2 ❧ ran to a tower where the church bells chime; I hoped that they would clear my mind

[headedforhope]

[ A | Home (briefly), Mayfield Public Library, Malt Shop, John Doe Park, Cosplay Cafe; Jacques' Roller Rink; Mami wakes up far earlier than she needs to on a Sunday. But then, it's not Mother's Day everyday, and right now she can't stand being inside the house longer than is absolutely necessary. All it will do is remind her of her own home, the

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[headedforhope]

[After a few more moments of quiet thought, before Ciel begins her return to the front of the building, Mami tilts her head back to stare up at the ceiling. Her eyes are blank, empty of supplication for the cosmos to change the fabric of her life into something sweeter; this is a church, but there's no God. She knows that, knows that even if such a self-aware power exists in hidden and secret ways, it won't help her. The weight of her perceived sins and failures is one she has to carry alone, until she dies or is absolved- and Mami is fatalistic enough, even at this young age, even while trapped in a town that renders the finality of death meaningless and temporary, to think that only the first option is within her reach.

Her face tenses and there's the sudden, rising urge to cry. She wants her mother back- she wants her life back. But both are lost to her forever, and at the quiet sound of Ciel's footsteps, that swelling feeling is controlled. Repressed. The muscles go slack. Later, maybe later she'll resort to that- alone. For now Mami just flicks her gaze to the side and watches a woman dressed in religious garb pace past the pew and down the aisle. Not for an instant does she link her not!parent to that person- she only sighs, stiffens, and stands to leave.

Unfortunately, she had forgotten the flowers in her lap and they hit the floor, scattering petals.]

...oh...

[expiatrice]

[She speaks up before getting to Mami, but she won't stop until she gets to her row.]

You shouldn't force yourself if it's painful, Tomoe-san. [The voice is much softer than she can recall - or maybe it's just because they're in a Church? If she looks up, she'll be met with patient but concerned eyes, and she should recognize her now, if she didn't suspect a thing before. ]

[headedforhope]

[A slow lifting of the head, a reluctant meeting of eyes. Her breath comes out in a soft hiss despite herself when the epiphany hits. She had tried to avoid this person, after all, the one assigned to be- to replace -her mother; an idea that stung too much to be bearable. And yet here Ciel was anyway, daring to be comforting. Tempting. It was like the cosmos were laughing at Mami's efforts to twist away from the things that hurt, even for a little while.

Mami collects herself quickly and smiles. Her gaze becomes carefully blank.]

Painful...? Nothing's painful, Miss Ciel. I just wanted some peace.

Sorry about the mess; I'll clean it up right away.

[expiatrice]

[Oh she knew that face - these faces - too well to even miss a beat of its implication.

She stays her ground and doesn't change her demeanor, but her gaze sharpens noticeably. Enough to even pressure, maybe.]

I do apologize for disturbing you, and you don't need to worry about something so trivial [-referring to the dropped flowers, for she takes s quick glance downwards as she says this], but I've seen enough to recognize a strong facade when it's presented to me. One who purposefully chooses isolation around others generally have things they wish to hide. Even more so, if it's not by choice but obligation.

[A small pause, as she lets this sink in. The interactions that they've had so far can likely be summed up as that of a gossipy and chipper "mother" with a polite but reserved "daughter", but it's getting clear now that Ciel isn't in the least bit as vapid as she would've first seemed - if not pretended, to be.]

[headedforhope]

[She doesn't look away, the blank look unchanging, even though the weight of those other eyes is becoming uncomfortable. She's used to situations where the smile and paltry reassurance were enough to fool someone- not in part because she had always tried to make it so that no one would even think to press further, if at all. Because what problems could a 14 year old girl who never seemed to frown have?]

Well, it'd be pretty naive to think that no one has secrets. That's the kind of world we live in, after all.

[Dodging the subject of her secrets, for the moment, buying a little time to think. She wonders about this change, this contrast to the earlier dynamic that was, if not warm, mutually cooperative. To say the least, it's interesting; she never thought of Ciel (or any of her housemates, even the snide Merem) as stupid. Really, she never actually thought about them at all beyond the necessary measures, maintaining the same careful distance she did with everyone else. Because they were all strangers, and this was a place where people would unpredictably come and go. It was safer to do as she had always done, and stay apart.]

