homeless again.
I don't know where to begin. I moved out of my apartment and back home with my mom lastnight. Rin moved in in my place. I'll miss living on my own- it totally sucks to be back home, and I want to be out of here ASAP. I've been applying everywhere but no luck so far.
So much has happened, and I need to get it all out. It hurts so much, but it's all my own fault. I hurt the person I care for the most in the world, and I have lost him because of it.
While I was living with Kali, a band that she promotes for called Shattermask came and stayed in our apartment for about two weeks while they were on tour. During that time, I cheated on Ford with the lead singer, Priest. Everyone that knows me knows how velhemently I oppose those who cheat. I have never cheated on anyone in my life until now. I don't know why I did. Priest and I spent the entire night driving around and talking and I mentioned how I sometimes desire to be with other people, and Priest told me then that he really wanted me. He told me that because I still wanted to be with other people, that I shouldn't be with Ford because I wasn't ready for the commitment Ford deserves. And I believed him. I planned to tell Ford that we needed a break so that I could be ready for him the next day. Priest said it was the right thing to do, and it made sense to me then, so we went back to my apartment and since it was like 5 am, everyone was sleeping. We went to my room to talk and I ended up falling asleep.I woke up during the night and he started touching me outside of my clothes. I let him at first. But after 2-3 minutes, it started to make me feel sick. I didn't want him anymore. I realized that Ford is the only person I ever want to touch me again. Up until now, we've had an open realationship. I never want that again. So I told Priest that I couldn't do it and I called Ford the next morning. He came over, and I told him what had happened. He was so hurt. Telling him what I'd done was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He told me to go on tour with the band and get myself sorted out. So I did. On the way, we were pulled over and searched.Everyone I was with hard drugs on them. A lot of shit happened that night, and I realized that being around them wasn't what I wanted. They weren't who I thought they were, and Ford was right to not trust them. When we got back to Tallahassee, I went to Ford and we spent the night together. I thought that we would work everything out, and he tried to. I know how difficult it must be for him. The girl who promised him her heart betrayed his selfless love. He treated me so well, and I took him for granted. It was the worst decision and the biggest mistake that I've ever made. He stayed with me for about a week and then one night he broke up with me. You see, when we first got together it was six months after a bad breakup for him. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't get into another realationship for a year when he met me. He decided to be with me anyway. So he's told me now that he's going to finish that promise to himself. It's so hard and I'm so scared that he'll forget about me or be with someone else. I've tried to make him be with me again, I regret to say. But after last night I realized that my actions were only pushing him even farther away. I have to give him this time. No matter how much I miss him or how much it hurts me. He needs it. And I don't want to make things any worse or mess up any future chance I still may have with him. In my mind, I am still his, and I will wait for him. I love him with all of my heart and soul. That feeling is so strong. I would give anything to fix the hurt I've caused. Even if it's losing him for awhile. I know that this isn't about me now. It is about what he wants, and I've accepted that as best I can.
I know you're out there baby. Take care of yourself, and know that I can't wait for you to return to me. I love you Magic. I'm going to make you proud of me. I can do this. I miss you baby. I can't wait to see you again.
So much has happened, and I need to get it all out. It hurts so much, but it's all my own fault. I hurt the person I care for the most in the world, and I have lost him because of it.
While I was living with Kali, a band that she promotes for called Shattermask came and stayed in our apartment for about two weeks while they were on tour. During that time, I cheated on Ford with the lead singer, Priest. Everyone that knows me knows how velhemently I oppose those who cheat. I have never cheated on anyone in my life until now. I don't know why I did. Priest and I spent the entire night driving around and talking and I mentioned how I sometimes desire to be with other people, and Priest told me then that he really wanted me. He told me that because I still wanted to be with other people, that I shouldn't be with Ford because I wasn't ready for the commitment Ford deserves. And I believed him. I planned to tell Ford that we needed a break so that I could be ready for him the next day. Priest said it was the right thing to do, and it made sense to me then, so we went back to my apartment and since it was like 5 am, everyone was sleeping. We went to my room to talk and I ended up falling asleep.I woke up during the night and he started touching me outside of my clothes. I let him at first. But after 2-3 minutes, it started to make me feel sick. I didn't want him anymore. I realized that Ford is the only person I ever want to touch me again. Up until now, we've had an open realationship. I never want that again. So I told Priest that I couldn't do it and I called Ford the next morning. He came over, and I told him what had happened. He was so hurt. Telling him what I'd done was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He told me to go on tour with the band and get myself sorted out. So I did. On the way, we were pulled over and searched.Everyone I was with hard drugs on them. A lot of shit happened that night, and I realized that being around them wasn't what I wanted. They weren't who I thought they were, and Ford was right to not trust them. When we got back to Tallahassee, I went to Ford and we spent the night together. I thought that we would work everything out, and he tried to. I know how difficult it must be for him. The girl who promised him her heart betrayed his selfless love. He treated me so well, and I took him for granted. It was the worst decision and the biggest mistake that I've ever made. He stayed with me for about a week and then one night he broke up with me. You see, when we first got together it was six months after a bad breakup for him. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't get into another realationship for a year when he met me. He decided to be with me anyway. So he's told me now that he's going to finish that promise to himself. It's so hard and I'm so scared that he'll forget about me or be with someone else. I've tried to make him be with me again, I regret to say. But after last night I realized that my actions were only pushing him even farther away. I have to give him this time. No matter how much I miss him or how much it hurts me. He needs it. And I don't want to make things any worse or mess up any future chance I still may have with him. In my mind, I am still his, and I will wait for him. I love him with all of my heart and soul. That feeling is so strong. I would give anything to fix the hurt I've caused. Even if it's losing him for awhile. I know that this isn't about me now. It is about what he wants, and I've accepted that as best I can.
I know you're out there baby. Take care of yourself, and know that I can't wait for you to return to me. I love you Magic. I'm going to make you proud of me. I can do this. I miss you baby. I can't wait to see you again.