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I know its been a while since I've updated this, but I've just been busy and going through alot right now..
I cried over 5 times this weekend..I'm a wreck..I found how how my dad killed himself..along with other stuff that really hurt me..I wrote him a 5 page letter to express my anger..and I let my friend read it..she nearly started crying..just thinking about it makes me want to cry..The only people who will ever truly understand are: My friend Rachelle, her mom, Kristen and my mom..Everyone else around here either 1) hates me, or 2) just wont understand what-so-ever..I cried last night talking to my ex..he's worried about me because I'm so upset..It just feels like my whole insides are being eaten away..I can barely stand to look at a picture of my dad..it makes me want to cry..after finding out what he did..
I was a mistake to him..he never even wanted me..my grandparents (his parents) forced him to stay with my mom..to take care of me..though he never wanted me..according to my mom I was a Suprise to her, but a mistake to him..He hit my mom sometimes..left bruises on her when he didn't get his own way..my mom had to ask his permission to do anything..she was so unhappy..whenever we wanted to do anything, my mom was the only one who ever did anything with us..my fathers computer became his life, as did sleeping and watching tv..he shut himself off from us and the only "family" thing we ever did was go to Six Flags Darien Lake with my dad's side of the family..he never took the time to get to know us..he just shut himself off from us..its like he didn't want anything to do with us..the only thing my mom was good for to him was sex..thats it..and I know how it feels now..now that I realise it..I just can't take it anymore..I just want to break down and cry..but I have no ones shoulder here with me to cry on..I have to hold it in and be strong..for my mothers sake..and my own..
I'm lucky to even be sitting here writing this..because if it weren't for a select few, Jake being #1, I wouldn't be here..my hands are shaking as I write this and tears are building up in my eyes..just the thought of my father makes me sick at this moment..I don't want to say it..but right now..I hate him..with every last ounce within me, I hate him..If he was here right now, I would be telling him this..that he makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about what hes done to my mother and my family..if he had his way while me and my brother were growing up..he would of beat us until we did something right..every time we did something we got punished for it..we were lucky to even be the slightest bit happy at times..I can barely think about all this without crying..I cant take it anymore..I just feel like curling up in a corner and never coming out..my heart's shattering to pieces..I can barely take the pain I feel..but atleast I know..that ever since my mom met my stepdad..she's been happy..my grandma (mom's mom) told her that when she met Alex (my stepdad) she finally got her smile back..and even I could see that..I cried so hard the day my father died..thinking he died loving me..and I guess that was a load of shit..I was fucking mistake to him..I meant nothing!!!
I can't take it anymore...
Jake I love you so much..please baby don't let me feel this pain..please..
I cried over 5 times this weekend..I'm a wreck..I found how how my dad killed himself..along with other stuff that really hurt me..I wrote him a 5 page letter to express my anger..and I let my friend read it..she nearly started crying..just thinking about it makes me want to cry..The only people who will ever truly understand are: My friend Rachelle, her mom, Kristen and my mom..Everyone else around here either 1) hates me, or 2) just wont understand what-so-ever..I cried last night talking to my ex..he's worried about me because I'm so upset..It just feels like my whole insides are being eaten away..I can barely stand to look at a picture of my dad..it makes me want to cry..after finding out what he did..
I was a mistake to him..he never even wanted me..my grandparents (his parents) forced him to stay with my mom..to take care of me..though he never wanted me..according to my mom I was a Suprise to her, but a mistake to him..He hit my mom sometimes..left bruises on her when he didn't get his own way..my mom had to ask his permission to do anything..she was so unhappy..whenever we wanted to do anything, my mom was the only one who ever did anything with us..my fathers computer became his life, as did sleeping and watching tv..he shut himself off from us and the only "family" thing we ever did was go to Six Flags Darien Lake with my dad's side of the family..he never took the time to get to know us..he just shut himself off from us..its like he didn't want anything to do with us..the only thing my mom was good for to him was sex..thats it..and I know how it feels now..now that I realise it..I just can't take it anymore..I just want to break down and cry..but I have no ones shoulder here with me to cry on..I have to hold it in and be strong..for my mothers sake..and my own..
I'm lucky to even be sitting here writing this..because if it weren't for a select few, Jake being #1, I wouldn't be here..my hands are shaking as I write this and tears are building up in my eyes..just the thought of my father makes me sick at this moment..I don't want to say it..but right now..I hate him..with every last ounce within me, I hate him..If he was here right now, I would be telling him this..that he makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about what hes done to my mother and my family..if he had his way while me and my brother were growing up..he would of beat us until we did something right..every time we did something we got punished for it..we were lucky to even be the slightest bit happy at times..I can barely think about all this without crying..I cant take it anymore..I just feel like curling up in a corner and never coming out..my heart's shattering to pieces..I can barely take the pain I feel..but atleast I know..that ever since my mom met my stepdad..she's been happy..my grandma (mom's mom) told her that when she met Alex (my stepdad) she finally got her smile back..and even I could see that..I cried so hard the day my father died..thinking he died loving me..and I guess that was a load of shit..I was fucking mistake to him..I meant nothing!!!
I can't take it anymore...
Jake I love you so much..please baby don't let me feel this pain..please..