[expiatrice]

Of course. A secret isn't very different from any other happening; it's just something that a person would deem better to not have it found out. If others grow suspicious though, that starts to defeat the point. But I digress; my concern isn't what you're hiding. It doesn't matter what happened to you back in your world. That's a past that can't be changed, so there's nothing we can do even if I knew. Being in a place like this on the weekend, however, especially with that sort of expression that you wore before - I would have approached you even if we did not share a household.

[She loses the cool air, briefly closing her eyes as she slumps her shoulders a little. True to her words, she wasn't interested in pursuing whatever Mami had in her closet. Rather...]

I have some herbal tea in the back; it should help calm the nerves. Would you like some?

[headedforhope]

I'm glad you realize the utter lack of point in prying, Miss Ciel, whatever your reason is, and I thank you for it. However....I think that kind people, like you, should be careful. They tend to get taken advantage of by selfish people, like me.

[Her smile gets bigger, as if she realizes the uselessness in what she's saying- Ciel is an adult and doubtlessly a thousand times more experienced in the world than her. Such things.....such truths must be nothing new to her. She doesn't need to hear it again.

Still, it was something Mami had to say.]

It's disgusting, I know. ["I'm disgusting, too."] Mm... [The temptation is there, once again; she can't deny it. But she resists, and there's a hard glint in her gold eyes now.] As for the tea- no, thank you. I came here to....think about things, not impose. Besides, it's late. [And she should turn on her heel and go, now that she's accomplished that, and escape this conversation. But Mami doesn't, just yet.]

[expiatrice]

[A smile that she'll mirror, smaller, but knowing and... a bit sad? It's hard to tell.]

Ah. That is certainly true, and the very fact that you can say something like this despite how young you look already gives me a measure of the amount of life experiences that you must've had. Don't be so quick to split everything into black and white, though. Even the most selfless can have a selfish desire, and the most self-centered, do surprisingly selfless things. It's a question of intent, which in itself can often be hard to determine.

Not at all. It seems to me that you're quite human. Everyone has their wishes and fears, after all, and it's impossible to be imposing on someone who works for the clergy. It doesn't have to be what's on your mind, but talking a bit about anything at all can help change your ideas, if you'd like.

[Her clear blue eyes are solidly staring into Mami's soft golden. ...There's almost a compelling force to them. Maybe it should be alarming, but somehow...

This seems like someone who already knows more than she lets on. Mami might recognize something familiar there too, but be unable to point down just WHAT it is that seemed so reminiscent of something that she should know. Either way... It may or may not take some extra willpower to break away now, if she's still set on leaving the church.]

[headedforhope]

[Her gaze narrows a bit. This feeling....she knows it, in a way, although the sensation is like a ghost- faint and strange. And only half-familiar.

She takes a step back, but just one, and she can't tear her eyes away. Part of that is pride. Part of it is this new, insidious- and yet not evil? she can't quite tell -influence. It's spreading, some part of Mami can dimly realize, and the more she looks at Ciel the harder it will be to stop.]

I certainly question your intent, Miss Ciel, if you'll forgive me for saying so.

[expiatrice]

[Meanwhile, Ciel's doesn't change.]

Not at all. The principle of equivalent exchange is applicable anywhere, and in the modern day and age, it's rare to believe that anything can come without a price. ...It's unfortunate though, in my opinion. Some people can genuinely be willingly do good things without expecting anything back, but because of how disillusioned and harsh society has become, they can still be regarded with suspicion because what they are offering sounds too good to be true. Cold pragmatism would think that there must be some sort of string attached.

Is this what you're wondering? Then you can't be blamed at all. I won't pretend to be perfectly selfless, but that I may be able to help others procure some peace of mind in a prison like this would also give me a sense of purpose. Don't you agree that it's more productive, than just stay by yourself all the time and not get involved in things at all? [Well, it gets more joking-like at the end, but if this situation calls for some objective truth, then that she can do.]

[headedforhope]

Not exactly what I was referring to, but all right. It's not as if I can disagree with you, or fail to understand. [Something almost like a sigh, whistling out through teeth she has to force herself not to clench. She means this strange, beguiling feeling that grows the longer she holds Ciel's gaze, something that Mami is sure isn't a hallucination- she's been nothing but hyper-aware of her surroundings all day, to a self-punishing extent. And it puzzles her, because in her mind she isn't worth such persistence.

