When you're gone, all the colors seem to fade.
Abandonment and trust--they are the issues that rule every relationship, friend or otherwise, I've ever had. When I first meet someone, I have no problem being completely open with them because I don't really expect us to remain that close for very long. In my experiences, that usually turns out to be true, but that's largely due to my own doing. I start building a wall that is just about impossible to scale once I realize that the other person actually wants to stick around. For some reason, I always find that hard to cope with--someone not leaving me. I immediately jump to the conclusion that they have some ulterior motive for wanting me around, and I've even been taken advantage of because of those things.
In the past, I've been known for many things--my looks, my smarts, and my habits. I don't like being known for something other than what I am. I'm not just one thing. I don't care if you call me Barbie because I'm thin, blonde, and have blue eyes, uptight because I'm a hard worker, or even obsessive because I like to do things the right way. That's who I am and I'm not going to change those things. I wouldn't be me if I did. It's that history of people thinking that they know me that's made me wary about trusting their motives.
In saying such, I tend to give people tests--I do little things to gauge their loyalty to me. If they fail, then I can let them go and detach myself from the situation very easily. I do set the bar higher than it should be at times, but in some convoluted sense of reality, I think that if the person really wanted me for me then they wouldn't have a problem being successful. Like I said, it's a warped way of logic. There have been few times that I've been disappointed with someone's failure because I prepare and expect that person to fail...I'm pessimistic, and yet optimistic, that they won't do well. I just don't get my hopes up.
In other words, there have been times that I wonder if maybe I didn't need to test someone. Not everyone is good at tests and I'm a firm representative in that.
In the past, I've been known for many things--my looks, my smarts, and my habits. I don't like being known for something other than what I am. I'm not just one thing. I don't care if you call me Barbie because I'm thin, blonde, and have blue eyes, uptight because I'm a hard worker, or even obsessive because I like to do things the right way. That's who I am and I'm not going to change those things. I wouldn't be me if I did. It's that history of people thinking that they know me that's made me wary about trusting their motives.
In saying such, I tend to give people tests--I do little things to gauge their loyalty to me. If they fail, then I can let them go and detach myself from the situation very easily. I do set the bar higher than it should be at times, but in some convoluted sense of reality, I think that if the person really wanted me for me then they wouldn't have a problem being successful. Like I said, it's a warped way of logic. There have been few times that I've been disappointed with someone's failure because I prepare and expect that person to fail...I'm pessimistic, and yet optimistic, that they won't do well. I just don't get my hopes up.
In other words, there have been times that I wonder if maybe I didn't need to test someone. Not everyone is good at tests and I'm a firm representative in that.