may feel more 'real' than the happiness that continues to elude us, though everyone else seems to have it.
How does this reflect adolescence/adulthood? Well, temperament is pretty much a constant through life, but the earlier the Four can realize that the only way our of their head is to genuinely invest in other people & allow them to see the true Self [which we finally learn does exist & did all along] the more content with life they'll be. I still have my guard up. I still distrust people. I still rather be alone or be with the few people I trust than to be around others, but I know how to divvy out my energies. I know how to get to know people, rather than just learn about them & keep them at arm's length [though I don't always utilize this ability] It's all a learning process.
This blog was brought to you by a conversation with Kel about being a Baby Four & then made all the more pressing-to-write upon seeing home videos two days ago.