...well, Madoka had managed to reach her, in that moment of hope. But Ciel is not that person, and Mami really should look away. Damn her vulnerability, on today of all days.] I realize the comfort that comes from having a sense of direction in life....and I, too, enjoy helping others where I can. It makes me feel as if I've done something worthwhile, even if it's just a small thing, to balance the despair in this world. I hardly intend to stay out of things and do nothing; I guess it's just not in my nature. However- [and here the mask slips, her voice gaining a quiet but definite edge] -I still think that your concern, while admirable, should be saved for another day. ["if at all" she thinks but doesn't add.] Nothing productive will come of me having tea with you in this church on this Sunday, so won't you reconsider the offer?

I'm sorry to be so troublesome, but that's the truth of it.

[expiatrice]

It's fine. I do also admit, I must insist precisely because you say you understand. ...Everyone will eventually, but most people tend to learn these truths later, as opposed to earlier. If you already have, then...

No one is infallible. A person can push themselves as much they like, but once they reach their limit, they'll need to take a break. ...Ah. If you'd really rather not, then that's fine, but I still can't leave you by yourself. There's also nothing for you to apologize for. Believe me, I've met my share of troublesome people during my time here, and you're definitely not one of them. Sitting down to think when you're feeling helpless is infinitely better than try distracting yourself by jumping recklessly into something dangerous. It doesn't have to be productive, either; I've spent entire afternoons here just talking to Matou-san about nothing important. We didn't get anything done, but it wasn't a bad time.

[Seeing Mami like this just confirmed that the girl must have her own share of heavy baggage, and knowing exactly how that feels, Ciel's fully aware that it'll take more than just one afternoon to get her to talk. So there's only one course of action now: to keep her company and ensure that she's not alone. It doesn't matter what they do; as long as it gets her mind off of things, it'll be good enough.

You don't have to be tense. ...Relax, there's nothing to worry about.]

[headedforhope]

I know that too, Miss Ciel. [She doesn't elaborate, of course. Even if she trusted Ciel, even if she wanted to confess what she's seen....it's painful to think about, let alone say.

And despite herself, Mami does begin to relax....slowly, if just in the physical sense at first. Tension bleeding out of her stiff shoulders, breaths coming more naturally and less like something furtively stolen. Dimly, but there, she can't find it in her to be grateful for the relief.]

And I'm just letting you know, as well, of the....risks, I suppose, of trying to take this conversation down a certain path. I mean, that's a harsh word, but I don't want to give you the wrong impression in that respect. [Because it's obvious by now that she can't get away with leaving off those last three words; Mami had been trying to give Ciel the wrong impression about a lot of things since she first arrived in Mayfield, and now Ciel knows better for sure.]

[expiatrice]

Ah. Everyone can be more than what they seem at first glance and I'm aware that impressions aren't everything, so you don't need to worry. There isn't any rush, too. It would be rude and inconsiderate of me to press when it's not my business, but if you ever grow to become comfortable enough to want to talk about something serious with me, I'd be willing to listen and give you my opinion. I might have some advice too, though I can't promise that they may be the best ones available.

[She's weakening the grip on the interrogations, but she still has no intentions of letting Mami leave like that. She never claimed to be NOT nosy, after all.]

In the meanwhile, if you wish to keep what's bothering you to yourself, would you like to talk about something more ordinary instead? You've been here for over a month now, so you must have now gotten a better idea for the town, contrasted to when we first spoke. We never had a chance to just discuss things randomly too, despite living together . Would you be okay with that, Tomoe-san?

[headedforhope]

Thank you, I'll keep it in mind. [Routine, automatic pleasantries providing the usual amount of wriggle room: not a "yes", not a "no". She's found that those are the easiest kinds of lies, and weigh the lightest on her soul.]

And....yes, that would be more agreeable, and probably easier for both of us. [jumps right into it] It seems that I've been made a "popular" kid at the elementary school, and I've been wondering how best to use that effectively- as it means many drone kids listen to me and do what I suggest. So far, I've been trying to dissuade them from picking on the shyer students....

[expiatrice]

[She didn't need a yes or no, so that was more than acceptable an answer for her.]

I'm glad to hear that.

[Nods.] It may be easier to talk sitting down. [If Mami's willing to grab a seat by a pew, she'll settle down next to her, but be careful to also subtly give her some reasonable amount of space to respect her bubble.] That is a good cause to strive for, but maybe it's also urging you to branch out to the new arrivals? Some people that attend school may be from completely different worlds, in which they never received proper education before. Guiding them about the general procedure here would help them, and get you acquainted with a real person instead of having to always interact with drones. They may be predictable and easy to please, but it should be nice and refreshing to talk to someone that actually answers back. The town gets an influx starting from around the second week of each month, I've noticed, so that can be a good timeframe to keep an eye out for. What do you think?