This prevents me from hearing my own intuition
..in other words, these are a few of my fears.
I am afraid I need too much from her. That I am completely wrong for her, in almost every way. I've never been right for anyone. So many times I've thought wrong. I often wonder, anymore, if my love is something bad. And maybe, I should just keep it to myself. Then I wouldn't be able to have any expectations of a return. That whole get what you give thing. So many "what if's" in my head right now...swirling around with this shadowing echo of my mom telling me "you can't live your life on what if's, Nick" Why do I care so much? Feel so vulnerable, so sensitive? Trapped in this plaguing silence. Circling my failures, reliving cursed memory. This hauntd past...will it forever repeat itself? Or can I learn finally...can I be enough, could I ever deserve her? I feel I should back off a ways. Let the poor girl breathe. Give her time. To understand, to feel. "I'd give up everything, if only for your good."
If only I didn't always have such fucked up feelings. "Fists, like words in my head, scream: 'are we having fun, yet?'" I feel like I've failed this quest for something.. and I don't even know what it was I was searching for. Perhaps I truly have no purpose...that this really IS all just a big waste of time, space and energy. Or...maybe my dad has just been right all along. And it's me that's just the worthless waste, never going to amount to anything. "Why do we dream if our thoughts mean nothing?"
I wonder when finally I can just be happy with and accept just being with me? "Me. Talking to myself in public. Dodging glances on the train. And I know. I know they've all been talkin' about me, I can hear them whisper. And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me." Something inside me got severely mangled along the way...I guess? I don't know. Just some warped mind, mangling this bleeding heart...
I am afraid I need too much from her. That I am completely wrong for her, in almost every way. I've never been right for anyone. So many times I've thought wrong. I often wonder, anymore, if my love is something bad. And maybe, I should just keep it to myself. Then I wouldn't be able to have any expectations of a return. That whole get what you give thing. So many "what if's" in my head right now...swirling around with this shadowing echo of my mom telling me "you can't live your life on what if's, Nick" Why do I care so much? Feel so vulnerable, so sensitive? Trapped in this plaguing silence. Circling my failures, reliving cursed memory. This hauntd past...will it forever repeat itself? Or can I learn finally...can I be enough, could I ever deserve her? I feel I should back off a ways. Let the poor girl breathe. Give her time. To understand, to feel. "I'd give up everything, if only for your good."
If only I didn't always have such fucked up feelings. "Fists, like words in my head, scream: 'are we having fun, yet?'" I feel like I've failed this quest for something.. and I don't even know what it was I was searching for. Perhaps I truly have no purpose...that this really IS all just a big waste of time, space and energy. Or...maybe my dad has just been right all along. And it's me that's just the worthless waste, never going to amount to anything. "Why do we dream if our thoughts mean nothing?"
I wonder when finally I can just be happy with and accept just being with me? "Me. Talking to myself in public. Dodging glances on the train. And I know. I know they've all been talkin' about me, I can hear them whisper. And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me." Something inside me got severely mangled along the way...I guess? I don't know. Just some warped mind, mangling this bleeding heart...