crap. i thought i had it all figured out.
i can't tell if i'm advancing or falling behind. it's very weird.
i'm weak. i can see it. i can feel it. i'm extremely weak.
but my nefound awareness of my weakness allows me to gain strength. i've never been able to see and feel my weakness like this before.
additionally, i can put my awareness into my limbs. i can feel... things i wouldn't normally feel.
i can put my awareness into my hand. then when i choose to grab something, i can feel an intense desire to consume as if my hand were a mouth. when i chose to support something with my hand, i can feel it intensely, as if i were giving my entire body to hold all of the weight of a loved one.
but i can easily remove myself from that. go back into my head, or go back into my body, or my legs, or feet. perhaps i could go into my organs as well. since it's late at night, i can't try going into other people.
but none-the-less, i'm weak. i'm frail. i'm made of flesh and bone.
i can't crush a rock. i can't lift thousands of pounds. i can barely survive.
it might be that my mind is not a part of my body.
maybe i need to do that next.
i just don't get it. i've failed. i've more than failed, and i'm still failing. yet here i am taking another step upward, one that i didn't realize existed. am i playing a weird game of shutes and ladders? do i keep chosing the right shutes?
i'm really confused now.
i think this is the first time an epiphany/awakening has utterly confused me.
but... at least i'm myself now. i'm aware of how weak i am. i can feel reality.
i'm weak. i can see it. i can feel it. i'm extremely weak.
but my nefound awareness of my weakness allows me to gain strength. i've never been able to see and feel my weakness like this before.
additionally, i can put my awareness into my limbs. i can feel... things i wouldn't normally feel.
i can put my awareness into my hand. then when i choose to grab something, i can feel an intense desire to consume as if my hand were a mouth. when i chose to support something with my hand, i can feel it intensely, as if i were giving my entire body to hold all of the weight of a loved one.
but i can easily remove myself from that. go back into my head, or go back into my body, or my legs, or feet. perhaps i could go into my organs as well. since it's late at night, i can't try going into other people.
but none-the-less, i'm weak. i'm frail. i'm made of flesh and bone.
i can't crush a rock. i can't lift thousands of pounds. i can barely survive.
it might be that my mind is not a part of my body.
maybe i need to do that next.
i just don't get it. i've failed. i've more than failed, and i'm still failing. yet here i am taking another step upward, one that i didn't realize existed. am i playing a weird game of shutes and ladders? do i keep chosing the right shutes?
i'm really confused now.
i think this is the first time an epiphany/awakening has utterly confused me.
but... at least i'm myself now. i'm aware of how weak i am. i can feel reality.