[Fic] And So You'll Go Blind
*grumble, grumble* I hate you plot bunnies...I really do.
Character(s): Kanda, Lavi (friendship)
Fandom: D. Gray Man
Kink: Kanda crying manly tears. Nothing uke about it. Preferred Lavi be there to comfort him (doesn't have to be), can be smut, but more angst that smut.
A/N: I'm SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING A PAPER DAMMIT. Stupid one line sentences getting in my head and poking everything else in the eyes till they go blind...Err...*cough* not sure if this wound up as spoilerish as I had originally intended, but then what do I know? Nadda...I can't even control my own brain, thank you very much T^T
Warning(s): High dosage of crypticness, and angst....err not sure how to gauge the angst. Sorry if none of this makes sense *cough*
Kanda Yuu hated tears. They were atrocious things that made everything softer around the edges, and made his head hurt too damn much. And his head was hurting...too damn much. Did he say that already? He wasn't sure. Never had been sure. Not quite, or at least, he thinks as much. Because what could he be sure about? Death was a certain thing, wasn't it? Well, he had proved that theory wrong at least in personal experience. Had proved it, restated it, to the awe of others--millions.
Except...he knew it was just him, and not them, and to them death was one hit with a bullet and they were gone. He was the 'lucky' one. The 'brash' one. The one they relied on, because what else could he be used for?
...Now death, yes, was a certain thing. He'd like to think it was, like with tears equating to sadness--but that was just a little messed up, wasn't it? Wasn't it? And he never really got the point of it.
Allen cried for Akuma
Lenalee cried for friends
Tiedoll cried and it was annoying.
Everyone else cried, because of fear.
Well, except Lavi, but then, Kanda thought, maybe the man was just as screwed up as he was.
Being screwed up was certain, too, wasn't it?
Like tears.
Like being stuck in a fucking war where there wouldn't be a pleasant end and you knew it and could see it--and stupid Moyashi's were too fucking naive.
It was no wonder he had brushed them away. Because they were certain of their lives. They were certain of what they needed to do. But they didn't get it. Never got it. Never, never--
He exhaled, breath puffing. He was in a corridor, long and dark and he wasn't quite sure how long he had been walking, but the ground beneath him was solid and smooth and coarse, and he could feel it unwavering beneath him.
And he hated it.
Hated that he could barely see it, and not because of the dark. Could barely see it because--well--what was there to see? His chest hurt a little too much.
'He's been in that state for 9 years'
The air wouldn't come. Wouldn't flow--in out, in out--but he assumed he needed a little more force, to get his lungs working, but the air was so cold.
'What kind of monster ARE you?'
"I'm not a monster. I'm 'human', just like you are.'
'No you aren't--you can't be--stop it--Yuu-kun--Kanda, do something!'
He had just stared. Only stared.
Because he had been certain.
Sacrifices must be made. Had always been made. Needed to be made, for anyone to get anywhere.
White haired beansprouts never understood it. Lenalee's and their tears tried to prevent it, to shelter it.
Redheaded bunny rabbits understood it.
Which is why he kept moving, maybe. Which is why he kept moving because he wasn't quite sure where he was going--but the memories were still there.
Yuu it's wonderful to finally see you again! I haven't seen you in--years!
Stop
He wanted them to stop.
Stop Stop Stop
The hall was blurring again, and it shrunk, thinned, he was pressed against the side of the wall, cold and clammy, eyes covered in that disgustingly certain emotion.
But he wasn't.
He liked to think. He liked to think. He'd like to think he could brush it away. But instead he wound up hitting the wall. The wall in it's firm certainness--it never helped. Ever.
He had to keep moving.
They were looking for him. They had seen him--him in--
"Dammit." The word itself was uncertain. Uncertainly weak because he couldn't be anything else. Couldn't be anything else with the warm pricks in his eyes, and the sore muscles that were slowly healing.
You're supposed to be dead!
But you kept me alive.
They kept him alive.
9...9 years...
Nine years.
"I thought I killed you..."
"You thought ya did, Yuu-chan." He wasn't quite ready for the response, but his head jolted up anyway, around, and he saw that mop of redhair through the blurry certainness.
"No one can blame ya for that." The man continued, moving closer. He didn't want closer. Or maybe he did. Because he couldn't see anymore, the ground under him, or the wall, except he was trying to push away from it--against it--and goddammit he wasn't--"It's okay ta cry about it, Yuu,"
And maybe he hated the man for mentioning it.
Or maybe he didn't.
Maybe the headache wasn't so bad for once. Or the need for arms, wrapping--for the certain feeling of safe and comfort because he couldn't with anyone else.
Redheaded rabbits understood.
