(no subject)
Lately, I've felt just so incredibly lonely; ridiculously lonely, where I've sat up at night crying because I feel so alone. I generally feel better during the day, but I find myself unable to relate to my friends; I feel like since starting my new job, I just don't fit in anymore. I still like them as people, but I find myself feeling more irritable when they talk because they just seem so immature. It doesn't help when they patronise me for being single - "oh, it'll be your turn next" - I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that I was in a queue, waiting for a guy to come along?! I feel like screaming at them to not patronise me, to not feel sorry for me.
It makes me sad too that I feel like this, because obviously I do want to have friends, but I just can't seem to stop these anti-social feelings. It's so conflicting; I don't want to be alone, and yet I can't stand the company I have. I don't know if it's just a hormonal change, and I'm just being sensitive, or if it really is me changing as a person. I don't want to sit at lunch with them, feeling that I'm just tolerating them - maybe I'm trying to do some sort of self-preservation because my old group of friends are carrying on without me, and because I'm not around them all the time anymore, I feel left out. Which I do, I won't deny that but I can't identify if it's because of my behaviour or theirs.
It makes me sad too that I feel like this, because obviously I do want to have friends, but I just can't seem to stop these anti-social feelings. It's so conflicting; I don't want to be alone, and yet I can't stand the company I have. I don't know if it's just a hormonal change, and I'm just being sensitive, or if it really is me changing as a person. I don't want to sit at lunch with them, feeling that I'm just tolerating them - maybe I'm trying to do some sort of self-preservation because my old group of friends are carrying on without me, and because I'm not around them all the time anymore, I feel left out. Which I do, I won't deny that but I can't identify if it's because of my behaviour or theirs.