Dear Something - Chapter 1 {All Time Low, Sing It Loud and Bring Me the Horizon}
Title: Dear Something
Chapter: 1/?
Author: havah24601
Rating: M
Characters: Jack Barakat (All Time Low), Pat Brown (Sing It Loud), Nate Flynn (Sing It Loud), Alex Gaskarth (All Time Low), Zack Merrick (All Time Low), Oli Sykes (Bring Me the Horizon), Tom Sykes
Pairings: Zack Merrick/Alex Gaskarth, Nate Flynn/Pat Brown (other potential pairings still undetermined)
Warnings: Abuse, violence, psychological issues, angst
POV: 1st Person, switches between all characters, as the story is written in journal entries.
Summary: (Sequel to Dear Nothing) After the organization that harmed Zack and Nate is brought down, it leaves Pat and Nate struggling to recreate their relationship, Oli dead, Tom trying to make it with no family left, Jack working to take care of him and Alex working to help his suddenly deadpan, emotionless boyfriend. Using each other's broken existence for support, the six young men try to make their way out of the ordeal that has scarred each of them for life.
Disclaimer: Thank GOD this is fictional!
Author's Note: Yes, it's sequel time!
Dear Diary,
It’s been three weeks since we buried Oli and I’m starting to feel like I’m never going to be back to normal. I have lost all drive to do anything. I don’t go to school. I don’t even get out of bed most days. My parents let me. They say that I’ve been through a lot and that I need time to recover, but I’m wondering if it would be better if they told me to get my ass out of bed and go to my classes. I don’t know what to say, how to act around anyone and I have no motivation to do anything at all.
Alex is over here almost all of the time, aside from when he’s at school. He lies in bed with me, holds me, and we watch movies, but that’s it. I don’t kiss him and he doesn’t ask me to. Again, I wonder if he asked me to, if that would be easier. I think it might be. I can’t initiate anything because I just feel numb, but if he tried it…maybe not? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore - what to feel, what to think, it’s all just…numb at this point. I really hope that I don’t have to live the rest of my life like this.
-Zack Merrick
Dear Oli,
I can’t believe it’s been three weeks since I said goodbye to you. I know what you want from me. I know that you want me to live the life you’ve always wanted for me, and I really want to do that, to give you that, but you don’t know how hard it is. I feel so alone all of the time, even when I’m surrounded by people. You were right to trust my care to Jack. I live with him now and he does take care of me. I can tell that he’s trying really hard and I feel awful being such a burden to him. He’s a good guy and I’m lucky to have him, even I can’t always see that.
Sometimes I think you’re still around, mostly when I’m asleep. I have dreams that you come back to me; that you were just hiding, that none of this was real. Sometimes I dream of the past, when it was just you and I on our own, and I miss you so much every second of every day. I’m getting to the point where I think the nightmares are better, because when I wake from the dreams, I’m disappointed that you’re gone, depressed that you are never coming back, but when I wake from the nightmares, I find myself breathing out a sigh of relief. Things aren’t getting easier, Oli. I don’t know what to do.
-T.S.
Dear Progress,
Living with Nate scared me at first. I wasn’t sure what it would do for us - would it hurt us, or would it help? As it turns out, though, nothing could be going better. We see each other every day and that’s good, but even better than that is the progress that Nate seems to be making. I try to be with him almost all of the time, working from home doing fact checking for a successful webzine. He doesn’t do much, but he’s been trying, and I completely respect him for that. I love the way that he snuggles up to me at night when we go to sleep and I love that he wants to sleep in my arms again.
He doesn’t love me yet, but everyday he reassures me that he’s getting there, and when he kisses me, when he touches me, I can feel it. We are a long way from being able to have sex, and sometimes I feel like he worries about that more than he should, because I won’t ever stop loving him, even if we never have sex again. I love him with all of my heart and every day I see him growing stronger right before my eyes. I have never felt this way before, even with him. I want to give him everything that I have, to make him know that I’ll never leave him, and I think he’s starting to realize that. I’m not with him because I think I have to be, I’m with him because I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else.
Pat
Dear God,
Zack is a mess. Every day when I go to see him that becomes more and more clear and it’s getting harder to leave him for even a minute of my time. He doesn’t do anything, he just sits around reading or watching TV. He doesn’t show emotion - he doesn’t smile, he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t laugh. It’s like the people who took him stole everything he had. He was so strong, so brave while he was in captivity, but it’s all gone. The light that used to flicker in his eyes, the one that I fell in love with, is gone now and it breaks my heart more and more every time that I look at him.
I hold him constantly, put my arms around him, tell him that I love him, but he doesn’t say it back. He says that he likes me, that he needs me, but never that he loves me. I pretend like I don’t notice because I know he’s hurt. I know that he’s been through a lot, but I’m not sure that I can fix him, not the way that I was at first, and I’m so scared that I’m going to lose him. If you’re going to take Zack away from me, please don’t make him suffer forever. I can handle being without him, but only if I know he’s happy. I know that I’ve never really believed in you before, but I guess it’s true what they say - people turn to God when they’re in a time of need, and I’m really, really in a time of need. Help my boyfriend, please. I love him and as selfish as it is, I need him to be okay.
