'i killed who i wanted to be. now i am nobody'
first off, i took the subject line from a song title by a band i grew up with in highschool. it is a very good song. too bad they never made it anywhere.
so i went out tonight and i bailed. as soon as i paid the cover i knew i shouldnt be there. sort of like the feeling you get when you know that your mom called to tell you your grandpa died. same sort of feeling. it was discomforting.
i convinced my friends to let me go outside promising to return but they knew better. they always know better. it didnt take me very long. im getting used to the walk plus it was pretty nice out minus my sweater i left in mark's coat at coat check.
the walk turned into a time of reflection since i neglected to bring my ipod. i thought about all the shit i have and all the shit i used to have and all the shit i expected to be by now. the song title seems to fit at about this point.
i missed three shows in a row this week. one was cancelled but the other two were just...neglected. i sat here, in this very spot, debating the idea of attending something i used to love with all my heart; one of the only things of my list of 'happiness'. even thinking about it now i dont regret it. i do, when i listen to the bands but in my heart i feel like i missed out on nothing.
i skipped two fucking shows because of what?
where am i when its too much of a bother to make myself happy?
so i went out tonight and i bailed. as soon as i paid the cover i knew i shouldnt be there. sort of like the feeling you get when you know that your mom called to tell you your grandpa died. same sort of feeling. it was discomforting.
i convinced my friends to let me go outside promising to return but they knew better. they always know better. it didnt take me very long. im getting used to the walk plus it was pretty nice out minus my sweater i left in mark's coat at coat check.
the walk turned into a time of reflection since i neglected to bring my ipod. i thought about all the shit i have and all the shit i used to have and all the shit i expected to be by now. the song title seems to fit at about this point.
i missed three shows in a row this week. one was cancelled but the other two were just...neglected. i sat here, in this very spot, debating the idea of attending something i used to love with all my heart; one of the only things of my list of 'happiness'. even thinking about it now i dont regret it. i do, when i listen to the bands but in my heart i feel like i missed out on nothing.
i skipped two fucking shows because of what?
where am i when its too much of a bother to make myself happy?