The Wormwoods: One Big Happy Family
"Yeah, it's me, Adela again. I had to clean the bathroom. BritBrit popped out her litter of Byron-spawn in there. It was inevitable I suppose. It's not like she could be permanently preggers.
She's named the little boogers Justyce and Shyanna. I suppose they're cute, I guess. Maybe.
Byron's a goofy ball of new daddy glee. I haven't seen him this happy since he found BritBrit on the playground. That's what happens when you bring home strays, they always throw a litter. Mom never let us have any pets.
Mom's irritated by the babies. They're like new bits of furniture that she didn't pick out and she's not fond of them, but no one kept the receipt and it was final sale, so she's stuck with them.
"They'll get more interesting as they can do more chores around the house, I suppose." Then she's back to her normal day of online shopping, jumping Dr. Richard in the backyard and trying to figure out how to get the house-arrest bracelet off her ankle. Don't ask. There was a tiny bit of shoplifting and grand theft auto involved, but I think she was innocent this time.
Dr. Richard is making me nervous. I think he's up to something. Damn him. I don't want him to be up to anything. The family seems stable now, well as much as the Wormwoods can be stable. When BritBrit popped out her sproglets he chortled in glee and said, "Twins! They'll be perfect for the epilogue!"
"Epilogue? What epilogue?"
"Oh never you mind Adela, never you mind..." and he left giggling.
I'm watching him now. He's always spent a lot of time on the computer, but he password locks his user account. I had Byron install a keylogger. I'm not completely stupid, I've figured out by now that Byron was the cause of my web-cam empire's destruction. Eh. Look at me now, it's probably for the best. That would be seriously warped, because nobody normal would want to see me and my perma-scowl doing anything!
"Oh no... oh please no..."
Dr. Richard had written a book. It was almost finished. The working title was "Renee Wormwood: Portrait of a Black Widow." We were all screwed. Mom had told him everything and he was going to sell us out. Oh Mom, she was going to be so crushed, she'd been doing so well...
"Byron, Brit... we have to tell Mom about the book. I think she's better now, less likely to snap and kill. Maybe she can talk to Dr. Richard and convince him to not publish it."
"Adela, what about us? What about our family? What about the babies?"
"I suppose we had better have a backup plan, just in case."
"I'll get the first aid kit Byron, you grab the diaper bag."
Mom was reading a smutty picture book and chortling. "Hey Mom?"
"What Adela? Jesus, look at these fools. You can tell which ones are really shocked at getting caught cheating and which ones are hoping to get caught because they get off on it. Did I ever tell you about working at Madame's that night when the Prince of that little European country with all the sheep? Well, he wanted me to wear these ridiculous leggings made of fuzzy sheepskin and then he had me start wailing "BAA! BAAA! I'm a widdle wost sheepie! BAAA!--"
"Mom! That's just gross."
"It's not gross until they bring in a REAL sheep. That costs extra. What's up? You look more scowlly than usual. God I hate house arrest. I'm trapped here with my FAMILY and they all want to TALK to me about their lives and I'm trapped listening to their petty problems and smell their odors and nothing ever has anything to do with me!---"
"Mom! Just shut up for a moment, have you gotten into the espresso again? I thought Byron hid that machine. Mom. You love Dr. Richard, don't you?"
"Yes, I do. Of course. He's cured me!"
"Mom, he's written a book about us. About you. About all of us. I read it on the computer."
"Oh I'm sure you're just over-reacting. Let me take a look."
Mom sat in front of the computer and she was very quiet for a long time. She got up and locked herself in the bathroom, without a single word.