Sincerely,
Alexander
Dear Confusion,
Tom still hasn’t cried. I hear him in the middle of the night, tossing and turning. Sometimes he screams, sometimes he breathes heavily, panting, and he turns the light on almost every night sometime after 3 AM. I’m tempted to go to him sometimes, but what can I do? Tell him it’s going to be alright when I have no idea if it will be? I do what I can for him, helping him get through his schoolwork, cooking for him, providing for him, but he’s a robot. He goes through his daily motions because he wants to prove to Oli that he didn’t sacrifice himself in vain, but any spark that he had, any passion for learning, it’s gone and I can tell.
I want to find something that speaks to him, something that he can do, but I’m at a loss. I’m confused and I’m scared. I don’t know how to take care of someone like him, no matter how badly I want to. I’ve thought about calling social services, having them find someone else for him to live with, but his brother entrusted him to me, that makes me wholly responsible for what happens to him and I don’t plan on letting Oli down. I talk to him sometimes, to Tom, let him know that I’m here if he ever needs to talk, or wants to, but he seems to ignore me. I want to help more than I’ve ever wanted to help anyone in my life, but I don’t know how to. I just hope I figure it out soon, before it’s too late.
J. Barakat
Dear Love,
Pat is amazing. He spends all of his time with me, and these past three weeks have been the best I’ve had in a long time. We sleep together every night, just holding each other, and I love it, but sometimes I feel like Pat wants more. God bless him, though, he never asks me for anything, he just gives, and he gives everything. I love being in a relationship with him - it feels right, and he says that’s my body and heart remembering being with him the first time. I think that he’s right, to be honest. I love being around him so much and I know that I’m getting closer to falling in love with him, I just hope it’s soon.
He takes me out sometimes, to restaurants, movies, places he says we used to go, and I remember some of the locations, but not the memories. We’ll sit in the back booth of our favorite diner sometimes and he’ll just tell me all of the memories we’ve had there and I smile, telling him that soon, we’ll make new ones. It’s our booth, we both know it, and last time, he took out a pocket knife and carved Pat <3 Nate into the fake leather at the base of the booth. Every time I’m having trouble sleeping now, I just snuggle up against Pat, let him hold me in his arms, and I think about that carving. It makes everything easier. Pat makes everything easier.
: )
Chapter: 1/?
Author: havah24601
Rating: M
Characters: Jack Barakat (All Time Low), Pat Brown (Sing It Loud), Nate Flynn (Sing It Loud), Alex Gaskarth (All Time Low), Zack Merrick (All Time Low), Oli Sykes (Bring Me the Horizon), Tom Sykes
Pairings: Zack Merrick/Alex Gaskarth, Nate Flynn/Pat Brown (other potential pairings still undetermined)
Warnings: Abuse, violence, psychological issues, angst
POV: 1st Person, switches between all characters, as the story is written in journal entries.
Summary: (Sequel to Dear Nothing) After the organization that harmed Zack and Nate is brought down, it leaves Pat and Nate struggling to recreate their relationship, Oli dead, Tom trying to make it with no family left, Jack working to take care of him and Alex working to help his suddenly deadpan, emotionless boyfriend. Using each other's broken existence for support, the six young men try to make their way out of the ordeal that has scarred each of them for life.
Disclaimer: Thank GOD this is fictional!
Author's Note: Yes, it's sequel time!
Dear Diary,
It’s been three weeks since we buried Oli and I’m starting to feel like I’m never going to be back to normal. I have lost all drive to do anything. I don’t go to school. I don’t even get out of bed most days. My parents let me. They say that I’ve been through a lot and that I need time to recover, but I’m wondering if it would be better if they told me to get my ass out of bed and go to my classes. I don’t know what to say, how to act around anyone and I have no motivation to do anything at all.
Alex is over here almost all of the time, aside from when he’s at school. He lies in bed with me, holds me, and we watch movies, but that’s it. I don’t kiss him and he doesn’t ask me to. Again, I wonder if he asked me to, if that would be easier. I think it might be. I can’t initiate anything because I just feel numb, but if he tried it…maybe not? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore - what to feel, what to think, it’s all just…numb at this point. I really hope that I don’t have to live the rest of my life like this.
-Zack Merrick
Dear Oli,
I can’t believe it’s been three weeks since I said goodbye to you. I know what you want from me. I know that you want me to live the life you’ve always wanted for me, and I really want to do that, to give you that, but you don’t know how hard it is. I feel so alone all of the time, even when I’m surrounded by people. You were right to trust my care to Jack. I live with him now and he does take care of me. I can tell that he’s trying really hard and I feel awful being such a burden to him. He’s a good guy and I’m lucky to have him, even I can’t always see that.