And maybe that was a certain-ness he could keep.
Character(s): Kanda, Lavi (friendship)
Fandom: D. Gray Man
Kink: Kanda crying manly tears. Nothing uke about it. Preferred Lavi be there to comfort him (doesn't have to be), can be smut, but more angst that smut.
A/N: I'm SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING A PAPER DAMMIT. Stupid one line sentences getting in my head and poking everything else in the eyes till they go blind...Err...*cough* not sure if this wound up as spoilerish as I had originally intended, but then what do I know? Nadda...I can't even control my own brain, thank you very much T^T
Warning(s): High dosage of crypticness, and angst....err not sure how to gauge the angst. Sorry if none of this makes sense *cough*
Kanda Yuu hated tears. They were atrocious things that made everything softer around the edges, and made his head hurt too damn much. And his head was hurting...too damn much. Did he say that already? He wasn't sure. Never had been sure. Not quite, or at least, he thinks as much. Because what could he be sure about? Death was a certain thing, wasn't it? Well, he had proved that theory wrong at least in personal experience. Had proved it, restated it, to the awe of others--millions.
Except...he knew it was just him, and not them, and to them death was one hit with a bullet and they were gone. He was the 'lucky' one. The 'brash' one. The one they relied on, because what else could he be used for?
...Now death, yes, was a certain thing. He'd like to think it was, like with tears equating to sadness--but that was just a little messed up, wasn't it? Wasn't it? And he never really got the point of it.
Allen cried for Akuma
Lenalee cried for friends
Tiedoll cried and it was annoying.
Everyone else cried, because of fear.
Well, except Lavi, but then, Kanda thought, maybe the man was just as screwed up as he was.
Being screwed up was certain, too, wasn't it?
Like tears.
Like being stuck in a fucking war where there wouldn't be a pleasant end and you knew it and could see it--and stupid Moyashi's were too fucking naive.
It was no wonder he had brushed them away. Because they were certain of their lives. They were certain of what they needed to do. But they didn't get it. Never got it. Never, never--
He exhaled, breath puffing. He was in a corridor, long and dark and he wasn't quite sure how long he had been walking, but the ground beneath him was solid and smooth and coarse, and he could feel it unwavering beneath him.
And he hated it.
Hated that he could barely see it, and not because of the dark. Could barely see it because--well--what was there to see? His chest hurt a little too much.
'He's been in that state for 9 years'
The air wouldn't come. Wouldn't flow--in out, in out--but he assumed he needed a little more force, to get his lungs working, but the air was so cold.
'What kind of monster ARE you?'
"I'm not a monster. I'm 'human', just like you are.'
'No you aren't--you can't be--stop it--Yuu-kun--Kanda, do something!'
He had just stared. Only stared.
Because he had been certain.
Sacrifices must be made. Had always been made. Needed to be made, for anyone to get anywhere.
White haired beansprouts never understood it. Lenalee's and their tears tried to prevent it, to shelter it.
Redheaded bunny rabbits understood it.
Which is why he kept moving, maybe. Which is why he kept moving because he wasn't quite sure where he was going--but the memories were still there.
Yuu it's wonderful to finally see you again! I haven't seen you in--years!
Stop
He wanted them to stop.
Stop Stop Stop
The hall was blurring again, and it shrunk, thinned, he was pressed against the side of the wall, cold and clammy, eyes covered in that disgustingly certain emotion.
But he wasn't.
He liked to think. He liked to think. He'd like to think he could brush it away. But instead he wound up hitting the wall. The wall in it's firm certainness--it never helped. Ever.
He had to keep moving.
They were looking for him. They had seen him--him in--
"Dammit." The word itself was uncertain. Uncertainly weak because he couldn't be anything else. Couldn't be anything else with the warm pricks in his eyes, and the sore muscles that were slowly healing.
You're supposed to be dead!
But you kept me alive.
They kept him alive.
9...9 years...
Nine years.
"I thought I killed you..."
"You thought ya did, Yuu-chan." He wasn't quite ready for the response, but his head jolted up anyway, around, and he saw that mop of redhair through the blurry certainness.
"No one can blame ya for that." The man continued, moving closer. He didn't want closer. Or maybe he did. Because he couldn't see anymore, the ground under him, or the wall, except he was trying to push away from it--against it--and goddammit he wasn't--"It's okay ta cry about it, Yuu,"
And maybe he hated the man for mentioning it.
Or maybe he didn't.
Maybe the headache wasn't so bad for once. Or the need for arms, wrapping--for the certain feeling of safe and comfort because he couldn't with anyone else.
Redheaded rabbits understood.
And maybe that was a certain-ness he could keep.