The Wormwoods: Gestational Edition
"Hey there! It's BritBrit again. I'm still living with the Wormwoods. Things have really changed since the fire. I've really changed! I mean just LOOK AT ME! I'm getting to be as big as Ms. Damuth who lived down the trailer park lane. She had like five kids, Jimmie, Jasper, John, Jacob and Jamal. Their dads were like totally supportive. They all came by the trailer a few times a year, brought a bottle of Johnnie Walker for mom and Boone's Strawberry Hill for the kids. It was really sweet of those daddies. She'd let me eat with her family from time to time, she just lost track of how many mouths were at the table I guess.
Anyways, I'm still pregnant and I'm still so in love with my sweet sugarbear Byron. He's so nice to me, he holds my hair back when I toss my cookies. Well, he tried to, but then he got all grossed out and ran out. He did try. He really did.
I feel sorry for Adela, but she'd strangle me before she'd let me pity her. I'd rather not die. I think she's going to be fine, she's too mean to let a little thing like skin grafts stop her.
I offered to buy a new house for the family but Byron swore me to secrecy and told me never to talk about my money that I inherited from Linus again. Grandma Renee gets this hungry look in her eyes and hums softly to herself when anyone talks money. "Would I rather be happy or rich? Well, rich of course. Money can always buy you happiness. Happiness has his own American Express Black Card, knows the manager at Bloomingdale's and has a ten inch... " Grandma Renee scares me.
Dr. Richard is a little odd too. He's always taking notes and talking with way too many big words. I just nod and grin and hope he shuts up soon. He nods and grins and talks to my belly and then giggles a little to himself. He's odd.
I feel really big. I feel like I swallowed a bag of cement. My doc says that I have good wide hips and that I'm going to do just fine. He asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the babies and I said no. I want it to be a surprise. I think he was kidding when he said babies. There's no way there could be more than one in here. He had to be joking.
I think I want to give birth in the hot tub at the hospital. I could light candles and turn on some sexy music and I could give birth right there in the bubbles and it would be beautiful and romantic. I wonder what happens to the water after the birthing is done, do they change it or just put the next one in? It can get awful crowded at the hospital.
I really want a lot of drugs though. I do not want to feel ANYTHING. I want an epidural, a bunch of pills and one of those things that you click like a TV remote that drips into your veins. CLICKIECLICKIECLICKIE ahhhhhh! I want this to be a beautiful experience, and a classy one. There should be flowers in the room and Faith Hill playing. I want Byron to rub my feet and touch my face and tell me how beautiful I am.
That would be perfect.
Is the sink leaking? Why are my feet all wet? I think I peed my pants! Oh great. Wait, this hurts. THIS HURTS! "ANYBODY!? HELP!?"
Where's my music and my DRUGS!!!!!!?