What if I died..
i was staring at the coffin of my grandfather when three things came to mind.
first is that, when i die, i want to be buried. not cremated.
second, during the wake, i want my relatives and friends to wear black but
during the burial, i want all of them to wear violet or purple or blue.
and lastly, i wondered who will go to my wake and what will they say about me.
yeah i know this topic is kinda morbid.. but i stayed up all night last saturday
to keep watch over my grandfather.. >> and sum of my relatives. actually, i was
a bit surprised by the number of people who lent support to my family.. my grandpa's churchmates, neighbors, and relatives..and also a lot of my dad and my uncles and aunts' friends, old classmates, and workmates dropped by and helped comfort our family. as i listened to some of them saying such nice things about grandpa, i suddenly wondered..
if i died, who will come to my funeral? >> i thought long and hard.. besides my immediate family, relatives, churchmates, and present workmates.. i doubt that my
old classmates from highschool.. or even from college will come. well maybe just one or two from college.. but the rest.. >> i dunno. i havent been in touch with them for the longest time.. and well.. >_< it just only dawned on me right now that i really am too introverted. most of the friends ive made in highschool or college are gone.. >> i look at my siblings and see them still keep in constant touch with their old highschool friends.. and i wonder.. am i normal at all? is my social skills normal at all? am i too much of a loner.
earlier, sum of my churchmates also dropped by at the wake. they said their hellos but didnt talk to me that much. and i found myself sitting all alone in a corner. and i couldnt help thinking that my assessment is right.. i dont know how to relate to other people anymore. besides "professionally".. i dont know how to open up .. to anyone! i dont talk about my feelings or my secrets to anyone anymore. when i get depressed, or lonely, or pissed off.. instead of letting it out.. i just run to a book or to the computer or watch an anime.. to deaden my emotions.. so that i wont feel anything.
and i worry.. whats wrong with me? why am i like this? is this healthy anymore? i feel like a robot. are these worries.. thoughts.. and these feelings occurring because of my grandpa's death? or is it because i just realized all these things.
actually, im really scared. very scared. that when i die, no one will come to my funeral. id be as pathetic as i am today..
and i worried, yes i actually am worried about this. since gaia and my net friends are the only form of socialization that i have.. i worry that if i suddenly die, how on earth will you guys find out that im dead? what if i just didnt post for a month.. or two.. without any warning.. will you guys get worried? will you miss me? or just shrug and think that i got fed up with gaia?
x__x i dont want that to happen. if i die suddenly, i want you guys to know. i want you guys to know.. that i cared enough for you guys.. that you are the ones whom i consider as friends.. that even though you wouldnt be able to be there during my wake when i die.. at least i know that you guys know.. and thats enough for me.
yeah i know im being morbid.. but so help me god.. >_< i want to let this out before i go mad. x__x so yeah.. if i dont post for 2-3 months.. without telling anyone through email or IM that im not gonna be online.. then that would mean that sumthing really bad happened to me. but most probably id tell my sister to inform you guys sumhow.. at least to inform twinneh.. coz i dont want twinneh to think that im like the others.. who just disappear without a trace.. without saying goodbye.
if i leave without saying goodbye.. and you dont hear from me for 2-3months (at LJ.. >> a year? XD).. then im most probably dead, or have amnesia, or sumthing really bad happened to me and i cant go online.
so thats all. with that off my chest, i think i can sleep in peace now. pun not intended. XP i guess its just.. i think most of us wants to be assured that you mattered to this world.. mattered enough that people will miss you when you are gone.. that i guess is the only comfort we can be assured of.. that at one time, you existed.
first is that, when i die, i want to be buried. not cremated.
second, during the wake, i want my relatives and friends to wear black but
during the burial, i want all of them to wear violet or purple or blue.
and lastly, i wondered who will go to my wake and what will they say about me.
yeah i know this topic is kinda morbid.. but i stayed up all night last saturday
to keep watch over my grandfather.. >> and sum of my relatives. actually, i was
a bit surprised by the number of people who lent support to my family.. my grandpa's churchmates, neighbors, and relatives..and also a lot of my dad and my uncles and aunts' friends, old classmates, and workmates dropped by and helped comfort our family. as i listened to some of them saying such nice things about grandpa, i suddenly wondered..
if i died, who will come to my funeral? >> i thought long and hard.. besides my immediate family, relatives, churchmates, and present workmates.. i doubt that my
old classmates from highschool.. or even from college will come. well maybe just one or two from college.. but the rest.. >> i dunno. i havent been in touch with them for the longest time.. and well.. >_< it just only dawned on me right now that i really am too introverted. most of the friends ive made in highschool or college are gone.. >> i look at my siblings and see them still keep in constant touch with their old highschool friends.. and i wonder.. am i normal at all? is my social skills normal at all? am i too much of a loner.
earlier, sum of my churchmates also dropped by at the wake. they said their hellos but didnt talk to me that much. and i found myself sitting all alone in a corner. and i couldnt help thinking that my assessment is right.. i dont know how to relate to other people anymore. besides "professionally".. i dont know how to open up .. to anyone! i dont talk about my feelings or my secrets to anyone anymore. when i get depressed, or lonely, or pissed off.. instead of letting it out.. i just run to a book or to the computer or watch an anime.. to deaden my emotions.. so that i wont feel anything.
and i worry.. whats wrong with me? why am i like this? is this healthy anymore? i feel like a robot. are these worries.. thoughts.. and these feelings occurring because of my grandpa's death? or is it because i just realized all these things.
actually, im really scared. very scared. that when i die, no one will come to my funeral. id be as pathetic as i am today..
and i worried, yes i actually am worried about this. since gaia and my net friends are the only form of socialization that i have.. i worry that if i suddenly die, how on earth will you guys find out that im dead? what if i just didnt post for a month.. or two.. without any warning.. will you guys get worried? will you miss me? or just shrug and think that i got fed up with gaia?
x__x i dont want that to happen. if i die suddenly, i want you guys to know. i want you guys to know.. that i cared enough for you guys.. that you are the ones whom i consider as friends.. that even though you wouldnt be able to be there during my wake when i die.. at least i know that you guys know.. and thats enough for me.
yeah i know im being morbid.. but so help me god.. >_< i want to let this out before i go mad. x__x so yeah.. if i dont post for 2-3 months.. without telling anyone through email or IM that im not gonna be online.. then that would mean that sumthing really bad happened to me. but most probably id tell my sister to inform you guys sumhow.. at least to inform twinneh.. coz i dont want twinneh to think that im like the others.. who just disappear without a trace.. without saying goodbye.
if i leave without saying goodbye.. and you dont hear from me for 2-3months (at LJ.. >> a year? XD).. then im most probably dead, or have amnesia, or sumthing really bad happened to me and i cant go online.
so thats all. with that off my chest, i think i can sleep in peace now. pun not intended. XP i guess its just.. i think most of us wants to be assured that you mattered to this world.. mattered enough that people will miss you when you are gone.. that i guess is the only comfort we can be assured of.. that at one time, you existed.