Sometimes I think you’re still around, mostly when I’m asleep. I have dreams that you come back to me; that you were just hiding, that none of this was real. Sometimes I dream of the past, when it was just you and I on our own, and I miss you so much every second of every day. I’m getting to the point where I think the nightmares are better, because when I wake from the dreams, I’m disappointed that you’re gone, depressed that you are never coming back, but when I wake from the nightmares, I find myself breathing out a sigh of relief. Things aren’t getting easier, Oli. I don’t know what to do.
-T.S.
Dear Progress,
Living with Nate scared me at first. I wasn’t sure what it would do for us - would it hurt us, or would it help? As it turns out, though, nothing could be going better. We see each other every day and that’s good, but even better than that is the progress that Nate seems to be making. I try to be with him almost all of the time, working from home doing fact checking for a successful webzine. He doesn’t do much, but he’s been trying, and I completely respect him for that. I love the way that he snuggles up to me at night when we go to sleep and I love that he wants to sleep in my arms again.
He doesn’t love me yet, but everyday he reassures me that he’s getting there, and when he kisses me, when he touches me, I can feel it. We are a long way from being able to have sex, and sometimes I feel like he worries about that more than he should, because I won’t ever stop loving him, even if we never have sex again. I love him with all of my heart and every day I see him growing stronger right before my eyes. I have never felt this way before, even with him. I want to give him everything that I have, to make him know that I’ll never leave him, and I think he’s starting to realize that. I’m not with him because I think I have to be, I’m with him because I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else.
Pat
Dear God,
Zack is a mess. Every day when I go to see him that becomes more and more clear and it’s getting harder to leave him for even a minute of my time. He doesn’t do anything, he just sits around reading or watching TV. He doesn’t show emotion - he doesn’t smile, he doesn’t cry, he doesn’t laugh. It’s like the people who took him stole everything he had. He was so strong, so brave while he was in captivity, but it’s all gone. The light that used to flicker in his eyes, the one that I fell in love with, is gone now and it breaks my heart more and more every time that I look at him.
I hold him constantly, put my arms around him, tell him that I love him, but he doesn’t say it back. He says that he likes me, that he needs me, but never that he loves me. I pretend like I don’t notice because I know he’s hurt. I know that he’s been through a lot, but I’m not sure that I can fix him, not the way that I was at first, and I’m so scared that I’m going to lose him. If you’re going to take Zack away from me, please don’t make him suffer forever. I can handle being without him, but only if I know he’s happy. I know that I’ve never really believed in you before, but I guess it’s true what they say - people turn to God when they’re in a time of need, and I’m really, really in a time of need. Help my boyfriend, please. I love him and as selfish as it is, I need him to be okay.
Sincerely,
Alexander
Dear Confusion,
Tom still hasn’t cried. I hear him in the middle of the night, tossing and turning. Sometimes he screams, sometimes he breathes heavily, panting, and he turns the light on almost every night sometime after 3 AM. I’m tempted to go to him sometimes, but what can I do? Tell him it’s going to be alright when I have no idea if it will be? I do what I can for him, helping him get through his schoolwork, cooking for him, providing for him, but he’s a robot. He goes through his daily motions because he wants to prove to Oli that he didn’t sacrifice himself in vain, but any spark that he had, any passion for learning, it’s gone and I can tell.
I want to find something that speaks to him, something that he can do, but I’m at a loss. I’m confused and I’m scared. I don’t know how to take care of someone like him, no matter how badly I want to. I’ve thought about calling social services, having them find someone else for him to live with, but his brother entrusted him to me, that makes me wholly responsible for what happens to him and I don’t plan on letting Oli down. I talk to him sometimes, to Tom, let him know that I’m here if he ever needs to talk, or wants to, but he seems to ignore me. I want to help more than I’ve ever wanted to help anyone in my life, but I don’t know how to. I just hope I figure it out soon, before it’s too late.
J. Barakat
Dear Love,
Pat is amazing. He spends all of his time with me, and these past three weeks have been the best I’ve had in a long time. We sleep together every night, just holding each other, and I love it, but sometimes I feel like Pat wants more. God bless him, though, he never asks me for anything, he just gives, and he gives everything. I love being in a relationship with him - it feels right, and he says that’s my body and heart remembering being with him the first time. I think that he’s right, to be honest. I love being around him so much and I know that I’m getting closer to falling in love with him, I just hope it’s soon.
He takes me out sometimes, to restaurants, movies, places he says we used to go, and I remember some of the locations, but not the memories. We’ll sit in the back booth of our favorite diner sometimes and he’ll just tell me all of the memories we’ve had there and I smile, telling him that soon, we’ll make new ones. It’s our booth, we both know it, and last time, he took out a pocket knife and carved Pat <3 Nate into the fake leather at the base of the booth. Every time I’m having trouble sleeping now, I just snuggle up against Pat, let him hold me in his arms, and I think about that carving. It makes everything easier. Pat makes everything easier.
: )