where did he go?
so today was an altogether shitty day.
I was late to work only to be reamed by my bossfo being 40 minutes late. the problem with this is I honestly thought i had to work at 11 and not 10 but I apparently I was wrong. this would not have been bad if it were not for the events that happended before I walked my ass into work.....
ya im driving to work and I get a call from an 808 number (hawaii) and realize it is the number for one of my dearest friends I have known since I was like 3. his number was changed several times and i did not know how to get ahold of him, so I lost contact, and I always put it aside and said tomorrow I have been doing so for fuck going on 7 years. I never made an effort to call or see how he was doing. I feel guilty. a bad friend, not worthy of being his sister anymore. So as I realize that it is his mother caling me and not him my mind goes off to horrible places, did he have an accident is he back in Iraq, did his wife leave him again, and then I thought about his son who he lost about a year ago (mother is a bitch) I thought did something happen to him..... it scares me to think of things that could happen or did happen. But through the whole thing I never thought thtat I would hear the words Cody killed himself. i began to cry incessantly I got to work and My eyes were bloodshot, I could not see to drive and I was hysterical.
throughout the day i began to wonder if he had heard from me one more time would he have done this, If I was the friend I promised to be would it have helped. but I know I cant blame myself. i can only blame the demons in his life. past and present.
i began to think about the good times we had and the bad times thinking that we made it through together and that we were never far apart. I can only count the bad on one hand but the good I need a hundred hands and more. this is the fifth friend i have lost to suicide but none of them hurt more than his... I cant explain y. it jus does. I have to live with that. I dont want to but whatever.
So to top my day off i am sitting here spilling my guts as I cry hard and dream about days past. its sad to know that he will not be there for the rest of my life. its sad to know that, I will never be the same.
In the end.... I learned from sitting and sulking today that I musnt live life like there is a tomorrow today is today and you know not what life has up her sleeve, you must go forth with passion to do today what you have not done yesterday and not put them off for tomorrow cause tomorrow may never come. And continue forth with honesty, love, and passion. I know that cody is always with me.
CODY JAMES BROWN BORN 8/26/84 PASSED 8/31/05
I love you cody, you are always in my heart.
I was late to work only to be reamed by my bossfo being 40 minutes late. the problem with this is I honestly thought i had to work at 11 and not 10 but I apparently I was wrong. this would not have been bad if it were not for the events that happended before I walked my ass into work.....
ya im driving to work and I get a call from an 808 number (hawaii) and realize it is the number for one of my dearest friends I have known since I was like 3. his number was changed several times and i did not know how to get ahold of him, so I lost contact, and I always put it aside and said tomorrow I have been doing so for fuck going on 7 years. I never made an effort to call or see how he was doing. I feel guilty. a bad friend, not worthy of being his sister anymore. So as I realize that it is his mother caling me and not him my mind goes off to horrible places, did he have an accident is he back in Iraq, did his wife leave him again, and then I thought about his son who he lost about a year ago (mother is a bitch) I thought did something happen to him..... it scares me to think of things that could happen or did happen. But through the whole thing I never thought thtat I would hear the words Cody killed himself. i began to cry incessantly I got to work and My eyes were bloodshot, I could not see to drive and I was hysterical.
throughout the day i began to wonder if he had heard from me one more time would he have done this, If I was the friend I promised to be would it have helped. but I know I cant blame myself. i can only blame the demons in his life. past and present.
i began to think about the good times we had and the bad times thinking that we made it through together and that we were never far apart. I can only count the bad on one hand but the good I need a hundred hands and more. this is the fifth friend i have lost to suicide but none of them hurt more than his... I cant explain y. it jus does. I have to live with that. I dont want to but whatever.
So to top my day off i am sitting here spilling my guts as I cry hard and dream about days past. its sad to know that he will not be there for the rest of my life. its sad to know that, I will never be the same.
In the end.... I learned from sitting and sulking today that I musnt live life like there is a tomorrow today is today and you know not what life has up her sleeve, you must go forth with passion to do today what you have not done yesterday and not put them off for tomorrow cause tomorrow may never come. And continue forth with honesty, love, and passion. I know that cody is always with me.
CODY JAMES BROWN BORN 8/26/84 PASSED 8/31/05
I love you cody, you are always in my heart.